Yes .. apparently adulting didn't get any easier since the last go around and I am really not impressed with my kiddo. PNP's post about her kiddo and boundaries hits home in so many other ways at the moment. I am frustrated, hormonal, and just over all displeased with some of the antics going on. We kind of had it out and this is exactly like living with an active A and after living it for 17 years not looking for a repeat performance. Kiddo won't attend any 12 step programs .. lol .. and I laugh because every other program he's presented is based off of a 12 step program. He was doing sober living while he was away at college and like PNP's boy understands fully those consequences of bringing anything illegal into our home. I have ben extremely blunt about that.
So good news first .. classes are going well, I'm super proud of him .. he's working not full time however close enough and starting to understand different things that are going on in terms of ohhh .. this is adulting .. lol .. not liking it however getting it.
Until last weekend .. I don't know what transpired exactly however my lovely child came home with 2 piercings .. he pays no rent, no bills to me, no food and I pay him to clean the house just the bathrooms and the kitchen as it needs it. Pretty sweet deal and I wish I could get one of those .. lol .. there is a requirement .. saving money for next semester .. this includes books, housing fees and so on. The piercings came after spending two days with the school shooter boyfriend who I love and adore. Please insert eye roll and everything else. I am not impressed however I do not impose on who child sees. However .. the piercings .. after everything we have been through .. this has pushed me above and beyond as I was very specific about .. get a piercing do not get a tongue piercing .. mostly because 19 years old and any age these smack enameled teeth and cause future dental issues. Sooo .. that being said I did loose my mind especially the way it was disclosed to me. I am so very grateful for this program .. I am so ever grateful this was AFTER my youngest and his homecoming .. I am honestly kind of tired the way the attention is diverted from him. This seems to be a pattern.
Seriously though .. why this did me in .. I don't know .. don't care however child shot holes in the boat he was standing in and is furiously trying to bail himself out. Sooo .. have I mentioned my hormones are raging. LOL. Why this kid picks these moments to do these things. Comes home Saturday night and my youngest is baffled by the fact he can't understand his sibling and I see a flash of metal and OMGOSH .. child proceeds to stick his tongue out to show us what he has done .. holy crap .. I looked at the child and said good night I will be going to bed. Sunday was the day of reckoning for us .. and after everything was said and done I managed to keep most of my temper .. I did not cry or throw a fit .. I was stern .. and let him know .. this wasn't working for me .. just thinking about it makes my neck hurt .. lol. That I couldn't be disrespected after specifically having the conversation about no tongue piercings and in that moment I saw two .. now .. the nose one I can live with it's not a bull ring or I might have pulled it out .. so let us thank Alanon and my higher power for the fact while He has a wicked sense of humor even He fully understands my temper. I might have been tempted in that moment to tie a rope around it and yank. Lord help me. Anyway, I let him know he had until Spring semester to fully get his money situation in order and he needs to go back to school .. he can't live here anymore. The tears started and he was shocked I would say even confused and my thing was the agreement was to come home and save money of which at this point he has zero dollars .. he's been paying off a few bills and I get that he wants to do something fun and I certainly won't begrudge him that .. these piercings the talk about the 500$ tattoo .. this is about body dysphoria .. we are not talking about the kind if you have an eating disorder .. we are talking about the need in his case to look more masculine. This doesn't make him look more masculine .. they fem him down big time .. so whatever goal he was going for outside of self mutilation escapes me on this one. So the piercings can at least be undone tattoos at this age are more than a marriage commitment .. they are truly going to be a mark in some way on the body. The removal is costly as well as scarring in a very literal sense of the word. If I felt confident he was in a good head space .. and financial space no worries .. however who do you think it's assumed will cover that 500$ lapse? Well .. not me .. sooo .. I did let him know he has until the start of Spring semester ready or not .. he's out. I really mean what I say and I said what I mean. Should he come home with a 500$ tattoo .. he