I need someone to talk to who is in a similar situation. If anyone is interested please let me know. Bouncing around in my own head panicking is not helping. Tried alanon local and its just not for me. Thanks.
Bo said
Sep 11, 2018
Lucas, welcome. So, why was just not for you? Did you try one meeting? A second/different one? Different meetings have different dynamics, different people, different everything -- EXCEPT the alanon program. The steps are the same, the principles are the same, and that is a good thing...a very good thing. That's the constant -- and it's a very good thing because when it comes to alanon, the program, the principles...it works, if you work it.
So, why was it just not for you? If you share why, you might get some other/different perspectives, and it might make sense to you. Thank you.
Keep coming back...and consider going back to different meetings. Alanon can and will definitely help you with the panicking, mind-racing, anxiety, and so much more.
serenity47 said
Sep 12, 2018
I had to try several different meetings until I found one that was a good fit for me. The first couple of ones I went to I didn't like but I continued to go until I was able to find one that was better for me. By the time I arrived at the doors of Al-Anon, I was in so much pain and turmoil anything else was better then what I had been trying to do alone. There is also online meetings here which I attended in the early days which were immensely helpful. Keep coming back.
Freetime said
Sep 12, 2018
Welcome, Lucas. I came to this forum several years ago because I had an alcoholic spouse and have found a lot of support and recovery. Based on my experience, if you post a specific question or struggle you are facing, the members here will respond with great understanding, experience, strength and hope.
Bo said
Sep 12, 2018
Excellent points. Lucas, alanon will help you, will allow you, to get out of your own head. When I was at the height of being "in it" and my wife was full-blown, spiraling out of control, etc. -- I used to describe what was going on inside my head as one of those lottery machines, with the hundred little balls, bouncing around inside it non-stop, a million miles per hour, and they just keep going and going, and never stop. I couldn't get one reasonable, logical, thought and think it through. My mind, my head, my brain just kept going and going and going, bouncing from one idea, thought, to the next, every second or two. It was the most horrible feeling I ever had. I thought I was having a nervous break-down. My panic attacks, anxiety attacks were hours at a time.
Share with us Lucas.
tiredtonite said
Sep 12, 2018
Hi Lucus,
We have online Alanon meetings available here. I've found them to be very helpful in combination with in person Alanon meetings. Some people use online recovery exclusively. Everything in the Alanon program is merely suggested. This is a take what you like and leave the rest program.
I don't personally have experience with an alcoholic wife. I was surprised to see that our One Day at a Time daily reader actually has a topic called Husbands of Alcoholics. Perhaps those reading might offer the experience, strength and hope you are seeking.
I have always been told that the Alanon program is worked the same regardless of who the alcoholic is in our life. With that said, I think it can feel somewhat different for us depending on the relationship of the alcoholic to us. If the alcoholic is our child rather than our spouse there might be even greater tendancy to try to rescue. Of course there are no absolutes concerning any of this.
Alanon does teach family members about boundaries and that can be so intrumental in acquiring and maintaining a sense of sanity and serenity in our lives.
If you do a little research, you may be able to find a mens Alanon meeting in your community. There are all kinds of Alanon meetings out there. Either way, I hope you will keep joining us here to share and recovery. Keep coming back! TT
Iamhere said
Sep 12, 2018
Welcome to MIP Lucas! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I too arrived here because I was bothered/affected by the disease of alcoholism in a spouse as well as parent, children. The disease is cunning, baffling and powerful and most of us find that we've fallen into a trap of distorted thinking, reacting and more as a result of living with the disease.
I too had to try a couple meetings before I found a good fit. I also attended meetings here twice a day for a long while which helped me with the racing brain. This is a WE program - we share our Experience, Strength and Hope with each other to find solutions that work in our homes/lives. We do not give advice, but instead talk about what it was like (before recovery), what happened (with recovery) and what it is like now! We focus on self and progress always, never perfection.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone and there's hope and help in recovery!
canadianguy said
Sep 12, 2018
Welcome Lucas....
