Well things just get more interesting around here daily. My husband works at an arena and after his 3 week vacation he kept getting asked to take another week unpaid, 3 times to be exact. So he finally went back to work this week and not a moment too soon. That's when the electric company shut off their power for not paying their bills. They want $42 000 to turn it back on!!! Of course there is a fight with the city, the arena is asking for help and the city wants more control.
With all this going on hubby has been drinking more " because he's stressed". He has zero concept of saving money or rationing till you see what's happening. He believes another job will just fall in his lap. And thru all this I'm the one trying to save, stressing over money etc
Sorry I just needed to vent a little before the top of my head blew off. I'm trying to detach myself from the crazy as much as I can.
hotrod said
Aug 19, 2018
((Sufergirl)) prayers on the way
Bo said
Aug 19, 2018
When the disease of alcoholism "directly" impacts us, our family, etc. -- often, there is something needed. While we learn about detachment, minding our own business, and the like -- being "at risk" sometimes changes the situation. Is this something you can speak to your sponsor about? I see it as two-fold -- one, his "drinking more" because "he's stressed"; and two, the risk that you and your family may be at. You trying to save is of course prudent. Will that help -- anything can help. $1 of savings is $1 more than zero savings.
For me, the question of "detaching from the crazy" -- was that enough? Was that prudent? If the alcoholic is in denial about their drinking, I get that it's their business. But when they are in denial about money, paying bills, financial being at risk...we are no longer collateral damage, we are direct damage, directly in the line of fire.
I think your sponsor can help a great deal with this. All the best.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 20, 2018
Hugs, SG!!
Direct line of fire... yes, Bo said it well. Easy to detach when the crazy involves "only" the drinker, but when it came to affecting bills being paid, food not on table, that is where I drew the line. It was my bottom.
sending you prayers!
tiredtonite said
Aug 20, 2018
I'm sorry for you both. Life on life's terms can be really difficult for active alcoholics. More drinking is the answer for coping with a frightening situation. I'd bet this doesn't come as a surprise to you. Maybe you've seen how he responds to a crisis or potential crisis in the past. How can you take care of yourself? You have your Alanon toolbox to work with which is good. The slogan First Things First usually comes to mind for me when things like this happen. What do I need to take care of that might keep things from snowballing and ultimately rip at my serenity and sanity. I hope you won't put doing nurturing and loving things for yourself as an afterthought. Time with my hp always helps for sorting things out and making a game plan. Deep breaths, the serenity prayer and a prayer for help to respond vs react in crisis situations is always necessary for me. I hope something here is helpful. Keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
Bo said
Aug 20, 2018
You know, upon further thought, I see that while we focus on us and all that goes along with it -- his job, his stress, etc., is his. You have to deal with the fallout and byproduct of that. You can't go to work for him, LOL. The tools of alanon can help you with that. I for one have always been grateful for that. However, the other part of this...the part of it that is...with all this going on...he's drinking more...because he's stressed out...OK, I got it.
My wife has plenty of excuses for drinking more. Some of the excuses were factually correct -- there was something stressful going on for example -- however, my wife was turning to a solution, a treatment, a self-medication, etc.; in which she had a problem with, in which she suffered from a disease. Just her saying she didn't, well, that didn't make it OK. That didn't make it so. Being factually correct doesn't change the fact that it is still an excuse, denial, her drinking impacts me, bothers me, and so on. I am not supposed to be OK with this solution -- her drinking more. Here too, I have my program. My program doesn't tell me to accept the unacceptable.
Whether it's his drinking or not -- you still have the financial element. Would it be easier to deal with a person who was not drinking? I don't mean someone who is sober. I mean a person who isn't drinking in general, a drinker, etc.? Maybe yes, maybe no. After all is said and done, all the distractions, deflections, denial, excuses, discussions, etc. There is still a one ton pink elephant in the room.
My point...the drinking certainly doesn't help.
Surfergirl said
Aug 20, 2018
Lol you are right Bo I can't go to work for him. I'm trying to let him feel the effects of what is happening. I used to shelter him from that kind of thing like a mother would do. Like tonight he wanted to order dinner so I told him that was not feasible with our current situation. He was of course annoyed but it is what it is!
I'm hoping there will be a favourable out one tonight when the committee meets with the city but I can tell he wants to use this as an excuse to change jobs. He has been complaining about work more and more lately. I have been saving money since he started that talk so I have accumulated a small safety net for myself...for me, not for beer. I have to remember to take care of myself first which is completely unnatural for me but I'm learning.
Thank you all for your prayers â¤ï¸
Bo said
Aug 20, 2018
You are not trying to let him feel the effects of what is happening by being punitive. You are not trying to punish him. Allowing an alcoholic to feel, see, recognize, realize, the consequences of their own actions and decisions is NOT automatically you punishing them. Check your motives. They sound authentic. They sound genuine. You are doing great!
His job is his job. You have to deal with the fallout. You have to handle it -- it being the impact it has on you and your family. Your safety net being for the family, for you, for bills, for living -- and not for beer -- is authentic.
Alanon teaches us self-care. Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves. Alanon teaches us to let the alcoholic do what they are going to do. When what they are going to do has a direct and serious impact on us -- that's when we have to work through that. Me, I talk to my sponsor. I get another's input, perspective, guidance, etc.
Keep up the good work.
