I wish I worked a stronger program with a difficult person.
A woman from the barn I befriended insisted on taking care of my rescue cat on weekends when I was away because my professional sitter wasn't available on weekends. When I was several hundred miles away, I received several texts from her for various reasons why she could not come... the weather, she didn't have gas money, etc. I called my neighbor and made arrangements and texted the "friend" I'd pay her to please drop off the key for the neighbor. She responded by text calling me crude names and said she would not give the neighbor my key that they weren't "qualified" to feed my cat. (?)
Hoping to somehow bridge communication, I called her and she said she didn't want to hear anything I had to say but wanted me to listen to her. I felt held hostage and disengaged. I returned home and found my cat taken care of and in good spirits.
A few days later, I was called for a vet emergency for my horse. It was critical (but he's more comfortable at the moment).
You know what's coming... right?!?
The barn manager and everyone else has had problems with the same women. She tends to see things from her limited perspective and has a need to be right. Any hint of disagreement is perceived as a personal attack and the initiation of a fight. I was told while I was gone she fed my horse treats and used so much fly spray on him that he developed large sores on his body. (and I wish that were the worst of his problems) The vet instructed my horse to not have treats and it may mean the difference of his ability to recover or my having to euthanize.
Since the woman is firmly rooted that she knows better and is "right"; I didn't have the energy to try and weather a conversation with her.
I told the barn manager that it was her responsibility to let everyone know the vet orders and that no one had my permission to not abide by them.
Well, in doing so, it seems the barn manager may have infused things that were bothering her as well when she spoke to the woman. So the end result may have been more than the original intention. Now the woman continues to send me nasty texts, accused me of lying and feels attacked.
Had I handled this myself with the woman, it wouldn't have likely gotten so misconstrued. I feel badly. This is my part.
Oh my, this is so much drama... the very thing I was trying so hard to avoid...
No one here is a bad person; just a bunch of strong personalities that can easily clash and quickly escalates bad feelings.
I'm afraid to call the woman to say what happened because the last time I tried she said she wouldn't listen to me. Give it space and look for a better time to try?
I feel guilty and don't feel good about myself... I know guilt isn't a part of Alanon....need to build a stronger program... ES&H appreciated.
Iamhere said
Sep 1, 2018
Hey (((Bud))) - good to see you. First, so sorry for your horse - that is just a bad deal all around...
My ESH when dealing with difficult people who interrupt and struggle to hear me or even listen is to put my thoughts in writing. I usually will write it all out, and then hold in drafts until the next morning. I will re-read and perhaps run it by my sponsor if I have any doubts and then I will let it go.
You have every right to share that the 'care' provided was inadequate, costly and possibly deadly. I have friends who have horses, and they are not low cost animals. To my friends, their horses are as important as my dog is to me - and this would be a devastating blow.
I think we forget our own growth and personal rights when we are dealing with 'these types' of people. For me, putting in in writing without distractions, interruptions, justifications, and other just gives me the peace of mind to say what I mean, mean what I say and be direct if necessary. If you feel necessary, by all means you can add any amends necessary - yet the facts are that you're paying the price for care that was not 'up to snuff' - so I read.
I readily admit evening is not prime thinking time for me, so if I misunderstood your share....I am an animal advocate and I get frustrated when well-intended people harm animals - accident or not.
BTW - you work a great program! Keep coming back!
bud said
Sep 1, 2018
Thanks for trudging through my post IamHere and you have it right.
The women made potentially costly assumptions regarding my horse and could not be told otherwise. She has a big heart that became misguided. She's on a mission to make sure all animals have food and treats... even against a vet's advice... she seems stuck thinking that animals will suffer horribly if they don't receive food and treats from her.
Frustrating on so many levels.
She comes to the barn to ride someone else's horse, she doesn't even board there anymore. I will never know if she fed my horse something that caused the emergency. I have to live with this along with the massive vet bills and that he still may not make it. There's also no way for me to be sure she doesn't continue to feed him. The barn manager thought she doused him with so much fly spray that caused chemical burns. (and I use an all-natural fly spray) He's not stable to move to another barn.
He's an old gentleman and we've been together for years... yes, it's a close family bond like a beloved dog.
I normally am better equipped for the barn drama but do not have the reserves right now. Funny how I presumed she could empathize as she lost her horse 8 months ago... but, it seems she has no reserves for empathy.
I love the idea of writing it out and sleeping on it for at least a night or two. Perfect. I also love not having to justify myself... I think this was where I started getting stuck in my own head... meh!
Thank you again! Blessed to keep coming back
hotrod said
Sep 1, 2018
((Bud)) you have examined your motives and are willing to make amends I would detach for a time and pray about this situation. You are not alone
bud said
Sep 2, 2018
Thank you Betty! More great ES&H - I know I'm also under duress with many sleepless nights and back and forth trying to see how comfortable I can make my horse... constant evaluation if keeping him going is affording him a quality of life. He's over 36 years old he and I have done well.
I know this woman is still grieving the loss of her beloved horse and do not expect she would be in a position to be supportive. Her horse also had cushion's disease as does mine. She opted to handle her horses' care differently and felt it important for him to have treats daily against the advise of her vet. When her horse's intestines twisted, his age made surgery a poor option, so he had to be euthanized to end the unresolvable suffering.
Yet, I cannot allow her to bully me or my horse because of her need to take action for her distorted justifications. When I initially returned home, she contacted me to "clear the air", where she told me that during the hot days, she removed the fan cooling my horse because she said it interfered with the birds ability to fly out of their nest.
The birds were way up in the rafters and the young ones grew too big for the nest sadly, from the lack of room, one got knocked out of the nest... it had nothing to do with the fan. The bird was put back into a neighboring nest in hopes that it would make it ok and it did. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe the fan blew the birds out of their nest. I had visions of my horse melting in his stall (he was too weak to stand/ walk) because she removed his fan. The purpose of her call was to inform me that I'm not to use a fan on my horse because of it's alleged effects on the birds... apparently my horse's needs were not included in her sentimental scope.
