I know I shouldn't be surprised. I know this isn't about me. I know this is a disease. But I wanted a different outcome. The easier outcome for me.
It's been quite nice not having to deal with his drinking, once I got through the anger at his last binge behaviour. I've found it easier to focus on me. I've been sleeping better etc.
Ultimately, he was only intending to give it a rest for a month, and he made that clear from the start. So he managed half of that. His choice.
Even though I've got a list of tools from Al anon to practice using now, my first reaction is such disappointment.
DavidG said
Sep 18, 2018
((((((((((((( Nother )))))))))))
Early days... I ask myself- am I focussing on the A. in my own life? I am.
Did I find peace and serenity in Alanon? I did.
Did I find some things I could pass on. Yes.
Practising self-care in the drinking days- is just difficult- impossible, really... hard to find choices and options in the haze- but they are there.
One day at a time...
a4l said
Sep 18, 2018
I read this and thought, it is all part of the process. Trust in it and keep coming back. It is a thinking disease this one. We are told to keep the focus on ourselves. I found that considering the thinking aspect of the disease helped me to understand what I was interacting with. Basically JADE all the way no exceptions. Take care of you however that may be possible.
canadianguy said
Sep 18, 2018
Yep (to what David said).
Disappointment is very natural and understandable when they go back to drinking, as we are forever hopeful of a better result...
The positive thing is within OUR control, as your A cannot dictate whether or not you get yourself healthier (regardless of he drinks always, sometimes, or never again).
You are doing great - try not to let his actions/inactions influence too heavily the number one goal in front of you, and that is to get yourself (and any dependants) healthy, learning, and growing.
Hugs
Tom
A nother said
Sep 18, 2018
Thanks for your replies. What is JADE?
You are right, I must focus on me more than ever. And I will get through this next few hours, and then the next.
Funnily enough, I think my HP is there. My face to face meeting is on a Monday. My child had a conflicting activity on these days which started again after the summer holidays. Yesterday she refused to go, and ah said that if she didn't go then she wouldn't be allowed to go ever again. Child still refused to go, so I can now go to those meetings! Thanks HP!!
Bo said
Sep 18, 2018
In alanon we learn to have -- high hopes and low expectations; especially when it comes to recovery and relapse with the alcoholic. For me, I learned to have high hopes and low expectations with regard to everything having to do with the alcoholic. A disappointment is a premeditated expectation. You can't have expectations when it comes to the alcoholic, yet at the same time, you can't be prejudiced. One thing I was always careful of -- just because I had high hopes and low expectations, or no expectations, I had to make sure I didn't accept unacceptable behavior. The low standards or no standards, were going to be my norm, or become acceptable to me. No way.
That said -- why would I have any expectations at all when it came to an alcoholic who had zero intentions of getting clean and sober. My wife never intended to get clean and sober. She had zero intention of living a life of recovery. She simply was going to "take a break" and "cut back" -- because she didn't have a problem!!! According to her of course.
When I tie my happiness and my serenity to the alcoholic, to them doing anything I want them to do (positive, quitting, getting clean and sober -- especially when they said they weren't going to) -- then I am guaranteeing my "failure" and my unhappiness. When the alcoholic is supposed to do something -- so that I can be happy -- I have zero chance of being happy. LOL. What's missing from this incident...is YOU. Sure, anyone can say focus on YOU. I say it every single day. I live my life in the alanon way. It is a curriculum for living for me, and it is innate. So, like I said, anyone in program can throw around a cliche or a slogan. But it takes a certain person, with strong program under them, to actually implement it. Talk the talk -- but better to walk the walk. Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners. His drinking is NOT part of your process or your recovery. Recovery, attained, is a journey, not a destination, and one cannot magically arrive there. He is NOT part of it. YOU are, you and you alone. While all of the alanon principles are not embraced here in this forum...in the opening of many conference approved, face to face meetings...it says...you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. While this sounds very counterintuitive, and it sounds ludicrous to newcomers/beginners, it could not be more true...when one works the program and finds recovery...real recovery. When I first heard this it was without question impossible...but, when I found recovery...it was not only possible...but it became my norm, my life. Day to day, peace, calm, serenity, and happiness. In my experience, I learned that the alcoholic could not be an ingredient in my recipe of recovery.
So, for me, each time this happened -- and there were about a hundred times -- it taught me one lesson...and that was...I was the problem...and the alcoholic could NOT be the solution. The lesson was that I HAD TO DO AND BE better and healthy. Better and healthier. Acceptance. Surrender. Let go. All Step One. Plain and simple.
