Finally drew my boundaries and stuck to them -- Steps 1-3
SDB said
Aug 23, 2018
After four years of living with my AH who had multiple hospitalizations, I finally let go of trying to control him and focused on myself and what I needed. I had tried making deals (you can have beer, but no hard stuff; you can have an allowance so you don't spend all our money; etc.), pleading, guilting, everything I could think of to fix the situation. And then last Saturday on my drive home after a work conference when I spoke to him on the phone and could tell he was drunk, I made a decision -- it was time to draw my boundary of what was acceptable for me in my life, what I needed to feel safe in my home and what kind of behavior I wanted our daughter to be around. I told him that I would not continue to live with drinking and he could continue on if he likes, but I would not be a part of it.
He disappeared for a day without any response to my texts or calls, so I pulled together 3 boxes of his books and told him I was putting them on the curb. This was a malicious move by me and I'm not proud of it. But I was at my breaking point and the 3 boxes barely made a dent in the stacks that are all around our living room. He was angry and I told him if he wanted to keep them, he could come home and get them. This was my last stab at trying to control the situation by getting him home so we could talk. After hours of back and forth he finally came home, threw the boxes in our living room and proceeded to scream and throw stuff. Scared at how angry he was, I told him to leave (which he did), I packed up a bag and called my mother who drove over and picked me and my daughter up. I told him I would not come home while he was drinking or if he was even in the house. I needed space to think through everything and I feared for his physical health and our safety.
As the sole breadwinner of the family, I did what I had to to protect what little money we had left and moved funds out of our joint checking and shut off his debit card. I refused to enable his habit any longer by providing an open pipeline to money that he would spend on booze, at bars, on books, etc. I gave him numbers he could call if he wanted to get help and left it at that. He would text me saying that he needed my help, and I would continue to send him the numbers and said if he felt he couldn't get to a hospital, he could simply call 911. I could not do the legwork for his recovery, he would need to take ownership over that. I needed to concentrate on work, finding daycare arrangements for our toddler and I had enough on my plate.
After 3 days he told me he was going to detox. Once I knew he was in, I returned home and worked out a schedule with my mother and job so we could cover daycare. Two days into detox he walked out at 1am and showed up completely out of his mind in our apartment while we were sleeping. I told him to leave and that I would be calling the police. Police explained that they couldn't do anything without him there and gave me some information and told me to barricade the door and call if she showed up again. At 3am he came back, I called the police and they told him he couldn't be in the house, got his keys from him and sent him on his way. A few hours later he called me saying he couldn't remember the last few days, how he got to our house or really anything that had happened. I told him I was scared for his health and that he was not in a right state of mind and encouraged him to return to detox. That day I filed and was granted a restraining order. He went back to detox that afternoon and was served with the paperwork for the restraining order the following day.
I sent the detox our insurance information and a list of approved residential facilities and said I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to him until he had some sobriety under his belt and that I could not participate in setting up his care other than giving them the information. They agreed and told me they would let me know what was going on since he signed a release. A few days later he secured himself a place in a rehab, advocated to stay in the hospital an extra day so he could be transported from the detox directly to the rehab and as far as I know is getting the treatment he needs.
Letting go of the process has been very hard for me and I've second-guessed myself almost daily on the restraining order. But I realize that accepting steps 1-3 that I have taken care of my needs, restored much of my sanity, admitted that there is a problem and that my life was out of control, and turned over any control I thought I had by getting the restraining order. The restraining order gave us both the space that was needed to focus on ourselves and to confront our issues head-on. I don't know when I will hear from the facility or how he's doing or what my involvement (if any) will be in his recovery. I just need to focus on today and what I can control -- my work, my health, my safety and my daughter. It's strangely comforting and has been so much less stressful than the past 4 years. I'm hoping to use the time that we have apart to focus on my needs and wants and to get back to meetings.
Thanks for letting me get this all out and thank you for the tools I've kept with me over the last few years.
Aloha said
Aug 23, 2018
Thank you so much for sharing this powerful story, SDB. I admire your strength and ability to put the tools you've learned in the program to work.
That's all you can do is take care of you and your daughter, and it sounds like you're doing exactly what's right for you with that in mind.
Hoping your AH gets the help he needs, as well, but it's so, so nice that YOU don't have to make it happen for him.
Iamhere said
Aug 23, 2018
SDB - great to see you again and thank you for your share. I too admire your strength and ability to use the tools of our program. I love that you've found your boundaries, and hope you keep taking care of self and daughter. Keep coming back - you are not alone!
I too will pray for your AH and sending all of you positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is larger than life - hopefully he'll accept the help he's got in front of him.
Bo said
Aug 23, 2018
SDB, thank you so very much for sharing and telling your story, more importantly, for your perspective on your progress and recovery.
Finally letting go is where most people land and say "it's hard" or "I can't" and they have so many reasons why they can't or so many reasons why it's hard, and more of that thinking. It's one version of our DENIAL. Of course it can be hard, but that should never be an insurmountable mountain that prevents us from trying, getting better, focusing on ourselves, and getting healthy. That's what we do -- little by slowly, if we do the work, we get better and we get healthy. It gets even harder when the alcoholic does not want or does not accept help that is made available to them. But that is the reality and that is what we too have to face and handle.
The best thing is that you did not do the legwork for him. You gave it to him to do. You allowed him to do it...IF he wanted to. That makes it his decision. I have so much respect and admiration for just that one move -- it was incredible -- and thank you for sharing that.
The bottom line -- he made his statement, not verbally, but made it clear -- he walked out of detox after two days. What more is there to "discuss" -- at least in the alcoholism sense of the word. The "discussions" are never really discussions.
I also admire and respect the restraining order. While it's sad that life arrives at that point, and it's never easy to do -- one's personal safety and protection, and even more that of a child, supersedes everything else.
Letting go, setting boundaries, enforcing them, etc. -- none of it is easy. Once we do it, it's very freeing, and very empowering. In my experience, most people in alanon aren't able to get to the empowering, because they struggle with continuing to let go, the boundaries, etc. I've found that if you struggle with letting go, it might be because you need to be more grounded in acceptance, surrender, and embracing that there is nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing we can do regarding anything to do with the alcoholic's drinking or getting them to quit. Second-guessing yourself is natural. It's very common. Don't beat yourself up. Go gentle unto yourself. Be gentle with yourself and clutch onto and build onto all the great progress you have made.
Boundaries are a work-in-progress type of tool. What is most important is to remember...the boundaries are FOR YOU. They are there to protect you, even when you don't feel like or think you need protection! While you both have the space needed to focus on yourselves, and each of your own respective recovery -- remember, he has his decision he has to make, every single day. It will be obvious to you. You may not want to see it, but it will be obvious. Keep doing what you are doing. Concentrate of sweeping your side of the street and keeping your side of the street clean...not his. Let him worry about his side of the street. That is his recovery...not yours.