needs to pack and be gone within a two hour window or less .. he's automatically out .. I really needed him to hear me on this one. I got the I can go today if that's what you want however I will not be going back to school .. I have somewhere to go .. I told him .. sorry for you baby .. this is not going to be on me that you don't complete school this will 100% be on you. I'm glad you have somewhere to go, that is for you to figure out .. while living here rent free, no food costs, no bills and so on .. this is not my issue. I explained in detail many kids his age would kill to have his set up. I got more tears. I let them flow. I am to the point of just being done. Part of my frustration is his need to have it all about him .. every time there is something for the youngest the oldest has a crisis. Done. It's not fair and whatever is going on I am not his therapist I am his mother and he needs to figure it out. It is not the transgener child tv show every dang day of the week. I also explained if he has enough money to do these things to his body he def has enough money to do his hormones on his own .. I will drive to the appointments I will listen and I will support emotionally .. the financial train has ended pretty much completely ... I have been buying food for his gluten and dairy free diet .. he can do that if he wants to continue that food diet. Or he can eat what I fix and not spend any money. I also explained I can't detach enough at the moment to live in peace with what is playing out and that's another reason why he needs to go. Our relationship will only deteriorate and I will only become more and more frustrated and that is not fair to either of us. We had a small discussion about he was going to do what he was going to do .. he also needed to keep in the back of his mind .. I have choices too .. I looked at him and said .. you think because I'm your parent I don't have choices in this situation? I do .. I was kicked out of my house when I was 17 because I was an inconvenience to my XASF .. I was not ready on any level for the adult world and I turned 18 not long after (I graduated when I was 17) .. I wanted different for my kids .. I wanted them to leave the nest because they were ready. This one is not ready .. however .. this one has consistently proven to be a survivor and I do believe in him that he can do this .. might be with some missteps .. however .. he will do it. I actually believe he will do it with far less provided he stays focused.
Sigh .. WHY does this kid need to and I mean classically need to make things this hard on themselves .. is it being an adult child of an addict .. is it the fact there is no reality base of what it means to be an adult .. what is it. I am completely baffled .. and I certainly don't want my kiddo to fail .. I see that I am not helping him on any level at the moment doing what I am doing.
The funny of this story is we have pizza night every Monday it's really cheap good dinner. I also wanted him to know .. yes .. as crazy making as he can be .. of course he's my kid and I truly do adore him. We go and as we are standing in line he says to me in his very adult (NOT) tone .. mom since you bought dinner tonight I will buy dinner Friday .. my immediate response since my brain and mouth are not wired together was .. umm .. no you won't .. you need to save your money .. December will be here faster than you realize and you need enough money to move. The utter look of shock that went through this child yet again .. umm ... nooooo .. honey ... love you .. you need to go .. period. When I say I can't do this with you anymore .. I mean .. I can't do this with you anymore. LOL.
Today I sent him a text because he had a really good day at work yesterday and got a raise and figured out how much he was making and so on. He's very happy with himself .. and I am happy for him and I let him know that .. I told him how proud I am and he should feel really good about the great job he's doing at work.
I will drive home today and have a long discussion with the God of my understanding about my younger child and I am not doing this x2 .. LOL .. and this kid is my kid through and through .. hook line and sinker.
Anyway, many hugs however this is what my week has looked like and I feel ok considering .. so hopefully oldest has fully heard and understood I mean business .. I will be sitting down with child and saying .. what are your plans for a budget this week and so on. He really needs to get on track with things.
Hugs S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 20, 2018
(((((Serenity!))))
As I have told you before, this sh*t is not for the faint-hearted! LOL! I am sorry this week has been so tough. However, I happen to think that you are doing right by your both your kids by setting some tough boundaries... like you said, it's not fair to your youngest that the focus is always with your eldest!