... previously I had been able to hold conversations with this woman, laugh together, support each other...
Thanks for listening and that I'm not alone... more to write and pray as I work through this.... I'm grateful.
-- Edited by bud on Sunday 2nd of September 2018 08:56:01 AM
Lyne said
Sep 2, 2018
Hi bud-I can only think of Progress not Perfection. You have Alanon skills and especially the ability to look at yourself and see what needs fixing. In my opinion , that's practically a gift from God. I try so hard to understand, have compassion, see my stuff, and still I can't do it all right, all of the time. Why not? We are human. I am doing the best I can, with the circumstances I have, and will continue to try and grow and change. That's the best I can do ODAT, and I have to accept that I will still make mistakes even when I should know better. And you know what? I beat myself up emotionally for years and years. I'm not doing that anymore. Instead, I can forgive myself as I work on forgiving others. It sounds like you are working a great program, Lyne
serenity47 said
Sep 2, 2018
I would not be a happy camper should someone take it upon themselves to manage my pets care the way they think it should be done. I believe going to the manager about processes at the barn was correct action and if the manager included other issues then that is nothing to do with you. As for your neighbour not being qualified to feed your cat , I didn't know that feeding a cat was all that difficult lol. Frankly, the woman sounds a little over the top. Nasty texts and such can be blocked, and detaching from any further drama with her. Perhaps the manager of the barn may have to enforce further restrictions on this woman should she not be able to manage herself appropriately while on the premises. After all this is a business and you are a paying customer.
I hope your horse pulls through this. Blessings to you.
bud said
Sep 2, 2018
Thank you Lyne - I'm feeling powerless and so much less than perfect.
Venting:
I'm so upset and it seems that my horse gets worse after each time the woman visits, but I can't prove anything. It's been a few weeks of his fragility already and I was told this was his last chance to try and recover. I have felt overwhelmed and then feel like I've been kicked when I'm down because this woman is so involved with herself and the barn manager is too slow to implement a consequence.
The woman responds to the barn manager's request by saying she thinks the barn manager is crazy. Then I get more nasty texts. The barn manager states if the woman continues to go near my horse, she'll be asked to leave. Really, now... no one will be around to know and she hasn't stopped the first several times she was asked. The barn manager said her Mom will keep an eye on the barn... this is the Mom that earlier told her daughter, the barn manager, that she and I need more compassion for the woman in question and to turn the other cheek!
I now have to call the vet out again and more X-rays will be needed. I'm so aggravated because I'm paying a lot of money for his board, the vets, etc and this woman is allowed to come and she does what she wants.
Vent over. My stomach has been in knots for days.
Thanks serenity47 - good validation and appreciated. This woman has made everything difficult and she gets to go home and sleep at night after morphing her recklessness and irresponsibility as something I do to harm her. In one of her texts: "She would appreciate if I did not tell lies about her to the barn manager." Well, I didn't lie and even if I did, it does not give her a right to infringe on someone else's property.
I feel like sending her a message that says " the barn manager was told by the vet to give everyone the same instruction, unclear why you continue to take issue and sent me such a message; but one thing is clear, if you give him treats, you would be killing him and his last chance to recover. I could not imagine anything more cruel."
mamalioness said
Sep 3, 2018
((((((((((((((((Bud)))))))))))))))))))) I go with Serenity47 on this one...I would not , either, be a happy camper at all if ANYone tampers with my pets......NOBODY hurts my pets....too bad you can't sneak up there unnoticed and CATCH this nut case doing something.....and I agree, going to mgr of the barn was the right thing to do....too bad you can't move him to a safer place.....i used to stable my horses and so I know how ya feel....you can't be there to watch your beloved pet 24/7 so you trust in barn mgrs. or stable mgrs. to watch over things...luckily for me, I had good a good mgr who was totally in love with horses and treated them ALL with gr8 care...can't even imagine how you feel...I would block her texts....and I would put it in writing what is acceptable and what is not to the mgr. and in WRITING and have her sign a copy that she understands your requirements as you are a paying customer and NO treats for your horse...My sister had a very allergic gelding who was so bad if you gave him anything he would nearly get pneumonia his allergies would get so bad...so we put signs up all over his stall...NO TREATS and we made sure stable personnel SAW the posts and acknowledged "NO TREATS for Tag, hes allergic, severe allergies" it seemed to work, but one time a young kid gave him something and poor sis had to pay a vet bill to get him over his severe reaction...terrible mucous in his nose, throat, etc.....his sinuses , if not noticed right away, would get all inflamed.....poor baby!!! She ended up giving him away to this rich couple who could afford to get him better treatment for his allergies.........I am SO sorry, and I am sending your equine baby healing hugs.........
el-cee said
Sep 3, 2018
Seems to me the woman is not capable of looking after your animals. I think it's ok to say no and to get someone else to help you. As for the feelings of others often your powerless. We often have a strong desire for approval and feel rejected when we don't get it.
bud said
Sep 3, 2018
Thank you so much Rose! I'll have the barn manager post a sign 'allergic to treats', but I don't know that will stop the woman.
Thank you el-cee - I'm not sure how to get someone to look after the horse? I go daily but can't be there 24/7 - the barn is an hour away. I'm stuck with the barn manager. I'm also stuck with the woman who comes to the barn and does what she wants, regardless of being asked to stop... she does not have permission to take care of my animals. She is not someone who is hired to take care of the animals. She just shows up and does what she imagines is good for the horses. It is the barn manager's responsibility to stop her, but I worry the barn manager does not have this under control. I'm feeling powerless that this woman is harming my horse... maybe killing him... and I can't stop her; I am seeking for medical care to be enforced. I'm confused at your suggestion that I'm seeking approval and am concerned about other people's feelings... I am not aware of that being my focus, but am open to self-examine if you could kindly guide me to what you're seeing.
