Can't get rid of this irritable feeling. AH away with friends on rehab. He wants to come back home having stopped drinking but no life change.I. e contine working on his own will be lonely and his work will not help his painful back. His choice but with no change he will inevitably drink again. He also wants money as I have been given some but don't think it adisable. Feel stressed! X

hugs, ling - I sure do know that irritable feeling. I've been sitting with it for a while this summer/fall. I think for me, it comes from the desire to make a decision, and not having enough information to do so. Is something the right or wrong thing to do? for me, so much of that depends on whether my AW is drinking or sober and seeking recovery. I've felt at a point where I'm waiting to see how she is going to handle herself and her relapse, because how she handles that will give me the information I need to make a decision. The waiting is hard. Of course, I could just make the right decision for myself. Early on in my program, one of the old timers told me that deciding not to make a decision today was also a decision. I hold onto that often when I'm not sure what to do and feeling irritable or off-balance because of it.

You are really right, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Keep coming back

Ling,

I relate this to my neglecting my own self care so I hope you are being gentle with yourself. I also needed permission to say the word "no" because that made my anxiety sky rocket .. rejection, someone else would be upset with me, blah blah blah .. fill in the blank, ... it is ok to say no .. it is also a complete sentence. The other person has the right to their own responses I am not responsible for them. Part of that irritability is the fear for me of the unknown and I am frustrated as well as upset .. in my case .. hormones too .. ie .. relate back to self care .. please take care of yourself, be gentle to yourself and it is ok to say no if you mean no .. with the understanding the other person is free to choose their own responses/reactions.

Big hugs .. one day at a time.

S :)

((((ling))))

I used to feel irritable all the time, so I know the feeling! Usually b/c I wanted to control a situation, but knew I could not. Early on in my recovery, I allowed my SO back into the family life, not knowing enough about addiction. Now more educated about the subject, I look back and thought, "What a mistake I made with that one!"
But you know, hindsight is 20/20 as they say, so I try not to beat myself up with that. In the end, you can only do what you need to do for YOUR peace and serenity. Your AH will of course have his reactions to your actions, but that is why he has a program. If no program, then he has chosen to not embrace change in himself (deep personality changes) and is only clean and sober to "get something."
As with anything here, this is my ESH... take what you want and leave the rest!

Wishing you Peace today, ling!

Hi ling-Oh that irritable feeling is so familiar to me. And earlier in program I had so much trouble getting rid of it. But over time I have learned that feeling miserable only hurts me. It doesn't help, it doesn't change anything (especially my A), and it can ruin a few hours, a day, or several days. Now why should I do that to myself??? So I have learned to use the Serenity Prayer, slogans, and even texting a program friend. Writing on this board helps too. I used to just write when upset, and now I try to write daily. It keeps me connected to program which really has helped me heal, cope, and enjoy my life! Keep coming back, Lyne

I'm now remembering how overall annoyed I was for a long time. In addition to the usual reasons supplied by people who didn't behave as I thought they "should", I was always always pressed for time.
After I adopted "How Important Is It?" as my personal slogan, I slowly came closer to peace. With that, I noticed how GOOD it felt to get a full night's sleep. Hmmm I started protecting my time so I could sleep. I slowly started taking care of myself better, and I liked how that made me feel.
I paid attention to MOI.
I added real in-person (face-to-face) AlAnon meetings. Then I protected them too - I didn't let anything keep me from investing in the meeting time.
Thanks for reminding me of how very difficult it is. I'm grateful for any degree of comfort and enjoyment I get.
In support....

Been there, done that, countless times. My experience with this -- when my wife went to rehab (numerous times) and wanted to come home BUT NOT with any "life change" so to speak...I knew what I was facing!!! I would not be in denial, I would not negotiate, rationalize, vacillate, justify, and so on. This was not the life I wanted to live...so, for me, I had to decide what I wanted out of life. I could only do this when I found recovery. I didn't write scripts, tell myself stories, believe the stories I told myself, and so on. That is not healthy for me.

My wife also wanted money. That was nothing new. I had money. I earned money. I had assets. She wanted money. Plain and simple...ENABLING. I set my boundaries and stood by them. I honored my boundaries because I knew she wouldn't. She was not supposed to!!! Most people don't get that. So, I worked with my sponsor. He told me that if I stood by my boundaries -- she would get angry at me, she would use guilt, manipulation, blame, love, hate, rage, beg, demand, and more, just to get what she wanted and to get me to do what she wanted me to do. So, I honored my boundaries. I saw everything my sponsor said I would see. I faced it all. If the alcoholic is angry at you -- then you are doing something right! Truth in jest. Forget about what he wants to do -- forget about his version of recovery. All you know is that it's not real recovery. It's not something that will allow you life the life you want. So, focus on YOU and do the work. For you, on you, about you.

Surrender to your feelings. Don't fight it. It's real. You are feeling it. Acceptance, surrender, and then you can let it go. It's normal. For me, what I experienced -- getting better, getting healthy -- me, for me, was a priority. It wasn't about pleasing the alcoholic. You don't think it's advisable (to give him money)...then don't. Work your program, work with your sponsor. You can and will get through this.

(((Ling))) - we talk often in my part of the world about being Restless, Irritable and/or Discontent. All three are typically indicators of what's been mentioned above - fear of the unknown, projecting, assuming, etc. We also discuss solutions which take us right back to the steps.

Usually I find when I am one or more of these three things, I am not in acceptance. I might be trying, but I'm not there. Each program tool points us towards acceptance - steps, meetings, sponsor discussions, slogans, readings. While they may not provide a black/white solution to what's happening right here and now, but they can/will provide relief to slow the thinking, projecting, etc.

I do know that self-care is paramount for my serenity. When I am focused on what others are doing, what they may do or if they will/won't do 'right', I am not in the solution, I am in the problem. The only route I know to get back to solutions is actions in recovery. It really doesn't matter what he is/is not doing, healthy boundaries and detaching can and will provide you with peace in your mind/heart.

I am a big believer in actions speak louder than words. No matter how much I love another person, if the two aren't aligned, I am cautiously optimistic about if I can/can not rely on them. This is way broader than those who brought me to recovery. Smooth talkers, big talkers who talk the talk but don't walk the walk are all around us and I now can exit any conversation or situation with grace and dignity as I have solid recovery.

Hang in there and trust your program and recovery. Use the tools to find your way to your serenity. While we all have similar situations, each of us have our own journey. Be gentle with you and know you aren't alone.