Keep hanging in there!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 21, 2018
I feel like i'm in the game of thrones cliff hanger of the last season lol .. instead of saying winter is coming it's December is coming lol .. wellll it gets better spends the night at boyfriends house and I have no idea as I was asked for a ride this week for next Monday/ Tuesday .. ...i'm missing work .. yet again. No information .. I sent a text this early am and said if I don't hear from you before I leave work today you will have to find a different way there (uber). It will not be cheap however not my problem .. I didn't add that. Lol. And the beloved hormone appointment .. suppose to be this month I haven't heard a word. Ugh. So .i'm putting it out of my mind refocusing and staying in my lane. Just not my problem.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 21, 2018
((((Serenity))))
Will missing work affect your job? Because I see this as "doing something for others they can figure out on their own," and it will have negative impact on you (due to ramifications at work). Sorry, being blunt here.
I know I allowed that type of thing to occur one time only... I will get fired for missing too often, so I had to nix his idea of me coming to "save" him with the my wheels straight away - you know, it's not my fault he chose not to do the work to get his license when he was 15,16, 17!!!
And you have already told your son that the hormone cost and appointment is on his shoulders now...so you are doing right by your program by putting it out of your mind! Kudos!
Keep posting if need be... I know firsthand how much getting this stuff "written" down keeps it from renting space in your head!!
Wishing Peace for you this weekend!
Iamhere said
Sep 21, 2018
(((Serenity))) - so so sorry - adulting is hard and parenting is too! Both of my boys had an entitled attitude and expected me to (be able) drop everything to meet their wants and needs. Good Lord - it was annoying, time-consuming, insane and so disruptive. It was my sponsor who suggested I 'act as if' they were not my child, but another adult. When I practiced this concept, I realized they were truly acting exactly how I had 'trained them' for so many years (before program).
I felt I needed to be mom & dad as my AH was unavailable. I don't expand often about the disease in my 'others' as recovery is about me. I had unrealistic expectations that I could be all and do all for them and I tried my very best. I had to admit in recovery that one area I didn't do so well was about .... boundaries, expectations, reality.
If I have an appointment where I need to rely on another person for a ride/pick-up, I was taught that advance notice works best for all - me and whomever. I didn't get this taught well to my kids because I was constantly dropping everything/anything (including work) to provide them a 'soft landing'.
This supermom behavior conditioned them to expect it for as long as I was willing to 'do it'. While this is necessary until about age 12/13, not so beyond that. The reality of adulting is if you don't plan accordingly, things will fall from the air. I did not teach this well because I did all that I could for far too long to keep those balls in the air.
Of course we don't want to see our kids fail. I had to realize that them failing while I was still alive was way better than them being unprepared for the harsh realities of the world after I was gone. What really opened my eyes is I have 2 cousins who are younger than most of us. Their mom divorced their dad because of this disease many years ago. These 2 cousins are now 42 and 35 and they function at about 13-15 years old. They can't pay their bills (she still helps them), they can't complete insurance/doctor paperwork and I could go on and on and on and on. My aunt says she will keep doing for them all that SHE CAN until she passes. The reality is ... when their was a major medical/mental health issue while she was traveling, neither of them had a clue what to do. IT became MY problem as my aunt was out of the country, and I was dumb enough to answer the phone that day.
After a couple of these types of scenarios, I realized this could be me if I didn't consider retooling my kids. As with all things, it's a work in progress. I do believe that boundaries are healthy for all relationships - not just parent/child, A/Al-Anon, etc. My boys now know that I won't change my plans to help them manage their lives. My oldest asked me last night @ midnight to help with daycare today. I saw it upon awakening and shared my plans. He responded later with, nevermind - we figured it out.
I will give rides, but I need at least 24 hours notice for any non-emergency. I will always offer to be of service WHEN ASKED. I no longer offer advice, etc. but they don't live with me. I've put them both out at various times and it's always because they want to live their way within my home, and I want them to live within defined, agreed upon rules. I have shared over and over again that when you have your own home, you get to make your own boundaries. My oldest does own his own home and finally - he gets it.