You referenced "strangely comforting" -- isn't it? LOL. It's kind of weird at first, right? What do I do now that I have all this time and I am not a partner in the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. How about I go out and get my life back!!!
Yes, get back to meetings. It's hard when you don't go and then crisis drags you back to meetings. For me, I view it as my mental gym. And, I go several times a week just to "work out" -- the alanon way!
Keep up the great work. Don't get distracted. You are doing great! And let him handle his recovery. You can be supportive, meaning encouraging and supportive in a morale kind of way...but you don't have to be and shouldn't be his partner in his recovery. Your involvement should be "minimal" at most. I went to family nights, and spouse sessions at rehabs and IOP's all over the country. I "kept my distance" so to speak, because she had to decide on her own what she wanted to do. I could not have any input on that. None. I could "hope" -- but in alanon they say "hope is a premeditated disappointment and resentment". I have long said...HIGH HOPES AND LOW EXPECTATIONS...and that keeps me safe, healthy, and prepared.
Stick with the winners. Meeting makers make it. Keep up the great work!!!
serenity47 said
Aug 23, 2018
Great work! You took the steps necessary to relinquish another adult to doing what we are all supposed to be doing which is managing our own lives. It is empowering to work on accepting what we cant change (another person) and work on who we can change, (ourselves). The amount of time I found had on my hands when I handed my qualifiers life back to them to take care of was astounding. This is when I began to rely and trust that my higher power would take care of me. My qualifier continues to make many decisions that I do not like. I am better able to stand back now and keep my hands and nose out of it. Any and all change for her is generated through her own actions not mine. Any and all change for me is generated by my own actions, not based on what another person is doing or not doing. I will always remain hopeful, loving and encouraging towards her to the best of my ability.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 24th of August 2018 01:11:54 AM
canadianguy said
Aug 23, 2018
Awesome stuff SDB.
Your story is a great reminder to all of us that every situation is unique, and another healthy reminder as to why we are never in a position to give out advice, directly or indirectly, in these challenging situations. For what its worth, it sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do, for you and your daughter - kudos to you for that!
Now that you finally have some peace and serenity in your world, what a wonderful opportunity to get to work on you and your recovery in all of this.
Way to go, and keep on keeping on.
Tom
hotrod said
Aug 24, 2018
Great awareness, acceptance and action SDB. Thank you for sharing the journey
Jozie said
Aug 24, 2018
(((SDB)))
WOW...Is about All I Got... :) Only Because you are Living Proof this Program WORKS When We Work it, and Wow are you Working it... I Know Many that Struggle with Boundaries, and at times I Do too... But when we Stick to Our Guns, it's so Worth the Hell we went thru to Get there...
You are Doing Amazing, and I hope you have Given yourself Credit for that... This is Not Ever an Easy Road, but what an Inspiration you are to Many here sharing such a Triumph... Just Amazing :) Keep taking Care of You it Looks Good on You... One Day at a Time...
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
Jazzie18 said
Aug 24, 2018
Great work. Sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and your family.
Neroli said
Aug 26, 2018
Wow SDB, I found your story inspiring. I'm glad I read it today.
When I am in the middle of a crisis and need to make decisions about what to do I get very concerned with what is the "right" decision. It is so hard to know for sure, maybe impossible to know because we can't predict the future. Looking back I did some things that I am not proud of, or things that I now think were mistakes. I also did things that I view as very good decisions, though I was not sure they were good ones at the time.
But I can say that I learned so much from all my mistakes, and also so much from my successes. Everything, the good and the bad, led me to a better place eventually, I think because I have been seeking that better place through program, my higher power and daily meditation. Meditation really helps my emotions to move toward the positive and away from the fear. I only do it for 15 minutes a day because I'm not THAT good, yet it helps me greatly and gives me a better perspective.
In my own story some of the decisions I made that seemed the harshest to my loved one, turning my back on him and turning him away, practicing detachment (not detachment with love, because I was not capable of that), stopping trying to help him with his problems, were the things that had better outcomes for me. He was forced to solve his own problems, and for a long time that did not go very well, but after years of addiction he now appears to be taking a positive turn. I am grateful for that because I do love him. But I know it can all be swept away into addiction again. He alone is in control of his life, not me. And I am now loving him from a distance, detachment with love.
The main thing I wanted to say here was the fact that I have learned a lot from all my decisions, good and "bad" ones. They all helped me to know better how to handle a difficult situation. And I wish you and your family peace, serenity, happiness, everything positive I can wish.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 26, 2018
I am in awe of your strength, SDB!! Keep working on you, & keep posting! You are an inspiration!
Peace & love
mamalioness said
Aug 26, 2018
WOW!!! SDB...you took care of business..took care of you...did it with class and w/out malice (books on the curb, to me?? I've done tons worse, lol) GREAT and POWERFUL share....I love to see a fellow alanon taking care of the most important thing.....the children and themselves.......GOOD JOB!!!!! I know!! It hurts to have to "cut someone loose" to their own devices, but IMO, had I done that waaaaay back, I might have given my Ex AH the best gift ever....making him stand on his own....I did but it was late in the game....still!!! Where there is life, there is hope....I am hoping in his now, next life, he is doing better...but it isn't my business anymore.....
SDB said
Aug 28, 2018
Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. I've spoken a few times to my AH since he's been in rehab. He sounds like he's doing well, but I'm finding now that I'm struggling with trust and actually believing what he's saying. I keep going through conversations we've had in the past and how he's actually said to me in a couples therapy session that sometimes he says what he knows I want to hear to get what he wants. I'm finding myself reverting into trying to pick apart his voice when he calls. I know he's in rehab and doesn't have any access to alcohol, but for some reason my mind keeps going there.
The rehab he's at is saying they're going to discharge after 14 days, which to me sounds nuts. Since I have the restraining order, they're giving me the runaround on family involvement and even education. I've got a call into someone else to find out why their program is so short, especially since I called our insurance and they assured me that if they deemed it medically necessary for him to be there longer, that they would fully cover treatment. So I'm hitting some anxiety as the supposed final week of his treatment begins.
Although my schedule has been all out of whack and I've had to parent my child while working full-time, my home has been more calm and safe than it's been in months and I'm scared to lose the little bit of serenity that I've found. They said that I should come prepared with boundaries and consequences for the family meeting that they're going to schedule on Sunday morning and now my mind is kind of reeling.
My mother, who has been an amazing support person in terms of helping me care for my daughter and sort out legal and financial issues, is being less than helpful when it comes to his possible discharge and the work that he's done (or not) while in rehab. I realize that I get a lot of the unhealthy "fixer" behaviors from her. My ex-step-father was an abusive alcoholic and her current partner of nearly 20 years has addiction issues. I actually had to text her yesterday to say that I'm trying to be positive and her texts were only stressing me out and I wasn't finding them helpful, so I was going to stop texting for a while.
