I used to be so calm. So very logical and calm.  I think being married to  really destroyed that. He didn't destroy it, the whole marriage did. It was crazymaking. We have been seperated but still in contact and in different countries for nine months. It has been good to have that physical space between us. He returned due to an ill parent and will be here for six months or so. It is almost impossible to avoid him: our family homes are literally around the corner. Plus you know, the kids.  I am a bit torn in regard to the kids. He is not capable of consistency , goes out of his way to break routines and then there's always the ticking timebomb of his disease of alcoholism.  I don't like him much. Having said that, as best he can and as much as he can, he loves his children. and they are all very naturally loving little people. The difficulty is, love is not enough to keep them physically and emotionally safe.  This is a man with a chronic "i didn't intend it to happen and therefore no matter what happens it isn't my fault". Literally, if they came to harm, I know he would never ever accept any type of responsibility no matter how minute. There would be a justification and the discussion would get shut down. That was so maddening. 

I do not want to get back on that crazy train. The thing is I have a free pass, and it takes just a conversation to board the train. To be honest, the kids are a lot calmer now that they know that their father isn't here and mum is not letting him walk in when he feels like it. I have told the older one honestly that I do not know what I am going to organise.  I let them go for what was supposed to be an hour that turned into three hours, they had no dinner, it was a school night and they came back at what would normally be a half hour after bedtime with none of the bedtime stuff done. I had just finished a law tutorial and was pretty disappointed that the same old crap we argued about for years was still going on. So they get back late, and I am now having to do what should have already been done only now I'm running into overtime. No way does that work for me. Dinner was cooked and they know exactly what is involved on school mornings and evenings so honestly looking after then could not be simpler. Take them as you said you would, feed them the already cooked food, then direct them them to toothbrush and showers before tucking them into bed and turning off the light. A monkey could do it they are so well settled into routines, dress themselves ( because they have very set tastes which shall we say are different to my own: they are all about the sparkles, pink things, and sadly, disney princesses), they know their storybooks off by heart and are just generally loving children.  I find out instead that they have been left to roam in the plantation with another child who uses foul language while dad drinks with the child's parents. They did not have a good time, were able to see that for themselves and were hungry, tired and dirty. I went off at him.  I was so mad. He was not drunk but I just can't get my head around his logic.  I really am starting to think that alot of the stuff he does is a deliberate "up yours" to me. he just does every single little thing that he knows will piss me off and he does them all at once. Lol. Now its lol it was not lol at the time. i guess it just annoys me because we have fought about this stuff for years and it makes no sense to me. 

So after that I said he isn't taking them anymore.  i have tried to logically and calmly discuss things with him. doesn't work. anyway at this stage im not looking for parenting solutions just esh on staying calm. i honestly find his diseased thinking to be a major trigger for my own emotional reactions and I really really do not want to go there again. i want to be that calm, logical, rational person I once was and can be again. I just don't remember how. 

((A41))) It is obvious that you are a loving caring mom and I can understand your concerns regarding the children interacting in this situation. I found program the most difficult to embrace when children were involved. You are doing fine-- being aware of your feelings, sharing them here is great step. Hold on to he serenity prayer and a small slogan at all times Remember "This too shall pass"

((((Aloha A4l))))  this also was one of my drives when I accepted the help of the program and I got over the fear of asking the fellowship directly at meetings, "what do you do?" so that I could do differently instead of my habit which always got me into trouble.  I listened and with faith follow their experience rather than fall back into mine.  I got a different outcome which was better than mine.   I was looking for change and today that is what I have.  I don't have the insanity of living with the alcoholic/addict.

My elder sponsor taught me "the opposites" meaning if what I was feeling at the time was causing me trouble, then to find it's opposite and practice that and get the opposite result.  For me that was peace of mind and happiness.  I learned how to feel and practice feeling acceptance and my whole system settles down.  

Living in the disease is polar different than living in recovery.  I am so grateful for the program and fellowship.   Keep coming back.  ((((hugs)))) 

My gratitude as always to you all. I wrote that post out last night feeling a bit perturbed and as soon as I woke up, I read all your caring replies and that was a much more positive start to the day. Meetings are difficult here as the anon part is not afforded much priority, and everywhere there is a clash of egos and power. Small population; can't drive off an island, so I'm extra grateful for the board and again to all of you. 

I am aware of my recently aquired habit of going off then over compensating for it by being too nice. I get mixed up about it sometimes. I start off nicely, then when the plan changes my frustration begins. More talking. Calm again. It just continues to escalate until finally I am snorting steam. And i am not reacting to the current incident, i am reacting to every single incident that has ever happened over which I could never express myself because when he doesn't want to hear something, he flat out doesn't hear it. Intellectually I know that is not fair or healthy. Rather than overcompensating for losing it, I must stop losing it to begin with. In that respect we are both the same really. We overcompensate for our shortcomings, and neither of us really appreciates the others' compensation: we are both selfish alcoholic thinkers. Too much in common and a million miles apart. We had a brief chat today. We still don't know what to do with the kids. I hope we will work something out. For myself I will simply try to stay in the present moment and not get caught up into emotional history. I am definitely not ready to let them go for long periods until some kind of evidence is visible that they will be safely cared for.  I am thankful that we will never have to go to court over them. That is a good thing.

One day at a time huh?! xx

Hi... reading your post today, it just keeps saying, over and over, the word "BOUNDARIES" :)

Try working though some boundaries that will allow you NOT to grab that ticket onto Crazy Train, as we have been there, done that - and the ride ain't all that fun......

Living in and around active A's, and/or A's with isms, is a challenge for all of us, and even moreso when young kids are involved.... 

For me, I had to get back to basics.... the only thing that my kids really needed - was to be loved and safe.  I used that baseline to form the boundaries that I needed for my health & sanity, as well for the kids....  My A didn't always like it (heck, sometimes she absolutely hated it), but it was necessary for both myself and my great kids.....  I had to learn, re-learn, and then learn it again - that I had to stop believing that my A, who was sick and irrational - would behave and act in healthy and rational ways.....

Keep coming back - you're doing great!

Tom

Thanks Tom. You're probably right. We tend to be a little more task oriented than time oriented here, as a norm. That is an adaptation as it is.  A bedtime based on a clock?  What kind of weird creature are you? Lol. It is like that though. I am conscious of not enforcing my beleifs on another society and judging it based only on one side. There are pros and cons to each.  I'm going to sit on this parenting stuff and disengage from direct action for a while. There is no need to make a decision or find a solution today or tomorrow. I will just say that. I'm not sure and when I am I will let you know. I am open to hearing suggestions but can't give you an answer on the spot.   That will be my little boundary, giving myself time to reach an understanding. thanks!