So - as with all things in recovery - I had to really consider my part in each situation that was causing me anxiety and look for changes I could make. It's so, so not easy to retool children who've come to rely on us to 'always drop and run' but it's possible. Just keep doing you, and it will work out! We are on the other side of 'most' of this drama/chaos and I'm glad for that! You will be too - soon enough. Chin Up girl - you're a great mom and have great kids. Some of this is quite normal boundary bending and some of it's not. I never could figure out which was which and in the end it did not matter. What I did figure out was they are acting as I taught them to and the best way to change 'this' was to retrain and retool them with my boundaries.
(((Hugs))) - take what you like and leave the rest!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 21, 2018
Lol .. thankfully the appointment is by phone. I gave a timeline of if you chose not to contact me before my boss leaves i'm not available for a ride. I am irritated I even had to ask that .. at least I can fully let go now. It is what it is.
Yes .. apparently adulting didn't get any easier since the last go around and I am really not impressed with my kiddo. PNP's post about her kiddo and boundaries hits home in so many other ways at the moment. I am frustrated, hormonal, and just over all displeased with some of the antics going on. We kind of had it out and this is exactly like living with an active A and after living it for 17 years not looking for a repeat performance. Kiddo won't attend any 12 step programs .. lol .. and I laugh because every other program he's presented is based off of a 12 step program. He was doing sober living while he was away at college and like PNP's boy understands fully those consequences of bringing anything illegal into our home. I have ben extremely blunt about that.
So good news first .. classes are going well, I'm super proud of him .. he's working not full time however close enough and starting to understand different things that are going on in terms of ohhh .. this is adulting .. lol .. not liking it however getting it.
Until last weekend .. I don't know what transpired exactly however my lovely child came home with 2 piercings .. he pays no rent, no bills to me, no food and I pay him to clean the house just the bathrooms and the kitchen as it needs it. Pretty sweet deal and I wish I could get one of those .. lol .. there is a requirement .. saving money for next semester .. this includes books, housing fees and so on. The piercings came after spending two days with the school shooter boyfriend who I love and adore. Please insert eye roll and everything else. I am not impressed however I do not impose on who child sees. However .. the piercings .. after everything we have been through .. this has pushed me above and beyond as I was very specific about .. get a piercing do not get a tongue piercing .. mostly because 19 years old and any age these smack enameled teeth and cause future dental issues. Sooo .. that being said I did loose my mind especially the way it was disclosed to me. I am so very grateful for this program .. I am so ever grateful this was AFTER my youngest and his homecoming .. I am honestly kind of tired the way the attention is diverted from him. This seems to be a pattern.
Seriously though .. why this did me in .. I don't know .. don't care however child shot holes in the boat he was standing in and is furiously trying to bail himself out. Sooo .. have I mentioned my hormones are raging. LOL. Why this kid picks these moments to do these things. Comes home Saturday night and my youngest is baffled by the fact he can't understand his sibling and I see a flash of metal and OMGOSH .. child proceeds to stick his tongue out to show us what he has done .. holy crap .. I looked at the child and said good night I will be going to bed. Sunday was the day of reckoning for us .. and after everything was said and done I managed to keep most of my temper .. I did not cry or throw a fit .. I was stern .. and let him know .. this wasn't working for me .. just thinking about it makes my neck hurt .. lol. That I couldn't be disrespected after specifically having the conversation about no tongue piercings and in that moment I saw two .. now .. the nose one I can live with it's not a bull ring or I might have pulled it out .. so let us thank Alanon and my higher power for the fact while He has a wicked sense of humor even He fully understands my temper. I might have been tempted in that moment to tie a rope around it and yank. Lord help me. Anyway, I let him know he had until Spring semester to fully get his money situation in order and he needs to go back to school .. he can't live here anymore. The tears started and he was shocked I would say even confused and my thing was the agreement was to come home and save money of which at this point he has zero dollars .. he's been paying off a few bills and I get that he wants to do something fun and I certainly won't begrudge him that .. these piercings the talk about the 500$ tattoo .. this is about body dysphoria .. we are not talking about the kind if you have an eating disorder .. we are talking about the need in his case to look more masculine. This