Its been quite a roller coaster of late, this past , while, anyway...deaths, changes (not wanted ones) , work loss, ME  and ME  and did I say ME???

Its like I "hit a wall" with this self saboteur..this wounded part of me running amok...compulsive mind racing, translating to my hands and I do stuff with no mind behind it, hence, misplaced items, klutzy accidents, then the cycle goes where I have to double check and triple check me because I know this is going on....Its been baaad of late..

Friday , I get up and I tell the shadows within and outside of me..."YOU are NOT gonna mess up my day....this is MY life and I am takin it back....GOT IT?????"

I go to work and immediately I have to "put out another fire" in the form of the state thinking we underpaid our sales tax....I call the local office and I tell them  "WHAT can I do to make this finally GO AWY????"  He and I get to work on fax'd letters from me to him/state of TX comptroller and FINALLY I get a confirm fax from him telling me we are "zero'd out" re any open or back due balances through July 2018, August payment is not due till Sept. 20th...."   I tell him check for Aug is going out today, plus the other blank, zero debt form showing just the sales.............he apologized to me for the mis-hap and promised me that we were "square and clean account"     

I see the candy in the basket..chocolate...beckoning to me to "eat me and feel good"  I tell the chocolate to kiss me where the sun don't shine, NOT bingeing today...I grab a , yes, its had choc., but mostly peanuts and its a HEALTH food bar for athletes...I eat it with a dollup of organic peanut butter on it and I am "OK" with my treat........so now its 1 pm.....so far??? self saboteur  0    me  2   gotta keep my lead...

I do some breathing exercises and I tell me under no uncertain terms , "if I catch you rushing, moving your hands w/no mind behind it, I am gonna make you STOP and FREEZE...NO movement at all for the count of 20"   well i had to do that a few times....like Pavlov's dog only Pavlov's dog wasn't as stubborn.....

mind racing, fingers and hands cannot keep up, so my typing is skewed...have to correct reversed letters, and like today, when Mr "J" was dictating my letter to Austin, Comptroller, I told him to slow down so I could type it right and neat and no errors.....so I was doing OK so far

then , friend whose taxes I did and he was behind on payment to me..(I do NOT do receivables but made exception for him and he was late))  I told myself, I am gonna send it to the universe, what will be will be and what good is it in fretting????  and I did let it go.........he texts me and says after work, he is coming with balance of debt tonight.......I say "OK...thank you"  He shows up with cash AND a big bag o french fries....I grabbed the fries first!!! Go figure...Stomach is #1,  bills come in at #2....

Before he came,  I go to my favorite thrift shop that is closing at end of month and I "hang out" for a bit, chat up my friends, do some vids of us all and i got some really great tops for fall and winter.....$1 a piece....everything in store is 1/2 off and clothes are $1 a pop....Tab comes to $10...can't beat it, but I am sad to lose my store where a bunch of us would "hang out--shop--chat each other up'''have fun"  another unwanted change....

Up until Friday when I saw SOME hope in managing my issues, I was thinking of just saying 'to hell with it" and just accepting that I am just too damaged, wounded for this program to help me..I can't afford therapy not very much, anyway and the sliding scale therapists are all religious based and I don't want to hear about the bible, I want to hear recovery...and what can I do to help my battered mind /thinking/ emotions (anger has been bad lately) ....the decent ones who can handle messed up cases like me are EXPENSIVE, BIG BUCKS....so I've had to , with research, reading, working workbooks, meets, sponsor/recovery mate sharing, steps, slogans, journalling and NOW I have added tapping and cognitive behaviour therapy to my list of RX's for this mess called "Rosie, aka mamalioness" 

when I do a mistake that is born out of not slowing down and paying attention, I can hear his ugly , slimy voice saying,  "yea, I TOLD you you were a stupid b**ch and a screw up"  and ya know???? last night I almost tossed in the towel and just resigned myself to a crap life because I am too messed up

Today, I get up and something is prompting me along to "not give up on me"  I was "this close" to doing just that.....just giving up....too much damage....can't find all the pieces to this plane wreck that was my life....big pieces, I found and glued them back together,  even some smaller pieces, I found, however many pieces are just lost!!!! so I have to create new ones , I guess, to make me able to "FLY" again........NOW I understand and feel the utmost of compassion for these victims of cults, etcetera , who are brainwashed, robbed of their true identities, turned into "stepford wives" who have no voice, no who are literally living in a universe of one...they live the way their tormentor created them to live ...I was brain washed...programmed....groomed.....

so the big ?????  is------CAN I???   CAN I????   DO I have the TIME left to?????    UN-do all this????? 

Last night, I was in tears, journalling my feelings, asking if there is a divine helper, NOW is the time to hear my plea for the peace to accept what I am not going to be able to change...the courage and will to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know where to keep going.....Where/When do I LET GO....detach....let the chips fall where they may......

Today, I wake up and I made the decision that my heart is beaten, bloodied and bruised, but it is still beating....I can't let the bad win......I can't let fear and evil win......So Today, I decided to  FOR TODAY, take one step at a time but step forward.....

thanks for hearing me...........                                                                                                            

That's all real stuff for me also Rose and what works for me best and isn't easy is one word....STOP!! until I can find balance and then stay out of that crazy room.  You can do it...you've done it before.   ((((hugs)))) 

Hi (((Rose)))

I've been thinking of you today. I wanted to respond to your post but not on the fly from my phone. I wanted to take the time and thought you gave me as I struggled to leave my unhealthy work situation. I'm glad you are doing a little better at the conclusion of your post than you were in the beginning. Some days our mind and body just don't want to cooperate with one another and all we can do is just give it to our higher power, just let go, lean into it and wait for it to pass. In my humble opinion, from all I've read of yours here, I think the foundation you've built with your Alanon program and other various tools you've chosen to acquire is stronger than those thoughts that haunt you now and again from your past. My history differs from yours but those negative messages come to me too. Others in the program have shared this too. That has caused me at times to just call in sick and not push myself. I use to have this skewed idea that if I didn't fight it, it won. Today, I don't believe that. It's part of my acceptance of myself to love all of myself as I am and do what I need to do to take care of myself. Am I sorry for some of the scars I carry? Sure, given a choice I would likely say I would prefer not to have them. I'm not one to say like some in alanon that I'm grateful for alcoholism in my life because it led me to this program and a better way of life. Pfft.. I would have preferred to have skipped a few experiences that landed me here. But I've grown to truly believe that and I don't say this from a place of ego but rather from the my deepest sense gratitude to my higher power.. that these experiences, people are responsible for desire to be on this journey, to remain open, know myself more and understand the richness of giving back.  

I love reading your posts and hearing about all the cool things you are doing and willing to risk to try to live a fuller and more joy filled life. It's good to be able to laugh at ourselves. I enjoyed reading about your battle with basket of chocolate. I was so there with you and wondering what kind of chocolate lol. Yep, it takes one to know one! 

Anyway, I'm really glad you shared and I honestly felt so much less alone because I've been out of sorts all day - irritable and apologizing for it nonstop, just not sure where it's all coming from but likely some residual resentments concerning my former boss  But like you, I know I'm pretty darn lucky to have tools to not let it take up too much space in my very good life! I'm glad you are back with us again here Rose recovering odaat. TT

Also.. I've wanted to ask you what the letters spell that you are holding in your picture. I've been thinking it "worth." Did I guess? Just been curious!