2HP said
Sep 3, 2018
I often get my lightbulb moment (what I learn about myself) when I turn my statements of resentment around.
Example, you write about your anger that she didnt listen to you..
Is it true (or perhaps MORE true) that you are really angry at yourself for YOU not listening to you? repeatedly, you mention she did not listen yet you still employ her ( if I understand correctly..?) and nothing changes, you remain powerless in a hopeless situation.
Having been affected by alcoholism, I too stay in harmful relationships hoping that the relationship will change or improve. I have a very high tolerance for abusive relationships (old conditioning.) .. believing this is as good as it gets. I always have to examine my beliefs.
I also had the thought that the barn manager must carry her own resentment with the woman and you gave her the opportunity to address her anger. while it is certainly best for me when I communicate directly with people and not "triangulate," you are only responsible for your part and you can still amend this (a change HP wants in YOU.) I personally hate confrontation. but it has resulted in harming myself and then depression sets in because I couldn't or wouldn't take care of myself, lol
what would your horse say to her? what would your horse say to you? (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 3rd of September 2018 08:51:34 AM
bud said
Sep 3, 2018
Correction:
After the cat incident, I disengaged from her taking care of my cat.
She never was hired to look after my horse.
I am not holding on to my relationship with this woman.
She interferes with my horses' care because this is the type of person she is. I have triangulated because she does not listen to my requests to stop.
You are right, I do feel guilty that I have triangulated. I can send her a message directly, as I have, knowing she'll respond with verbal assaults (as she has) but won't stop doing things that harm my horse.
2HP said
Sep 3, 2018
In my experience, my voice was heard when I reached out to those who had more power. I wasn't heard either. I got verbally assaulted too. My voice was heard in court and I got the results I believed was Higher Powers will.
It took COURAGE I didn't even know I had. had I not acted on this option (which may or may not be yours) I would still be a victim today. I was powerless to make it happen on my own. but not helpless.
bud said
Sep 3, 2018
Thanks for calling me out in a supportive way.
I could do something about my guilt in spite of my fear.
I sent the woman a text that stated the vet instructions and the barn manager's job to enforce the instructions, my horse is fragile and worsening, that treats will further worsen his condition. I thanked her for understanding and appreciate her not wanting me to worry and wished her a happy holiday.
Now I don't feel guilty and am grateful that I don't need to be weighed down by that along with my other emotions.
I realize that alleviating my guilt was the only thing at the moment within my power to control.
el-cee said
Sep 3, 2018
Sorry for the confusion Bud, I was just relating this to when I needed to have strong boundaries with someone and what made it difficult for me, it may not be the case for you. I've been thinking more and more of how big this shortcoming has been for me and I find it in almost all my problems, its about what people think and how I want approval from others in order to feel validated so to set a clear boundary can be scary because the person may not approve of my boundary and may reject me and that is often at the heart of my problems. Its kind of in my programming from childhood so it runs deep for me. You may not suffer from this one and so maybe no need to even considerate it. Take care and I hope it all works out for you and your horses.
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 3, 2018
Bud,
I am so sorry to hear about your beloved horse! Praying for a recovery for him!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 3, 2018
So sorry this is so stressful .. your pets your call and no need to feel guilty .. I fall prey to the I could have done something different after all I hurt someone else's feelings and no .. they had no rights to take upon themselves to do that .. when it comes to any animal it is never my right to presume about diet or anything because you can cause such damage to someone else's loved one .. it's no different than kids .. if you don't know haven't spoken to the parnets then it's not ok to presume something is ok .. and the reality is some people will only ever see their own perception with no regard for others.
Big hugs to you and your horse .. I imagine that the idea of loosing him is extremely stressful as well.
S :)
Iamhere said
Sep 3, 2018
(((Bud))) - I talked to my friend who also has/loves her horse about this scenario. She suggested that IF this was going on where she was boarding, and the horse was too sick to move, she'd contact a lawyer. She's more aware than I what those vet bills, med bills, tests, etc. are costing you. She also suggested contacting the police as the well-intended woman is trespassing each time she visits your horse. She has no business being there, especially is her visits are causing damage to other people's property.
See what your rights are as this situation is bigger than program only. You've tried to deal with it calmly and patiently. If it's not working, bring in the big guns. Recovery has also taught me that that serenity prayer includes involving others who can enforce laws/rules if I can't. Change the things we can....
She was disturbed to hear that the barn manager allowed this woman access to other peoples' horses. She suggests that's a huge no-no here unless there is a release from the horse owner. I feel so bad for you and your horse - living with pain sucks and for animals, it's almost worse as they can't tell us where it hurts always....sending tons of thoughts and prayers.
mamalioness said
Sep 3, 2018
Thank you IamHere for checking this out for Bud....This really upset me what happened to the poor innocent horse....and I agree....getting out the "big guns" when I cannot enforce a boundary on my own....Since I haven't had horses for a while, I've lost touch with the fellow, having to board our pets, folks...Back when I was a kid, I had them on my OWN LAND..then as adult, I had to stable....that was long ago.....thankfully I had gr8 luck with the guy who ran a few of the stables in So.Cal and I didn't get burned
Bud, this is great advice...I wanted to ask some of my pals, but they ALL have their pets on their property......Glad someone on here was able to help you get some "what can I do about this" clarity......
sending you and mr. Horse love and healing energy.....
tiredtonite said
Sep 4, 2018
I'm so sorry to hear about your horse. Our animals can be like family to us and bring us joy and serenity. It difficult to think of life without them. It difficult to be responsible for decisions concerning their health and well being particularly as they age. We want to do what's right. We love them and want to give them the best because in our hearts we feel that's what they gave us.
