Hi, so I am struggling with this one and could do with your experience. Prior to all my rubbish with ah, we would usually share a bottle of wine on a Friday night (normally the only time I drink). Since I came home from my awful holiday I haven't had a drink at all because I haven't wanted to.
My husband has brought a bottle of wine home tonight. If I share the bottle with him then I feel like I would be reverting to old controlling habits (necking half a bottle of wine to stop him having too much and becoming difficult). On the other hand, I quite fancy a glass. Like I said, I haven't had one for ages and it would be quite relaxing.
I feel strange about drinking now for some reason, am I enabling him or am I just doing what I fancy?
Bo said
Aug 17, 2018
In my situation, I had a boundary. I would not drink "with" my wife. She was an alcoholic. If I drank with her, I was contributing and I was enabling. I won't do that. My circumstances may be different than yours or anyone else's. However, for me, based upon what had developed up to that point...drinking with her, whether she brought it home or I did (and I was already not bringing alcohol home for her)...was me contributing to the overall problem that existed. It was contributing to the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc that was present in our lives. Even if it wasn't that moment or even that night. Nope. Not me!
I drank. I still drink. I just didn't drink with her. I would buy my own alcohol and I would drink when I wanted to -- but not if she was there and drinking. Further, when she would see me drinking, and she would start drinking, I would stop, and leave the room.
I guess my feeling is that I can do what I like -- I just have to do it when, where, and how I am comfortable. And, I was not going to violate my boundary and drink with her.
A nother said
Aug 17, 2018
Thanks Bo!
Bo said
Aug 17, 2018
You are welcome.
Remember, everyone's situation could be very different. My wife got angry at me beyond belief because I wouldn't drink with her. Even if it was one drink. She got angrier and angrier. It didn't matter to me. I had my boundary. Drinking with her was not healthy for me. It was not good for me. It was me contributing and enabling. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't violate my boundary. Then, next, I would not let her getting angrier and angrier at me change me, my position, my boundary, or anything. I did not people please. I did not cave him. I did what I needed to do for me to be OK, better, healthy. Period.
Also, remember, my wife did not have a problem according to her, so me not drinking with her was me abandoning our marriage, quality time, intimacy, etc.
Like I always say...opinions vary.
Freetime said
Aug 17, 2018
In my experience, my having a glass of wine, or not, had no influence at all on whether my husband drank. I realized this because, for a while, I did not drink at all when with him. I thought this was an act of solidarity with his abstinence, which he'd told his doctor he would do. Later I discovered that after a short period of abstinence he had resumed drinking, but secretly, so my solidarity had no effect whatsoever.
tiredtonite said
Aug 17, 2018
I think it's a personal choice. If you have no problem with alcohol and want a drink what would be keeping your from having one? I guess I would ask myself if I have a particular motivation concerning drinking with my husband. If you have concerns about overdrinking as you mentioned in your post as a way of preventing him from drinking more, Alanon program would consider that trying to control his drinking.
Another thing that is common among us is to share a bottle as a way of having a connection, some sense of intimacy with the drinker. For some it may seem like the only way to get some attention from an alcoholic. Some alcoholics don't enjoy drinking alone. It can become a shared ritual between spouses. Whether you have a glass or half the bottle, isn't going to influence the amount he drinks. Alcoholics will always find a way to get their substance needs met.
The finger always points back to ourselves and our own motivation for the actions we take. I guess I would ask myself what I am getting out of it. If it's nothing more than the glass of wine itself, then you are a non alcoholic having a glass of wine. You could choose to have that glass from a bottle he buys, you buy, in a bar or from a friend of yours.
If there is something more involved in sharing the bottle he buys with him, you may want to look at the whats and whys of that by using the Alanon program. If you find that necessary to do, you may have more of a sense of if the decision honors you. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of August 2018 04:57:42 PM
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2018
I have never had to face this scenario as I am in AA recovery. I can share that there are many in my family that abuse alcohol and other substances and if I suggested I would not be 'present' when they were drinking/using, I would spend many holidays alone.
I have a dry home - I don't buy alcohol nor do I allow it (have made exceptions twice) as a general rule. My mother (probably drinks too much) buys wine to take to gatherings/holidays, but she's not allowed to drink it here. My sons also know my boundary.
I believe that if you opt to have a glass of wine (or 2) it's just that - a person having a glass of wine. It has been my experience that what you do will not affect any change on what another does - today, tomorrow, later. Especially if your AH is an alcoholic. You are not enabling or anything else - simply stated, you are having a glass of wine. Your choice....when we create healthy boundaries, they are for our protection, not punishment for another. It took me a while to figure this out, especially in what I felt were sticky situations. Unfortunately, for me, most of those sticky situations existed in my brain by overthinking, assuming, etc.