As others have already pointed out, posting here and talking to others will certainly help, but I am also a huge advocate of Al-Anon, as there is something amazing about talking with others who know exactly what you are experiencing. (doesn't have to be solely men either, as the issues are pretty similar across genders). There are online meetings on this site, and tons of great literature out there (one of my faves is "Getting Them Sober, volume one", written by Toby Rice Drews)
Your post reminded me of my own story. When I first entered the doors of Al-Anon, I went to one or two meetings, and decided it wasn't for me at all. I saw a bunch of old, bitter women, bitching and complaining about their A-husbands, and that didn't work for me. So I went home - for about two years - and my wife's drinking escalated, and my life became even more unmanageable.... In desperation, I went back to Al-Anon, and found a group of loving, caring, empathetic people who both understood what I was going through, AND were sharing their experiences that were eerily similar to my own.... The reality check - it was exactly the same group of people from two years prior! Bottom line, I wasn't ready for Al-Anon at that time, but later on - when I truly was "sick and tired of being sick and tired", I went back, and got huge help and recovery from going to meetings.
Hope you keep coming back. There are several men here on MIP, as well as lots of awesome folks from both genders.
Hugs,
Tom
JerryF said
Sep 12, 2018
Aloha Lucas and welcome to the family. Mahalo, Thanks, for the honest "It's not for me" share. That was exactly what I felt, said and did, when I first arrived not seeking help but just patronizing others who where trying to help me understand the disease and that they knew what it was like living with an alcoholic/addict spouse. My wife was alcoholic and addict and trying to mentor her into good drinking, normal drinking without using drugs too did not arrive to me that not only was I powerless over the diseases of addiction and that I knew absolutely nothing about the disease and didn't even know that I didn't know anything. I was running on self will alone wanting everything to be normal because I wanted that and yet I came to find out our life was normal for a married couple living with the active diseases.
At that time I left more meetings than I attended and I was angry and insane as described by those who attended before me and stayed to work the program anyway. This disease is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and it owned both my wife and myself. It is a fatal disease that if not arrested by total abstinence will kill its victims who are not only the drinkers.
Stick around and read the experiences of the victims here who worked for and attained sanity and serenity whether the alcoholic continued to drink and use or not. This site is not referred to as "Miracles in progress" for nothing.
When I finally gave up and accepted the truth that I was powerless and that my life was fully unmanageable I accepted the direction of a Higher Power and stopped citing the program as being "full of it" and went back, sat down and listened with an open mind...wide open mind and got my mind, body, spirit and emotions changed with the ESH (experiences, strengths and hopes) of the fellowship and program. This is my miniature share but along with the others I hope you will find more hope and keep coming back to work it as it is successfully done.
Your wife is very sick and not a bad person trying to hurt you. Give this a try. Try what I did early on after I finally gave up fighting it...Go to 90 meetings in 90 days (if your area has that capacity) and sit, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back we will save your chair. (((hugs)))
Lucas Buck said
Sep 12, 2018
You all are amazing. Thanks for all the thoughtful comments. I have only attended one meeting which is the only one in my area. Tom pretty much hit the nail on the head. Maybe Im just not ready yet. I just feel like I need someone to talk to. I wont talk to anyone I know for reasons Im sure I dont need to list here.
A little background I havent shared before. My A grew up in a chaotic destructive household and has major league PTSD the likes of which I have only encountered with war veterans. Loud noises bring her to tears. The neighbors dog barks and she freezes in a ball of terror. When I come home from work, even though she knows its me she is scared to death for the first fifteen seconds or so until I hug and kiss her and she knows shes safe. Drinking has been her coping mechanism since shes thirteen. When shes not drinking shes pissed off at me and the world and everything else. Shes angry, frustrated and miserable.
I did my best to deal with her addiction for years but she reads me like a book and can see how freaked out and worried I am all the time. Im a terrible actor and cant hide anything from her at all. She hates making me feel this way so she hides her drinking the best she can or goes without for days, weeks or even months at times. But then shell go on a bender and since she wont drink at home anymore inevitably I end up picking her up off the floor of a train platform as she is blackout drunk and cant find her way home. This is only because she saw me break down one too many times after I found out she was driving blitzed out of her gourd. So she wont drive anymore when she drinks.
