Hi everybody, it's been way too long since I've been active on here, or anywhere really. Two months ago, I had a really nasty fall at home which caused my left leg/ankle to be broken in 2 places, and my right foot was fractured as well. I was confined to bed rest, only getting up for the restroom or to go to appointments. Living with an active AH meant of course that I was gravely inconveniencing him by asking for coffee, water or when he felt pressured to bring me something to eat once a day. He would drink and come into my room so he could tell me how lazy and demanding I was and that if he were me, he'd be up taking care of things. Of course he works maybe 8 hours a week, and I was still paying all the rent, bills and part of the groceries using my sick/vacation leave. The backstory on this saga is that he is waiting for his inheritance to process and part of it is a property that is paid for. Depending on the settlement of the estate, some money may also be his after all is said and done. Anyway, what prompts an alcoholic to drink--a good day, bad day, sunny or overcast, pretty much any and everything, right? Everything he earns goes right back into his addictions, there's no provisions for the utilities, rent or groceries of course. At first, I planned to have the AH move on his own as his hometown is halfway across the country, but after my surgery last year, I had a change of heart. Then the fall and injuries I sustained 2 months ago gave me time to consider my options as well. My career here is dead in the water and there are some other personal issues that have me fairly convinced that moving with the AH could possibly benefit me being that I wouldn't have to give all of my earnings for rent/bills. The worrisome part is that the AH has definitely ramped up his drinking to where he has been on a binge for the past several months and the past 3 weeks or so have been especially bad. Even though I try to remember that he's not in his right mind it has caused a lot of emotional fallout. Last month I found a recovery app that incorporates the 12 steps for Al-Anon but most days I've been bedridden and the perfect audience for his drama.
In my head, I am convinced that moving with AH back to his hometown is a financially sound choice. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. One of the subjects that AH loves to pontificate upon is that as an heir, he will have work and business ventures to keep himself busy and feeling productive, thus he will feel better about himself and be a better person. Even though that very well could be true, I worry it will just give him a really long time to keep abusing alcohol. One thing that could be a blessing for me is the fact that his property is in an area with a lot of AA/Al-Anon meetings so I'll finally be able to attend F2F meetings. I do love my AH very much but after so many years and years of being the primary everything, my nerves and finances are Swiss cheese. This past year after my surgery, dealing with his drama and wreckage of living has my depression and anxiety off the charts.
I know that it works if you work it, so I'll keep coming back. Any ESH or thoughts will be very much appreciated. Thank you.
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Saturday 25th of August 2018 01:23:28 AM
milkwood said
Aug 25, 2018
Hello Paloma Negra, some elements of what you describe resonate for me. This is a personal reply, talking about what worked for me, it may not all relate for you. First of all though I just want to say that I am sorry about your leg and I hope that despite all that you've had to deal with it is now healing as you wish. You've had a lot to deal with and from being very active to having to rely on another person's help isn't easy at the best of times. Be gentle with yourself.
What resonates for me about your post is your feeling that you have a decision to make and that balance between finances and emotional well-being. I too love my AH despite a sneaking awareness that a relationship with him isn't quite what I originally had in mind. I too have been the primary earner.
One of the many things that I value about my Al Anon journey is a growing awareness that my own well-being is in my own hands. That quote about living well regardless of what others are doing around me was one I pondered for a long time and I decided to explore ways that I could make that happen in my own life. I remembered myself as a laughing, confident, resourceful person and I wondered where 'I' had gone.
I've worked hard all my life and as a result we were lucky enough to move to a nice place where we didn't have to work. I stopped working and that was a big life/identiy change for me and it took me time to adjust. For a while there was a space in my life that I filled by paying way too much attention to my husband, what he was doing/not doing and trying to resolve the problems that alcoholic behaviour brought into our lives. My goodness that was a full-time job on it's own!!! When I wasn't dealing with a crisis I was anticipating what would happen next and how I could smooth the waters. None of this made a difference or made me feel good by the way!! I kept waiting for the calm times to arrive so that I could think about 'what next' more positively - like that was going to happen??!!!!
