The aggravations of the week reminded me of one of the ways I've been estranged from my family.
During tumultuous years with my exAH, I had all I could do to survive. I placed more than 100% of my energy on surviving the day. This meant many things didn't get done, such as return correspondences, etc if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I withdrew from people and isolated. Somewhere before I disappeared, I let them know I needed emotional support and help. Their reply was that no one likes to listen to someone else's problems.
Years later, around the time of my parents' death, they felt "right" in expressing harsh anger with me stating not contacting them was unforgivable.
So this past week has also escalated when I pulled away from "crazy" in order to focus on what was needed. Only, this time, I have Alanon and my MIP family as support. I'm struck by the same kind of response when I pulled back, someone got so fuming mad that she continues to escalate a bad situation but distorts things to support her sense of entitlement. I see no point in hanging around as someone else's punching bag... but each perspective is so vastly different, you'd think it was a completely different incidence altogether.
There are times I feel I need to withdraw and regroup. I let people know, and say I'm not up for talking right now. Long term friends give some space and know I bounce. Other people just get mad... they feel I'm not entitled to space.
It's so odd to see how angry this makes others? Or they're taking anger out on me? Or they're just angry? Control?
I'm sure this is a good time for me to practice that it doesn't matter what other's think of me? I ask because I run into this more than I have cared to.
-- Edited by bud on Tuesday 4th of September 2018 10:16:34 PM
Iamhere said
Sep 4, 2018
(((Bud))) - great topic and I can so relate....I have much going on here as well and I've been 'sad'. When I get sad, I tend to get quiet and that's not my typical. I'm not really grumpy, just quieter than usual yet there are a few who keep asking me why I am mad! I keep calmly suggested I am truly not mad, just wrapped up in my thoughts.
I don't have the answers but do see some, like you suggest, that just leave me be. Others reach out with boundaries to check on me asking if they can be of service. I suppose you are right - trying to just focus on me/my stuff and not what others think of me or how they respond to me. I do know that I have taken personally some things that were said in jest which is not my usual MO - I am just distracted and left of center.
My best answer for my program and journey is doing what you are doing - surrounding myself with healthy folks as much as I can. I try hard to stick with winners and avoid those who suck me dry (and we all have those hanging around). I know I am better able to return to center when I am hanging with healthy people than unhealthy.
I did get a chuckle out of my AH earlier. He's a really good golfer and me - new and not good. I had a horrible day on the course and I know it's skills (lack of) as well as mental distractions. I was telling him about my round and hoping to get some tips or support. Well - he had a horrible round too and suggested we both quit the game. I am considering it but we both know he will not - he's obsessed and has been since long before we met/married.
Life keeps happening, I keep showing up, hoping for the best, one day at a time - what else is a girl going to do? (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Sep 4, 2018
((Bud)0 keep doing you remember what others think of us us none of our business
JerryF said
Sep 4, 2018
great ESH ladies. You brought my elder sponsor out of the mist of the past and I remembered a face to face with him about feelings which he taught me were choices. That one initially stumped me as I thought feelings were reactions. "No...he said, you get to choose how you feel what ever you want no matter what is going on". I did good work on this one for a while and then came to respect that he was right. I get to choose how I feel no matter what is going on around me. Mahalo Don T. I hope you have found that cool wispy cloud to rest upon at all times. (((hugs)))
ginnyc said
Sep 5, 2018
I can so relate. I am trying to back off from crazy stuff and interactions that goes on- especially in my family. I know years of reacting to everything, sick ways of interacting and communicating are habits that for me are hard to break. Especially when no one else is in recovery. All I get is negativity and put downs, sarcasm. So I continue to hang out with my new found family
tiredtonite said
Sep 5, 2018
(((bud)))) Glad you are prioritizing your needs. TT
mamalioness said
Sep 7, 2018
Hey Bud. I just wanted to weigh in and say hello and you got excellent replies to your post here so I really dont have much to add that they didnt already say. I just support you in your recognition that you need quiet, and you are prioritizing your needs in a healthy way. So I just wanted to come in and give you some support and tell you that when I want quiet, I tell my loved ones I need quiet and to rest and if they really love me, Which they do, they give me my space. I pretty much eliminated the ones who will give me sarcasm or put downs or negativity in some other way. I have really streamlined my life, just like my house, getting rid of the clutter, I also got rid of the clutter in my life. You keep on keeping on and keep coming back, hugs from a fellow horse lover
Jen61 said
Sep 7, 2018
When I isolate I feel like I need to re-charge my batteries. Unless someone walks in our shoes they do not have a clue. You need to do what is best for you.
bud said
Sep 9, 2018
Thanks Rose - some days that decluttering process goes easier than others, for sure!