I guess the pink cloud I had above my head last week has finally started to dissipate and the anxiety, worry and fear of the unknown is creeping back in.
I don't consider myself a spiritual person and I've always struggled with the higher power part of Al Anon. There's something about letting go and believing that something else out there will just take care of me that doesn't feel right to me. I can see how it would be comforting, but it's just not part of my belief system and I'm really struggling with that right now.
SDB
-- Edited by SDB on Tuesday 28th of August 2018 08:46:23 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 28, 2018
Most facilities will discharge a patient to a sober-living house. It is affiliated with the facility, and usually has several members living in one house. There is a designated time frame for being there. The members learn how to get back to life (work etc) while still being in a relatively controlled environment - with AA meetings, peer support etc.
After my Ex's 8 month program in a facility (yes, you read that right - he was very physically impacted by his disease), he is still living in his sober-living house. He can now look into his own living arrangements, and is currently doing so.
I don't see anything wrong about you inquiring what the "next step" is regarding treatment before this family meeting. Will there be access to a sober-living arrangement? Also, even if they don't offer that, you can lay down the requirement that you want to live separately for _____ weeks/months/ etc. before he comes back into the home. This will allow you more time to work on YOU. Perhaps begin attending Face 2 Face meetings for Al-Anon.
From my experience, 14 days is WAY too short. But, unless it is court ordered, no facility can keep a person there... they are allowed to walk at any time.
I know you feel overwhelmed... you are the breadwinner, you have a child & you have to deal with all of this as well. But I suggest taking the time to learn everything you can about Addiction. Alcoholism specifically. Not so you can change ANYTHING about your spouse. So that you can go into these meetings with knowledge of how this disease progresses. What the statistical outcomes are. The fact that qualifiers can get clean and sober, yet still exhibit all the "isms" of the disease. I say this b/c this is what lessened the feeling of FEAR of the unknown for me. It helped me to decide the next right step for ME.
Wishing you Peace this week!
SDB said
Aug 28, 2018
Ugh, so I just got off the phone with the family liason. She said they do 14 days because that's what insurance oks generally. She said if they deemed it "medically necessary" they could keep him there up to 28 days. I flagged some inconsistencies with what he was telling me and what she seemed to mention fell under "medically necessary." First he said they couldn't give him medication there, which she said they can and that would be one of the reasons they'd hold him to make sure he wasn't having any adverse reactions. She said he was opting to take that in outpatient, so I'm going to suggest that he starts taking in there ASAP. He also said they've been in contact with his PCP. His PCP called because she knew he had been in the ER for detox, but had no clue about rehab. So I flagged that with them as well. They also hadn't been giving him the high dose of Paxil that he's been on for years because as he put it, "They aren't very good at giving out meds here." I again flagged that. He also said that he met with a psychiatrist yesterday that prescribed him something that he'd start after leaving.
I'm feeling less comfortable with him coming home given all the inconsistencies and I think one of my boundaries will be that he needs to start the meds before coming home.
I'm also trying to figure out boundaries around money. He had been unemployed for probably the last 8 years or so, however he had full access to our joint bank account and would routinely drain it when he'd go on binges on alcohol, at bars, on buying himself expensive gifts without considering our bills. What are boundaries that you've made around finances?
-SDB
Aloha said
Aug 28, 2018
Regarding finances, after my exAH had gone into a tailspin that lead me to the rooms of Al-Anon, I immediately separated our finances, meaning I stopped depositing my paychecks into our joint account and only deposited them in my personal account. We then had to work out with each other paying half on our bills, etc. Of course my AH was still active and his contributions to our household expenses pretty much never came - I footed 80-90% of our expenses, and he actually had a job. He was pretty upset with my pulling my money away from his free use, but it sure left me feeling a lot better that I wouldn't have to worry so much about meeting financial obligations, and it kept me from getting resentful with him for his extravagant impulse purchases.
It was not a cure-all by any means. He was just as irresponsible as he always was and as I said earlier, I still ended up footing the majority of our financial obligations because he'd still blow his whole paychecks on alcohol and any shiny object that caught his eye (clothing, gadgets, computer stuff, SCUBA gear, tools, toys, etc.)
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2018
(((SDB))) - that 14 day thing was in place for the last few treatment centers we were involved with. It was hard for everyone as they would then do weekly reviews on discharge. When a program is designed for 30, 60, 90 days, and insurance becomes the deciding arm for treatment, it's hugely disconnected for all. All I knew to do was to advocate for as long in the controlled environment as possible based on facts, my observations, past events, etc.
As far as boundaries, I had to learn they were about me and not another. They are for protection and not to be punitive. With that in mind, and also feeling some freedom from the insanity/chaos of the disease, my boundaries got more specific with each treatment center experience. What I know now is that returning home for mine (sons) was not ever a good fit. For them mentally, home is often where they drank/drugged and it was too easy to fall back into habits/patterns of before. They've both had success while transitioning to a sober living home - and have tried then all - Oxford, Halfway, etc.
I got to the point where I said we would discuss/visit a return to the home for living after one year of sobriety.
I also had to be very specific - I started saying that this was a sober home, and there was no using here. So....smart as they are, they would not 'use' here, but they would possess and then take a walk to use. It became as simple as no alcohol allowed at any time for any reason.
I also have separate finances from my AH for the exact reasons as above. I have been very careful/guarded with my finances and was able to save and retire early. My AH - wants the latest/greatest toy here/now and blows through money like it's water. Getting our finances separated and keeping them so gave me tons of peace of mind.
Boundaries are way easier for me to consider if I am working with my sponsor and 'acting as if' I am helping another vs. my own loved one. There is no shame in defining a need as ability to split all finances 50/50 - I often ask myself what would another expect/need from me and/or what would be fair?
The only way I was able to manage my anxiety, fear and projection was meetings. When I couldn't get to a F2F meeting, I came here - twice a day for a long, long while. It grounded me greatly, calmed me down and kept me focused on One Day at a Time as well as just the here/now. I also had to accept that when I cared about the outcome or future of another more than they did, I was probably no longer on my side of the street!
Be gentle with you and try to just live for today. We had a huge sign around here for a long time that suggested that we needed to SEE CHANGE not just HEAR IT. Words mattered but actions were how we monitored adherence to rules...
Hope this helps (HTH) - as always, take what you like and leave the rest.
Jen61 said
Aug 28, 2018
I moved money from our joint account to an account that was just mine. With money going out for a lawyer, bail, fines, a year of weekly meetings and monthly parole I wanted to protect myself.