After reading in Al Anon that I should keep my attention on my self (for the umpteenth thousandth time) I started to experiment with what that might mean. I wasn't happy. What could I do about that? I placed my emotional well-being above finances so if I followed through on that then I could leave my husband... and loose my home... Really?? Did I really need to throw everything away in order to get the peace I needed?
So what alternatives did I have.... I thought about what would I be doing if I was on my own and all was well in my world? What would that look like? Was there any part of my happiness and wellbeing that didn't have to rely on my husband? I discovered that there were a lot of the things that made me happy or feel content and none of them relied on my husband! I noted the three best things of the day every evening so I built up a store of the simply things in life that felt good for me. I set about exploring what my answers might be, again for me, and started to learn by trying out small things at first - little baby steps - and then started following the paths that felt right, ie felt calm or exciting in a good way.
I figured that I needed 'an occupation'. I took gentle steps. And then I took slightly bolder ones. Sometimes I felt anxious about what I was doing but it rarely led to mistakes. My judgement turned out to be better than I thought!!! My confidence started to grow. My depression started to fade. I remember waking up one morning with a smile on my face - gosh that felt wonderful! I had grown used to waking up with tears in my eyes or a storm raging between my ears. It felt like something was working in my life and I guess that was me.
Not attending other people's crisis or dwelling too long on their words has freed up so much time in my life. It sort of turned out that I had my own adjustments to make and that when I turned my resourcefulness on myself, all sorts of lovely things started to happen.
I know in the back of my mind that any decisions I make don't have to be fixed in stone by the way. Over the past five years I've taken time away to gently recover and listen to myself. I've taken time away to learn new skills. And I've also returned home and lived alongside my husband as well. It is as if I've rediscovered that everything is on a sliding scale and that I don't have to sit at one end or the other but can find my own pace and explore and experiment in ways that are right for me, for now.
Does any of this even make sense?!!
Thank you for the opportunity to share how I feel about my journey. I hear you looking at your own situation with open eyes and I hear your recognition of how you are feeling as well. (On a practical level my anxiety was helped by meditation by the way and I've learnt to sometimes welcome my anxiety as a tool that tells me to change something even though, at it's most out of control, I found it disabling and debilitating and I thought I was going mad). Keep listening to yourself and what thoughts feel calmer for you....
Sending (((((hugs)))))
Iamhere said
Aug 25, 2018
Hey Paloma - good to see you again and I too am so sorry for your fall, break and 'stuck-ness'....I am so hopeful that your road to recovery is progressing fast - sending you tons of thoughts and prayers!
I too can relate to your share. Before Al-Anon, I seriously thought the only way I could find peace was to depart from my marriage. As I began working the program, and accepted the disease concept, my sponsor kept asking me to focus on what was good and working in my life, my home, my family.
It took me a long time to 'see' that I did contribute to the chaos and when I minded my own business, things were more tolerable. As I kept working on me, and staying on my side of the street, I saw more and more calm and peace. As my decision-making mind cleared a bit, I too considered the financial vs. the emotional and more as we had children.
In my situation, as I got more sane and less crazy, I came to realize that a decision to stay/go wasn't my only choice and I also had the right/power to change my mind any time I needed to. Believing in a HP that doesn't do anything by mistake helped me see that I truly could grow where planted so long as I continued to focus on me and my own recovery.
My journey is not complete and will be a life-time experience. I am grateful each day to lean into this spiritual program and start fresh. I don't have to do anything, just for today, beyond staying in the present and do the next right thing.
I too am sending (((hugs))) - keep coming back!
Bo said
Aug 25, 2018
I will preface my thoughts and my experience with this...the human mind, the thought process that comes from it...is a very powerful thing. It is unlike any "machine" that the world knows. The human mind and the thought process is one of adoption -- meaning -- pre-empted, ask yourself why you should do something, you can come up with 20 valid answers and reasons why. Yet, ask yourself why you shouldn't do something, and you can come up with 20 valid answers and reasons why. The human mind will answer any question we want it to, and will answer it the way we want it to if we have a way we want.