When shes good shes the best person Ive ever known. When shes bad the craziest thoughts imaginable roll through my mind on a loop. Bo describes it to perfection. Intimate hell.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hate admitting I need a shoulder to cry on. Ill try another meeting. Ill try the online meetings as well. I must do something or things will not end well for me. She knows I wont leave her no matter how bad it gets. She hates that fact. Shes trying to do better. Weekly therapy with an addiction specialist is helping I hope.
Bless you all.
-Lucas
Iamhere said
Sep 12, 2018
Lucas - the meetings that we have here can be found in the upper left hand area. There is the times and a link to get you to the meeting room.
Hang in there and keep coming back. It's tough to love an alcoholic, and you are not alone!
bud said
Sep 12, 2018
Hey Lucas, welcome, and you are in the right place and I am glad you are here. I echo the sentiment of others and many years ago did not feel Alanon was for me. Fast forward and I can't imagine life without the support and skills that I could only find in these rooms.
Come and vent anytime. I have found that MIP and face to face understands like no one or no where else. I'm thrilled your wife has some support and, if you're ready, it's your turn for support too.... keep coming back and give it time Alanon is so worth it and so are you!
I need someone to talk to who is in a similar situation. If anyone is interested please let me know. Bouncing around in my own head panicking is not helping. Tried alanon local and its just not for me. Thanks.
So, why was it just not for you? If you share why, you might get some other/different perspectives, and it might make sense to you. Thank you.
Keep coming back...and consider going back to different meetings. Alanon can and will definitely help you with the panicking, mind-racing, anxiety, and so much more.
Share with us Lucas.
Hi Lucus,
We have online Alanon meetings available here. I've found them to be very helpful in combination with in person Alanon meetings. Some people use online recovery exclusively. Everything in the Alanon program is merely suggested. This is a take what you like and leave the rest program.
I don't personally have experience with an alcoholic wife. I was surprised to see that our One Day at a Time daily reader actually has a topic called Husbands of Alcoholics. Perhaps those reading might offer the experience, strength and hope you are seeking.
I have always been told that the Alanon program is worked the same regardless of who the alcoholic is in our life. With that said, I think it can feel somewhat different for us depending on the relationship of the alcoholic to us. If the alcoholic is our child rather than our spouse there might be even greater tendancy to try to rescue. Of course there are no absolutes concerning any of this.
Alanon does teach family members about boundaries and that can be so intrumental in acquiring and maintaining a sense of sanity and serenity in our lives.
If you do a little research, you may be able to find a mens Alanon meeting in your community. There are all kinds of Alanon meetings out there. Either way, I hope you will keep joining us here to share and recovery. Keep coming back! TT
I too had to try a couple meetings before I found a good fit. I also attended meetings here twice a day for a long while which helped me with the racing brain. This is a WE program - we share our Experience, Strength and Hope with each other to find solutions that work in our homes/lives. We do not give advice, but instead talk about what it was like (before recovery), what happened (with recovery) and what it is like now! We focus on self and progress always, never perfection.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone and there's hope and help in recovery!
Welcome Lucas....
As others have already pointed out, posting here and talking to others will certainly help, but I am also a huge advocate of Al-Anon, as there is something amazing about talking with others who know exactly what you are experiencing. (doesn't have to be solely men either, as the issues are pretty similar across genders). There are online meetings on this site, and tons of great literature out there (one of my faves is "Getting Them Sober, volume one", written by Toby Rice Drews)
Your post reminded me of my own story. When I first entered the doors of Al-Anon, I went to one or two meetings, and decided it wasn't for me at all. I saw a bunch of old, bitter women, bitching and complaining about their A-husbands, and that didn't work for me. So I went home - for about two years - and my wife's drinking escalated, and my life became even more unmanageable.... In desperation, I went back to Al-Anon, and found a group of loving, caring, empathetic people who both understood what I was going through, AND were sharing their experiences that were eerily similar to my own.... The reality check - it was exactly the same group of people from two years prior! Bottom line, I wasn't ready for Al-Anon at that time, but later on - when I truly was "sick and tired of being sick and tired", I went back, and got huge help and recovery from going to meetings.