Bo said
Aug 28, 2018
Smelling a bit like he wants to leave the facility, perhaps as much as it's an insurance issue. When the insurance tail wags the recovery dog, the probability for success plummets. Also, in and of itself -- he needs to start the meds before coming home -- is not a boundary; it's an ultimatum. Perhaps you meant it differently, but just worded it that way. So, if it's a boundary you are looking for, you will want to put that in a boundary format/structure.
One of the slogans we hear in alanon is -- check your motives. What is it you are really trying to do, to accomplish? A change in the alcoholic? Or, a change in you?
In my experience, it all comes down to -- does the alcoholic want to get better or not. I don't mean what they are saying...I mean what they are doing. If their actions, minute to minute actions, are not congruent with their words, then their words are not authentic, not sincere. My wife went to multiple rehabs -- not just detox -- rehabs! Detox -- regardless of how many days -- is not the treatment plan for the arrestment of this disease. This disease, getting clean and sober, getting healthy, and living a life of recovery...is a process...and it is not a destination...it is a journey.
Detox is simply the very first step in that process. It is the very first step on that journey. Absent insurance parameters, detox almost always leads to rehab, inpatient rehab. If it doesn't, due to insurance, it leads to IOP. If it doesn't, again, due to insurance and it simply is discharge and done -- every detox I've ever encountered, both personally in dealing with my wife and a step-son, and professionally, all of them arm the patient with all of the resources that are available -- and the main focus of that is "Go to meetings!!!" LOL.
All of that is meaningless. It is about the alcoholic. Who are they being? In my experience, if an alcoholic wants to get better, it becomes the most important thing in the world to them -- their sobriety, staying clean and sober, is the most important thing in the world. They do whatever they have to. They do what they are told. They do whatever it takes. They don't do it their way, on their terms, in their time, part-time, they don't have excuses, and there is nothing to discuss. They are solely focused on one thing and one thing only -- staying clean and sober. Period.
So, what does that mean to you? What do you want to do? Well, my experience is that the alanon person has to have the same focus, the same desire, the same visceral existence -- to want to get better. The same applies to us. If we want to get better -- then what do we do? Well, part of our recovery -- is acceptance. Acceptance means the giving up of trying to control, negotiate, etc., the alcoholic and their drinking. It means giving up trying to control or change anything about them. If we give an ultimatum, we are trying to change them, control them, etc. If we set a boundary -- we are trying to protect ourselves! There is a massive difference between the two.
There are boundaries -- healthy ones -- you can implement around finances. It is the perfect topic to talk with a sponsor about, and have the insight and perspective of someone who knows you, your story, etc., and someone who can give you objectivity. That is a key ingredient, that in my experience, most people neglect.
All the best.
SDB said
Aug 30, 2018
All of your posts definitely have me thinking about the motives behind my actions. Do you have resources on how to craft boundaries? I think that will help me figure out what I need to do and to be sure the motives behind what I'm saying are for me, not to try to control the disease.
Another question that I have is about the higher power. As I mentioned earlier in this string, I'm not a particularly spiritual person. I don't have a belief that there's something out there watching out for me. I do think there's inherent good in people, but again I don't think there's something out there that has influence over my life. I would love to hear how people who don't consider themselves spiritual handle this higher power stuff. It's something I've struggled at for years in Al Anon.
--SDB
Iamhere said
Aug 30, 2018
SDB - my greatest resource for boundaries was/is my sponsor. I also refer to "this" often when I am considering/modifying boundaries or need reminders on detaching. I suspect you can find possibly more using Google as a point of reference if you don't yet have a sponsor. HTH (Hope This Helps)!
Keep coming back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXCERPTED FROM CH. 11 OF "HOW AL-ANON WORKS"
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Al-Anon recovery is about reclaiming our own lives. We do this by learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help with our limitations. But many of us find it difficult even to begin this self-focused process because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others, especially the alcoholic. Having interceded for so long on the alcoholic's behalf, constantly reacting, worrying, pleasing, covering up, smoothing over, or bailing him or her out of trouble, we have often taken upon our shoulders responsibilities that don't rightfully belong to us.
The result is that we lose the sense of where we leave off and the alcoholic begins. We have become so enmeshed with another person's life and problems that we have lost the knowledge that we are separate individuals. When asked about ourselves, we often respond by talking about the alcoholic. We perceive ourselves to be so connected that, if something happens to the alcoholic, it seems only right, only natural, for us to respond.
Many of us even confuse this absence of personal boundaries with love and caring. For example, from the moment the alcoholic goes out the door, we sit, immobilized, unable to do anything but think obsessively about him or her. We lose the ability to distinguish between the alcoholic and ourselves until the alcoholic's past, current, and potential actions become our sole focus. This is not love; it's obsession. When we cease to live our own lives because we are so preoccupied with the lives of others, our behavior is motivated by fear. Not only is it harmful to a relationship to hover anxiously or suspiciously over a loved one night and day, it is also extremely self-destructive.
Likewise, when we cancel our own plans and stay home because we fear that the alcoholic will drink if left alone, we may protest that we act out of loving self-sacrifice for the sake of the alcoholic. More likely, it is an effort to feel that we have some power over the drinking. The choice to abandon our own plans for such a purpose is an act of fear, not an act of love. Canceling plans and staying home to avoid the consequences of "defying" the alcoholic is another form of self-abandonment and has nothing to do with love.
Genuine, healthy love isn't self-destructive. It doesn't diminish us or strip us of our identities, nor does it in any way diminish those we love. Love is nourishing; it allows each of us to be more fully ourselves. The enmeshment that characterizes an alcoholic relationship does just the opposite.
DETACHMENT
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Al-Anon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we would take the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of a person with a cold, we will no longer have to take those effects to heart.
Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In that moment we can ask ourselves, "Is this behavior coming from the person or the disease?" Although at first the answer may not be clear to us, in time it becomes easier to discern whether alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior. This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the troublealcoholism. Everyone's attention goes to the harsh word, the broken glass, or the bounced check rather than to the disease. It becomes automatic to defend against the insult, weep or rage at the thrown glass, scramble to cover the bounced check. But by naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it at all. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism," and let it go.
Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need the support or perspective that only a Sponsor or fellow Al-Anon member can provide. An Al-Anon call or meeting could be just what we need to help us separate ourselves from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being.
At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. But it is even more important to remember that establishing personal boundaries is not the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.
Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known.
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SDB said
Aug 30, 2018
Thanks IAMHERE. That was a very helpful reading. I don't think I've heard detachment explained quite that way.
-SDB
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 30, 2018
SDB - Hugs to ya! You are in a tight place right now.
All the ESH above will be helpful for you to create boundaries for YOU.
In regards to finances, this is what I did: Take what you want and leave the rest.