doesn't make him look more masculine .. they fem him down big time .. so whatever goal he was going for outside of self mutilation escapes me on this one. So the piercings can at least be undone tattoos at this age are more than a marriage commitment .. they are truly going to be a mark in some way on the body. The removal is costly as well as scarring in a very literal sense of the word. If I felt confident he was in a good head space .. and financial space no worries .. however who do you think it's assumed will cover that 500$ lapse? Well .. not me .. sooo .. I did let him know he has until the start of Spring semester ready or not .. he's out. I really mean what I say and I said what I mean. Should he come home with a 500$ tattoo .. he needs to pack and be gone within a two hour window or less .. he's automatically out .. I really needed him to hear me on this one. I got the I can go today if that's what you want however I will not be going back to school .. I have somewhere to go .. I told him .. sorry for you baby .. this is not going to be on me that you don't complete school this will 100% be on you. I'm glad you have somewhere to go, that is for you to figure out .. while living here rent free, no food costs, no bills and so on .. this is not my issue. I explained in detail many kids his age would kill to have his set up. I got more tears. I let them flow. I am to the point of just being done. Part of my frustration is his need to have it all about him .. every time there is something for the youngest the oldest has a crisis. Done. It's not fair and whatever is going on I am not his therapist I am his mother and he needs to figure it out. It is not the transgener child tv show every dang day of the week. I also explained if he has enough money to do these things to his body he def has enough money to do his hormones on his own .. I will drive to the appointments I will listen and I will support emotionally .. the financial train has ended pretty much completely ... I have been buying food for his gluten and dairy free diet .. he can do that if he wants to continue that food diet. Or he can eat what I fix and not spend any money. I also explained I can't detach enough at the moment to live in peace with what is playing out and that's another reason why he needs to go. Our relationship will only deteriorate and I will only become more and more frustrated and that is not fair to either of us. We had a small discussion about he was going to do what he was going to do .. he also needed to keep in the back of his mind .. I have choices too .. I looked at him and said .. you think because I'm your parent I don't have choices in this situation? I do .. I was kicked out of my house when I was 17 because I was an inconvenience to my XASF .. I was not ready on any level for the adult world and I turned 18 not long after (I graduated when I was 17) .. I wanted different for my kids .. I wanted them to leave the nest because they were ready. This one is not ready .. however .. this one has consistently proven to be a survivor and I do believe in him that he can do this .. might be with some missteps .. however .. he will do it. I actually believe he will do it with far less provided he stays focused.
Sigh .. WHY does this kid need to and I mean classically need to make things this hard on themselves .. is it being an adult child of an addict .. is it the fact there is no reality base of what it means to be an adult .. what is it. I am completely baffled .. and I certainly don't want my kiddo to fail .. I see that I am not helping him on any level at the moment doing what I am doing.
The funny of this story is we have pizza night every Monday it's really cheap good dinner. I also wanted him to know .. yes .. as crazy making as he can be .. of course he's my kid and I truly do adore him. We go and as we are standing in line he says to me in his very adult (NOT) tone .. mom since you bought dinner tonight I will buy dinner Friday .. my immediate response since my brain and mouth are not wired together was .. umm .. no you won't .. you need to save your money .. December will be here faster than you realize and you need enough money to move. The utter look of shock that went through this child yet again .. umm ... nooooo .. honey ... love you .. you need to go .. period. When I say I can't do this with you anymore .. I mean .. I can't do this with you anymore. LOL.
Today I sent him a text because he had a really good day at work yesterday and got a raise and figured out how much he was making and so on. He's very happy with himself .. and I am happy for him and I let him know that .. I told him how proud I am and he should feel really good about the great job he's doing at work.
I will drive home today and have a long discussion with the God of my understanding about my younger child and I am not doing this x2 .. LOL .. and this kid is my kid through and through .. hook line and sinker.
Anyway, many hugs however this is what my week has looked like and I feel ok considering .. so hopefully oldest has fully heard and understood I mean business .. I will be sitting down with child and saying .. what are your plans for a budget this week and so on. He really needs to get on track with things.
