What do you do when denial breaks and you realize your life is a lie
hellohellohello said
Sep 21, 2018
I'm really new to Al-anon and I could use some experience strength and hope. My husband is an addict and has been going to a program for almost three years and hasn't been sober a single day. I've been in a lot of denial about how bad his problem really is, and also about how bad our financial situation is. I posted about the financial stuff before, so the short story is he's been lying about his income for 12 years, so everything we have is based on lies. Our vacations, our clothes, our meals, our childcare, we couldn't afford any of it. Of course we have an incredible amount of debt that I didn't know about. (Credit cards he opened, savings accounts he drained, taxes he told me he paid when he didn't, etc.) I can see how much I was in denial -- I trusted him to handle all the money and it's amazing to me, because before I met him I owned my own house, ran my own business, and didn't have a single dollar of debt. I gave all that independence away when I got married and the only thing I can really say is that I didn't know I was doing it -- until now.
But regardless of the past, this is where I am today. And I'm reeling. I can't even really process how much of my life isn't true. And how much we'll be giving up to try to live in financial reality.
I know it's all "stuff" and it doesn't mean anything in the long run. And I am grateful. I have my child, who I love beyond reason. We won't lose our house. (At least, I don't think we will.) But I feel like I've crossed over into another dimension. Like I'm in a nightmare.
Has anyone been through this? I don't even mean the money. I mean the grief when denial breaks, and you see the truth about the addiction, the lies you believed, your own denial, and how your life isn't what you thought it was. How do you get through it?
I'm not sleeping well. I have an auto immune disease and it's worse because I'm so stressed and not sleeping. My self care is ... well, there is no self care. I'm not eating well. I have a doctor's appointment I'm supposed to go to for some blood tests and I haven't gone because every day I'm trying to figure out the money stuff--to even get to the bottom of how bad it really is. (Hard to do when someone keeps lying about everything.) I'm going to Al-anon meetings, but I just ... I don't even know how to get myself into a better place so I'm not in so much pain, physical and emotional. Anyway thank you for reading and if you have any thing to share I would really love to hear it.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 21, 2018
((((((hello-cubed)))))
My heart just goes out to you!! I got a little lump in my throat when reading your honest share, b/c I can relate. My life was not so tied up in that way recently - mainly b/c it was at one time, and I took control of all things financial a long time ago due to my husband's addiction. But, and this is a big one, I lived in denial! So much so that when I finally accepted my marriage for what it was, accepted addiction for what it would give me (by living with it), I chose to leave and not look back. I took all the debt with me & had next to nothing.
I cried and grieved every day. Some days I felt like I couldn't get up to work, or eat, or shower.
The ONE THING that made me get up and work and attend to my life was my child - who was/is a teen, but still, the "mama-bear" instinct is still there!
I kept checking in at the site, sometimes 4 or more times a day! I listened and did what the veterans here would share helped them... the first thing was mentioned by Bo- "Do the next right thing... with laser precision." So I did. Whether it be get to work, make a meal, do the laundry... whatever it was, I reminded myself that this was ALL FOR THE BETTERMENT OF MY CHILD! Some days it felt like it was all I could do to get that done, no kidding!
In a relatively short time, I began to see (by reading and posting here) that doing the 'Next right thing' was good for ME as well! That was when I began going to Face to Face meetings, and got a sponsor. My sponsor helped me to see that I needed to allow people in my life to know what was going on so that I could get help. That was key.
I ended up with some form of support from all my friends, my parents, my spouse's parents, my bosses at work... it was amazing!
I cannot tell you what to do... only you know that... or will figure it out. Some of the best ESH I got on here was to meet/talk with a family lawyer - many will give a free 30 minute phone call. Believe me, I used every minute of it! I called around until I found someone qualified who did the free consultation, then I took the time to write down the questions I had about my situation (so I wouldn't waste time thinking), and I called. Best "move" I could've made. Then I had to sit and accept that my denial allowed for the mountains of debt the marriage accumulated. That was hard. I spent many months with resentment towards my spouse (we were separated by then).
Anyway, this was a long-winded way to tell you that I have walked in your shoes and understand. I bet each person here on MIP can relate to you on some level... we've all waked through the fire!
Keep posting. Keep coming back. This program works if you allow yourself to be open to what it has to offer!
Most importantly of all... YOU MATTER! And you CAN find Peace & Serenity. If you can't believe in that yet, focus on doing what is right & healthy for your child...you will never go wrong when you do that!
Peace
Lyne said
Sep 21, 2018
Hello-greetings. I can relate to the pain of grieving the loss of the marriage I briefly had, tried for years to get back, and then the despair of learning I cannot control anyone else, cannot fix anyone, cannot change anyone who is unwilling to change. The really positive part of your share is that you have the skills of competency and being out of debt. If you can think with a clear mind, decide what you need to do to turn things around. I highly recommend alanon for healing and getting a grip, but you also have options of legal help, accounting help, but first you need to get back to self-care. If we fall apart we are no help to ourselves, our kids, or anyone. I have found that with daily alanon help, including a F2F meeting and a sponsor, have given me a new life Keep coming back, Lyne
Freetime said
Sep 21, 2018
{{{Hello}}} I just want to second what has already been shared. You are not alone. Discovering the deception -- and my deception of myself -- put me in a state of shock. Just take it one baby step at a time. Think of one thing you can do for yourself, maybe just make a cup of tea and enjoy it, then do one more small thing.