I told my spouse that I could not live a comfortable life worrying so much about finances. I did not mention all the times he would drain the account, etc. Moving forward, I want separate bank accounts, I told him. We went over the bills due each month, and decided we would pay 50 /50, but I was in charge of actually issuing the checks to pay the bills. Did I want to take on this responsibility? NO. But I had to realize that my spouse was incapable (for whatever reason at the time) and SOMEONE had to be the responsible adult.
Just my 2 cents, but I would state the boundary while he is in treatment, so that any anger over this boundary for YOU will be dealt with there... with people trained to do that.
Also, be fully aware that you will probably have to move forward having ZERO EXPECTATIONS of him meeting his half of those bills. It all depends if he is working his program. If he is, he'll see why this boundary is necessary. If he is not, he'll be in denial and say that it is unreasonable, you should treat him like an adult, blah, blah, blah. Don't back down from this... if there is only one thing I have learned, it is you can only control yourself, and you must protect your financial situation!
Wishing you peace today!
Neroli said
Aug 31, 2018
Hi SDB,
Going back to what you said about higher power...
When I started I felt similar to what you describe, I have progressed to a point where I know how I can have a higher power (but still have a hard time believing in a being out there that is focusing on helping me). It can be harder to figure that out when one is not so religious or spiritually inclined. But others in my face-to face Al-Anon groups gave me some ideas about it and I took what I liked!
I still think that meditation can be a skill or tool to use whether you have an idea of a higher power or just don't know. When I meditate I focus on deep, calm breathing which has a relaxing effect when I need that. Also I try to have a silent mind as much as I can when meditating, basically try to stop thinking. I have gotten better at just temporarily turning off my thoughts. This might seem like a strange thing to want to do, but it helps me when I want to be able to stop myself from obsessive worrying, stop having a negative thought track, be able to fall asleep, avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that I will later regret, and to generally practice a pause. There are many different approaches to meditation if you do a little research. And it's also a good time to try to focus on gratitude for those things we are appreciative of in our lives. I hope this is helpful because it does help me a lot.
After four years of living with my AH who had multiple hospitalizations, I finally let go of trying to control him and focused on myself and what I needed. I had tried making deals (you can have beer, but no hard stuff; you can have an allowance so you don't spend all our money; etc.), pleading, guilting, everything I could think of to fix the situation. And then last Saturday on my drive home after a work conference when I spoke to him on the phone and could tell he was drunk, I made a decision -- it was time to draw my boundary of what was acceptable for me in my life, what I needed to feel safe in my home and what kind of behavior I wanted our daughter to be around. I told him that I would not continue to live with drinking and he could continue on if he likes, but I would not be a part of it.
He disappeared for a day without any response to my texts or calls, so I pulled together 3 boxes of his books and told him I was putting them on the curb. This was a malicious move by me and I'm not proud of it. But I was at my breaking point and the 3 boxes barely made a dent in the stacks that are all around our living room. He was angry and I told him if he wanted to keep them, he could come home and get them. This was my last stab at trying to control the situation by getting him home so we could talk. After hours of back and forth he finally came home, threw the boxes in our living room and proceeded to scream and throw stuff. Scared at how angry he was, I told him to leave (which he did), I packed up a bag and called my mother who drove over and picked me and my daughter up. I told him I would not come home while he was drinking or if he was even in the house. I needed space to think through everything and I feared for his physical health and our safety.
As the sole breadwinner of the family, I did what I had to to protect what little money we had left and moved funds out of our joint checking and shut off his debit card. I refused to enable his habit any longer by providing an open pipeline to money that he would spend on booze, at bars, on books, etc. I gave him numbers he could call if he wanted to get help and left it at that. He would text me saying that he needed my help, and I would continue to send him the numbers and said if he felt he couldn't get to a hospital, he could simply call 911. I could not do the legwork for his recovery, he would need to take ownership over that. I needed to concentrate on work, finding daycare arrangements for our toddler and I had enough on my plate.
After 3 days he told me he was going to detox. Once I knew he was in, I returned home and worked out a schedule with my mother and job so we could cover daycare. Two days into detox he walked out at 1am and showed up completely out of his mind in our apartment while we were sleeping. I told him to leave and that I would be calling the police. Police explained that they couldn't do anything without him there and gave me some information and told me to barricade the door and call if she showed up again. At 3am he came back, I called the police and they told him he couldn't be in the house, got his keys from him and sent him on his way. A few hours later he called me saying he couldn't remember the last few days, how he got to our house or really anything that had happened. I told him I was scared for his health and that he was not in a right state of mind and encouraged him to return to detox. That day I filed and was granted a restraining order. He went back to detox that afternoon and was served with the paperwork for the restraining order the following day.
I sent the detox our insurance information and a list of approved residential facilities and said I wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to him until he had some sobriety under his belt and that I could not participate in setting up his care other than giving them the information. They agreed and told me they would let me know what was going on since he signed a release. A few days later he secured himself a place in a rehab, advocated to stay in the hospital an extra day so he could be transported from the detox directly to the rehab and as far as I know is getting the treatment he needs.
Letting go of the process has been very hard for me and I've second-guessed myself almost daily on the restraining order. But I realize that accepting steps 1-3 that I have taken care of my needs, restored much of my sanity, admitted that there is a problem and that my life was out of control, and turned over any control I thought I had by getting the restraining order. The restraining order gave us both the space that was needed to focus on ourselves and to confront our issues head-on. I don't know when I will hear from the facility or how he's doing or what my involvement (if any) will be in his recovery. I just need to focus on today and what I can control -- my work, my health, my safety and my daughter. It's strangely comforting and has been so much less stressful than the past 4 years. I'm hoping to use the time that we have apart to focus on my needs and wants and to get back to meetings.
Thanks for letting me get this all out and thank you for the tools I've kept with me over the last few years.
That's all you can do is take care of you and your daughter, and it sounds like you're doing exactly what's right for you with that in mind.
Hoping your AH gets the help he needs, as well, but it's so, so nice that YOU don't have to make it happen for him.
I too will pray for your AH and sending all of you positive thoughts and prayers. This disease is larger than life - hopefully he'll accept the help he's got in front of him.
Finally letting go is where most people land and say "it's hard" or "I can't" and they have so many reasons why they can't or so many reasons why it's hard, and more of that thinking. It's one version of our DENIAL. Of course it can be hard, but that should never be an insurmountable mountain that prevents us from trying, getting better, focusing on ourselves, and getting healthy. That's what we do -- little by slowly, if we do the work, we get better and we get healthy. It gets even harder when the alcoholic does not want or does not accept help that is made available to them. But that is the reality and that is what we too have to face and handle.
The best thing is that you did not do the legwork for him. You gave it to him to do. You allowed him to do it...IF he wanted to. That makes it his decision. I have so much respect and admiration for just that one move -- it was incredible -- and thank you for sharing that.
