Hi, my ah has suddenly stopped drinking. It's been a week. At first I felt utter relief that I don't have to deal with it for a while (he has clarified that this is just a break for a bit, not permanent. He needs to give his body a break). 

Now I have my husband back I'm in a strange place. I go from happy to angry about past ''wrongs", to hurt, to loving him in random cycles. I'm trying to keep it inside me and thus keep my side of the street clean. One minute I want divorce, the next I don't.

Part of me suspects that he is trying to manipulate me into staying in this marriage. When he was drinking last week I overheard him telling his mum that I was playing mind games (I'm really not. I'm just trying to detach and use the Al anon tools  I have been learning to cope). 

I suppose I don't trust him anymore about anything. It is possible that he is doing this for him and not just for our marriage. 

He hasn't got any outside help, so I think he might be a dry drunk.

There. I've written it down. Now I will pray for clarity. Thanks for letting me vent here.

 Nother...

               the A.most always tries to pin the blame on us- for their sad sorry life. Mine did bigtime. ...

Alanon is a really good place for adulting- just keeping the conversation up- and keeping our corner of the room tidy.

One day at a time... ...

When this happened within the relationship with my alcoholic/addict wife and I, I held on to all of the lessons I I had learned up till it did.  "The disease is cunning, powerful and baffling helped me to understand that neither she or I had a control yet and living minute to minute and day to day was the best alert system that was available and we needed the program and the fellowship and meetings and tools and God...especially God.  I was alerted to "dry drunks" both with her and with me.  I was a sick as she was and at times more so.  Ours is a we disease and I needed to do my part in recovery as dedicated and often as I could.  Without counting the days she didn't drink and use she went back out as the disease would have anyone addicted do and I had to go back out myself in order to maintain my recovery...my own apartment and such keeping the program close and then she stopped again and so did I and the merry-go-round music arrived again and I came to understand relapse needing all of the players available.  I relapsed 3 or 4 more times with only one of them being co-joining with living conditions and then I experienced the feeling of freedom that comes from letting go entirely as they spoke of in the face to face meetings.  Thank God.  I loved her for exactly who she is and continue to do so and hope and pray every alcoholic/addict finds daily recovery without relapse...even your alcoholic.  Stay free from the disease A nother.  This is...we are recovery as much as the disease is cunning powerful and baffling.   ((((hugs)))) 

One of my favorite sayings, and a part of my signature, is "he will either drink or he won't, what are YOU gonna do?", and your post is the poster child for that great saying! :)

Bouts of sobriety/non-drinking can be every bit as confusing & emotionally upsetting as bouts of heavy drinking......  Never sure if it is by design, manipulation, or simply early attempts of the A to start addressing their own alcoholism, but in the end - it really doesn't matter "why"....

If your A is actively drinking, the best solution is choosing recovery for yourself....

If your A is taking a break from active drinking, the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself....

If your A starts committing to a program of recovery for himself, the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself....

If your A swears that he doesn't have a problem and it is all in your head, the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself.....

For my two cents, it is often a bit less chaotic when they are not drinking, but certainly not always.  For me, when my AW would stop, even for a day, her "isms" would kick in and she would want to immediately dive into couples counseling and demand that the two of us need to start working on our marriage, etc...  In that regard, it was almost MORE stressful to me when she was not drinking - as she stayed more on her side of the street when she was drinking.

You're doing well and reaching out, talking things out, and trying hard to break the cycle.  Kudos to you, and keep working your recovery - it looks great on you!

Tom

Tom, I have always loved your signature tag line..."he will either drink or he won't, what are YOU gonna do?" Your post is excellent!!! Thank you very much for posting that.

In my experience, the simple "not drinking" -- the dry drunk thing -- is even more confusing than the drinking. I got to the point, when I found recovery, and was living a life of recovery, my wife's drinking was no longer consuming or damaging me. It was not my focus. I wasn't "involved" in the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. It was hers...not mine. And you are right Tom, in the end, it really doesn't matter why. The more I tried to figure it out -- anything that the alcoholic was doing, saying, thinking, etc. -- the more I drove myself crazy. It was like trying to figure out the riddle "who's on first" -- there is no answer!!! When my wife was a dry drunk -- the 'ism's were still there! Yes, there was manipulation, blame, guilt, love, hate, martyr'ism, and so much more. It didn't matter if it was my wife doing this intentionally or not. It really didn't matter why, or how, or what for that matter.

I love what you said about the three scenarios:

If your A is actively drinking, the best solution is choosing recovery for yourself...AGREED.

If your A is taking a break from active drinking, the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself...AGREED.

If your A hits rock bottom, makes a decision to find recovery, starts living a life of recovery, goes to AA, the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself...AGREED.

And, if your A swears that he doesn't have a problem and it is all in your head, whatever it is, denial, blame, guilt, negotiations, and all of the other things we have seen and faced, the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself...AGREED.

I'll add one to that, which I've experienced many times...

If your A says they want to get better, really wants to, they will get better, but says they will do it "their way" or "the way they want" or will control their drinking, or wants to do whatever it is they want to do, or wants you to be OK with what they do, or anything other than recovery (detox, rehab, IOP, going to AA meetings, regularly, having a sponsor, working the AA program, and so forth)...then the best solution is still choosing recovery for yourself!

For me, in my experience, it's that last one where people get "lost" -- and don't get better. Embrace alanon, focus on your, work the alanon program, make change, live a life of recovery...it is up to you whether you stay, leave, separate, divorce, stay married, live with, move out, etc...that is up to each person. But if you are in alanon and doing the work, working the program, going to meetings, focusing on you, making change, and everything else...then you'll be fine. If not, you won't be. LOL. In my experience, it's the last one where our sickness doesn't get cured. We fall victim to accepting unacceptable behavior, we tolerate the intolerable, we try and create a life where the unbearable is bearable, we go into our denial, our standards, our norm, gets lower and sets itself where our life is...and we convince ourselves we "are happy" or "are OK" so to speak. I did this for several years. Until I started really doing the work -- on me -- and working with my sponsor, embracing the first three steps, and more...until then, I was constantly trying to make my "unhappy" OK...and I convinced myself I did and that I was OK.

My wife too would stop drinking -- no recovery -- and then the focal point became marriage counselling, working on us, spending time together, going away, vacations, doing activities, and so on -- and she was neglecting the real problem -- her drinking! So, our lives became more stressful. I remember how that phase really was her and me being in denial!!! Her 'ism's were not only there, but escalated!!! They became worse. I was so distraught, so sad, so scared...when I learned that "if she just stopped drinking, all would be fine" was simply not true. She stopped. All was not fine. In reality, nothing was fine. I so badly wanted things to be OK...I manipulated my mind, thoughts, etc., and convinced myself I was OK.

That said, A nother, thank you again for sharing. That's the first step in getting better -- sharing and awareness. Keep trying to make change. Keep doing the work...you are getting better.