What I did that helped: I opened up to friends who understood -- both inside and outside Al-Anon. Got an Al-Anon sponsor. Got legal advice about my financial situation. Got a therapist. Continued going to yoga classes. Took a dog for a walk. Packed a "go bag" so I knew it would be easier for me to get out of the house if I felt overwhelmed (never used it, but it felt empowering). Got it into my head that I deserved my own recovery.
Going through this experience -- as PnP said, walked through the fire -- with support -- has made me stronger than I've ever been.
Iamhere said
Sep 21, 2018
Hello x 3 - I too can relate to your share. I was also full of shock, pain, sadness and fear. A good sponsor helped me see that I processed and viewed almost all things in 'black/white' when life is really not that way. There are always shades of gray. My whole marriage was not a farce - we do love each other in spite of the disease. Our home life was chaotic, spastic, and unbearable before recovery and we both contributed to that. Our financial issues were not caused by one only - I actively indulged in activities, new clothes, etc.
I could go on and on and on but it was with a sponsor that I came to realize and accept that we were not alone, no matter how far down the path we had gone, there was a way out and the past (even yesterday) has already happened....all we have is today. She helped me realize I was human and the damage done was not done in one day/weekend, therefore it was a bit crazy to consider I could resolve it (alone) and in short order.
You are not alone and it took me a long time in recovery to learn that worrying is not an action. Keep coming back - it works when we work it! I do see you looking for gratitude in your post and that for me (daily gratitude lists) was really, really helpful in shifting some of my attitudes. (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Sep 21, 2018
Welcome...first, let me preface my comments and experience by saying, as a newcomer/beginner, it always appears and feels far darker and hopeless than it really is. I don't mean to trivialize or minimize wjhat you are facing or how you are feeling, as many of us have faced and felt the same exact thing...and we have successfully gotten through it. Clutch onto that. You can do this...and if you are open-minded and willing, the alanon program can and will help you.
Be that as it may, your husband has made his decision -- recovery or not -- and you can make a decision for YOU. That decision is whether or not you want to get better, be better, get and be healthy. That is really up to you. Now, it takes work. It takes commitment. It takes effort. And, most of all, it takes change. Your denial is normal -- it is very common. However, it does not have to be the ruin of you, your life, your well-being, etc. The time is always now. You can make a decision to step out of your denial and begin an entirely new word -- a new way of thinking, behaving, acting/reacting, etc. What's done is done. Keep dwelling and beating yourself up for past vacations, meals, clothes, etc. -- and that will prevent you from getting better today...and tomorrow. All of it is a "sunk cost" -- and it's over.
Where you used to be -- owning your own house, running your own business, no debt, etc. -- to where you are now. Done. Over. Do not beat yourself up. Forgive, but do not forget. Live and learn. Go gentle unto yourself. You need to in order to get better. I've seen people go from $5mm homes to 1BR apartments...and they did it, and they got through it. Where you live means nothing compared to how you are going to live, the life that you want to live, and so forth. That is up to you.
So, the grief, as you call it, when the denial breaks -- is truly perspective. It is hard for a newcomer/beginner to understand some of the mindset, methodology, and thought process behind the slogans and the alanon program. Thus, it also becomes hard for a newcomer/beginner to make decisions -- and even the alanon program says don't make any major decisions for 6 months...and the intent is that someone is going to meetings for 6 months...not just reading some pamphlets, armchair therapists, and so forth. The truth about the addiction, the lies, your denial...is supposed to hurt. You control your thoughts. You control what direction you move in. Now is the time.
I too have an auto-immune disease. I get the sleep thing. I really do. So, now is the time for you to take that first step. Go to meetings. As many and as often as you can. Meeting makers make it. Get Courage To Change and One Day At A Time, and read them both, every morning and every night. Use the back of the book index as well to do every reading you can, every single day, on ACCEPTANCE. That is your first step...ACCEPTANCE. Immerse yourself in it. Find a sponsor. ASAP. And start doing the work. Focus on YOU. Look ahead, look to make change, in attitude, in thinking, in perspective. You drive a car in forward, not reverse. You look ahead through the windshield, which is very big...not the rearview mirror, which is very small. Life is lived moving forward.
Keep your head where your feet are -- here, now, today. All the mumbo jumbo, and even some of the alanon program, which at this point may seem cliche -- and it can to a newcomer/beginner -- is meaningless; unless you want it. You have to want to get better. Sometimes, for a newcomer/beginner, when it's dark, it's hard to see things, even the things you should be grateful for. When I was a newcomer/beginner, I felt gratitude was just turning a blind eye to problems, and focusing on the flowers. It didn't help as my thinking was not positive, progressive, etc. But, my thinking was up to me. My thinking was controlled by me.
Your sponsor can't go to hell for you...but he/she will go with you...and they can get you out of where you are...faster, quicker, and better...than you can do alone.