The bottom line -- he made his statement, not verbally, but made it clear -- he walked out of detox after two days. What more is there to "discuss" -- at least in the alcoholism sense of the word. The "discussions" are never really discussions.
I also admire and respect the restraining order. While it's sad that life arrives at that point, and it's never easy to do -- one's personal safety and protection, and even more that of a child, supersedes everything else.
Letting go, setting boundaries, enforcing them, etc. -- none of it is easy. Once we do it, it's very freeing, and very empowering. In my experience, most people in alanon aren't able to get to the empowering, because they struggle with continuing to let go, the boundaries, etc. I've found that if you struggle with letting go, it might be because you need to be more grounded in acceptance, surrender, and embracing that there is nothing, nothing, absolutely nothing we can do regarding anything to do with the alcoholic's drinking or getting them to quit. Second-guessing yourself is natural. It's very common. Don't beat yourself up. Go gentle unto yourself. Be gentle with yourself and clutch onto and build onto all the great progress you have made.
Boundaries are a work-in-progress type of tool. What is most important is to remember...the boundaries are FOR YOU. They are there to protect you, even when you don't feel like or think you need protection! While you both have the space needed to focus on yourselves, and each of your own respective recovery -- remember, he has his decision he has to make, every single day. It will be obvious to you. You may not want to see it, but it will be obvious. Keep doing what you are doing. Concentrate of sweeping your side of the street and keeping your side of the street clean...not his. Let him worry about his side of the street. That is his recovery...not yours.
You referenced "strangely comforting" -- isn't it? LOL. It's kind of weird at first, right? What do I do now that I have all this time and I am not a partner in the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc. How about I go out and get my life back!!!
Yes, get back to meetings. It's hard when you don't go and then crisis drags you back to meetings. For me, I view it as my mental gym. And, I go several times a week just to "work out" -- the alanon way!
Keep up the great work. Don't get distracted. You are doing great! And let him handle his recovery. You can be supportive, meaning encouraging and supportive in a morale kind of way...but you don't have to be and shouldn't be his partner in his recovery. Your involvement should be "minimal" at most. I went to family nights, and spouse sessions at rehabs and IOP's all over the country. I "kept my distance" so to speak, because she had to decide on her own what she wanted to do. I could not have any input on that. None. I could "hope" -- but in alanon they say "hope is a premeditated disappointment and resentment". I have long said...HIGH HOPES AND LOW EXPECTATIONS...and that keeps me safe, healthy, and prepared.
Stick with the winners. Meeting makers make it. Keep up the great work!!!
Great work! You took the steps necessary to relinquish another adult to doing what we are all supposed to be doing which is managing our own lives. It is empowering to work on accepting what we cant change (another person) and work on who we can change, (ourselves). The amount of time I found had on my hands when I handed my qualifiers life back to them to take care of was astounding. This is when I began to rely and trust that my higher power would take care of me. My qualifier continues to make many decisions that I do not like. I am better able to stand back now and keep my hands and nose out of it. Any and all change for her is generated through her own actions not mine.
Any and all change for me is generated by my own actions, not based on what another person is doing or not doing. I will always remain hopeful, loving and encouraging towards her to the best of my ability.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 24th of August 2018 01:11:54 AM
Awesome stuff SDB.
Your story is a great reminder to all of us that every situation is unique, and another healthy reminder as to why we are never in a position to give out advice, directly or indirectly, in these challenging situations. For what its worth, it sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do, for you and your daughter - kudos to you for that!
Now that you finally have some peace and serenity in your world, what a wonderful opportunity to get to work on you and your recovery in all of this.
Way to go, and keep on keeping on.
Tom
WOW...Is about All I Got... :) Only Because you are Living Proof this Program WORKS When We Work it, and Wow are you Working it... I Know Many that Struggle with Boundaries, and at times I Do too... But when we Stick to Our Guns, it's so Worth the Hell we went thru to Get there...
You are Doing Amazing, and I hope you have Given yourself Credit for that... This is Not Ever an Easy Road, but what an Inspiration you are to Many here sharing such a Triumph... Just Amazing :) Keep taking Care of You it Looks Good on You... One Day at a Time...
Keep Coming Back
Jozie
Wow SDB, I found your story inspiring. I'm glad I read it today.
When I am in the middle of a crisis and need to make decisions about what to do I get very concerned with what is the "right" decision. It is so hard to know for sure, maybe impossible to know because we can't predict the future. Looking back I did some things that I am not proud of, or things that I now think were mistakes. I also did things that I view as very good decisions, though I was not sure they were good ones at the time.
But I can say that I learned so much from all my mistakes, and also so much from my successes. Everything, the good and the bad, led me to a better place eventually, I think because I have been seeking that better place through program, my higher power and daily meditation. Meditation really helps my emotions to move toward the positive and away from the fear. I only do it for 15 minutes a day because I'm not THAT good, yet it helps me greatly and gives me a better perspective.
In my own story some of the decisions I made that seemed the harshest to my loved one, turning my back on him and turning him away, practicing detachment (not detachment with love, because I was not capable of that), stopping trying to help him with his problems, were the things that had better outcomes for me. He was forced to solve his own problems, and for a long time that did not go very well, but after years of addiction he now appears to be taking a positive turn. I am grateful for that because I do love him. But I know it can all be swept away into addiction again. He alone is in control of his life, not me. And I am now loving him from a distance, detachment with love.
The main thing I wanted to say here was the fact that I have learned a lot from all my decisions, good and "bad" ones. They all helped me to know better how to handle a difficult situation. And I wish you and your family peace, serenity, happiness, everything positive I can wish.
Peace & love
Thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement. I've spoken a few times to my AH since he's been in rehab. He sounds like he's doing well, but I'm finding now that I'm struggling with trust and actually believing what he's saying. I keep going through conversations we've had in the past and how he's actually said to me in a couples therapy session that sometimes he says what he knows I want to hear to get what he wants. I'm finding myself reverting into trying to pick apart his voice when he calls. I know he's in rehab and doesn't have any access to alcohol, but for some reason my mind keeps going there.
The rehab he's at is saying they're going to discharge after 14 days, which to me sounds nuts. Since I have the restraining order, they're giving me the runaround on family involvement and even education. I've got a call into someone else to find out why their program is so short, especially since I called our insurance and they assured me that if they deemed it medically necessary for him to be there longer, that they would fully cover treatment. So I'm hitting some anxiety as the supposed final week of his treatment begins.
Although my schedule has been all out of whack and I've had to parent my child while working full-time, my home has been more calm and safe than it's been in months and I'm scared to lose the little bit of serenity that I've found. They said that I should come prepared with boundaries and consequences for the family meeting that they're going to schedule on Sunday morning and now my mind is kind of reeling.