JerryF said
Aug 20, 2018
Surfer Girl Only one of the inventory steps I took when I was in the situation where "we" were dealing with the consequences of drinking and using and all connected came from the Al-Anon question, "What is your part in it"? I hated what was going to come up as a result because I was going to see all of the decisions I made for the situation to include me. Yeppers I could blame my alcoholic/addict wife and treat her as a "bad" woman rather than a sick one who I chose to have in my life. I went with what Al-Anon was trying to teach me and made a list of what I was responsible for and how I would handle it. I was fair to her and also myself and the solutions I came up with were fair, honest and just, even the ones when the bills from the hospital arrived and when the bank came to take her car all of which were also in her name. I worked on it with the focus that I was dealing with a disease and sick person and not an intentionally bad person or in my case a "bitch". Her choices to get clean and sober were hers as where her choices to get employed and stay employed. It was dicey because of my wanting to hold her personally for a fatal disease that was running in spite of any thing else. I had to arrive at tough love which was a real growth for me because saved us both. Great share. (((Hugs)))
Surfergirl said
Aug 21, 2018
A meeting was held last night between the committee and the city. We're still waiting to her the final results of that meeting though I doubt anything will be resolved this week.
I've taken steps to protect myself and make sure that regardless of what he decides I will be ok...not great but ok. If that's all I can do right now then I am fine with that.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 21, 2018
Surfergirl, kudos to you for being proactive about your serenity! I applaud you for making sure you have the money tucked away... 'not for beer' as you say, but to help carry THE FAMILY should your spouse's decisions not be the most prudent at this time!!
Living in the uncertainty is so very difficult! You are taking "the next right step." Hugs to you SG!!!
JerryF said
Aug 21, 2018
Awesome attitude position...you will be okay...so yes you will be. Let go and let God. Best wishes on the way. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Aug 21, 2018
Good on you for self-care - I see recovery in action and it looks awesome on you! (((Hugs)))
Maresie said
Aug 23, 2018
One day I didn't jump in.and pay the bills. I acted really nonchalant about it
That was life changing for me
Surfergirl said
Aug 23, 2018
Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. Yesterday I started to get really stressed out about finances etc and then poof! Divine intervention. My arena once again has power of my husband was back to work this morning. I am very well aware though that this is just a patch on their financial bleeding so I'm going to continue to save what I can and set myself up to be safe and comfortable.
Once again you all saved my sanity â¤ï¸
For me, the question of "detaching from the crazy" -- was that enough? Was that prudent? If the alcoholic is in denial about their drinking, I get that it's their business. But when they are in denial about money, paying bills, financial being at risk...we are no longer collateral damage, we are direct damage, directly in the line of fire.
I think your sponsor can help a great deal with this. All the best.
Direct line of fire... yes, Bo said it well. Easy to detach when the crazy involves "only" the drinker, but when it came to affecting bills being paid, food not on table, that is where I drew the line. It was my bottom.
sending you prayers!
My wife has plenty of excuses for drinking more. Some of the excuses were factually correct -- there was something stressful going on for example -- however, my wife was turning to a solution, a treatment, a self-medication, etc.; in which she had a problem with, in which she suffered from a disease. Just her saying she didn't, well, that didn't make it OK. That didn't make it so. Being factually correct doesn't change the fact that it is still an excuse, denial, her drinking impacts me, bothers me, and so on. I am not supposed to be OK with this solution -- her drinking more. Here too, I have my program. My program doesn't tell me to accept the unacceptable.
Whether it's his drinking or not -- you still have the financial element. Would it be easier to deal with a person who was not drinking? I don't mean someone who is sober. I mean a person who isn't drinking in general, a drinker, etc.? Maybe yes, maybe no. After all is said and done, all the distractions, deflections, denial, excuses, discussions, etc. There is still a one ton pink elephant in the room.
My point...the drinking certainly doesn't help.
His job is his job. You have to deal with the fallout. You have to handle it -- it being the impact it has on you and your family. Your safety net being for the family, for you, for bills, for living -- and not for beer -- is authentic.
Alanon teaches us self-care. Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves. Alanon teaches us to let the alcoholic do what they are going to do. When what they are going to do has a direct and serious impact on us -- that's when we have to work through that. Me, I talk to my sponsor. I get another's input, perspective, guidance, etc.
Keep up the good work.
Surfer Girl Only one of the inventory steps I took when I was in the situation where "we" were dealing with the consequences of drinking and using and all connected came from the Al-Anon question, "What is your part in it"? I hated what was going to come up as a result because I was going to see all of the decisions I made for the situation to include me. Yeppers I could blame my alcoholic/addict wife and treat her as a "bad" woman rather than a sick one who I chose to have in my life. I went with what Al-Anon was trying to teach me and made a list of what I was responsible for and how I would handle it. I was fair to her and also myself and the solutions I came up with were fair, honest and just, even the ones when the bills from the hospital arrived and when the bank came to take her car all of which were also in her name. I worked on it with the focus that I was dealing with a disease and sick person and not an intentionally bad person or in my case a "bitch". Her choices to get clean and sober were hers as where her choices to get employed and stay employed. It was dicey because of my wanting to hold her personally for a fatal disease that was running in spite of any thing else. I had to arrive at tough love which was a real growth for me because saved us both. Great share. (((Hugs)))
Living in the uncertainty is so very difficult! You are taking "the next right step." Hugs to you SG!!!
Awesome attitude position...you will be okay...so yes you will be. Let go and let God. Best wishes on the way. (((hugs)))