All the best. Keep coming back (to face to face meetings).
2HP said
Sep 21, 2018
I remember very well that coming out of denial did NOT feel good. So often, I'd minimize reality and go back into my denial, "this isn't so bad" I would sometimes think. Your post reminds me, there's no putting that genie back into the bottle.
If you haven't already, I hope you find a physical Al-anon fellowship to sit with because when I did that, I could see "recovery in action" with my own eyes. that is what made it real for me. After 6 months, I got a sponsor and it felt like the fast track. I purchased Courage to Change (one of our daily readers) at my first meeting and referred to it multiple times a day. Gradually, more and more peace began to flow into my life.
When they told me to "take care of myself" I quickly learned that the superficial pampering didn't cut it (although good enough sometimes.) I needed to get myself out of my depression and move, which was not easy at first. I ended up finding that the nature preserve.... being quiet and still in nature with walks near the sparkling water, walking under the trees, under the wide-open sky.... was like a soothing medicine.
I was told that my situation didn't happen overnight. And I couldnt expect it to go away overnight either. Just one day at a time... keeping it real simple... do the most nurturing thing you can for yourself right now. You are worth it, my friend.
You may not realize it today, but you are in a very good place... the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step of coming out of denial. can't recover until we wake up.
Be very gentle with yourself as you would with anyone just waking up. With the guidance of Al-anon and faith in the Higher Power, peace will flow into your life too. Believe it (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 21st of September 2018 05:40:38 PM
a4l said
Sep 22, 2018
Oh this was such a painful time. It still is one of those "slippery" people/place/thing categories for my own recovery. It does get better, with time and recovery. For me, the hurt eventually became disappointment, then acceptance of a swinging degree. I am better at acceptance on some days than I am on others. It is not good for me to hang on to disappointments out of the small hope that there is still some chance of change; but I still do it sometimes. I liked what hidden_in_plain_sight shared on grief and healing in stages and the combined esh of the members here. For me, my house of cards came crashing down and I was really depressed at the beginning of this year, at having to start again from way before the starting line. Almost everything has/was/is a write off. But there is this other little survivor part that decided to go enrol at school again anyway even though there are moments of doubt along the way. I could deny things which are obvious in hindsight; there is no reason why I can't take a little bit of that and function critically for myself this time. Financial loss is hard: it cuts right to the core of survival. Debt is worse because it hangs over you. We do what we can do as we have to. That is all we can do. The rest is out of our hands. I too, am reading these replies and taking comfort from them.
Aline said
Sep 22, 2018
Hugs, (((hello))). My denial has mostly been with other stuff and really I'm quite sure I've still not faced the whole reality of my 10+ years of living my ex-abf... Its happening gradually and not all at once, for which I'm grayeful. I really understand your grief aboit things not being as you thought/hoped they would... It turns out I was living in huge denial about most things in my life, and very pronounced was my denial about how my ex-abf really was acting. I had this image in my mind of him being the superb person I thought he was when we first met and all the painful stuff he did as a result of his alcoholism I minimized, rationalized etc. I was living in a fantasy land where our relationship was great, he was great and loving, my life was acceptable etc. When it wasn't at all. I am learning this finally, and my fantasies are so strong and I want to believe them badly. I have went through some periods of grief already and I am sure I will again regarding this, facing reality. I am learning to let myself grieve, feel whatever it is I feel, because the way to move forward is only straight through, facing whatever it is I don't want to face... It is hard but I am learning that on the other side of this pain is more freedom as I've begun to experience it here and there. Grieve and lean in for support, you are so not alone. This too shall pass... Sending you ((((cyberhugs)))) again, keep coming back
Maresie said
Sep 22, 2018
1 day at a time
One piece at a time
Detach
Stop beating yourself up
hotrod said
Sep 22, 2018
You are not alone I found that Denial was my "Go to tool" in every situation so that this required a huge effort on my part. That was the time that I decided to embrace Alanon, work the Steps with a sponsor,use the slogans and learn how to be honest open and willing. It works when we work it I also have forgiven myself. Keep coming back
newnoz said
Sep 22, 2018
When i first came to Al-Anon I had 2 teenagers in a drug and alcohol rehab. My thinking was how could i not be the worst mother of all time.
it took some time to get to a place of acceptance that did not include 'bad mother'. I went to meetings and heard 'progress not perfection' and keep coming back and a whole lot of things that I still recall.
To me, it was odd that m kids were telling me that they appreciated me when I let them down. I couldn't protect them from the disease of alcoholism.
I still have moments where i look at myself and think worthless, useless, but it is very rare. I still struggle to take care of me in a loving way.
Facing denial is hard but not facing it is harder and facing it means i move through it to something better. It is one hard task i don't have to do again.
Now i am doing step 4 and I would call what I do as avoiding writing. It is something beyond procrastination. Mega procrastination.
I inch through the questions. some part of me thinks it won't have to do it if i am forgetful/busy/ tired enough. Aint gonna happen.
Thanks for being here.
