I am a relative newbie here, but have posted a couple of times before. Has anyone ever told their spouse or other family member that they have a problem with alcohol? Or is it best to not say anything? I know we cannot change them or fix them.

Hi Jessica ..

I'm glad to see you came back. I view it as the same way I say my XAH has challenges with the truth .. yes I can tell him that chances are he's not going to be receptive to that being pointed out. Basically it's my nice way of calling him a liar. Which is an unfortunately true statement even today.

I hope you are still attending online meetings or finding ones that are face to face.

My choice was to tell my XAH that it was my observation he might have some challenges with substances. I need to focus on the fact that this is my "X"AH. LOL. So you can gather how well that worked for me and our relationship however I don't believe not saying anything is the way to go either. This is where program helped me .. sponsorship, steps and so on helped me work through what was right for me. I did not learn until after I left how to talk to my XAH and even now .. I really don't have many nice or kind things to say and that's for various reasons that don't really matter anymore .. I just choose not to engage. I wish I had been more program oriented before I had that conversation because it is possible while the outcome might have been the same .. the relationship may have not been as damaged, I won't ever know since there is no crystal ball.

One of the sayings I like is when in doubt don't. It doesn't mean you can't .. I just encourage you to be in your truth with support from others before you do. That's my opinion on looking back would have been better for me and my XAH even.

Big hugs :) S

Hey Jessica - I came to Al-Anon after numerous treatment centers for my boys....so I had no need to 'tell them' what we all already knew. I have one who's currently practicing some 'controlled drinking' after almost a year sober, and I know words about the disease/drinking will be pointless.

Yet, my sponsor worked with me to determine what was my truth and how I could then say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. As I've grown more sane in recovery, I've realized that under all my fear, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. is really a basic concern for them. A concern for their future, their health and their life. Coming to that truth helped me be able to speak my truth to my son.

My mother picked up a drinking habit (I won't call another an alcoholic as I am not a label gal....) exactly as her father did - after all the kids moved out/on, out of loneliness, boredom, not sure. Her habit has grown greatly and she is having health issues - mostly because of age but some also because of her habit.

After one particular bad night when my father called me frantic about her, I called the next day when I was confident she would be more clear-headed. I asked her if she remember talking with me the night before, and she did not. I then said exactly what I needed to - I am very concerned about how much you are drinking, and afraid for your health and your safety. I offered to visit their state and take her to treatment and/or some AA meetings or counseling or ................... She declined it all. I made sure she knows I am here for her if she changes her mind. I also told her I would not ask about her drinking, discuss it again or make any judgments ever as that's not how love works...

So - recovery gave me the tools to speak my truth and then to let go and let God. I have no expectations of her changing and I have peace. My thinking is, she's 83 years old and if she wants to over-indulge with a substance that might kill her, who am I to say that's wrong? I'm not 'there' so it's not my job to assume I know best for anyone else.

Al-Anon taught me that using You statements is a form of blaming/shaming. Using I statements keeping the focus on you and how you are feeling/affected is 'real'. My sponsor prohibited me from using anything remotely like, "When you ..................., I feel ................ as that is blaming another for my feelings.

I don't know if this helps or not but my sponsor was gold for me in learning what my real truth was (after spending years of blaming others for my state in life) and how to speak it kindly and lovingly...

Keep coming back - you're not alone!

Welcome back Jessica...well, if it's never come up ever before...then it's an interesting question...

My experience, and the perspective I had and learned is that, first, check your motives. To what end? What are you trying to accomplish? What's your motivation? Forget about what you are hoping for as hope at that juncture is simply your will. In the program we learn to have high hopes but low expectations...however, we have to be careful if we feel the need to verbalize those hopes. This may be difficult to understand for a newcomer/beginner, but the gist of it is that we have to learn how to let go of forcing our will, trying to get the alcoholic to change, trying to control, etc. Forcing our will can be as simple as trying to explain that we feel they have a problem. Thus, to what end?

