It is 4am here. My AH has been bingeing. I'm awake because he was talking loudly downstairs and woke me up. I can hear him bitching about me to his mother on the phone. He thinks I'm playing mind games. Rationally, I know I shouldn't feel hurt by anything he says when he's drunk, but this does upset me.
His mum was so nasty to me a few weeks ago, and ah has never explained why. Clearly there is a third person in the marriage- his mother.
I think he thinks I'm playing mind games because I can hardly speak to him. Even when sober. I accept I can't change him, but I feel like I'm grieving our marriage and waiting for the right time to go. I ache constantly.
I can't tell whether I'm detaching or grieving. I'm definitely not feeling much love though.
I feel as though I've missed something that al anon teaches for coping with this.
Mattie said
Aug 31, 2018
He knows something's up, and because manipulation is his thing, he assumes that everyone else uses manipulation too. Therefore that must be what you're doing.
And isn't it just like an alcoholic to be full of blame? No asking himself "What's my part in it?" No saying to himself, "Something's going on with her, and I hope she finds her way soon, because she seems unhappy." Instead it's all griping and blaming.
Sometimes they make it easy for us to leave, don't they?
A nother said
Aug 31, 2018
Thanks Mattie. Yes, I suppose you are right.
His drinking has got so much worse recently. It's like he won't give me a night off from the anxiety I (still) feel when he's drunk.
I really want peace. But to be honest, I'm finding the tools Al anon have given me so far have only helped me so much. I am so grateful for the alternative reactions which diffuse confrontations, and the slogans which I chant to myself a lot. But at the same time, living with someone like him is so hard. I almost feel like I would benefit more from Al anon if I had more distance from him.
A nother said
Aug 31, 2018
He is talking to himself. He just came into my room (I'm sleeping in my son's room now) and mumbled something. Then , before I could react was accusing me of telling him to eff off. It's like there is a voice in his head.
I feel fear at times like these. I'm hoping my HP will keep me safe tonight. I'm not reacting, just staying in bed pretending to be sleepy. At least I'm not questioning whether there is a drink problem or whether I'm over controlling any more!
Sorry to dump this here. There is literally no one else for me to turn to, and I feel like I need to be heard.
JerryF said
Sep 1, 2018
A nother this was lesson time for me...time to learn different thoughts and behaviors which stopped my reactions and taught me responses. I went to meetings, lots of them and I asked questions lots of them about what the fellowship knew and did under the same conditions and then I learned to practice what it was I had not learned to do in the past. The fellowship for me was hugely experienced and they all gave me their ESH wanting to know how it worked out for me too. We did meetings after the meetings in coffee shops and diners and it saved my sanity and life.
This is a "We" program that we work daily one step at a time and always with our HP at hand. I learned from my alcoholic/addict also by listening to her body language and often "how" she said what she said and not so much what'
I learned to reach out to social and public services, police and medial field and one day at a time it all came around.
Keep coming back sister with the courage to change the things you can. Get a sponsor. They are gold. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Sep 1, 2018
(((A Nother))) - I am sorry that you are affected by the disease as you are! I love what Hidden has shared and it reminds me also of the plans I also made early in recovery with the help of others. I can say her summary is spot on, and the only add I have is when I reached out to program people feeling as if I was stuck, isolated, overwhelmed, lacking sleep, etc. they reminded me often and gently that this too shall pass. They did not mean all would be great but they did mean that I would get to the next day or at least to the point where my A would pass out/sleep.
My experience is also that when I put healthy boundaries in place and kept consistently practicing detaching - with love or indifference - things got better. Often, it got a bit worse as Mattie points out first, and then I saw improvements. In my home, consistency was critical because if I let my guard down and was flexible or indifferent, my A(s) saw a 'way in' to continue unacceptable behavior.