Nora
hellohellohello said
Sep 23, 2018
Just want to say thank you for all this incredible experience strength and hope. It's amazing how much less alone I can feel just reading these responses. And to know I'm not crazy -- that I really am in a really painful place at the moment -- but it will get better. I grew up having to hide my feelings, as I'm sure many others have. So I can literally not trust my own experience. Wonder am I overreacting, am I mean, am I a "b*tch" etc. It's comforting to realize I'm just human and my being this upset and grieving is normal. I am going to F2F meetings, and have courage to change, etc. I'll keep going. Am actively looking for a sponsor. I did tell some friends last night what is going on and I feel so guilty! What if they think less of my husband? Did I break his anonymity? Did I betray him by telling them? It's really hard not to feel guilty even though I know I need support. Anyway, thank you to everyone who replied and sending lots of love
.
Bo said
Sep 23, 2018
hhh -- personally, I feel when we speak "anonymity" it is in the context of "program" -- meaning AA/NA, Alanon, etc.
So, your husband has been going to "a program" as you call it for about three years. Now, if you told your friends he was going to meetings/in program, etc., then, yes, in my mind you broke his anonymity. If you just told them he's had an issue with drinking, his drinking has impacted you, bothers you, you are struggling because of his drinking, etc., then, no, I don't think you did; not at all.
Now, I can't speak to what your friends are going to think -- will they think less of him for example -- and perhaps neither can you. Who knows if they could or would be honest with you in discussing this. However, in my mind, it doesn't matter. That horse has already left the barn. How you handle it and manage it going forward is up to you. I shared with my closest friends -- none of whom were in program -- that my wife was having issues with drinking, and later on drugs. I shared with them I was struggling because of it, and that her drinking impacted me. A few of them had witness her drinking and realized that it was a bit beyond "oh she likes to party" or "she likes her drinks" so to speak. However, my wife was excellent at not arriving at a point where people would be concerned, embarrassed, etc. But that didn't last long. Her drinking progressed to the point where she couldn't control it and prevent situations from getting to that point. So, it did get there, and it got ugly a few times -- falling down, becoming unable to speak, belligerent, etc.
These friends are quality people, people with integrity. None of them judged her. None of them thought less of her. However, these friends are all very intelligent people as well, and they understood that my wife's drinking problem was not a moral problem. It was not about my wife's morality, or her values, ethics, etc. Now, this doesn't help you because I don't know your friends, and you don't know mine, LOL.
If they think less of him -- so what. Focus on YOU. They will hopefully be there for you in the way you want and need, and if they think less of him, that will have no impact if you focus on what you need to do. I don't think you betrayed him at all. Now, if he finds out -- he will yell and scream at you and tell you that you ruined his reputation, tarnished what people think about him, and so on. He might say that, and more. And, many alcoholics might feel the same way. However, this is alanon, and while this isn't a conference approved forum, in alanon we focus on ourselves, being members of alanon, and we focus on the alanon approach. Members of AA who come here "straddle" the two programs in my opinion, but that's just my opinion. Betrayal lives and is defined in different eyes. I don't feel you betrayed him at all. If betrayal was an issue -- would that mean someone could not go to meetings in the town where they live? In the county? How far away would one have to go to attend a meeting if a spouse felt they were being betrayed? Alanon has anonymity. It goes both ways as they have it in AA as well of course!
Keep up the great work. Do what you need to do for YOU...and find a sponsor!!! It will help you tremendously.
bud said
Sep 23, 2018
I'm glad you're here and you're not alone. Many years ago I went through what you describe. For a long time it was easier for me to steep in denial over taking on the complete nightmare of reality. I'm so grateful that Alanon helped me one moment at a time to accept, detach, and to regroup. I had no one to rely on, but was encourage to keep doing the next right thing and keep putting one foot in front of another. Little by little, my body became stronger both spiritually and health-wise. Sending prayers for comfort and strength.
JerryF said
Sep 23, 2018
Great post and I am working thru memories of the past and memories of thoughts and feelings from the past being born and raised in my family of origin and living with them thru many and various conditions and events. My family on both sides were alcoholic and drug addicts and I came to understand because of that later on that my life would be strange and often crazy. I didn't have closeness with my family and garnered the nickname, "The Lone Ranger" from often placing and finding my self in places where I could be separated from family. I wasn't much different than the insanity I grew up in and spent a lot of time getting away from it. I didn't feel related and at the age of 6 when my long suffering natural father died I didn't morn it feeling the rest of the family was strange for not accepting it as it took 6 or more years to happen. I didn't know him. I didn't know them either.
I knew my life for what it was so I guess I had already found acceptance as I knew as much as I wanted, it would not change for a while. I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. What was there to deny? I didn't identify with anything. I wouldn't know I was supposed to until I had much time in the program and found value in the inventory steps where I also found out that I had become a man I didn't like as many others also felt and thought the same and had to find out who, what and why.
I have had many recovering program family members who got me to stand still so I could look back at myself and decide who I didn't want to be and then who I did. My sponsorship has been and is beyond imagination especially the women in the program who re-grew me giving my mother, before she died, the son she really wanted and my wives a husband who can be of value to a family. I should not have lived this long as in the disease before I found Al-Anon and then AA I put my life at risk and the lives of others there also.