When I was faced with end of life of my dog, I felt angry and frightened. I didn't want to make any wrong decisions concerning him that would cause him further discomfort, pain or hasten the dying process. And to be honest, I couldn't imagine not having my dog in my life because my dog had been present through so many joyful and sorrowful events of my life. You have your horse so many more years and perhaps below the surface are feeling grief at the prospect of losing this creature that has been there through so much of your life.
What has happened has happened with this "treat woman." Give yourself credit for being in a place of acceptance about it and looking for solutions. You've been given some suggetions. You no doubt have some ideas of your own as well concerning how you would like to proceed. There are so many factors beyond obvious right/wrong when it comes to these kinds of decisions and their impact on our day to day life. If life is already unmanageable, fighting another fight can feel absolutely overwhelming. And just like when living with a drinking alcoholic, we can't offer much to anyone else if we aren't remembering to care for ourselves first and foremost. At such times, I've literally said out loud, "hp, please help me." There's a calmness that happens within me when I speak those words out loud and release the burden of trying to find the "right" answer.
Along with other suggestions you've received, there are animal rescue and animal advocacy, animal rights organizations to call. It might be cathartic to talk it out with people who devote their life to helping animals and you might receive some very good advice concerning what you can do. If an organization is local, there might be someone who is willing and able to check on your horse. Maybe one of the volunteers with such an organization. Who knows, but connecting may bring unimagined answers. We can only take whatever seems to be the next right action and then let go.
Please know that you and your horse are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((bud))))) TT
bud said
Sep 4, 2018
Thanks everyone - I'm so grateful...
Many thanks for your welcomed prayers PosesNPuppies!
el-cee - thank you for the clarification. I agree that more often than not fear stops me. In this case, I laid the boundary of my own horse and was called names. Then the fear became she wouldn't stop no matter what and there was nothing I could do... only, coming here, I realize that was panic speaking and there are things I can do.
The barn manager and the woman are antagonizing each other at my horse's expense. The woman got angry when I detached after the name calling and upped the ante for more and more attention.
Thank you SerenityRUS, you are correct, the woman does not and will likely not see how horrible her behavior is and affects others miserably. It's all about her and if I understand where she is coming from. Her thoughts are unattached to her actions as she ignores self-responsibility.
I so dislike a manipulative bully!
Iamhere and Rose - it's so deeply disturbing that the barn manager took the wait and see stance. Waiting until the woman comes to her senses?! The barn manager told me that her Mom told her to have compassion for the woman. I let her know that she can have compassion and see to it that my horse is unharmed under her paid care.
I will seek legal advice as the woman and barn manager continue their path. I have never seen anything like this at any of the barns I've been at. I'm knotted up that I have to deal with this on top of his condition.
Thanks TT - I am overwhelmed and do not have the energy for everything - I tried to remove undue stress and at the time it seemed logical that I should not have to worry about my horses safety when I pay for his safety and care. Ha - had to laugh at "treat woman" ... she's a real treat, alright ! Will graciously practice prayer and am grateful for the reminder. Also, I'll ask around if there are additional resources.
This ordeal has me thinking about a topic that has been niggling at me for while, will post under another topic.
Many thanks again, dear family. Having your support makes an enormous difference and helps me move forward!!!
mamalioness said
Sep 4, 2018
WAITING till this NUT case comes to her senses???? WTH????? is this MGR. "right in the head"???? a innocent HORSE's life is in jeopardy...this is not a class room where there is a "slow goer" in the bunch, this is a PET!!!! Yes!!! The more i think of it, the more i think legal help is in order....You can sue her, MAYBE?? for the vet bills??? SHe's already admitted this "disaster on 2 legs" has interacted with YOUR pet......sorry, but I am soooo angry for you and this poor horse.....I sent a prayer up , rising, last night for Mr. Horse to come out of this OK...When it comes to a pet, I go nuts!!!! this stupid, poop for brains mgr needs to suffer legal consequences.....BOTH the mgr and this "shouldn't touch your animal" gnat brained lady should pay for your vet bills....they are NOT cheap (Horses) I know!!! owned them and also trained for other owners, showed them, bred them, broke them, I did everything with and for these majestic animals who will always be my passion, till I die....Had them up till about 20 years ago when I moved here....
bud said
Sep 4, 2018
Thanks Rose I'm so emotionally drained from the nonsense, and yet, I need to draw on more reserve to focus in on my good boy. He has been stressed and lost weight this past week... another huge thing...
I sense the barn manager has taken a self-serving stance and cannot be relied on for the truth. I'll find out my legal options, but I think the most that can be done is to ask, but not force, her to sign a contract stating that she will not allow anyone who comes to her property to handle or feed my horse.
Thank you again for your understanding and prayers.
Kcsnooze said
Sep 4, 2018
I have found that so many adult children of alcoholics and/or those of us who have an alcoholic in our lives believe that we are in some way responsible or someone elses reaction and actions. For me, I did my best to bring only good news to my parents because bad news lead to alcoholics arguments. I believed at some level that what I said, did, didnt do, etc., could cause the upset that led the adult to drinking. Follow my logic?
This Woman is endangering your beloved horse. The manager is avoiding confrontation. Bud, you and the manager are worrying about the womans reaction, of which you have no control over. It is ok if she gets upset. People get upset all the time. What you can control is your communications and actions.
It is ok to expect the manager to be held accountable for their job of which you are paying them to do. It is perfectly ok to set boundaries for any other customer, visitor and employee of said barn in dealing with your horse. There should be consequences if they dont honor those boundaries. But boundaries must be communicated very clearly.
I guess I want you to know it is ok if someone gets upset. As long as you communicate both respectfully and clearly.