That said, my experience with similar situations, albeit different specifics -- these things for me are -- nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't let factors cloud that, or my judgement. I don't let the tail wag the dog. If I focus on me -- what is best for me, healthiest for me, what the next right thing in front of me is, for me...then "truth" will present itself. I don't mean the truth -- I mean truth -- truth is what is the next right thing for me. This entire program, the entire reason people come here is to get better. To get healthy. Nothing changes if nothing changes prevents me from being in the same situation, perhaps worse, 3 months from now. Or 6. Or one year from now. I've had to weigh the financial vs. emotional/health/well-being thing. Numerous times. I can only share my thoughts then, my decision, my experience, and my thoughts now. Then, I thought making the financially safe/sound decision was wise. Was safe. Was OK. Was best for that moment. In hindsight. It never once was. My thought process at the time was distorted. My thinking was distorted. How could I made a good decision. I couldn't. But I would have convinced you at the time I was. Today I know better. When I let something other than my emotional, health, well-being come even second, to financial, popular, easy, or whatever decision...it never ended up well. Now, that's just me.
However, I found when I made the decision to put my emotional well-being first...I may not have had all that I wanted...but I did always get and ended up with all that I needed. I don't focus on the side of the coin that tells me all the things I want and don't have. I focus on the side that shows me all the things I need...and that I have them. My mental well-being put first -- funny thing -- then I was able to get better, perform better, work better, and do better financially! Hmmmmm, forgetting about finances, and focusing on my well-being, allowed me to then achieve success in finances. Interesting.
I have always believed that God, the world, karma, whatever you want to call it, actually works...it works in that things, incidents, whatever it may be...all of that is put in front of us for a reason. It could be character building, overcoming fear, learning, whatever. But, it is there for a reason. It is up to me to take that, for all it is, and do what I need to do for me. My mantra is "Run toward the roar!" Don't fear the lion. Run toward him. Face him. Living begins when we face fear and conquer it. Living begins when we do something uncomfortable. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Aloha said
Aug 27, 2018
I've been doing a lot of work lately around trusting God as my source. Jobs, bank accounts, family members, etc. are just channels to his infinite supply and there are infinite channels - more than my limited mind can come up with. I get to ask myself - Is God everything or is God nothing? I'm leaning on my HP being everything and if I'm willing to take the risk, God will take care of me, God WANTS to take care of me. God's had a documented history of taking good care of me, in fact, especially in those days I felt the most alone.
Fear is "False Evidence Appearing Real"
it's also "Forgetting Everything's All Right"
What's the opposite of fear? Faith.
I love this program because it teaches me over and over to pause and give my fears and questions to God - to pray - and I don't have to make any decisions right now, and as someone else said, I always have the right to change my mind after.
newnoz said
Aug 29, 2018
I'm going to have to post "Forgetting Everything's All Right" on my wall
Love it
One I used to hear around 'Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered"
Thanks for that
Nora G
Bo said
Aug 29, 2018
Sometimes our circumstances have a major impact on our decision-making, and what options we may feel are available to us. Several times in the course of my recovery -- I had to decide where the outcome might be an "unknown" so to speak, versus a status quo where I knew the outcome because it was already going, more of the same, etc. What I used to do was convince myself -- the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know -- and what I learned is that, for me, that was self-rationalization, which is a fancy word for DENIAL. Now, that's just me.
It's that human mind thing. When I was weighing the decision as to whether or not to leave my wife/my home -- it was an ongoing, back and forth, mental merry-go-round. I had 20 reasons -- great reasons, right reasons -- to leave...and I had 20 reasons -- also great, right reasons -- to stay. The former was "truth" and "reality" and the hard thing to do. It was uncomfortable, painful, sad, and so much more. The latter was denial. It was me rationalizing, convincing myself, wanting, etc. However, this is also where it gets confusing. It was the latter where I started twisting things in my head and seeing things that weren't really there. For example, I kept clutching onto how my wife kept saying she wanted to get better, she really did, and she would quit for a few days, etc. -- but she would come up with reasons not to go to AA, not to go to rehab, not to get a sponsor, not to do any of the things she would do if she really wanted to get better. I bought into the deflection, denial, etc. I hoped she would get better. I wanted her to. So, I came up with those 20 reasons not to leave -- and it wasn't really convincing myself. Since it was the emotional, what I truly wanted, etc., I already believed it. I "sold" it to friends, my sponsor, and even in my shares at meetings.