When I got here I used the name spelled Gerry which I adopted and adapted from the past where the original spelling was as I sign on here now...Jerry with a J.
My story is my past. I can scarce believe it yet I only look back at it when I have the need to grow. None of it is glamorous or exciting other than the changes which came when I allowed you all into my life.
It wasn't so much a lie as it was a figment of my sick imagination. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God for abiding with me. ((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 24, 2018
(((hh)))
I can certainly relate. I kept secrets for so long...b/c I was embarrassed for me, for him... scared of what people would think of my son's father. It was so important to me that our son would not feel any outside affects from my AH's drinking/using. After his first stint with rehab, I had found Al-Anon, and my ways of dealing became better. When alcohol took over his life, I learned that making excuses for him was a form of enabling. So I stopped doing it. Most of the time "He's not feeling well," took care of it. If people pushed, as they often do, I would tell them, "That part of our story is his to tell. I have a problem with his alcohol use and we separated," was my go-to for quite a while.
Later, I actually made a type of amends to my Ex (we were separated at that point) b/c I felt I "helped" the progression of the disease by being so secretive in the beginning. He told me, "It doesn't matter who you tell, or what you tell. I have a problem, and I am getting treatment for it." "I am working on defeating my demons." "There was nothing you did to keep this disease going... it was all me." Not once did he blame me or accuse me... THAT'S how you know your Qualifier is/ has embraced humility, and is working a strong program! When he was actively drinking, he accused and blame-shifted, and gas-lighted me all the time!
Anything less, IMHO, shows that their commitment to their program is not authentic.
As usual around here, take what you want, and leave the rest!
Wishing you Peace today!
2HP said
Sep 24, 2018
Once again, I applaud your willingness to see your part, representing a beautiful desire to do Higher Powers will.
About breaking his anonymity, I did that too. Perhaps for the same reason you did, fear, fear, fear... his crazymaking had been escalating which escalated my fear. I ended up doing what I did, stirring the pot, telling our friends and family he was an alcoholic for self-support (which I did need) but my fear affected him, it damaged his reputation and relationships.
Today I know alcoholics are not "bad" people, they sick, deluded people. like all the rest of us can be.
I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I did not know at that time. The past is in the past, today is a new day.
To amend the wrong I had done, I avoid harmful gossip, if I have something to say to anyone about anyone, I try to make it positive. That is who I believe Higher Power would have me be instead. That is how I myself wish to be treated.
Another necessary amend was to enlist a trusted sponsor for me to call whenever Im struggling with others. My sponsor knows my true motive, to overcome the shortcoming in ME that has been aroused by this particular person, not to make anyone the bad guy, not to figure out how to overcome or outmaneuver my fellows... strengthening separatist attitudes... she knows I don't want to live in that kind of reality, so she doesn't enable me in creating it.
You are doing great, my friend... your willingness is an inspiration.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 24th of September 2018 01:48:10 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 24th of September 2018 01:50:33 PM
hellohellohello said
Sep 25, 2018
Thank you so much for these moving and gentle shares. You guys are amazing and I got so much out of them. Sending lots of love.
I'm really new to Al-anon and I could use some experience strength and hope. My husband is an addict and has been going to a program for almost three years and hasn't been sober a single day. I've been in a lot of denial about how bad his problem really is, and also about how bad our financial situation is. I posted about the financial stuff before, so the short story is he's been lying about his income for 12 years, so everything we have is based on lies. Our vacations, our clothes, our meals, our childcare, we couldn't afford any of it. Of course we have an incredible amount of debt that I didn't know about. (Credit cards he opened, savings accounts he drained, taxes he told me he paid when he didn't, etc.) I can see how much I was in denial -- I trusted him to handle all the money and it's amazing to me, because before I met him I owned my own house, ran my own business, and didn't have a single dollar of debt. I gave all that independence away when I got married and the only thing I can really say is that I didn't know I was doing it -- until now.
But regardless of the past, this is where I am today. And I'm reeling. I can't even really process how much of my life isn't true. And how much we'll be giving up to try to live in financial reality.
I know it's all "stuff" and it doesn't mean anything in the long run. And I am grateful. I have my child, who I love beyond reason. We won't lose our house. (At least, I don't think we will.) But I feel like I've crossed over into another dimension. Like I'm in a nightmare.
Has anyone been through this? I don't even mean the money. I mean the grief when denial breaks, and you see the truth about the addiction, the lies you believed, your own denial, and how your life isn't what you thought it was. How do you get through it?
I'm not sleeping well. I have an auto immune disease and it's worse because I'm so stressed and not sleeping. My self care is ... well, there is no self care. I'm not eating well. I have a doctor's appointment I'm supposed to go to for some blood tests and I haven't gone because every day I'm trying to figure out the money stuff--to even get to the bottom of how bad it really is. (Hard to do when someone keeps lying about everything.) I'm going to Al-anon meetings, but I just ... I don't even know how to get myself into a better place so I'm not in so much pain, physical and emotional. Anyway thank you for reading and if you have any thing to share I would really love to hear it.