Thanks Jen61 - I appreciate the validation. It's funny how doing what's best for me doesn't necessarily mean that it will all feel good
Jozie said
Sep 11, 2018
(((Bud)))
I too am One that Chooses to Isolate when I need a Break, Sometimes for an Hour, Sometimes for Days/Weeks... but I have Also Learned that with My Sick AFamily , Sometimes in order to get what I Need, I have to Completely Detach... and For Me that Means, Turning OFF My Phone, My Computer, and Any other Device they Maybe tied too, and Normally I Find myself taking a Hike through Nature, or a Ride in my Truck, or a Trip with my Camera to Somewhere Pretty I Seen and Always wanted to Snap a Pic or two... Today was One of those Days, Now Granted today's was Only an Hour of Disappearing, but it was what I needed to Remind Myself I'm WORTH SANITY... and those that Aren't on Board with my Boundaries, have a Harder Time of Finding me...
Thank you for your Post... I Needed the Reminder that Sometimes Isolation is Needed in order to Restore :)
Keep Coming Back :)
Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest
Jozie
bud said
Sep 11, 2018
(((Jozie))) Sending positive thoughts for a better day and I'm glad you're here.
The aggravations of the week reminded me of one of the ways I've been estranged from my family.
During tumultuous years with my exAH, I had all I could do to survive. I placed more than 100% of my energy on surviving the day. This meant many things didn't get done, such as return correspondences, etc if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I withdrew from people and isolated. Somewhere before I disappeared, I let them know I needed emotional support and help. Their reply was that no one likes to listen to someone else's problems.
Years later, around the time of my parents' death, they felt "right" in expressing harsh anger with me stating not contacting them was unforgivable.
So this past week has also escalated when I pulled away from "crazy" in order to focus on what was needed. Only, this time, I have Alanon and my MIP family as support. I'm struck by the same kind of response when I pulled back, someone got so fuming mad that she continues to escalate a bad situation but distorts things to support her sense of entitlement. I see no point in hanging around as someone else's punching bag... but each perspective is so vastly different, you'd think it was a completely different incidence altogether.
There are times I feel I need to withdraw and regroup. I let people know, and say I'm not up for talking right now. Long term friends give some space and know I bounce. Other people just get mad... they feel I'm not entitled to space.
It's so odd to see how angry this makes others? Or they're taking anger out on me? Or they're just angry? Control?
I'm sure this is a good time for me to practice that it doesn't matter what other's think of me? I ask because I run into this more than I have cared to.
-- Edited by bud on Tuesday 4th of September 2018 10:16:34 PM
I don't have the answers but do see some, like you suggest, that just leave me be. Others reach out with boundaries to check on me asking if they can be of service. I suppose you are right - trying to just focus on me/my stuff and not what others think of me or how they respond to me. I do know that I have taken personally some things that were said in jest which is not my usual MO - I am just distracted and left of center.
My best answer for my program and journey is doing what you are doing - surrounding myself with healthy folks as much as I can. I try hard to stick with winners and avoid those who suck me dry (and we all have those hanging around). I know I am better able to return to center when I am hanging with healthy people than unhealthy.
I did get a chuckle out of my AH earlier. He's a really good golfer and me - new and not good. I had a horrible day on the course and I know it's skills (lack of) as well as mental distractions. I was telling him about my round and hoping to get some tips or support. Well - he had a horrible round too and suggested we both quit the game. I am considering it but we both know he will not - he's obsessed and has been since long before we met/married.
Life keeps happening, I keep showing up, hoping for the best, one day at a time - what else is a girl going to do? (((Hugs)))
great ESH ladies. You brought my elder sponsor out of the mist of the past and I remembered a face to face with him about feelings which he taught me were choices. That one initially stumped me as I thought feelings were reactions. "No...he said, you get to choose how you feel what ever you want no matter what is going on". I did good work on this one for a while and then came to respect that he was right. I get to choose how I feel no matter what is going on around me. Mahalo Don T. I hope you have found that cool wispy cloud to rest upon at all times. (((hugs)))
I can so relate. I am trying to back off from crazy stuff and interactions that goes on- especially in my family. I know years of reacting to everything, sick ways of interacting and communicating are habits that for me are hard to break. Especially when no one else is in recovery. All I get is negativity and put downs, sarcasm. So I continue to hang out with my new found family
(((bud)))) Glad you are prioritizing your needs. TT
Thanks Jen61 - I appreciate the validation. It's funny how doing what's best for me doesn't necessarily mean that it will all feel good
I too am One that Chooses to Isolate when I need a Break, Sometimes for an Hour, Sometimes for Days/Weeks... but I have Also Learned that with My Sick AFamily , Sometimes in order to get what I Need, I have to Completely Detach... and For Me that Means, Turning OFF My Phone, My Computer, and Any other Device they Maybe tied too, and Normally I Find myself taking a Hike through Nature, or a Ride in my Truck, or a Trip with my Camera to Somewhere Pretty I Seen and Always wanted to Snap a Pic or two... Today was One of those Days, Now Granted today's was Only an Hour of Disappearing, but it was what I needed to Remind Myself I'm WORTH SANITY... and those that Aren't on Board with my Boundaries, have a Harder Time of Finding me...
Thank you for your Post... I Needed the Reminder that Sometimes Isolation is Needed in order to Restore :)
Keep Coming Back :)
Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest
Jozie