So, I am not sure this is making sense, or that I am explaining it well -- however, the bottom line is -- doing the hard thing vs. doing the easy thing. The irony is that the easy thing is not so easy. Staying was not easy. It caused me so much pain. It was so unhealthy. I was afraid to leave. It was hard, it was also painful. Perhaps it's the pain you know vs. the pain you don't know. There is an element of "battered wife syndrome" to that thinking. Devil you know vs. devil you don't know. I wanted to stay was tied to I wanted her to get better SO THAT I could stay.
It's a very difficult thought process to explain. I just know it was not easy for me. Today, as strange as this sounds, I am glad I went through it.
mamalioness said
Aug 29, 2018
I like what Bo said...Nothing changes if nothing changes...How many bad or (delaying my progress) decisions I have made out of financial fear and its always the same thing----financial fear...taking the easy road, or so it seemed...putting my mental/emotional health on back burner because I NEEDED his paycheck because I feared I could not make it alone....looking back, I've found that when push came to shove, I always found a way to "take care of me" Learning to trust in me..the universe...karmic energy coming back tome (so I guard my tongue and actions because what goes around does come around) but TRUSTING that I will be OK.....it never worked when I put my welfare 2nd...putting what is healthy first is what I am doing more and more.....I proved something really great to myself
I was working for this abusive, condescending, always quoting the bible and then turning around and passively aggressively putting me down, trying to power trip me and control me...it was getting so I was DEPRESSED all day Tues (worked for her on Wed.) dreading the next day and the hours would just crawl....I hated that job.....but the money was good......Finally I just said, one day, after she really tried to control my "bathroom usage" and "well...how much work did you do while I was gone (for 8 minutes she was out of office) " I said nothing..Just ignored her and when she pulled that thing about my using the BR so much, I told her that the ventilation and temperature in the office is not comfortable, hence i drink more water when I am here, so yes..i will use the BR maybe 1x per hour.......She was totally into power tripping, manipulating, controlling me or I should say TRYING to do those things....I stood up for me each time and if I was in the right, I flat out told her that I was going to continue xxxx or oooo as it was the RIGHT and FAIR thing to do
that last day, I drove home, nearly in tears, putting up with this S*** and i decided "Bollix to the money--my health and happiness is more important" so I waited till I cooled down and sent her a "your behavior and conditions there are not acceptable, I cannot keep you as client--good luck in your future endeavors" and I hit the send button
I cannot tell you how freeing that was..yea, I was giving up money I needed, BUT, soon as I did that, I got a regular working with me more because he loves my work (we are both real fussy about doing things right and nobody pleased him but me) AND i got a new guy I am working with AND a new gal and her husband coming up....so yea, I TRUSTED in my karma/universe/HP/Energy, whatever it is called and I just "did it afraid" and it all worked out....putting what was right and clean for my recovery and my quest to be a better, healthier, more lovable person brought me great energy.....
hope this wasn't too far off topic, LOL.....Thank you for your share...
Hi everybody, it's been way too long since I've been active on here, or anywhere really. Two months ago, I had a really nasty fall at home which caused my left leg/ankle to be broken in 2 places, and my right foot was fractured as well. I was confined to bed rest, only getting up for the restroom or to go to appointments. Living with an active AH meant of course that I was gravely inconveniencing him by asking for coffee, water or when he felt pressured to bring me something to eat once a day. He would drink and come into my room so he could tell me how lazy and demanding I was and that if he were me, he'd be up taking care of things. Of course he works maybe 8 hours a week, and I was still paying all the rent, bills and part of the groceries using my sick/vacation leave. The backstory on this saga is that he is waiting for his inheritance to process and part of it is a property that is paid for. Depending on the settlement of the estate, some money may also be his after all is said and done. Anyway, what prompts an alcoholic to drink--a good day, bad day, sunny or overcast, pretty much any and everything, right? Everything he earns goes right back into his addictions, there's no provisions for the utilities, rent or groceries of course. At first, I planned to have the AH move on his own as his hometown is halfway across the country, but after my surgery last year, I had a change of heart. Then the fall and injuries I sustained 2 months ago gave me time to consider my options as well. My career here is dead in the water and there are some other personal issues that have me fairly convinced that moving with the AH could possibly benefit me being that I wouldn't have to give all of my earnings for rent/bills. The worrisome part is that the AH has definitely ramped up his drinking to where he has been on a binge for the past several months and the past 3 weeks or so have been especially bad. Even though I try to remember that he's not in his right mind it has caused a lot of emotional fallout. Last month I found a recovery app that incorporates the 12 steps for Al-Anon but most days I've been bedridden and the perfect audience for his drama.