((((((hello-cubed)))))
My heart just goes out to you!! I got a little lump in my throat when reading your honest share, b/c I can relate. My life was not so tied up in that way recently - mainly b/c it was at one time, and I took control of all things financial a long time ago due to my husband's addiction. But, and this is a big one, I lived in denial! So much so that when I finally accepted my marriage for what it was, accepted addiction for what it would give me (by living with it), I chose to leave and not look back. I took all the debt with me & had next to nothing.
I cried and grieved every day. Some days I felt like I couldn't get up to work, or eat, or shower.
The ONE THING that made me get up and work and attend to my life was my child - who was/is a teen, but still, the "mama-bear" instinct is still there!
I kept checking in at the site, sometimes 4 or more times a day! I listened and did what the veterans here would share helped them... the first thing was mentioned by Bo- "Do the next right thing... with laser precision." So I did. Whether it be get to work, make a meal, do the laundry... whatever it was, I reminded myself that this was ALL FOR THE BETTERMENT OF MY CHILD! Some days it felt like it was all I could do to get that done, no kidding!
In a relatively short time, I began to see (by reading and posting here) that doing the 'Next right thing' was good for ME as well! That was when I began going to Face to Face meetings, and got a sponsor. My sponsor helped me to see that I needed to allow people in my life to know what was going on so that I could get help. That was key.
I ended up with some form of support from all my friends, my parents, my spouse's parents, my bosses at work... it was amazing!
I cannot tell you what to do... only you know that... or will figure it out. Some of the best ESH I got on here was to meet/talk with a family lawyer - many will give a free 30 minute phone call. Believe me, I used every minute of it! I called around until I found someone qualified who did the free consultation, then I took the time to write down the questions I had about my situation (so I wouldn't waste time thinking), and I called. Best "move" I could've made. Then I had to sit and accept that my denial allowed for the mountains of debt the marriage accumulated. That was hard. I spent many months with resentment towards my spouse (we were separated by then).
Anyway, this was a long-winded way to tell you that I have walked in your shoes and understand. I bet each person here on MIP can relate to you on some level... we've all waked through the fire!
Keep posting. Keep coming back. This program works if you allow yourself to be open to what it has to offer!
Most importantly of all... YOU MATTER! And you CAN find Peace & Serenity. If you can't believe in that yet, focus on doing what is right & healthy for your child...you will never go wrong when you do that!
Peace
What I did that helped: I opened up to friends who understood -- both inside and outside Al-Anon. Got an Al-Anon sponsor. Got legal advice about my financial situation. Got a therapist. Continued going to yoga classes. Took a dog for a walk. Packed a "go bag" so I knew it would be easier for me to get out of the house if I felt overwhelmed (never used it, but it felt empowering). Got it into my head that I deserved my own recovery.
Going through this experience -- as PnP said, walked through the fire -- with support -- has made me stronger than I've ever been.
I could go on and on and on but it was with a sponsor that I came to realize and accept that we were not alone, no matter how far down the path we had gone, there was a way out and the past (even yesterday) has already happened....all we have is today. She helped me realize I was human and the damage done was not done in one day/weekend, therefore it was a bit crazy to consider I could resolve it (alone) and in short order.
You are not alone and it took me a long time in recovery to learn that worrying is not an action. Keep coming back - it works when we work it! I do see you looking for gratitude in your post and that for me (daily gratitude lists) was really, really helpful in shifting some of my attitudes. (((Hugs)))
Be that as it may, your husband has made his decision -- recovery or not -- and you can make a decision for YOU. That decision is whether or not you want to get better, be better, get and be healthy. That is really up to you. Now, it takes work. It takes commitment. It takes effort. And, most of all, it takes change. Your denial is normal -- it is very common. However, it does not have to be the ruin of you, your life, your well-being, etc. The time is always now. You can make a decision to step out of your denial and begin an entirely new word -- a new way of thinking, behaving, acting/reacting, etc. What's done is done. Keep dwelling and beating yourself up for past vacations, meals, clothes, etc. -- and that will prevent you from getting better today...and tomorrow. All of it is a "sunk cost" -- and it's over.
Where you used to be -- owning your own house, running your own business, no debt, etc. -- to where you are now. Done. Over. Do not beat yourself up. Forgive, but do not forget. Live and learn. Go gentle unto yourself. You need to in order to get better. I've seen people go from $5mm homes to 1BR apartments...and they did it, and they got through it. Where you live means nothing compared to how you are going to live, the life that you want to live, and so forth. That is up to you.
So, the grief, as you call it, when the denial breaks -- is truly perspective. It is hard for a newcomer/beginner to understand some of the mindset, methodology, and thought process behind the slogans and the alanon program. Thus, it also becomes hard for a newcomer/beginner to make decisions -- and even the alanon program says don't make any major decisions for 6 months...and the intent is that someone is going to meetings for 6 months...not just reading some pamphlets, armchair therapists, and so forth. The truth about the addiction, the lies, your denial...is supposed to hurt. You control your thoughts. You control what direction you move in. Now is the time.