Hugs S :)
As I have told you before, this sh*t is not for the faint-hearted! LOL! I am sorry this week has been so tough. However, I happen to think that you are doing right by your both your kids by setting some tough boundaries... like you said, it's not fair to your youngest that the focus is always with your eldest!
Keep hanging in there!
Will missing work affect your job? Because I see this as "doing something for others they can figure out on their own," and it will have negative impact on you (due to ramifications at work). Sorry, being blunt here.
I know I allowed that type of thing to occur one time only... I will get fired for missing too often, so I had to nix his idea of me coming to "save" him with the my wheels straight away - you know, it's not my fault he chose not to do the work to get his license when he was 15,16, 17!!!
And you have already told your son that the hormone cost and appointment is on his shoulders now...so you are doing right by your program by putting it out of your mind! Kudos!
Keep posting if need be... I know firsthand how much getting this stuff "written" down keeps it from renting space in your head!!
Wishing Peace for you this weekend!
I felt I needed to be mom & dad as my AH was unavailable. I don't expand often about the disease in my 'others' as recovery is about me. I had unrealistic expectations that I could be all and do all for them and I tried my very best. I had to admit in recovery that one area I didn't do so well was about .... boundaries, expectations, reality.
If I have an appointment where I need to rely on another person for a ride/pick-up, I was taught that advance notice works best for all - me and whomever. I didn't get this taught well to my kids because I was constantly dropping everything/anything (including work) to provide them a 'soft landing'.
This supermom behavior conditioned them to expect it for as long as I was willing to 'do it'. While this is necessary until about age 12/13, not so beyond that. The reality of adulting is if you don't plan accordingly, things will fall from the air. I did not teach this well because I did all that I could for far too long to keep those balls in the air.
Of course we don't want to see our kids fail. I had to realize that them failing while I was still alive was way better than them being unprepared for the harsh realities of the world after I was gone. What really opened my eyes is I have 2 cousins who are younger than most of us. Their mom divorced their dad because of this disease many years ago. These 2 cousins are now 42 and 35 and they function at about 13-15 years old. They can't pay their bills (she still helps them), they can't complete insurance/doctor paperwork and I could go on and on and on and on. My aunt says she will keep doing for them all that SHE CAN until she passes. The reality is ... when their was a major medical/mental health issue while she was traveling, neither of them had a clue what to do. IT became MY problem as my aunt was out of the country, and I was dumb enough to answer the phone that day.
After a couple of these types of scenarios, I realized this could be me if I didn't consider retooling my kids. As with all things, it's a work in progress. I do believe that boundaries are healthy for all relationships - not just parent/child, A/Al-Anon, etc. My boys now know that I won't change my plans to help them manage their lives. My oldest asked me last night @ midnight to help with daycare today. I saw it upon awakening and shared my plans. He responded later with, nevermind - we figured it out.
I will give rides, but I need at least 24 hours notice for any non-emergency. I will always offer to be of service WHEN ASKED. I no longer offer advice, etc. but they don't live with me. I've put them both out at various times and it's always because they want to live their way within my home, and I want them to live within defined, agreed upon rules. I have shared over and over again that when you have your own home, you get to make your own boundaries. My oldest does own his own home and finally - he gets it.
So - as with all things in recovery - I had to really consider my part in each situation that was causing me anxiety and look for changes I could make. It's so, so not easy to retool children who've come to rely on us to 'always drop and run' but it's possible. Just keep doing you, and it will work out! We are on the other side of 'most' of this drama/chaos and I'm glad for that! You will be too - soon enough. Chin Up girl - you're a great mom and have great kids. Some of this is quite normal boundary bending and some of it's not. I never could figure out which was which and in the end it did not matter. What I did figure out was they are acting as I taught them to and the best way to change 'this' was to retrain and retool them with my boundaries.
(((Hugs))) - take what you like and leave the rest!