In my head, I am convinced that moving with AH back to his hometown is a financially sound choice. Emotionally, I'm not so sure. One of the subjects that AH loves to pontificate upon is that as an heir, he will have work and business ventures to keep himself busy and feeling productive, thus he will feel better about himself and be a better person. Even though that very well could be true, I worry it will just give him a really long time to keep abusing alcohol. One thing that could be a blessing for me is the fact that his property is in an area with a lot of AA/Al-Anon meetings so I'll finally be able to attend F2F meetings. I do love my AH very much but after so many years and years of being the primary everything, my nerves and finances are Swiss cheese. This past year after my surgery, dealing with his drama and wreckage of living has my depression and anxiety off the charts.
I know that it works if you work it, so I'll keep coming back. Any ESH or thoughts will be very much appreciated. Thank you.
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Saturday 25th of August 2018 01:23:28 AM
What resonates for me about your post is your feeling that you have a decision to make and that balance between finances and emotional well-being. I too love my AH despite a sneaking awareness that a relationship with him isn't quite what I originally had in mind. I too have been the primary earner.
One of the many things that I value about my Al Anon journey is a growing awareness that my own well-being is in my own hands. That quote about living well regardless of what others are doing around me was one I pondered for a long time and I decided to explore ways that I could make that happen in my own life. I remembered myself as a laughing, confident, resourceful person and I wondered where 'I' had gone.
I've worked hard all my life and as a result we were lucky enough to move to a nice place where we didn't have to work. I stopped working and that was a big life/identiy change for me and it took me time to adjust. For a while there was a space in my life that I filled by paying way too much attention to my husband, what he was doing/not doing and trying to resolve the problems that alcoholic behaviour brought into our lives. My goodness that was a full-time job on it's own!!! When I wasn't dealing with a crisis I was anticipating what would happen next and how I could smooth the waters. None of this made a difference or made me feel good by the way!! I kept waiting for the calm times to arrive so that I could think about 'what next' more positively - like that was going to happen??!!!!
After reading in Al Anon that I should keep my attention on my self (for the umpteenth thousandth time) I started to experiment with what that might mean. I wasn't happy. What could I do about that? I placed my emotional well-being above finances so if I followed through on that then I could leave my husband... and loose my home... Really?? Did I really need to throw everything away in order to get the peace I needed?
So what alternatives did I have.... I thought about what would I be doing if I was on my own and all was well in my world? What would that look like? Was there any part of my happiness and wellbeing that didn't have to rely on my husband? I discovered that there were a lot of the things that made me happy or feel content and none of them relied on my husband! I noted the three best things of the day every evening so I built up a store of the simply things in life that felt good for me. I set about exploring what my answers might be, again for me, and started to learn by trying out small things at first - little baby steps - and then started following the paths that felt right, ie felt calm or exciting in a good way.
I figured that I needed 'an occupation'. I took gentle steps. And then I took slightly bolder ones. Sometimes I felt anxious about what I was doing but it rarely led to mistakes. My judgement turned out to be better than I thought!!! My confidence started to grow. My depression started to fade. I remember waking up one morning with a smile on my face - gosh that felt wonderful! I had grown used to waking up with tears in my eyes or a storm raging between my ears. It felt like something was working in my life and I guess that was me.
Not attending other people's crisis or dwelling too long on their words has freed up so much time in my life. It sort of turned out that I had my own adjustments to make and that when I turned my resourcefulness on myself, all sorts of lovely things started to happen.