So, that being said -- what can you do? Spike up your meetings, talk to and work with your sponsor. Go back to Step One, and immerse yourself in it. And, get better. Be better, stronger, and healthier. If the fear of next time comes up, or facing the reality that he just doesn't want to get better, get clean and sober, live a life of recovery, etc. -- when you are healthy -- then you will be in a place where you can ask yourself, is this the way you want to live your life, is this the life you want to live, and so on. That is when one finds recovery. That is when you are happy and healthy. Recovery doesn't mean you have to be happy with what is. In my experience it is being healthy enough to decide what it is you want. All the best.
Iamhere said
Sep 18, 2018
JADE - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Just throwing that out there! I am sorry that he is active again and I agree that disappointment is natural. I recall feeling that way and as I worked on my recovery, with interruptions of 'active disease' around me, it did get easier.
It took me a while of practicing one day at a time to see that my serenity is directly tied to my recovery and not to if they are/are not active. It took me a long time of practice to pause when obsessing about what they were/were not doing and instead to focus on me, what I am doing. This disease drives significant isolation and I tended to do 'that' when chaos was happening. It was another 'thing' I became aware of. We talk in recovery about the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. For me, each time I found awareness of one of my 'coping ways', I prayed for acceptance and took action. Acceptance is not black/white, perfect/imperfect - like everything in recovery, it is a process. We work on accepting each and every day seeking progress and not perfection.
You are 100% entitled to each and every feeling you have. Nobody can tell you how to feel ever. What we learn in recovery is that feelings aren't facts, they just are. We also learn in recovery how to respond instead of react, and hopefully in healthier ways than before.
Take good care of you and know you are not alone. I have found that unconditional love (for my As) means I love them even when they are on a side journey or slipping backwards. I can love them from across the street or across the town. I pray for mine each and every day - only that they end up happy, joyous and free. I will always have hope for them and I do trust in a power greater than I who has a master plan. You are not alone!
tiredtonite said
Sep 18, 2018
((A nother)))) It is disappointing. All the rationalization we do about it being an illness etc. doesn't take away the sadness. You have your program. That has not changed. Every day our hp puts choices in front of us. Your husband made it through a few weeks. Try not to give up hope for future success. You can be proud of him and love him for trying.
I wish my pride had not gotten in my way as often as it had when my exah made these attempts to get sober. I was such an all or nothing person then. I made my disappointment and resentment obvious back then. That was the part I played within the family disease. I didn't know what I didn't know. I had no idea how hard it was to withdraw from a substance, the physical toll it can take on a person. I thought he should simply stop and not pick up. What's so hard about that, I thought. I'm grateful to this program for all I've learned and continue to learn about this illness.
I think between fear of losing them and sadness after having seen a glimpse of them resurfacing as that available person again, it can be so painful when it's fleeting. I hope you will keep sharing with us as you work through these feelings odaat. Every day hp brings new awarenesses, possibilities and opportunities for us and for our alcoholics. TT
I know I shouldn't be surprised. I know this isn't about me. I know this is a disease. But I wanted a different outcome. The easier outcome for me.
It's been quite nice not having to deal with his drinking, once I got through the anger at his last binge behaviour. I've found it easier to focus on me. I've been sleeping better etc.
Ultimately, he was only intending to give it a rest for a month, and he made that clear from the start. So he managed half of that. His choice.
Even though I've got a list of tools from Al anon to practice using now, my first reaction is such disappointment.
((((((((((((( Nother )))))))))))
Early days... I ask myself- am I focussing on the A. in my own life? I am.
Did I find peace and serenity in Alanon? I did.
Did I find some things I could pass on. Yes.
Practising self-care in the drinking days- is just difficult- impossible, really... hard to find choices and options in the haze- but they are there.
One day at a time...
I read this and thought, it is all part of the process. Trust in it and keep coming back. It is a thinking disease this one. We are told to keep the focus on ourselves. I found that considering the thinking aspect of the disease helped me to understand what I was interacting with. Basically JADE all the way no exceptions. Take care of you however that may be possible.
Yep (to what David said).
Disappointment is very natural and understandable when they go back to drinking, as we are forever hopeful of a better result...
The positive thing is within OUR control, as your A cannot dictate whether or not you get yourself healthier (regardless of he drinks always, sometimes, or never again).
You are doing great - try not to let his actions/inactions influence too heavily the number one goal in front of you, and that is to get yourself (and any dependants) healthy, learning, and growing.
Hugs
Tom
You are right, I must focus on me more than ever. And I will get through this next few hours, and then the next.
Funnily enough, I think my HP is there. My face to face meeting is on a Monday. My child had a conflicting activity on these days which started again after the summer holidays. Yesterday she refused to go, and ah said that if she didn't go then she wouldn't be allowed to go ever again. Child still refused to go, so I can now go to those meetings! Thanks HP!!