You got this! Do what you want to do and let go of the results. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Aug 17, 2018
i refuse to keep people company while they are drinking. When my hubby enteredAA i decided not to drink in front of him so as not to be blamed if he relapsed I am so pleased I did this.
Bo said
Aug 17, 2018
Betty, I can certainly understand that, especially with a spouse. As they say, relapse is always an arms-length away.
Thanks for posting this.
serenity47 said
Aug 17, 2018
I am not comfortable having a drink in the presence of my daughter. Drinking practically destroyed her life and caused me a ton of worry therefore it is simply something that I am not comfortable doing in her presence. It was and still is a bigger deal for her then it ever was for me. We have discussed it and she said it made her feel singled out when I didn't have a glass of wine or something if we went out to dinner.. I explained that it had nothing to do with her , it was my decision based on what felt most comfortable for me and that drinking around her felt wrong to me. , I could take or leave it one way or the other.. Of course, being an alcoholic she laughed and said she couldn't imagine ever taking or leaving alcohol only taking lol. We kept it light and I stuck to my boundary.
A nother said
Aug 18, 2018
Thanks for the responses. Tired tonight, I think that the Friday night wine thing has become a ritual for us, and in the past we would talk and talk over the wine. Looking back, I enjoyed it because that was when we really connected. He would really pay attention to me. Back then, he would only have his share of the bottle. Now he has that and sneaks extra for when I've gone to bed.
I did have some wine last night with him. it didn't help with the silence.
I'm so grateful for your replies though. I'm armed for next time.
He is taking the children for'contact' with his mum today. I am going to a steps meeting. I have to say, I'm actually looking forward to it. I am determined not to cry!
mamalioness said
Aug 18, 2018
I could not control how much..how often...who much alcohol my EX AH drank...it was his choice all the way...there were times I wanted a wine cooler or a cold beer.... I drank it...I lived my life for ME...however, that said, IF he were in recovery, I would not do that "dangle the meat in front of the wolf" but he was NOT in recovery and chose NOT to get into AA...so I did as I pleased, within reason, of course because I had no control nor did I have any right to his choices....so yea, I had a beer or a wine cooler when I felt the desire....
Aloha said
Aug 20, 2018
Alcoholics are going to drink whether we drink with them or not. We don't have that kind of power.
I choose not to drink for myself. My family has a long history of alcoholism and I feel I'm playing Russian Roulette any time I drink some alcohol. I'd rather not chance it. There are other ways for me to wind down and relax if I feel that's what I need.
Bo said
Aug 20, 2018
I don't know that this is about trying to control someone's drinking, as it is about the self-set standard of what one is comfortable with. Yes, I realize there is a control element to this. To me, this is a "check your motives" discussion. In my experience, if one is completely open and honest with themselves, and another, like their sponsor, so that there is objectivity...then it is easy to determine...is my drinking with the alcoholic an effort for me to control their drinking, the amount, etc. Plain and simple. Keep it simple. LOL.
If that is not the motive...and if you simply enjoy having a drink, or two...then you are enjoying a drink, the company, etc. If "old habits" come out, well, interestingly, they are coming out after you have a drink, or two. Perhaps a drink or two is a trigger in certain circumstances. We hear about the slippery slope. I completely get that NOTHING we do, say, or whatever, will change whether or not the alcoholic drinks or how much they drink. Period.
For me, after, after, after I found recovery -- I would not drink with my wife. Not because of any concerns or fears that it was because I was wanting or trying to control. I had already given up 100% of any will, control, efforts, and so on. After I found recovery -- I would never make an effort to control or even have any involvement with her drinking. None. Zero. No fear there. It was simply appropriateness for me. It is inappropriate. For me, it was enabling and perpetuating. I don't want to do anything -- anything -- that has to do with her drinking. I like drinking. I still drank. I just didn't and wouldn't drink with her. I am not looking to connect with her when she's drinking. I wasn't desperate for the connection, seeking the connection. I wasn't looking to be intimate with her. I wasn't looking to "enjoy" or bond with her over drinking. I sat outside on the deck and had a drink, when she wasn't around, and even when she was. I didn't hide it from her. I just wouldn't do it with her. I viewed her drinking as a problem. She didn't. We just disagreed. However, based upon my position...opinion...that her drinking was a problem, and more importantly, was a problem for me...I wouldn't drink with her.