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Tuesday 4th of September 2018 09:54:40 PM
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Tuesday 4th of September 2018 09:55:59 PM
bud said
Sep 4, 2018
Thank you kcsnooze - appreciated. In a perfect world, there would be enforceable consequences... I haven't found them for this situation yet, and, I feel I've exhausted the possibilities of handling this myself. The barn manager's husband is a policeman and the woman's boyfriend is the chief of police. I'm not feeling safe to call for help. I will speak to legal counsel tomorrow.
mamalioness said
Sep 4, 2018
OMG...Bud, I see what you are saying...mgr is married to a cop...the gnat brain is dating a police chief??? WOW!!! time to speak with a lawyer, I think.....I just wish that Mr. Horse was able to be moved and there was a better home for him...I am very concerned for this poor defenseless animal....You know I have a big back yard and I let my dogs out to play but I am very close by if not out there with them because you get these idiots walking down the sidewalk and my fence is set back from the walk so as to not "tempt" the teasers and they still try to interact wtih dogs that will BITE...So I have to come out...POINT OUT my "NO trespassing" signs and "gently" tell them to please not tease/interact with my dogs and they will bite...DUH!!!! called my ins. agent and he said.."with your fence and your signs, too bad if they get bit because you are covered and WE will defend you if they try to sue as you put signs up" and I did...."guard dogs on duty" and "no trespassing" front and back......and my dogs are 1 ger shep mix...2 bit bull/labs and the two grown up will rip someone apart if they try to hurt me or break in my house or get in my yard...they WILL protect...missus 5 month old puppy is already bristling up her little fur when a stranger walks by so I am sure she will be like the 2 others........I hate to say this, I hope I don't get attacked, but truth is truth...I love animals more than I do most people.....and I can't "fix stupid" but I still...to protect me from some idiot, have to hang signs all over the place to protect me from liability.....OH i want to move back into the country where I can live quiet and enjoy my pets and nature and not mess with so many people..........sorry I vented on your post.....I just hate to see a pet in danger....You're such a sweetheart, you dont' need this crap!!!!! give Mr. Horse a gentle hug for me....
bud said
Sep 5, 2018
Thanks again Rose it's so comforting that you get this. It's astounding how intensely people justify their actions and behavior despite dangers.
I've blocked the woman and will be reaching out for legal advice today. I'm glad I tried to make amends; but the response was that she further justifies her actions... "Do you understand why I did...?" "You need to stop overreacting..." "You need to respond to my messages, I don't know why you'd tell me that you need to stop communicating what is that!" I did not further waste my time trying to get my points across or change her focus. I said what I had to say, said it nicely, disengaged, and am gone.
She is a lot of noise (among many other things). I need quiet and calm. I need time with my horse alone, undisturbed, and secure that he has the care per the vet's orders. (there... said... now I'm going to breathe)
Getting ready to visit my good boy and will give him an extra hug from you.
Iamhere said
Sep 5, 2018
(((Bud))) - sending positive energy your way for your visit with your horse today. Tons of prayers for a positive outcome, a healthier boy and peace for you, him, mind and heart. Please keep us posted...
2HP said
Sep 7, 2018
Wonderful news!
I replied to your post bc I once didn't fully understand powerlessness either, I had to learn its not about helplessly standing outside a burning house while our loved ones are still inside. This illustrates our disease, yours, mine and countless others in the al-anon fellowship it's a "we" program.... our thinking was twisted by the alcoholic environment that we don't even recognize what is really happening, we don't recognize abuse.
Thank God Al-anon shows us how to "amend" our constitution... even though change is not comfortable. Having to hire an attorney hadn't occurred to me either and I thought it was something I could never do, didn't seem "nice." Mustering up the necessary faith and courage is already the "success" so I am very happy for you.
it is an erroneous belief to say we aren't meant to ruffle feathers on behalf of the Higher Power.
Yea you!
Yea for the people that Higher Power uses to change our character!
God bless you and everyone involved in your story, may everyone play their part well.
Hi Everbody,
I wish I worked a stronger program with a difficult person.
A woman from the barn I befriended insisted on taking care of my rescue cat on weekends when I was away because my professional sitter wasn't available on weekends. When I was several hundred miles away, I received several texts from her for various reasons why she could not come... the weather, she didn't have gas money, etc. I called my neighbor and made arrangements and texted the "friend" I'd pay her to please drop off the key for the neighbor. She responded by text calling me crude names and said she would not give the neighbor my key that they weren't "qualified" to feed my cat. (?)
Hoping to somehow bridge communication, I called her and she said she didn't want to hear anything I had to say but wanted me to listen to her. I felt held hostage and disengaged. I returned home and found my cat taken care of and in good spirits.
A few days later, I was called for a vet emergency for my horse. It was critical (but he's more comfortable at the moment).
You know what's coming... right?!?
The barn manager and everyone else has had problems with the same women. She tends to see things from her limited perspective and has a need to be right. Any hint of disagreement is perceived as a personal attack and the initiation of a fight. I was told while I was gone she fed my horse treats and used so much fly spray on him that he developed large sores on his body. (and I wish that were the worst of his problems) The vet instructed my horse to not have treats and it may mean the difference of his ability to recover or my having to euthanize.
Since the woman is firmly rooted that she knows better and is "right"; I didn't have the energy to try and weather a conversation with her.
I told the barn manager that it was her responsibility to let everyone know the vet orders and that no one had my permission to not abide by them.
Well, in doing so, it seems the barn manager may have infused things that were bothering her as well when she spoke to the woman. So the end result may have been more than the original intention. Now the woman continues to send me nasty texts, accused me of lying and feels attacked.
Had I handled this myself with the woman, it wouldn't have likely gotten so misconstrued. I feel badly. This is my part.
Oh my, this is so much drama... the very thing I was trying so hard to avoid...
No one here is a bad person; just a bunch of strong personalities that can easily clash and quickly escalates bad feelings.
