Hi AH has been with friends living away for a couple of weeks to rehab. He has no money should I send him some or is ithat enabling?

ling,

Not sure with that little of information... my ESH is that when my husband was in rehab, he had EVERYTHING provided for him. He wanted for nothing. In fact he lived a much better, easier life than myself or his child did! But even so, I wouldn't have sent him money. Call it repercussions for choosing alcohol over his family. He did ask for a coat and was provided that by his mother.

Money has always been a problem for me -- specifically with the unhealthy relationships I've had in my life, vis a vis alcoholic, co-dependent, etc. -- only because, I've always had it! My wife and I lived a very wonderful life. She didn't have to work, we vacationed wherever and whenever we wanted to, I took 6 weeks off in the summer, 8 weeks off in the winter, and life was grand. When the world spiraled out of control, everyone -- her, her family, friends, everyone -- took for granted that I would pick up the tab and throw whatever money was needed at...not the problem...but all the consequences. No one demanded I pay for rehab...because she did NOT have a problem (according to her and her family, and some of her "drinking friends")...but I was expected to pay for the attorneys, the (brand new) car she wrecked (which was mine!), the designer/gourmet kitchen she set fire to, the alcohol, and whatever else.

OK, so, stage set. I paid for everything when I was unhealthy. I paid for rehabs, although she didn't want to go, went for the wrongs reasons (once because I told her I would be moving out of the house, and two other times she went for "stress" and "to relax" and "get away from it all" as she put it), and ended up drinking anyway (of course) I spent well into six digits.

Now, once I got healthy -- I paid for none of those things. She had to use her own money to pay for attorneys, damage to cars, accidents, etc., and she had to contact the insurance company and do all the work herself to get herself into rehab. I don't know any of the details of your specific situation -- but when my wife was at rehab, and both before and after, when she was at sober living and/or with friends -- she wanted money. I spoke to my sponsor, my therapist, and she even demanded I talk to her therapist, which I agreed to do. I quickly established a boundary around this situation.

The end result was -- and I am more than happy to she the details as to why -- I did NOT send her money...and let me be clear, and I stated this clearly...it was not PUNITIVE. It was not me being mean or nasty. It was not me giving her a hard time or getting back at her. NO!!! It was none of that. There were very valid and specific reasons why I did not give her money. Now, what's important to note -- it was healthy for me...but it was NOT what she wanted! More to follow.

With so little information, its hard to "make a call" but the "generic" answer I would give IF THIS WERE ME...would be "NO" he will be provided for his needs at the facility....sending him $$ only enables him, makes him think "oh well I can't be too bad, she is still shelling out the money" my take??? they did this...Let them get themselves out of it....its called suffering and hopefully learning from the consequences of their actions...You didn't cause him to drink....you never had any control over it...and you will never be able to cure him...there IS no cure...Only management and only HE can manage his own addiction.....

If I do something that makes me feel angry and resentful or I am doing something that someone else can do for themselves ... it's called a job and trust me there are a ton of helping hands in AA and rehab that will hire day labor and pay cash. I have known many.

I had to have a discussion with my oldest recently that the money train had stopped and that means December is coming .. lol .. for me that means it's time to go back to school (I refer to live away from home) .. it's time to get things in order and it's time to stop playing adult and be an adult. Part of being an adult is suiting up and showing up, be it for work or whatever the case may be .. I told my kiddo that I knew they were going to figure it out and that I had faith they would find a way to continue with their education without living at home.

At this point I do not feel it necessary to do more than I agreed to .. which is provide meals (they are cooked or there is food in the house), this one is over 18 I am off the hook for clothing, I pay the cell phone (which I am not required to do), and there is a roof all that has been provided for free .. with the understanding of basic house rules. Mine violated house rules and is now dealing with the fact that December is coming. This is my kiddo who I adore to pieces. I want the world for him .. he's got his own life path.

I don't see that it is your job to provide your AH with funds to play with his friends .. he is perfectly capable of finding a source of income that doesn't take away from you and your monthly budget. Again that's me .. when my BF was not working I can tell you right now he figured out really fast he needed to pay his own bills and was shocked when I didn't jump up and say gee let me give you my support to pay for your alimony to your ex .. umm .. nooooo .. I didn't agree to the amount and that just doesn't begin to be my issue on that level. He got a really good job after finding out what he was doing wasn't working.

That's kind of where I come from in terms of if someone else is hitting my bottom line and they are an adult even if just in age .. their life path is not mine to walk .. I hope for you .. you found some peace with your resolve.

Hugs S :)

Some excellent insight here...I love what SRUS said...not your job to provide your AH with money to play with his friends...excellent.