Now, that doesn't mean the topic can never come up. We also learn to say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. However, that doesn't mean just because we do that we get to say it every single day! LOL. We can express something, but it should be inside of a healthy context and perspective we have. When my wife once pushed me on starting a family -- I was able to frame a conversation with her about her drinking. What I did NOT say was that I thought she had a problem with alcohol, or anything of the like. What I said was that when she was drinking, and certain situations, certain byproducts, etc., had an impact on me and it triggered me such that I had some concerns about bringing a child into the world and into our home. Simply put -- I made it about me. I kept it in the "I" and did not point any finger at her. I told her that I felt, I was concerned, I was worried, I was scared...that we both wouldn't be present, able to care for a child, weren't prioritizing starting a family, etc. Now, I knew what was coming...which was...once we had a child, everything would be fine, she would be OK, she would stop drinking, she would be good, and so on. Why did this happen? Because this is what happens when you try to discuss -- in a positive way -- anything with an alcoholic. This is what happens when you negotiate with an alcoholic. This is what happens when you try to apply logic to an illogical person. It doesn't matter if they are sober at the moment...they are still an alcoholic.

Second, this is the perfect topic to discuss with a sponsor, someone who knows you, your situation, in detail and intimately. No offense, but your situation might be generically like someone else's, but specifically, it will be different. No one on the internet can tell you definitively, in your situation, yes, you should, or no, you shouldn't. A sponsor is in it with you. They know you and your situation better than anyone, and they will have the wisdom, experience, and perspective that you won't have, certainly not as a beginner/newcomer.

It is not an easy skill to have a discussion, keep it in the I, and not refer, infer, or reference is some remote way -- the other person, their actions, etc. It can be done. I don't see a lot of people here talking about it, but look at the one-minute approach...I like to see, I feel, I am triggered, I, I, I...and the other person has to take ownership of their part, their contribution. Now, that wasn't developed for a person to try it with an alcoholic, but it is a way to have and frame that discussion. It is not an exercise about just expressing how you feel and standing in your truth. There are healthy and effective ways to do that, however, unfortunately, there are far more unhealthy and ineffective ways to do it...hence my experience that a sponsor can be the secret to success here.

Lastly, having real acceptance that you cannot change, fix, control or cure the alcoholic -- and knowing that the alcoholic will NOT stop drinking UNLESS and UNTIL they want to...is a benefit for us. It may not seem like it when you are a newcomer/beginner, but it is. It has nothing to do with the other person, what they think, what they feel, etc. They couldn't care less that you are coming from a place of love, concern, or whatever. Their thinking -- and sometimes yours as well -- is distorted. Now, this is just me, but I would never say to my wife, or any alcoholic who is involved in my life, anything about their drinking and my thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc., on that. I have no problem expressing that I am triggered, or that "it causes me anxiety" or something like that. However, be prepared to be told that "you" are the problem, and not the drinking. If an alcoholic doesn't believe they are one, doesn't want to get better, quit drinking, etc. -- then I am not offering solutions like counselling, rehab, etc. That, in my experience, at that point, is not my job.

So, talk to your sponsor. If you don't have one. Get one. Now. Go to face to face, conference approved alanon meetings. Learn what the alanon program can do for you...and you will get better. You will get healthy. You will find all of the answers you are looking for inside those rooms. All the best.

Hi Jessica-I remind my A that she is an alcoholic when it is a logical time in a conversation (like mentioning my son and his family don't speak to her) or when she exhibits passive aggressive and/or abusive behavior towards me, because I believe A's live in a state of denial. I say it in a very respectful way, acknowledging that she has the choice to get help or not, but heck yeah I say it. She has been a dry drunk for almost a year and a half, which means she is not drinking (I think most of the time) but has all the unfortunate characteristics of a person still drinking. It's a very difficult and complicated life, having married an A. And of course I have the choice to divorce . If certain things occur again I will most certainly leave. I now have my own place to live and stay there half time. I have to take ODAT, because I never thought she would stop drinking, and if she can do that, she might eventually want alcohol treatment. For instance, if she drinks and drives one more time I'm out. Alanon has enabled to me to have a better life myself, with few expectations of her, and I am much more determined to be happy with or without her. Take your time on all your decisions. There is much to learn and think about, Lyne