I'm afraid to call the woman to say what happened because the last time I tried she said she wouldn't listen to me. Give it space and look for a better time to try?
I feel guilty and don't feel good about myself... I know guilt isn't a part of Alanon....need to build a stronger program... ES&H appreciated.
My ESH when dealing with difficult people who interrupt and struggle to hear me or even listen is to put my thoughts in writing. I usually will write it all out, and then hold in drafts until the next morning. I will re-read and perhaps run it by my sponsor if I have any doubts and then I will let it go.
You have every right to share that the 'care' provided was inadequate, costly and possibly deadly. I have friends who have horses, and they are not low cost animals. To my friends, their horses are as important as my dog is to me - and this would be a devastating blow.
I think we forget our own growth and personal rights when we are dealing with 'these types' of people. For me, putting in in writing without distractions, interruptions, justifications, and other just gives me the peace of mind to say what I mean, mean what I say and be direct if necessary. If you feel necessary, by all means you can add any amends necessary - yet the facts are that you're paying the price for care that was not 'up to snuff' - so I read.
I readily admit evening is not prime thinking time for me, so if I misunderstood your share....I am an animal advocate and I get frustrated when well-intended people harm animals - accident or not.
BTW - you work a great program! Keep coming back!
The women made potentially costly assumptions regarding my horse and could not be told otherwise. She has a big heart that became misguided. She's on a mission to make sure all animals have food and treats... even against a vet's advice... she seems stuck thinking that animals will suffer horribly if they don't receive food and treats from her.
Frustrating on so many levels.
She comes to the barn to ride someone else's horse, she doesn't even board there anymore. I will never know if she fed my horse something that caused the emergency. I have to live with this along with the massive vet bills and that he still may not make it. There's also no way for me to be sure she doesn't continue to feed him. The barn manager thought she doused him with so much fly spray that caused chemical burns. (and I use an all-natural fly spray) He's not stable to move to another barn.
He's an old gentleman and we've been together for years... yes, it's a close family bond like a beloved dog.
I normally am better equipped for the barn drama but do not have the reserves right now. Funny how I presumed she could empathize as she lost her horse 8 months ago... but, it seems she has no reserves for empathy.
I love the idea of writing it out and sleeping on it for at least a night or two. Perfect. I also love not having to justify myself... I think this was where I started getting stuck in my own head... meh!
Thank you again! Blessed to keep coming back
Thank you Betty! More great ES&H - I know I'm also under duress with many sleepless nights and back and forth trying to see how comfortable I can make my horse... constant evaluation if keeping him going is affording him a quality of life. He's over 36 years old he and I have done well.
I know this woman is still grieving the loss of her beloved horse and do not expect she would be in a position to be supportive. Her horse also had cushion's disease as does mine. She opted to handle her horses' care differently and felt it important for him to have treats daily against the advise of her vet. When her horse's intestines twisted, his age made surgery a poor option, so he had to be euthanized to end the unresolvable suffering.
Yet, I cannot allow her to bully me or my horse because of her need to take action for her distorted justifications. When I initially returned home, she contacted me to "clear the air", where she told me that during the hot days, she removed the fan cooling my horse because she said it interfered with the birds ability to fly out of their nest.
The birds were way up in the rafters and the young ones grew too big for the nest sadly, from the lack of room, one got knocked out of the nest... it had nothing to do with the fan. The bird was put back into a neighboring nest in hopes that it would make it ok and it did. In my heart of hearts, I do not believe the fan blew the birds out of their nest. I had visions of my horse melting in his stall (he was too weak to stand/ walk) because she removed his fan. The purpose of her call was to inform me that I'm not to use a fan on my horse because of it's alleged effects on the birds... apparently my horse's needs were not included in her sentimental scope.
... previously I had been able to hold conversations with this woman, laugh together, support each other...
Thanks for listening and that I'm not alone... more to write and pray as I work through this.... I'm grateful.
-- Edited by bud on Sunday 2nd of September 2018 08:56:01 AM
I would not be a happy camper should someone take it upon themselves to manage my pets care the way they think it should be done. I believe going to the manager about processes at the barn was correct action and if the manager included other issues then that is nothing to do with you. As for your neighbour not being qualified to feed your cat , I didn't know that feeding a cat was all that difficult lol. Frankly, the woman sounds a little over the top. Nasty texts and such can be blocked, and detaching from any further drama with her. Perhaps the manager of the barn may have to enforce further restrictions on this woman should she not be able to manage herself appropriately while on the premises. After all this is a business and you are a paying customer.
I hope your horse pulls through this. Blessings to you.
Venting:
I'm so upset and it seems that my horse gets worse after each time the woman visits, but I can't prove anything. It's been a few weeks of his fragility already and I was told this was his last chance to try and recover. I have felt overwhelmed and then feel like I've been kicked when I'm down because this woman is so involved with herself and the barn manager is too slow to implement a consequence.
The woman responds to the barn manager's request by saying she thinks the barn manager is crazy. Then I get more nasty texts. The barn manager states if the woman continues to go near my horse, she'll be asked to leave. Really, now... no one will be around to know and she hasn't stopped the first several times she was asked. The barn manager said her Mom will keep an eye on the barn... this is the Mom that earlier told her daughter, the barn manager, that she and I need more compassion for the woman in question and to turn the other cheek!
I now have to call the vet out again and more X-rays will be needed. I'm so aggravated because I'm paying a lot of money for his board, the vets, etc and this woman is allowed to come and she does what she wants.
Vent over. My stomach has been in knots for days.
Thanks serenity47 - good validation and appreciated. This woman has made everything difficult and she gets to go home and sleep at night after morphing her recklessness and irresponsibility as something I do to harm her. In one of her texts: "She would appreciate if I did not tell lies about her to the barn manager." Well, I didn't lie and even if I did, it does not give her a right to infringe on someone else's property.