I hope you wake this morning and know you are not alone and that you are working it and are worth it! (((Hugs)))
tiredtonite said
Sep 1, 2018
A nother,
You are growing in the program. For many of us when we were newcomers that mean't beginning to assert boundaries we had never put in place before. You may be feeling things inside but it sounds like you are not outwardly reacting to his alcoholism. I can only speak from personal experience so please take what you like and leave the rest. When I began to show a little recovery, my exah began to display the kind of behavior you describe in your post with his mother. Because he could no longer get the same emotional mileage out of me and I refused to enable his disease any longer, he needed a new crutch, a new ally and enabler. His mother was there to fill the role, use me and use me as a scapegoat as her son told her tall tales to gain pity, money etc. Many many of us in Alanon have this story. Sometimes it's mother, sometimes it's a new romantic partner instead of the spouse, sometimes an instant friend (another substance abuser). Your husband is playing the victim it seems. You've no doubt told him many times I'm sure that his drinking upsets you and you want him to quit. If that's the case, you can trust that he knows you're disgusted, disappointed and detaching because of it. Mom is plan B if she is willing to participate.
When I experienced this with my exah and his mother, I felt terribly alone and betrayed by my husband. Of course, I didn't have much program at the time and really didn't understand much about active alcoholism. Living with it and understanding the manipulation that goes hand in hand with it are two very different things.
You can trust that your higher power is loving you through all of this especially the painful parts of it. Your are working the Alanon program in my humble opinion. We have the 3 A's in Alanon - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Could you be in this process concerning your marriage? Feelings of grieving for me were part of my acceptance. This only came after a lot of soul searching, second guessing my feelings, denial and fear had been worked through with the god of my understanding. It was only at that emotional footwork that I was able to take actions reflective of self love.
You sound like you are right in the middle of the process of learning to love and care for yourself first. That can sometimes bring feelings of guilt or sadness as if we have to leave someone else behind in order to do it. Someone active in their disease may say you are being selfish, uncaring, don't love them. But if you know your truth and keep going forward with healthy boundaries, it's possible to love an alcoholic without loving them to death (enabling). I hope you'll keep taking care of you and continue to seek love and support from your higher power, those of us here, meeting members and your sponsor. You're not alone and you are recovering one day at a time. (((hugs)))) TT
Lyne said
Sep 1, 2018
A nother-I think you are detaching and grieving. I did both with my A. We are still together although I do think things through again and again. I learned to detach with love, and boy was that a lot of work. Progress not perfection meaning I cannot do it perfectly well all of the time. I'm dealing with a dry drunk. And I definately grieved the marriage I had briefly, and wanted, and now we have a very different kind of marriage. Many people stay, and many people leave, and it is your decision to make over time. When I started Alanon I was in an anxious frenzy to decide what to do. Now I just take it ODAT, Lyne
It is 4am here. My AH has been bingeing. I'm awake because he was talking loudly downstairs and woke me up. I can hear him bitching about me to his mother on the phone. He thinks I'm playing mind games. Rationally, I know I shouldn't feel hurt by anything he says when he's drunk, but this does upset me.
His mum was so nasty to me a few weeks ago, and ah has never explained why. Clearly there is a third person in the marriage- his mother.
I think he thinks I'm playing mind games because I can hardly speak to him. Even when sober. I accept I can't change him, but I feel like I'm grieving our marriage and waiting for the right time to go. I ache constantly.
I can't tell whether I'm detaching or grieving. I'm definitely not feeling much love though.
I feel as though I've missed something that al anon teaches for coping with this.
He knows something's up, and because manipulation is his thing, he assumes that everyone else uses manipulation too. Therefore that must be what you're doing.
And isn't it just like an alcoholic to be full of blame? No asking himself "What's my part in it?" No saying to himself, "Something's going on with her, and I hope she finds her way soon, because she seems unhappy." Instead it's all griping and blaming.
Sometimes they make it easy for us to leave, don't they?
His drinking has got so much worse recently. It's like he won't give me a night off from the anxiety I (still) feel when he's drunk.
