So last night my AH called me from a county jail, an hour from our house. DWI, had to come get him.
Of course I was annoyed. Strangely, at that moment, I wasn't even angry. I've actually been waiting for some police officer to call me to tell me he's been in an accident and is wrapped around a tree (this is (sadly) one of my great fantasies). Having seen my AH spouse swig vodka straight out of the bottle like some kids will drink milk from the carton, I think I knew that this was destined to happen. As a sign of how normal alcoholism has become in my life, my first thought was "thank goodness I have some time tonight and tomorrow to get him/fetch the car". Geez. What has happened to me?
Anyway, I woke up this am thinking about this and felt my blood start to boil, but then I thought, these are the consequences of staying with an AH. Right now my hands are shaking because in my effort to "do the right thing" (stay married! be supportive!) I get further and further into the hole with him.
I thought about getting a divorce but then I wonder if I would have to share custody with him. I guess at some point I have to weigh "he gets custody for short periods of time", versus "whole family goes down tubes eventually".
I just wish that one of the "choices" was "he decides to stop drinking and wrecking everything".
thanks for listening. I just had to let that out. Now I'm going to get on with my day and just roll with the punches.
hotrod said
Sep 16, 2018
((Fefora)) glad you shared and know that you are not alone. This is indeed a dreadful disease so I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
JerryF said
Sep 16, 2018
I am also glad you shared Fedora as that is for me the first different thing I did to create change in my life with the addicts and alcoholics. Sharing with those who had the experiences of also living with and then changing their situations. I wasn't born with a list of alcoholics and addicts I was supposed to take care of and cure and I wasn't born either with a definition and description of the disease. I was born into the disease on both sides of my family and had to get into the program reluctantly at that to learn about it and how to live my life in ways that were not as affected by the insanity and lack of serenity.
The Alanon Family Groups and MIP are the two programs I use to live now...Thank you God. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 16, 2018
Yes, I agree with the others Fedora... sharing keeps us from feeling like we all alone with this dreaded disease. Unfortunately, nothing changes if nothing changes, and most of the time, we are the ones that have to change... our thinking, our ways of dealing, location, marital status... whatever. We can't love them enough to cause change in them.
Wishing you Peace today!
Iamhere said
Sep 16, 2018
(((Fedora))) - I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way....the disease and the insanity are more than one can handle, so also want you to know you are not alone!
In my home, after a few bail-outs, it crossed my mind I could also put boundaries on this/these 'things'...I set a boundary of 'One and Done' - meaning I will bail you out one time only and then YOYO - You're On Your Own...it's worked quite well - didn't keep mine from going to jail, but did allow me to say No and leave them sit there until the court process.
Take good care of you and be gentle with yourself!
Bo said
Sep 16, 2018
When I read your post, it brought me back in time, in a split second. I went through exactly the same thing and debated fought myself mentally, and kept going back and forth and back and forth in my mind over and over again. For me, my experience -- and you sound exactly the same as I did when I was going through it -- and what I am hearing is that you are writing scripts in your head and allowing those scripts to dictate your actions, decisions, etc. Now, if that is not whats taking place, OK, but for me, I was so in it and didn't realize I was writing scripts. It's what we call -- in alanon -- projecting. Pure and simple.
My sponsor and I discussed -- why was I going to get her/bail her out of jail. Why weren't her friends, who she goes out drinking with all the time, why didn't she call them to get her/bail her out? Because she got to live her life, party, drink, etc. -- and I was the one she called when she got into trouble...to come get her, bail her out, solve the immediate problem (her being in jail), etc. Why did this become the norm? Well, it wasn't. My sponsor said I allowed it to become my norm!!! I too wanted to stay married and be the supportive spouse. However, because of my script-writing, projections, and MY DENIAL, I wasn't asking the real question...is this the way I want to live my life? Is this the life I want to live? She thought she should should be able to do what she wanted to do...and I should help her deal with it. That's what her "marriage" was in her mind. Sure, we had talks about how things would get better, she would quit, monitor, reduce, her drinking. But, 5 years later...after all the promises, all the "good behavior" and her "slowing down" and "reducing her drinking" -- I WAS IN THE SAME PLACE I WAS IN 5 YEARS EARLIER.
Like you, I got further and further in the hole with her. Nothing changes if nothing changes...and that slogan is about ME...not the alcoholic!!!
I weighed, debated, argued in my head the entire divorce thing. I went over custody, visitation, and everything else. I -- like you -- turned it into a "devil you know" bottom line. Leaving vs. staying. Kids. Custody. And...are you ready for this? I am an attorney!!! My whole family was going to be torn apart -- or, so at least I told myself that!!! The reality -- it was already torn apart!!! Look at the life in front of me. What was it. Children are far better off coming from the proverbial so called "broken home"...as opposed to living in one!!! I just was so in it -- I didn't see it. I didn't get it. Why? Because I didn't want to!!!