I know in the back of my mind that any decisions I make don't have to be fixed in stone by the way. Over the past five years I've taken time away to gently recover and listen to myself. I've taken time away to learn new skills. And I've also returned home and lived alongside my husband as well. It is as if I've rediscovered that everything is on a sliding scale and that I don't have to sit at one end or the other but can find my own pace and explore and experiment in ways that are right for me, for now.
Does any of this even make sense?!!
Thank you for the opportunity to share how I feel about my journey. I hear you looking at your own situation with open eyes and I hear your recognition of how you are feeling as well. (On a practical level my anxiety was helped by meditation by the way and I've learnt to sometimes welcome my anxiety as a tool that tells me to change something even though, at it's most out of control, I found it disabling and debilitating and I thought I was going mad). Keep listening to yourself and what thoughts feel calmer for you....
Sending (((((hugs)))))
I too can relate to your share. Before Al-Anon, I seriously thought the only way I could find peace was to depart from my marriage. As I began working the program, and accepted the disease concept, my sponsor kept asking me to focus on what was good and working in my life, my home, my family.
It took me a long time to 'see' that I did contribute to the chaos and when I minded my own business, things were more tolerable. As I kept working on me, and staying on my side of the street, I saw more and more calm and peace. As my decision-making mind cleared a bit, I too considered the financial vs. the emotional and more as we had children.
In my situation, as I got more sane and less crazy, I came to realize that a decision to stay/go wasn't my only choice and I also had the right/power to change my mind any time I needed to. Believing in a HP that doesn't do anything by mistake helped me see that I truly could grow where planted so long as I continued to focus on me and my own recovery.
My journey is not complete and will be a life-time experience. I am grateful each day to lean into this spiritual program and start fresh. I don't have to do anything, just for today, beyond staying in the present and do the next right thing.
I too am sending (((hugs))) - keep coming back!
That said, my experience with similar situations, albeit different specifics -- these things for me are -- nothing changes if nothing changes. I don't let factors cloud that, or my judgement. I don't let the tail wag the dog. If I focus on me -- what is best for me, healthiest for me, what the next right thing in front of me is, for me...then "truth" will present itself. I don't mean the truth -- I mean truth -- truth is what is the next right thing for me. This entire program, the entire reason people come here is to get better. To get healthy. Nothing changes if nothing changes prevents me from being in the same situation, perhaps worse, 3 months from now. Or 6. Or one year from now. I've had to weigh the financial vs. emotional/health/well-being thing. Numerous times. I can only share my thoughts then, my decision, my experience, and my thoughts now. Then, I thought making the financially safe/sound decision was wise. Was safe. Was OK. Was best for that moment. In hindsight. It never once was. My thought process at the time was distorted. My thinking was distorted. How could I made a good decision. I couldn't. But I would have convinced you at the time I was. Today I know better. When I let something other than my emotional, health, well-being come even second, to financial, popular, easy, or whatever decision...it never ended up well. Now, that's just me.
However, I found when I made the decision to put my emotional well-being first...I may not have had all that I wanted...but I did always get and ended up with all that I needed. I don't focus on the side of the coin that tells me all the things I want and don't have. I focus on the side that shows me all the things I need...and that I have them. My mental well-being put first -- funny thing -- then I was able to get better, perform better, work better, and do better financially! Hmmmmm, forgetting about finances, and focusing on my well-being, allowed me to then achieve success in finances. Interesting.
I have always believed that God, the world, karma, whatever you want to call it, actually works...it works in that things, incidents, whatever it may be...all of that is put in front of us for a reason. It could be character building, overcoming fear, learning, whatever. But, it is there for a reason. It is up to me to take that, for all it is, and do what I need to do for me. My mantra is "Run toward the roar!" Don't fear the lion. Run toward him. Face him. Living begins when we face fear and conquer it. Living begins when we do something uncomfortable. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Fear is "False Evidence Appearing Real"
it's also "Forgetting Everything's All Right"
What's the opposite of fear? Faith.
I love this program because it teaches me over and over to pause and give my fears and questions to God - to pray - and I don't have to make any decisions right now, and as someone else said, I always have the right to change my mind after.