My mother, who has been an amazing support person in terms of helping me care for my daughter and sort out legal and financial issues, is being less than helpful when it comes to his possible discharge and the work that he's done (or not) while in rehab. I realize that I get a lot of the unhealthy "fixer" behaviors from her. My ex-step-father was an abusive alcoholic and her current partner of nearly 20 years has addiction issues. I actually had to text her yesterday to say that I'm trying to be positive and her texts were only stressing me out and I wasn't finding them helpful, so I was going to stop texting for a while.
I guess the pink cloud I had above my head last week has finally started to dissipate and the anxiety, worry and fear of the unknown is creeping back in.
I don't consider myself a spiritual person and I've always struggled with the higher power part of Al Anon. There's something about letting go and believing that something else out there will just take care of me that doesn't feel right to me. I can see how it would be comforting, but it's just not part of my belief system and I'm really struggling with that right now.
SDB
-- Edited by SDB on Tuesday 28th of August 2018 08:46:23 AM
After my Ex's 8 month program in a facility (yes, you read that right - he was very physically impacted by his disease), he is still living in his sober-living house. He can now look into his own living arrangements, and is currently doing so.
I don't see anything wrong about you inquiring what the "next step" is regarding treatment before this family meeting. Will there be access to a sober-living arrangement? Also, even if they don't offer that, you can lay down the requirement that you want to live separately for _____ weeks/months/ etc. before he comes back into the home. This will allow you more time to work on YOU. Perhaps begin attending Face 2 Face meetings for Al-Anon.
From my experience, 14 days is WAY too short. But, unless it is court ordered, no facility can keep a person there... they are allowed to walk at any time.
I know you feel overwhelmed... you are the breadwinner, you have a child & you have to deal with all of this as well. But I suggest taking the time to learn everything you can about Addiction. Alcoholism specifically. Not so you can change ANYTHING about your spouse. So that you can go into these meetings with knowledge of how this disease progresses. What the statistical outcomes are. The fact that qualifiers can get clean and sober, yet still exhibit all the "isms" of the disease. I say this b/c this is what lessened the feeling of FEAR of the unknown for me. It helped me to decide the next right step for ME.
Wishing you Peace this week!
I'm feeling less comfortable with him coming home given all the inconsistencies and I think one of my boundaries will be that he needs to start the meds before coming home.
I'm also trying to figure out boundaries around money. He had been unemployed for probably the last 8 years or so, however he had full access to our joint bank account and would routinely drain it when he'd go on binges on alcohol, at bars, on buying himself expensive gifts without considering our bills. What are boundaries that you've made around finances?
-SDB
It was not a cure-all by any means. He was just as irresponsible as he always was and as I said earlier, I still ended up footing the majority of our financial obligations because he'd still blow his whole paychecks on alcohol and any shiny object that caught his eye (clothing, gadgets, computer stuff, SCUBA gear, tools, toys, etc.)
As far as boundaries, I had to learn they were about me and not another. They are for protection and not to be punitive. With that in mind, and also feeling some freedom from the insanity/chaos of the disease, my boundaries got more specific with each treatment center experience. What I know now is that returning home for mine (sons) was not ever a good fit. For them mentally, home is often where they drank/drugged and it was too easy to fall back into habits/patterns of before. They've both had success while transitioning to a sober living home - and have tried then all - Oxford, Halfway, etc.
I got to the point where I said we would discuss/visit a return to the home for living after one year of sobriety.
I also had to be very specific - I started saying that this was a sober home, and there was no using here. So....smart as they are, they would not 'use' here, but they would possess and then take a walk to use. It became as simple as no alcohol allowed at any time for any reason.
I also have separate finances from my AH for the exact reasons as above. I have been very careful/guarded with my finances and was able to save and retire early. My AH - wants the latest/greatest toy here/now and blows through money like it's water. Getting our finances separated and keeping them so gave me tons of peace of mind.
Boundaries are way easier for me to consider if I am working with my sponsor and 'acting as if' I am helping another vs. my own loved one. There is no shame in defining a need as ability to split all finances 50/50 - I often ask myself what would another expect/need from me and/or what would be fair?
The only way I was able to manage my anxiety, fear and projection was meetings. When I couldn't get to a F2F meeting, I came here - twice a day for a long, long while. It grounded me greatly, calmed me down and kept me focused on One Day at a Time as well as just the here/now. I also had to accept that when I cared about the outcome or future of another more than they did, I was probably no longer on my side of the street!
Be gentle with you and try to just live for today. We had a huge sign around here for a long time that suggested that we needed to SEE CHANGE not just HEAR IT. Words mattered but actions were how we monitored adherence to rules...
Hope this helps (HTH) - as always, take what you like and leave the rest.
One of the slogans we hear in alanon is -- check your motives. What is it you are really trying to do, to accomplish? A change in the alcoholic? Or, a change in you?
In my experience, it all comes down to -- does the alcoholic want to get better or not. I don't mean what they are saying...I mean what they are doing. If their actions, minute to minute actions, are not congruent with their words, then their words are not authentic, not sincere. My wife went to multiple rehabs -- not just detox -- rehabs! Detox -- regardless of how many days -- is not the treatment plan for the arrestment of this disease. This disease, getting clean and sober, getting healthy, and living a life of recovery...is a process...and it is not a destination...it is a journey.
Detox is simply the very first step in that process. It is the very first step on that journey. Absent insurance parameters, detox almost always leads to rehab, inpatient rehab. If it doesn't, due to insurance, it leads to IOP. If it doesn't, again, due to insurance and it simply is discharge and done -- every detox I've ever encountered, both personally in dealing with my wife and a step-son, and professionally, all of them arm the patient with all of the resources that are available -- and the main focus of that is "Go to meetings!!!" LOL.
All of that is meaningless. It is about the alcoholic. Who are they being? In my experience, if an alcoholic wants to get better, it becomes the most important thing in the world to them -- their sobriety, staying clean and sober, is the most important thing in the world. They do whatever they have to. They do what they are told. They do whatever it takes. They don't do it their way, on their terms, in their time, part-time, they don't have excuses, and there is nothing to discuss. They are solely focused on one thing and one thing only -- staying clean and sober. Period.
So, what does that mean to you? What do you want to do? Well, my experience is that the alanon person has to have the same focus, the same desire, the same visceral existence -- to want to get better. The same applies to us. If we want to get better -- then what do we do? Well, part of our recovery -- is acceptance. Acceptance means the giving up of trying to control, negotiate, etc., the alcoholic and their drinking. It means giving up trying to control or change anything about them. If we give an ultimatum, we are trying to change them, control them, etc. If we set a boundary -- we are trying to protect ourselves! There is a massive difference between the two.
There are boundaries -- healthy ones -- you can implement around finances. It is the perfect topic to talk with a sponsor about, and have the insight and perspective of someone who knows you, your story, etc., and someone who can give you objectivity. That is a key ingredient, that in my experience, most people neglect.