I stopped. I had enough. I simply stopped my own mind BS -- no more scripts, projections, etc. I was so inside my own distorted thinking, I spoke to another attorney -- and got the facts. It was facts that allowed me to get better, think better, and think normal, and continue to get better. Get healthy.
So last night my AH called me from a county jail, an hour from our house. DWI, had to come get him.
Of course I was annoyed. Strangely, at that moment, I wasn't even angry. I've actually been waiting for some police officer to call me to tell me he's been in an accident and is wrapped around a tree (this is (sadly) one of my great fantasies). Having seen my AH spouse swig vodka straight out of the bottle like some kids will drink milk from the carton, I think I knew that this was destined to happen. As a sign of how normal alcoholism has become in my life, my first thought was "thank goodness I have some time tonight and tomorrow to get him/fetch the car". Geez. What has happened to me?
Anyway, I woke up this am thinking about this and felt my blood start to boil, but then I thought, these are the consequences of staying with an AH. Right now my hands are shaking because in my effort to "do the right thing" (stay married! be supportive!) I get further and further into the hole with him.
I thought about getting a divorce but then I wonder if I would have to share custody with him. I guess at some point I have to weigh "he gets custody for short periods of time", versus "whole family goes down tubes eventually".
I just wish that one of the "choices" was "he decides to stop drinking and wrecking everything".
thanks for listening. I just had to let that out. Now I'm going to get on with my day and just roll with the punches.
((Fefora)) glad you shared and know that you are not alone. This is indeed a dreadful disease so I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
I am also glad you shared Fedora as that is for me the first different thing I did to create change in my life with the addicts and alcoholics. Sharing with those who had the experiences of also living with and then changing their situations. I wasn't born with a list of alcoholics and addicts I was supposed to take care of and cure and I wasn't born either with a definition and description of the disease. I was born into the disease on both sides of my family and had to get into the program reluctantly at that to learn about it and how to live my life in ways that were not as affected by the insanity and lack of serenity.
The Alanon Family Groups and MIP are the two programs I use to live now...Thank you God. Keep coming back...this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Wishing you Peace today!
In my home, after a few bail-outs, it crossed my mind I could also put boundaries on this/these 'things'...I set a boundary of 'One and Done' - meaning I will bail you out one time only and then YOYO - You're On Your Own...it's worked quite well - didn't keep mine from going to jail, but did allow me to say No and leave them sit there until the court process.
Take good care of you and be gentle with yourself!
When I read your post, it brought me back in time, in a split second. I went through exactly the same thing and debated fought myself mentally, and kept going back and forth and back and forth in my mind over and over again. For me, my experience -- and you sound exactly the same as I did when I was going through it -- and what I am hearing is that you are writing scripts in your head and allowing those scripts to dictate your actions, decisions, etc. Now, if that is not whats taking place, OK, but for me, I was so in it and didn't realize I was writing scripts. It's what we call -- in alanon -- projecting. Pure and simple.
My sponsor and I discussed -- why was I going to get her/bail her out of jail. Why weren't her friends, who she goes out drinking with all the time, why didn't she call them to get her/bail her out? Because she got to live her life, party, drink, etc. -- and I was the one she called when she got into trouble...to come get her, bail her out, solve the immediate problem (her being in jail), etc. Why did this become the norm? Well, it wasn't. My sponsor said I allowed it to become my norm!!! I too wanted to stay married and be the supportive spouse. However, because of my script-writing, projections, and MY DENIAL, I wasn't asking the real question...is this the way I want to live my life? Is this the life I want to live? She thought she should should be able to do what she wanted to do...and I should help her deal with it. That's what her "marriage" was in her mind. Sure, we had talks about how things would get better, she would quit, monitor, reduce, her drinking. But, 5 years later...after all the promises, all the "good behavior" and her "slowing down" and "reducing her drinking" -- I WAS IN THE SAME PLACE I WAS IN 5 YEARS EARLIER.
Like you, I got further and further in the hole with her. Nothing changes if nothing changes...and that slogan is about ME...not the alcoholic!!!
I weighed, debated, argued in my head the entire divorce thing. I went over custody, visitation, and everything else. I -- like you -- turned it into a "devil you know" bottom line. Leaving vs. staying. Kids. Custody. And...are you ready for this? I am an attorney!!! My whole family was going to be torn apart -- or, so at least I told myself that!!! The reality -- it was already torn apart!!! Look at the life in front of me. What was it. Children are far better off coming from the proverbial so called "broken home"...as opposed to living in one!!! I just was so in it -- I didn't see it. I didn't get it. Why? Because I didn't want to!!!
I stopped. I had enough. I simply stopped my own mind BS -- no more scripts, projections, etc. I was so inside my own distorted thinking, I spoke to another attorney -- and got the facts. It was facts that allowed me to get better, think better, and think normal, and continue to get better. Get healthy.