Love it
One I used to hear around 'Frantic Efforts to Appear Recovered"
Thanks for that
Nora G
It's that human mind thing. When I was weighing the decision as to whether or not to leave my wife/my home -- it was an ongoing, back and forth, mental merry-go-round. I had 20 reasons -- great reasons, right reasons -- to leave...and I had 20 reasons -- also great, right reasons -- to stay. The former was "truth" and "reality" and the hard thing to do. It was uncomfortable, painful, sad, and so much more. The latter was denial. It was me rationalizing, convincing myself, wanting, etc. However, this is also where it gets confusing. It was the latter where I started twisting things in my head and seeing things that weren't really there. For example, I kept clutching onto how my wife kept saying she wanted to get better, she really did, and she would quit for a few days, etc. -- but she would come up with reasons not to go to AA, not to go to rehab, not to get a sponsor, not to do any of the things she would do if she really wanted to get better. I bought into the deflection, denial, etc. I hoped she would get better. I wanted her to. So, I came up with those 20 reasons not to leave -- and it wasn't really convincing myself. Since it was the emotional, what I truly wanted, etc., I already believed it. I "sold" it to friends, my sponsor, and even in my shares at meetings.
So, I am not sure this is making sense, or that I am explaining it well -- however, the bottom line is -- doing the hard thing vs. doing the easy thing. The irony is that the easy thing is not so easy. Staying was not easy. It caused me so much pain. It was so unhealthy. I was afraid to leave. It was hard, it was also painful. Perhaps it's the pain you know vs. the pain you don't know. There is an element of "battered wife syndrome" to that thinking. Devil you know vs. devil you don't know. I wanted to stay was tied to I wanted her to get better SO THAT I could stay.
It's a very difficult thought process to explain. I just know it was not easy for me. Today, as strange as this sounds, I am glad I went through it.
I like what Bo said...Nothing changes if nothing changes...How many bad or (delaying my progress) decisions I have made out of financial fear and its always the same thing----financial fear...taking the easy road, or so it seemed...putting my mental/emotional health on back burner because I NEEDED his paycheck because I feared I could not make it alone....looking back, I've found that when push came to shove, I always found a way to "take care of me" Learning to trust in me..the universe...karmic energy coming back tome (so I guard my tongue and actions because what goes around does come around) but TRUSTING that I will be OK.....it never worked when I put my welfare 2nd...putting what is healthy first is what I am doing more and more.....I proved something really great to myself
I was working for this abusive, condescending, always quoting the bible and then turning around and passively aggressively putting me down, trying to power trip me and control me...it was getting so I was DEPRESSED all day Tues (worked for her on Wed.) dreading the next day and the hours would just crawl....I hated that job.....but the money was good......Finally I just said, one day, after she really tried to control my "bathroom usage" and "well...how much work did you do while I was gone (for 8 minutes she was out of office) " I said nothing..Just ignored her and when she pulled that thing about my using the BR so much, I told her that the ventilation and temperature in the office is not comfortable, hence i drink more water when I am here, so yes..i will use the BR maybe 1x per hour.......She was totally into power tripping, manipulating, controlling me or I should say TRYING to do those things....I stood up for me each time and if I was in the right, I flat out told her that I was going to continue xxxx or oooo as it was the RIGHT and FAIR thing to do
that last day, I drove home, nearly in tears, putting up with this S*** and i decided "Bollix to the money--my health and happiness is more important" so I waited till I cooled down and sent her a "your behavior and conditions there are not acceptable, I cannot keep you as client--good luck in your future endeavors" and I hit the send button
I cannot tell you how freeing that was..yea, I was giving up money I needed, BUT, soon as I did that, I got a regular working with me more because he loves my work (we are both real fussy about doing things right and nobody pleased him but me) AND i got a new guy I am working with AND a new gal and her husband coming up....so yea, I TRUSTED in my karma/universe/HP/Energy, whatever it is called and I just "did it afraid" and it all worked out....putting what was right and clean for my recovery and my quest to be a better, healthier, more lovable person brought me great energy.....
hope this wasn't too far off topic, LOL.....Thank you for your share...