I feel like sending her a message that says " the barn manager was told by the vet to give everyone the same instruction, unclear why you continue to take issue and sent me such a message; but one thing is clear, if you give him treats, you would be killing him and his last chance to recover. I could not imagine anything more cruel."
((((((((((((((((Bud)))))))))))))))))))) I go with Serenity47 on this one...I would not , either, be a happy camper at all if ANYone tampers with my pets......NOBODY hurts my pets....too bad you can't sneak up there unnoticed and CATCH this nut case doing something.....and I agree, going to mgr of the barn was the right thing to do....too bad you can't move him to a safer place.....i used to stable my horses and so I know how ya feel....you can't be there to watch your beloved pet 24/7 so you trust in barn mgrs. or stable mgrs. to watch over things...luckily for me, I had good a good mgr who was totally in love with horses and treated them ALL with gr8 care...can't even imagine how you feel...I would block her texts....and I would put it in writing what is acceptable and what is not to the mgr. and in WRITING and have her sign a copy that she understands your requirements as you are a paying customer and NO treats for your horse...My sister had a very allergic gelding who was so bad if you gave him anything he would nearly get pneumonia his allergies would get so bad...so we put signs up all over his stall...NO TREATS and we made sure stable personnel SAW the posts and acknowledged "NO TREATS for Tag, hes allergic, severe allergies" it seemed to work, but one time a young kid gave him something and poor sis had to pay a vet bill to get him over his severe reaction...terrible mucous in his nose, throat, etc.....his sinuses , if not noticed right away, would get all inflamed.....poor baby!!! She ended up giving him away to this rich couple who could afford to get him better treatment for his allergies.........I am SO sorry, and I am sending your equine baby healing hugs.........
Thank you el-cee - I'm not sure how to get someone to look after the horse? I go daily but can't be there 24/7 - the barn is an hour away. I'm stuck with the barn manager. I'm also stuck with the woman who comes to the barn and does what she wants, regardless of being asked to stop... she does not have permission to take care of my animals. She is not someone who is hired to take care of the animals. She just shows up and does what she imagines is good for the horses. It is the barn manager's responsibility to stop her, but I worry the barn manager does not have this under control. I'm feeling powerless that this woman is harming my horse... maybe killing him... and I can't stop her; I am seeking for medical care to be enforced. I'm confused at your suggestion that I'm seeking approval and am concerned about other people's feelings... I am not aware of that being my focus, but am open to self-examine if you could kindly guide me to what you're seeing.
I often get my lightbulb moment (what I learn about myself) when I turn my statements of resentment around.
Example, you write about your anger that she didnt listen to you..
Is it true (or perhaps MORE true) that you are really angry at yourself for YOU not listening to you? repeatedly, you mention she did not listen yet you still employ her ( if I understand correctly..?) and nothing changes, you remain powerless in a hopeless situation.
Having been affected by alcoholism, I too stay in harmful relationships hoping that the relationship will change or improve. I have a very high tolerance for abusive relationships (old conditioning.) .. believing this is as good as it gets. I always have to examine my beliefs.
I also had the thought that the barn manager must carry her own resentment with the woman and you gave her the opportunity to address her anger. while it is certainly best for me when I communicate directly with people and not "triangulate," you are only responsible for your part and you can still amend this (a change HP wants in YOU.) I personally hate confrontation. but it has resulted in harming myself and then depression sets in because I couldn't or wouldn't take care of myself, lol
what would your horse say to her? what would your horse say to you? (((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 3rd of September 2018 08:51:34 AM
After the cat incident, I disengaged from her taking care of my cat.
She never was hired to look after my horse.
I am not holding on to my relationship with this woman.
She interferes with my horses' care because this is the type of person she is. I have triangulated because she does not listen to my requests to stop.
You are right, I do feel guilty that I have triangulated. I can send her a message directly, as I have, knowing she'll respond with verbal assaults (as she has) but won't stop doing things that harm my horse.
It took COURAGE I didn't even know I had. had I not acted on this option (which may or may not be yours) I would still be a victim today. I was powerless to make it happen on my own. but not helpless.
I could do something about my guilt in spite of my fear.
I sent the woman a text that stated the vet instructions and the barn manager's job to enforce the instructions, my horse is fragile and worsening, that treats will further worsen his condition. I thanked her for understanding and appreciate her not wanting me to worry and wished her a happy holiday.
Now I don't feel guilty and am grateful that I don't need to be weighed down by that along with my other emotions.
I realize that alleviating my guilt was the only thing at the moment within my power to control.
I am so sorry to hear about your beloved horse! Praying for a recovery for him!
Big hugs to you and your horse .. I imagine that the idea of loosing him is extremely stressful as well.
S :)
See what your rights are as this situation is bigger than program only. You've tried to deal with it calmly and patiently. If it's not working, bring in the big guns. Recovery has also taught me that that serenity prayer includes involving others who can enforce laws/rules if I can't. Change the things we can....
She was disturbed to hear that the barn manager allowed this woman access to other peoples' horses. She suggests that's a huge no-no here unless there is a release from the horse owner. I feel so bad for you and your horse - living with pain sucks and for animals, it's almost worse as they can't tell us where it hurts always....sending tons of thoughts and prayers.
Bud, this is great advice...I wanted to ask some of my pals, but they ALL have their pets on their property......Glad someone on here was able to help you get some "what can I do about this" clarity......
sending you and mr. Horse love and healing energy.....
I'm so sorry to hear about your horse. Our animals can be like family to us and bring us joy and serenity. It difficult to think of life without them. It difficult to be responsible for decisions concerning their health and well being particularly as they age. We want to do what's right. We love them and want to give them the best because in our hearts we feel that's what they gave us.