That said -- why would I have any expectations at all when it came to an alcoholic who had zero intentions of getting clean and sober. My wife never intended to get clean and sober. She had zero intention of living a life of recovery. She simply was going to "take a break" and "cut back" -- because she didn't have a problem!!! According to her of course.
When I tie my happiness and my serenity to the alcoholic, to them doing anything I want them to do (positive, quitting, getting clean and sober -- especially when they said they weren't going to) -- then I am guaranteeing my "failure" and my unhappiness. When the alcoholic is supposed to do something -- so that I can be happy -- I have zero chance of being happy. LOL. What's missing from this incident...is YOU. Sure, anyone can say focus on YOU. I say it every single day. I live my life in the alanon way. It is a curriculum for living for me, and it is innate. So, like I said, anyone in program can throw around a cliche or a slogan. But it takes a certain person, with strong program under them, to actually implement it. Talk the talk -- but better to walk the walk. Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners. His drinking is NOT part of your process or your recovery. Recovery, attained, is a journey, not a destination, and one cannot magically arrive there. He is NOT part of it. YOU are, you and you alone. While all of the alanon principles are not embraced here in this forum...in the opening of many conference approved, face to face meetings...it says...you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. While this sounds very counterintuitive, and it sounds ludicrous to newcomers/beginners, it could not be more true...when one works the program and finds recovery...real recovery. When I first heard this it was without question impossible...but, when I found recovery...it was not only possible...but it became my norm, my life. Day to day, peace, calm, serenity, and happiness. In my experience, I learned that the alcoholic could not be an ingredient in my recipe of recovery.
So, for me, each time this happened -- and there were about a hundred times -- it taught me one lesson...and that was...I was the problem...and the alcoholic could NOT be the solution. The lesson was that I HAD TO DO AND BE better and healthy. Better and healthier. Acceptance. Surrender. Let go. All Step One. Plain and simple.
So, that being said -- what can you do? Spike up your meetings, talk to and work with your sponsor. Go back to Step One, and immerse yourself in it. And, get better. Be better, stronger, and healthier. If the fear of next time comes up, or facing the reality that he just doesn't want to get better, get clean and sober, live a life of recovery, etc. -- when you are healthy -- then you will be in a place where you can ask yourself, is this the way you want to live your life, is this the life you want to live, and so on. That is when one finds recovery. That is when you are happy and healthy. Recovery doesn't mean you have to be happy with what is. In my experience it is being healthy enough to decide what it is you want. All the best.
It took me a while of practicing one day at a time to see that my serenity is directly tied to my recovery and not to if they are/are not active. It took me a long time of practice to pause when obsessing about what they were/were not doing and instead to focus on me, what I am doing. This disease drives significant isolation and I tended to do 'that' when chaos was happening. It was another 'thing' I became aware of. We talk in recovery about the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. For me, each time I found awareness of one of my 'coping ways', I prayed for acceptance and took action. Acceptance is not black/white, perfect/imperfect - like everything in recovery, it is a process. We work on accepting each and every day seeking progress and not perfection.
You are 100% entitled to each and every feeling you have. Nobody can tell you how to feel ever. What we learn in recovery is that feelings aren't facts, they just are. We also learn in recovery how to respond instead of react, and hopefully in healthier ways than before.
Take good care of you and know you are not alone. I have found that unconditional love (for my As) means I love them even when they are on a side journey or slipping backwards. I can love them from across the street or across the town. I pray for mine each and every day - only that they end up happy, joyous and free. I will always have hope for them and I do trust in a power greater than I who has a master plan. You are not alone!
((A nother)))) It is disappointing. All the rationalization we do about it being an illness etc. doesn't take away the sadness. You have your program. That has not changed. Every day our hp puts choices in front of us. Your husband made it through a few weeks. Try not to give up hope for future success. You can be proud of him and love him for trying.
I wish my pride had not gotten in my way as often as it had when my exah made these attempts to get sober. I was such an all or nothing person then. I made my disappointment and resentment obvious back then. That was the part I played within the family disease. I didn't know what I didn't know. I had no idea how hard it was to withdraw from a substance, the physical toll it can take on a person. I thought he should simply stop and not pick up. What's so hard about that, I thought. I'm grateful to this program for all I've learned and continue to learn about this illness.
I think between fear of losing them and sadness after having seen a glimpse of them resurfacing as that available person again, it can be so painful when it's fleeting. I hope you will keep sharing with us as you work through these feelings odaat. Every day hp brings new awarenesses, possibilities and opportunities for us and for our alcoholics. TT