All the best.
Another question that I have is about the higher power. As I mentioned earlier in this string, I'm not a particularly spiritual person. I don't have a belief that there's something out there watching out for me. I do think there's inherent good in people, but again I don't think there's something out there that has influence over my life. I would love to hear how people who don't consider themselves spiritual handle this higher power stuff. It's something I've struggled at for years in Al Anon.
--SDB
Keep coming back!
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EXCERPTED FROM CH. 11 OF "HOW AL-ANON WORKS"
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Al-Anon recovery is about reclaiming our own lives. We do this by learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help with our limitations. But many of us find it difficult even to begin this self-focused process because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others, especially the alcoholic. Having interceded for so long on the alcoholic's behalf, constantly reacting, worrying, pleasing, covering up, smoothing over, or bailing him or her out of trouble, we have often taken upon our shoulders responsibilities that don't rightfully belong to us.
The result is that we lose the sense of where we leave off and the alcoholic begins. We have become so enmeshed with another person's life and problems that we have lost the knowledge that we are separate individuals. When asked about ourselves, we often respond by talking about the alcoholic. We perceive ourselves to be so connected that, if something happens to the alcoholic, it seems only right, only natural, for us to respond.
Many of us even confuse this absence of personal boundaries with love and caring. For example, from the moment the alcoholic goes out the door, we sit, immobilized, unable to do anything but think obsessively about him or her. We lose the ability to distinguish between the alcoholic and ourselves until the alcoholic's past, current, and potential actions become our sole focus. This is not love; it's obsession. When we cease to live our own lives because we are so preoccupied with the lives of others, our behavior is motivated by fear. Not only is it harmful to a relationship to hover anxiously or suspiciously over a loved one night and day, it is also extremely self-destructive.
Likewise, when we cancel our own plans and stay home because we fear that the alcoholic will drink if left alone, we may protest that we act out of loving self-sacrifice for the sake of the alcoholic. More likely, it is an effort to feel that we have some power over the drinking. The choice to abandon our own plans for such a purpose is an act of fear, not an act of love. Canceling plans and staying home to avoid the consequences of "defying" the alcoholic is another form of self-abandonment and has nothing to do with love.
Genuine, healthy love isn't self-destructive. It doesn't diminish us or strip us of our identities, nor does it in any way diminish those we love. Love is nourishing; it allows each of us to be more fully ourselves. The enmeshment that characterizes an alcoholic relationship does just the opposite.
DETACHMENT
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Al-Anon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldn't take it personally or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead, in our minds, we would probably separate the person from the illness, knowing that it was the illness, rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behavior in our direction, we needn't take it any more personally than we would take the flu symptoms. It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies. If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of a person with a cold, we will no longer have to take those effects to heart.
Learning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to alcoholic behavior. In that moment we can ask ourselves, "Is this behavior coming from the person or the disease?" Although at first the answer may not be clear to us, in time it becomes easier to discern whether alcoholism or our friend or relative has prompted the disturbing behavior. This distinction makes us better able to emotionally distance ourselves from the behavior. We can remember that although alcoholics often surround themselves with crisis, chaos, fear, and pain, we need not play a part in the turmoil. Blaming others for the consequences of their own choices and acting out verbally or physically are some of the smokescreens that alcoholics use to conceal the real source of the troublealcoholism. Everyone's attention goes to the harsh word, the broken glass, or the bounced check rather than to the disease. It becomes automatic to defend against the insult, weep or rage at the thrown glass, scramble to cover the bounced check. But by naming the disease, we see through the alcoholic's smokescreen and therefore needn't be distracted by it at all. Instead of taking the behavior personally, in time we can learn to say to ourselves, "That's just alcoholism," and let it go.
Simply knowing that alcoholism is the source of the unacceptable behavior is not sufficient, however. We may have to take action to help us achieve greater emotional distance. We might change the subject, leave the room or even the house, or involve ourselves in some physically demanding activity. We may need the support or perspective that only a Sponsor or fellow Al-Anon member can provide. An Al-Anon call or meeting could be just what we need to help us separate ourselves from the symptoms and effects of the disease without separating ourselves from the human being.
At first, we might not detach very gracefully. Many of us have done so with resentment, bitter silence, or loud and angry condescension. It takes time and practice to master detachment. Beginning the process is important, even if we do it badly at first and must later make amends. But it is even more important to remember that establishing personal boundaries is not the same as building walls. Our goal is to heal ourselves and our relationships with other human beings, not to coldly distance ourselves, especially from the people who matter most to us. In fact, detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.
Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known.
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Thanks IAMHERE. That was a very helpful reading. I don't think I've heard detachment explained quite that way.
-SDB
All the ESH above will be helpful for you to create boundaries for YOU.
In regards to finances, this is what I did: Take what you want and leave the rest.
I told my spouse that I could not live a comfortable life worrying so much about finances. I did not mention all the times he would drain the account, etc. Moving forward, I want separate bank accounts, I told him. We went over the bills due each month, and decided we would pay 50 /50, but I was in charge of actually issuing the checks to pay the bills. Did I want to take on this responsibility? NO. But I had to realize that my spouse was incapable (for whatever reason at the time) and SOMEONE had to be the responsible adult.
Just my 2 cents, but I would state the boundary while he is in treatment, so that any anger over this boundary for YOU will be dealt with there... with people trained to do that.
Also, be fully aware that you will probably have to move forward having ZERO EXPECTATIONS of him meeting his half of those bills. It all depends if he is working his program. If he is, he'll see why this boundary is necessary. If he is not, he'll be in denial and say that it is unreasonable, you should treat him like an adult, blah, blah, blah. Don't back down from this... if there is only one thing I have learned, it is you can only control yourself, and you must protect your financial situation!
Wishing you peace today!
Hi SDB,
Going back to what you said about higher power...
When I started I felt similar to what you describe, I have progressed to a point where I know how I can have a higher power (but still have a hard time believing in a being out there that is focusing on helping me). It can be harder to figure that out when one is not so religious or spiritually inclined. But others in my face-to face Al-Anon groups gave me some ideas about it and I took what I liked!
I still think that meditation can be a skill or tool to use whether you have an idea of a higher power or just don't know. When I meditate I focus on deep, calm breathing which has a relaxing effect when I need that. Also I try to have a silent mind as much as I can when meditating, basically try to stop thinking. I have gotten better at just temporarily turning off my thoughts. This might seem like a strange thing to want to do, but it helps me when I want to be able to stop myself from obsessive worrying, stop having a negative thought track, be able to fall asleep, avoid saying things in the heat of the moment that I will later regret, and to generally practice a pause. There are many different approaches to meditation if you do a little research. And it's also a good time to try to focus on gratitude for those things we are appreciative of in our lives. I hope this is helpful because it does help me a lot.