When I was faced with end of life of my dog, I felt angry and frightened. I didn't want to make any wrong decisions concerning him that would cause him further discomfort, pain or hasten the dying process. And to be honest, I couldn't imagine not having my dog in my life because my dog had been present through so many joyful and sorrowful events of my life. You have your horse so many more years and perhaps below the surface are feeling grief at the prospect of losing this creature that has been there through so much of your life.
What has happened has happened with this "treat woman." Give yourself credit for being in a place of acceptance about it and looking for solutions. You've been given some suggetions. You no doubt have some ideas of your own as well concerning how you would like to proceed. There are so many factors beyond obvious right/wrong when it comes to these kinds of decisions and their impact on our day to day life. If life is already unmanageable, fighting another fight can feel absolutely overwhelming. And just like when living with a drinking alcoholic, we can't offer much to anyone else if we aren't remembering to care for ourselves first and foremost. At such times, I've literally said out loud, "hp, please help me." There's a calmness that happens within me when I speak those words out loud and release the burden of trying to find the "right" answer.
Along with other suggestions you've received, there are animal rescue and animal advocacy, animal rights organizations to call. It might be cathartic to talk it out with people who devote their life to helping animals and you might receive some very good advice concerning what you can do. If an organization is local, there might be someone who is willing and able to check on your horse. Maybe one of the volunteers with such an organization. Who knows, but connecting may bring unimagined answers. We can only take whatever seems to be the next right action and then let go.
Please know that you and your horse are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((bud))))) TT
Many thanks for your welcomed prayers PosesNPuppies!
el-cee - thank you for the clarification. I agree that more often than not fear stops me. In this case, I laid the boundary of my own horse and was called names. Then the fear became she wouldn't stop no matter what and there was nothing I could do... only, coming here, I realize that was panic speaking and there are things I can do.
The barn manager and the woman are antagonizing each other at my horse's expense. The woman got angry when I detached after the name calling and upped the ante for more and more attention.
Thank you SerenityRUS, you are correct, the woman does not and will likely not see how horrible her behavior is and affects others miserably. It's all about her and if I understand where she is coming from. Her thoughts are unattached to her actions as she ignores self-responsibility.
I so dislike a manipulative bully!
Iamhere and Rose - it's so deeply disturbing that the barn manager took the wait and see stance. Waiting until the woman comes to her senses?! The barn manager told me that her Mom told her to have compassion for the woman. I let her know that she can have compassion and see to it that my horse is unharmed under her paid care.
I will seek legal advice as the woman and barn manager continue their path. I have never seen anything like this at any of the barns I've been at. I'm knotted up that I have to deal with this on top of his condition.
Thanks TT - I am overwhelmed and do not have the energy for everything - I tried to remove undue stress and at the time it seemed logical that I should not have to worry about my horses safety when I pay for his safety and care. Ha - had to laugh at "treat woman" ... she's a real treat, alright ! Will graciously practice prayer and am grateful for the reminder. Also, I'll ask around if there are additional resources.
This ordeal has me thinking about a topic that has been niggling at me for while, will post under another topic.
Many thanks again, dear family. Having your support makes an enormous difference and helps me move forward!!!
I sense the barn manager has taken a self-serving stance and cannot be relied on for the truth. I'll find out my legal options, but I think the most that can be done is to ask, but not force, her to sign a contract stating that she will not allow anyone who comes to her property to handle or feed my horse.
Thank you again for your understanding and prayers.
I have found that so many adult children of alcoholics and/or those of us who have an alcoholic in our lives believe that we are in some way responsible or someone elses reaction and actions. For me, I did my best to bring only good news to my parents because bad news lead to alcoholics arguments. I believed at some level that what I said, did, didnt do, etc., could cause the upset that led the adult to drinking. Follow my logic?
This Woman is endangering your beloved horse. The manager is avoiding confrontation. Bud, you and the manager are worrying about the womans reaction, of which you have no control over. It is ok if she gets upset. People get upset all the time. What you can control is your communications and actions.
It is ok to expect the manager to be held accountable for their job of which you are paying them to do. It is perfectly ok to set boundaries for any other customer, visitor and employee of said barn in dealing with your horse. There should be consequences if they dont honor those boundaries. But boundaries must be communicated very clearly.
I guess I want you to know it is ok if someone gets upset. As long as you communicate both respectfully and clearly.
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Tuesday 4th of September 2018 09:54:40 PM
-- Edited by Kcsnooze on Tuesday 4th of September 2018 09:55:59 PM
I've blocked the woman and will be reaching out for legal advice today. I'm glad I tried to make amends; but the response was that she further justifies her actions... "Do you understand why I did...?" "You need to stop overreacting..." "You need to respond to my messages, I don't know why you'd tell me that you need to stop communicating what is that!" I did not further waste my time trying to get my points across or change her focus. I said what I had to say, said it nicely, disengaged, and am gone.
She is a lot of noise (among many other things). I need quiet and calm. I need time with my horse alone, undisturbed, and secure that he has the care per the vet's orders. (there... said... now I'm going to breathe)
Getting ready to visit my good boy and will give him an extra hug from you.
I replied to your post bc I once didn't fully understand powerlessness either, I had to learn its not about helplessly standing outside a burning house while our loved ones are still inside. This illustrates our disease, yours, mine and countless others in the al-anon fellowship it's a "we" program.... our thinking was twisted by the alcoholic environment that we don't even recognize what is really happening, we don't recognize abuse.
Thank God Al-anon shows us how to "amend" our constitution... even though change is not comfortable. Having to hire an attorney hadn't occurred to me either and I thought it was something I could never do, didn't seem "nice." Mustering up the necessary faith and courage is already the "success" so I am very happy for you.
it is an erroneous belief to say we aren't meant to ruffle feathers on behalf of the Higher Power.
Yea you!
Yea for the people that Higher Power uses to change our character!
God bless you and everyone involved in your story, may everyone play their part well.