Hope you keep coming back. There are several men here on MIP, as well as lots of awesome folks from both genders.
Hugs,
Tom
Aloha Lucas and welcome to the family. Mahalo, Thanks, for the honest "It's not for me" share. That was exactly what I felt, said and did, when I first arrived not seeking help but just patronizing others who where trying to help me understand the disease and that they knew what it was like living with an alcoholic/addict spouse. My wife was alcoholic and addict and trying to mentor her into good drinking, normal drinking without using drugs too did not arrive to me that not only was I powerless over the diseases of addiction and that I knew absolutely nothing about the disease and didn't even know that I didn't know anything. I was running on self will alone wanting everything to be normal because I wanted that and yet I came to find out our life was normal for a married couple living with the active diseases.
At that time I left more meetings than I attended and I was angry and insane as described by those who attended before me and stayed to work the program anyway. This disease is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body and it owned both my wife and myself. It is a fatal disease that if not arrested by total abstinence will kill its victims who are not only the drinkers.
Stick around and read the experiences of the victims here who worked for and attained sanity and serenity whether the alcoholic continued to drink and use or not. This site is not referred to as "Miracles in progress" for nothing.
When I finally gave up and accepted the truth that I was powerless and that my life was fully unmanageable I accepted the direction of a Higher Power and stopped citing the program as being "full of it" and went back, sat down and listened with an open mind...wide open mind and got my mind, body, spirit and emotions changed with the ESH (experiences, strengths and hopes) of the fellowship and program. This is my miniature share but along with the others I hope you will find more hope and keep coming back to work it as it is successfully done.
Your wife is very sick and not a bad person trying to hurt you. Give this a try. Try what I did early on after I finally gave up fighting it...Go to 90 meetings in 90 days (if your area has that capacity) and sit, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back we will save your chair. (((hugs)))
A little background I havent shared before. My A grew up in a chaotic destructive household and has major league PTSD the likes of which I have only encountered with war veterans. Loud noises bring her to tears. The neighbors dog barks and she freezes in a ball of terror. When I come home from work, even though she knows its me she is scared to death for the first fifteen seconds or so until I hug and kiss her and she knows shes safe. Drinking has been her coping mechanism since shes thirteen. When shes not drinking shes pissed off at me and the world and everything else. Shes angry, frustrated and miserable.
I did my best to deal with her addiction for years but she reads me like a book and can see how freaked out and worried I am all the time. Im a terrible actor and cant hide anything from her at all. She hates making me feel this way so she hides her drinking the best she can or goes without for days, weeks or even months at times. But then shell go on a bender and since she wont drink at home anymore inevitably I end up picking her up off the floor of a train platform as she is blackout drunk and cant find her way home. This is only because she saw me break down one too many times after I found out she was driving blitzed out of her gourd. So she wont drive anymore when she drinks.
When shes good shes the best person Ive ever known. When shes bad the craziest thoughts imaginable roll through my mind on a loop. Bo describes it to perfection. Intimate hell.
Thanks for letting me vent. I hate admitting I need a shoulder to cry on. Ill try another meeting. Ill try the online meetings as well. I must do something or things will not end well for me. She knows I wont leave her no matter how bad it gets. She hates that fact. Shes trying to do better. Weekly therapy with an addiction specialist is helping I hope.
Bless you all.
-Lucas
Hang in there and keep coming back. It's tough to love an alcoholic, and you are not alone!
Come and vent anytime. I have found that MIP and face to face understands like no one or no where else. I'm thrilled your wife has some support and, if you're ready, it's your turn for support too.... keep coming back and give it time Alanon is so worth it and so are you!