I really want peace. But to be honest, I'm finding the tools Al anon have given me so far have only helped me so much. I am so grateful for the alternative reactions which diffuse confrontations, and the slogans which I chant to myself a lot. But at the same time, living with someone like him is so hard. I almost feel like I would benefit more from Al anon if I had more distance from him.
I feel fear at times like these. I'm hoping my HP will keep me safe tonight. I'm not reacting, just staying in bed pretending to be sleepy. At least I'm not questioning whether there is a drink problem or whether I'm over controlling any more!
Sorry to dump this here. There is literally no one else for me to turn to, and I feel like I need to be heard.
A nother this was lesson time for me...time to learn different thoughts and behaviors which stopped my reactions and taught me responses. I went to meetings, lots of them and I asked questions lots of them about what the fellowship knew and did under the same conditions and then I learned to practice what it was I had not learned to do in the past. The fellowship for me was hugely experienced and they all gave me their ESH wanting to know how it worked out for me too. We did meetings after the meetings in coffee shops and diners and it saved my sanity and life.
This is a "We" program that we work daily one step at a time and always with our HP at hand. I learned from my alcoholic/addict also by listening to her body language and often "how" she said what she said and not so much what'
I learned to reach out to social and public services, police and medial field and one day at a time it all came around.
Keep coming back sister with the courage to change the things you can. Get a sponsor. They are gold. ((((Hugs))))
My experience is also that when I put healthy boundaries in place and kept consistently practicing detaching - with love or indifference - things got better. Often, it got a bit worse as Mattie points out first, and then I saw improvements. In my home, consistency was critical because if I let my guard down and was flexible or indifferent, my A(s) saw a 'way in' to continue unacceptable behavior.
I hope you wake this morning and know you are not alone and that you are working it and are worth it! (((Hugs)))
A nother,
You are growing in the program. For many of us when we were newcomers that mean't beginning to assert boundaries we had never put in place before. You may be feeling things inside but it sounds like you are not outwardly reacting to his alcoholism. I can only speak from personal experience so please take what you like and leave the rest. When I began to show a little recovery, my exah began to display the kind of behavior you describe in your post with his mother. Because he could no longer get the same emotional mileage out of me and I refused to enable his disease any longer, he needed a new crutch, a new ally and enabler. His mother was there to fill the role, use me and use me as a scapegoat as her son told her tall tales to gain pity, money etc. Many many of us in Alanon have this story. Sometimes it's mother, sometimes it's a new romantic partner instead of the spouse, sometimes an instant friend (another substance abuser). Your husband is playing the victim it seems. You've no doubt told him many times I'm sure that his drinking upsets you and you want him to quit. If that's the case, you can trust that he knows you're disgusted, disappointed and detaching because of it. Mom is plan B if she is willing to participate.
When I experienced this with my exah and his mother, I felt terribly alone and betrayed by my husband. Of course, I didn't have much program at the time and really didn't understand much about active alcoholism. Living with it and understanding the manipulation that goes hand in hand with it are two very different things.
You can trust that your higher power is loving you through all of this especially the painful parts of it. Your are working the Alanon program in my humble opinion. We have the 3 A's in Alanon - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Could you be in this process concerning your marriage? Feelings of grieving for me were part of my acceptance. This only came after a lot of soul searching, second guessing my feelings, denial and fear had been worked through with the god of my understanding. It was only at that emotional footwork that I was able to take actions reflective of self love.
You sound like you are right in the middle of the process of learning to love and care for yourself first. That can sometimes bring feelings of guilt or sadness as if we have to leave someone else behind in order to do it. Someone active in their disease may say you are being selfish, uncaring, don't love them. But if you know your truth and keep going forward with healthy boundaries, it's possible to love an alcoholic without loving them to death (enabling). I hope you'll keep taking care of you and continue to seek love and support from your higher power, those of us here, meeting members and your sponsor. You're not alone and you are recovering one day at a time. (((hugs)))) TT