I too have an auto-immune disease. I get the sleep thing. I really do. So, now is the time for you to take that first step. Go to meetings. As many and as often as you can. Meeting makers make it. Get Courage To Change and One Day At A Time, and read them both, every morning and every night. Use the back of the book index as well to do every reading you can, every single day, on ACCEPTANCE. That is your first step...ACCEPTANCE. Immerse yourself in it. Find a sponsor. ASAP. And start doing the work. Focus on YOU. Look ahead, look to make change, in attitude, in thinking, in perspective. You drive a car in forward, not reverse. You look ahead through the windshield, which is very big...not the rearview mirror, which is very small. Life is lived moving forward.
Keep your head where your feet are -- here, now, today. All the mumbo jumbo, and even some of the alanon program, which at this point may seem cliche -- and it can to a newcomer/beginner -- is meaningless; unless you want it. You have to want to get better. Sometimes, for a newcomer/beginner, when it's dark, it's hard to see things, even the things you should be grateful for. When I was a newcomer/beginner, I felt gratitude was just turning a blind eye to problems, and focusing on the flowers. It didn't help as my thinking was not positive, progressive, etc. But, my thinking was up to me. My thinking was controlled by me.
Your sponsor can't go to hell for you...but he/she will go with you...and they can get you out of where you are...faster, quicker, and better...than you can do alone.
All the best. Keep coming back (to face to face meetings).
I remember very well that coming out of denial did NOT feel good. So often, I'd minimize reality and go back into my denial, "this isn't so bad" I would sometimes think. Your post reminds me, there's no putting that genie back into the bottle.
If you haven't already, I hope you find a physical Al-anon fellowship to sit with because when I did that, I could see "recovery in action" with my own eyes. that is what made it real for me. After 6 months, I got a sponsor and it felt like the fast track. I purchased Courage to Change (one of our daily readers) at my first meeting and referred to it multiple times a day. Gradually, more and more peace began to flow into my life.
When they told me to "take care of myself" I quickly learned that the superficial pampering didn't cut it (although good enough sometimes.) I needed to get myself out of my depression and move, which was not easy at first. I ended up finding that the nature preserve.... being quiet and still in nature with walks near the sparkling water, walking under the trees, under the wide-open sky.... was like a soothing medicine.
I was told that my situation didn't happen overnight. And I couldnt expect it to go away overnight either. Just one day at a time... keeping it real simple... do the most nurturing thing you can for yourself right now. You are worth it, my friend.
You may not realize it today, but you are in a very good place... the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step of coming out of denial. can't recover until we wake up.
Be very gentle with yourself as you would with anyone just waking up. With the guidance of Al-anon and faith in the Higher Power, peace will flow into your life too. Believe it (((hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Friday 21st of September 2018 05:40:38 PM
You are not alone I found that Denial was my "Go to tool" in every situation so that this required a huge effort on my part. That was the time that I decided to embrace Alanon, work the Steps with a sponsor,use the slogans and learn how to be honest open and willing. It works when we work it I also have forgiven myself. Keep coming back
it took some time to get to a place of acceptance that did not include 'bad mother'. I went to meetings and heard 'progress not perfection' and keep coming back and a whole lot of things that I still recall.
To me, it was odd that m kids were telling me that they appreciated me when I let them down. I couldn't protect them from the disease of alcoholism.
I still have moments where i look at myself and think worthless, useless, but it is very rare. I still struggle to take care of me in a loving way.
Facing denial is hard but not facing it is harder and facing it means i move through it to something better. It is one hard task i don't have to do again.
Now i am doing step 4 and I would call what I do as avoiding writing. It is something beyond procrastination. Mega procrastination.
I inch through the questions. some part of me thinks it won't have to do it if i am forgetful/busy/ tired enough. Aint gonna happen.
Thanks for being here.
Nora
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So, your husband has been going to "a program" as you call it for about three years. Now, if you told your friends he was going to meetings/in program, etc., then, yes, in my mind you broke his anonymity. If you just told them he's had an issue with drinking, his drinking has impacted you, bothers you, you are struggling because of his drinking, etc., then, no, I don't think you did; not at all.
Now, I can't speak to what your friends are going to think -- will they think less of him for example -- and perhaps neither can you. Who knows if they could or would be honest with you in discussing this. However, in my mind, it doesn't matter. That horse has already left the barn. How you handle it and manage it going forward is up to you. I shared with my closest friends -- none of whom were in program -- that my wife was having issues with drinking, and later on drugs. I shared with them I was struggling because of it, and that her drinking impacted me. A few of them had witness her drinking and realized that it was a bit beyond "oh she likes to party" or "she likes her drinks" so to speak. However, my wife was excellent at not arriving at a point where people would be concerned, embarrassed, etc. But that didn't last long. Her drinking progressed to the point where she couldn't control it and prevent situations from getting to that point. So, it did get there, and it got ugly a few times -- falling down, becoming unable to speak, belligerent, etc.
These friends are quality people, people with integrity. None of them judged her. None of them thought less of her. However, these friends are all very intelligent people as well, and they understood that my wife's drinking problem was not a moral problem. It was not about my wife's morality, or her values, ethics, etc. Now, this doesn't help you because I don't know your friends, and you don't know mine, LOL.
