I knew his path must be taking him here, but it picked up speed so quickly that it is shocking. Unlike many A's, he has not been in and out of the ER or had multiple medical emergencies... hadn't been to a dr in over three years, and now he is in a nursing home and his body is shutting down from liver and kidney failure. 

My 54 yr old ex-AH had a blood test 5 years ago that revealed high liver enzymes, but his drinking only progressed, and all in secret.  I finally left, and we got divorced last December. Sometime last winter, he developed walking problems and was diagnosed with foot drop. He did not go to the doctor, despite saying since May that he was "working on it." He told me he was scared that he had cancer, or ALS, or other horrible things that foot drop can be linked with. Despite the fact that our relationship was horribly toxic - he blamed me for everything and had totally disappeared from our 13 and 15 year old boys' lives- I did tell him that I would accompany him to the doctor or support him however I could whenever he was willing to do something positive. He did not go and did not go. His foot got worse, but he was in denial and started saying that it was getting better. Then, about a month ago he began to look a bit yellow.  Three weeks ago yesterday, our 15 year old and I stopped by his house. He was laying on the couch, having suffered from diarrhea for the past 10 days or so. He was pure yellow. The house was filthy. He somehow detoxed himself in the middle of this, which is still amazing to me. I offered to take him to the ER, but he refused... since the dr appt for his foot was finally the following day.

On that day, 3 weeks ago today, he went to the dr. And was then sent to the hospital. And then rushed by ambulance to another hospital, with kidney and liver failure.  He also had an infectious bacteria that he had picked up due to a weakened immune system. He spent three weeks in the hospital, the first half in isolation due to his infectious disease. They gave him months to live, and possibly weeks... there is nothing that could be done for him save for a liver transplant, and he is likely too weak to be transported let alone undergo surgery. Now he is in a nursing home. He seemed to accept his fate pretty easily, although I am still not sure how much he understands. He goes in and out of confusion. He tells me he is dying. He is confined to his bed, but says he will be up and walking in a few days. He blames the staff for not getting him up walking sooner, but he refused PT most days. 

There have been some good moments. I got to see him sober for the first time in a few years. We had a few good conversations in the hospital. I let him know I forgive him and asked for forgiveness as well.  I spent a night on the couch in his hospital room. We had recently gone through a legal process that ended with the court ruling that we could only communicate by an email app, but that went out the window when he got so sick. Those moments were fleeting, as now he is more confused and in the moment of where he is -- The outer world seems to be dropping away from him. I brought our older son to visit, but his dad was more interested in football on TV than in his son (which is just like it has been these past few years).  It was so painful for me to watch. Our son said, "even though Dad is confused, he still makes more sense than he has these past few years when drunk."

I have a lot more to share, but I will stop here. My big question for me is, best ways to apply my alanon program in this situation. I can't bear to open my daily readers right now. I do spend time here, and I spend a lot of time reading everything I can about other people's experience with death from liver disease. I am using my slogans: especially First Things First and Do the Next Right Thing. Trying to live One Day at a Time, but I am absolutely terrified about what these next weeks will bring for my children and me. I accept that I am powerless over this disease. But beyond that, the emotional burden feels soo huge right now...paralyzing There are healings happening, but a lot of challenging things emotionally. His friends and family have basically left him alone these last few years, and not believed what I have told them about his declining state - because they only talked to him on the phone and he was a BS artist who put on a good show - talked about his kids like he shared life with them - blamed everything on me - and they believed his show. Now, they are all showing up. People who hung up on me or refused to talk to me about my concerns for him are telling me that they love me, they don't blame me, etc. There is healing, and also resentment! But I mainly only have enough energy to get through each minute, trying to support my kids, while dealing with his family an friends, doctors, lawyers, paying bills, dealing with his house (because of the infectious disease, all clothes and bedding had to be thrown away, which is a yucky thing to deal with while their owner is still alive...). Although we were divorced, there was a lot of paperwork we had not completed, and it has made everything more confusing, especially as I try to apply for longterm medicaid for him, while wondering if he will even be around long enough for all this extra hassle to be worth it. (It requires disposing of his assets, jumping through a lot of hoops, etc. Which will be extremely helpful if he lingers for months, but not so much if he does not have long.

I welcome all ESH from those who have unfortunately walked this path before me. I do not want to go down with the ship. It just feels like too much to handle all at once...   thanks for listening.

((Oceanpine)) my 42 year old son passed in the same manner This is indeed a dreadful disease. Meetings. The Steps, the slogans and prayer helped me to keep showing up and doing then next right thing. Prayers on the way

Oceanpine this is where I learned about how much healing I needed to have and do rather than anyone else including my alcoholics and addicts.  What I was doing and not doing and what the consequences to that were for me.  I applied the lessons about looking back at myself and asking that question, "what is my part in this"? and "How is that coming out for me"?  The thoughts, feelings and behaviors the fellowship surrounded me with as they cared for me I had to also learn.  The picture you paint of laying in your husbands hospital room attending to him reminds me that to be fair,  honest and just with myself I must act out caring that way also for me as I acknowledge that I also need help and assistance or continue to ail.

We know about the alcoholics in our lives.  We can cite clearly what they do and don't do and nod our heads in affirmation while listening to the experiences of other brothers and sisters in recovery.  This morning I woke up in inventory  of what I need to accept and what I need to let go to my HP and what I need to change as best I can.  A best part of that inventory always is having our recovery program on a daily basis cause this works when I work it.

Your alcoholic is living with the consequences of his own choices.  Respect his choices leave him to his consequences and keep coming back.  How are your face to face meetings and sponsor?   

(((((hugs))))) 

So sorry to hear this Oceanpine.  I have wondered how you were faring. Sending you lots of love and strength at this time to you and your boys. Take good care.

I'm sorry (((oceanpine))) to read this very sad news. Prayers for you and family. TT

Sadly I have been down this path too. My ex-AH died this past March.  He had all the stages you describe: the doctor's warnings, the denial, the worsening condition...  He actually did stop drinking some months before the end, but it was too late to reverse his health.  And he wasn't wholly rational and "with it" even without the daily drinking.  It is almost unbearably painful, isn't it?  I don't know where I would have been without leaning on everyone I could lean on, and a number that didn't even want to be leaned on!  Don't panic if you can't do this, but you might have a lawyer look over his will and make sure there is nothing that is going to cause big trouble down the line.  (My ex's will was out of date and did indeed cause big trouble because he had appointed people who were no longer around, etc.)  My ex's will and accounts were all in chaos and it has caused no end of difficulty.  But if you can't get to that in the middle of everything, don't feel bad.  The best thing is that you are treating each other with kindness, and that will be a sustaining memory.  Hang in there, and courage.  {{{Hugs}}}

(((oceanpine))) I'm sorry for the loss to you and your son. Prayers as you go through the grief process and all the confusing and unpredictable emotional highs and lows. One day at a time. TT

Condolences and empathy sent from Hilo Oceanpine.   HP is with you and the family.  ((((hugs)))) 

Oceanpine, I am sorry for your loss.