If they think less of him -- so what. Focus on YOU. They will hopefully be there for you in the way you want and need, and if they think less of him, that will have no impact if you focus on what you need to do. I don't think you betrayed him at all. Now, if he finds out -- he will yell and scream at you and tell you that you ruined his reputation, tarnished what people think about him, and so on. He might say that, and more. And, many alcoholics might feel the same way. However, this is alanon, and while this isn't a conference approved forum, in alanon we focus on ourselves, being members of alanon, and we focus on the alanon approach. Members of AA who come here "straddle" the two programs in my opinion, but that's just my opinion. Betrayal lives and is defined in different eyes. I don't feel you betrayed him at all. If betrayal was an issue -- would that mean someone could not go to meetings in the town where they live? In the county? How far away would one have to go to attend a meeting if a spouse felt they were being betrayed? Alanon has anonymity. It goes both ways as they have it in AA as well of course!
Keep up the great work. Do what you need to do for YOU...and find a sponsor!!! It will help you tremendously.
Great post and I am working thru memories of the past and memories of thoughts and feelings from the past being born and raised in my family of origin and living with them thru many and various conditions and events. My family on both sides were alcoholic and drug addicts and I came to understand because of that later on that my life would be strange and often crazy. I didn't have closeness with my family and garnered the nickname, "The Lone Ranger" from often placing and finding my self in places where I could be separated from family. I wasn't much different than the insanity I grew up in and spent a lot of time getting away from it. I didn't feel related and at the age of 6 when my long suffering natural father died I didn't morn it feeling the rest of the family was strange for not accepting it as it took 6 or more years to happen. I didn't know him. I didn't know them either.
I knew my life for what it was so I guess I had already found acceptance as I knew as much as I wanted, it would not change for a while. I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. What was there to deny? I didn't identify with anything. I wouldn't know I was supposed to until I had much time in the program and found value in the inventory steps where I also found out that I had become a man I didn't like as many others also felt and thought the same and had to find out who, what and why.
I have had many recovering program family members who got me to stand still so I could look back at myself and decide who I didn't want to be and then who I did. My sponsorship has been and is beyond imagination especially the women in the program who re-grew me giving my mother, before she died, the son she really wanted and my wives a husband who can be of value to a family. I should not have lived this long as in the disease before I found Al-Anon and then AA I put my life at risk and the lives of others there also.
When I got here I used the name spelled Gerry which I adopted and adapted from the past where the original spelling was as I sign on here now...Jerry with a J.
My story is my past. I can scarce believe it yet I only look back at it when I have the need to grow. None of it is glamorous or exciting other than the changes which came when I allowed you all into my life.
It wasn't so much a lie as it was a figment of my sick imagination. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God for abiding with me. ((((hugs))))
I can certainly relate. I kept secrets for so long...b/c I was embarrassed for me, for him... scared of what people would think of my son's father. It was so important to me that our son would not feel any outside affects from my AH's drinking/using. After his first stint with rehab, I had found Al-Anon, and my ways of dealing became better. When alcohol took over his life, I learned that making excuses for him was a form of enabling. So I stopped doing it. Most of the time "He's not feeling well," took care of it. If people pushed, as they often do, I would tell them, "That part of our story is his to tell. I have a problem with his alcohol use and we separated," was my go-to for quite a while.
Later, I actually made a type of amends to my Ex (we were separated at that point) b/c I felt I "helped" the progression of the disease by being so secretive in the beginning. He told me, "It doesn't matter who you tell, or what you tell. I have a problem, and I am getting treatment for it." "I am working on defeating my demons." "There was nothing you did to keep this disease going... it was all me." Not once did he blame me or accuse me... THAT'S how you know your Qualifier is/ has embraced humility, and is working a strong program! When he was actively drinking, he accused and blame-shifted, and gas-lighted me all the time!
Anything less, IMHO, shows that their commitment to their program is not authentic.
As usual around here, take what you want, and leave the rest!
Wishing you Peace today!
Once again, I applaud your willingness to see your part, representing a beautiful desire to do Higher Powers will.
About breaking his anonymity, I did that too. Perhaps for the same reason you did, fear, fear, fear... his crazymaking had been escalating which escalated my fear. I ended up doing what I did, stirring the pot, telling our friends and family he was an alcoholic for self-support (which I did need) but my fear affected him, it damaged his reputation and relationships.
Today I know alcoholics are not "bad" people, they sick, deluded people. like all the rest of us can be.
I have forgiven myself for not knowing what I did not know at that time. The past is in the past, today is a new day.
To amend the wrong I had done, I avoid harmful gossip, if I have something to say to anyone about anyone, I try to make it positive. That is who I believe Higher Power would have me be instead. That is how I myself wish to be treated.
Another necessary amend was to enlist a trusted sponsor for me to call whenever Im struggling with others. My sponsor knows my true motive, to overcome the shortcoming in ME that has been aroused by this particular person, not to make anyone the bad guy, not to figure out how to overcome or outmaneuver my fellows... strengthening separatist attitudes... she knows I don't want to live in that kind of reality, so she doesn't enable me in creating it.
You are doing great, my friend... your willingness is an inspiration.
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 24th of September 2018 01:48:10 PM
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 24th of September 2018 01:50:33 PM