JerryF said
Aug 21, 2018
Short and sweet Aloha...Simple does it and simple is now what I do after many years and learning experiences in Al-Anon, AA and College and as a therapist. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical that affects everyone it comes into contact with and it manufactures lies; very many which increases it's power to control that everyone it comes into contact with.
Alcoholism is a disease....it is not a moral issue. Once I drink it, it is in control no matter how I feel or how I think.
The shortest distance between me and my next affect is the distance between the back of my tongue and my central nervous system, about 2 inches at the most and then alcohol will get into each and every area of my body.
I have two best responses to being offered alcohol...."No" which is a complete sentence and "No Thanks" "I've had enough". and then I go on to enjoy the party. (((hugs)))
sunmustshine said
Aug 22, 2018
I do not let my ah impact my decision to have a glass of wine or not. If I explore the motivation for solidarity, it would truly be control. I would be taking an action to cause (or prevent) someone elseās actions. I do not have that much power to control another. Further, it makes no sense to avoid a glass of wine I would prefer at dinner, in a restaurant full of people drinking. Alcohol is everywhere. One person not drinking doesnāt change anything. An alcolic doesnāt stay sober because of someone else. He or she stays sober because of a personal resolve. I think in the end staying on my side of the street is best. That doesnāt mean I canāt tell my ah I admire his great work from time to time. I think this means more to him then it would for me to put a focus on my own consumption. It took me 18 years to realize my actions donāt control my ahās drinking. I now live free of this misunderstanding across the board. I made every mistake in the book trying to control my husbandās drinking/supporting his sobriety (trying to keep him from drinking) before Alanon, including this one. Serenity prayer says it all.
Hi, so I am struggling with this one and could do with your experience. Prior to all my rubbish with ah, we would usually share a bottle of wine on a Friday night (normally the only time I drink). Since I came home from my awful holiday I haven't had a drink at all because I haven't wanted to.
My husband has brought a bottle of wine home tonight. If I share the bottle with him then I feel like I would be reverting to old controlling habits (necking half a bottle of wine to stop him having too much and becoming difficult). On the other hand, I quite fancy a glass. Like I said, I haven't had one for ages and it would be quite relaxing.
I feel strange about drinking now for some reason, am I enabling him or am I just doing what I fancy?
I drank. I still drink. I just didn't drink with her. I would buy my own alcohol and I would drink when I wanted to -- but not if she was there and drinking. Further, when she would see me drinking, and she would start drinking, I would stop, and leave the room.
I guess my feeling is that I can do what I like -- I just have to do it when, where, and how I am comfortable. And, I was not going to violate my boundary and drink with her.
You are welcome.
Remember, everyone's situation could be very different. My wife got angry at me beyond belief because I wouldn't drink with her. Even if it was one drink. She got angrier and angrier. It didn't matter to me. I had my boundary. Drinking with her was not healthy for me. It was not good for me. It was me contributing and enabling. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't violate my boundary. Then, next, I would not let her getting angrier and angrier at me change me, my position, my boundary, or anything. I did not people please. I did not cave him. I did what I needed to do for me to be OK, better, healthy. Period.
Also, remember, my wife did not have a problem according to her, so me not drinking with her was me abandoning our marriage, quality time, intimacy, etc.
Like I always say...opinions vary.
I think it's a personal choice. If you have no problem with alcohol and want a drink what would be keeping your from having one? I guess I would ask myself if I have a particular motivation concerning drinking with my husband. If you have concerns about overdrinking as you mentioned in your post as a way of preventing him from drinking more, Alanon program would consider that trying to control his drinking.
Another thing that is common among us is to share a bottle as a way of having a connection, some sense of intimacy with the drinker. For some it may seem like the only way to get some attention from an alcoholic. Some alcoholics don't enjoy drinking alone. It can become a shared ritual between spouses. Whether you have a glass or half the bottle, isn't going to influence the amount he drinks. Alcoholics will always find a way to get their substance needs met.
The finger always points back to ourselves and our own motivation for the actions we take. I guess I would ask myself what I am getting out of it. If it's nothing more than the glass of wine itself, then you are a non alcoholic having a glass of wine. You could choose to have that glass from a bottle he buys, you buy, in a bar or from a friend of yours.
If there is something more involved in sharing the bottle he buys with him, you may want to look at the whats and whys of that by using the Alanon program. If you find that necessary to do, you may have more of a sense of if the decision honors you. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 17th of August 2018 04:57:42 PM
I have a dry home - I don't buy alcohol nor do I allow it (have made exceptions twice) as a general rule. My mother (probably drinks too much) buys wine to take to gatherings/holidays, but she's not allowed to drink it here. My sons also know my boundary.
I believe that if you opt to have a glass of wine (or 2) it's just that - a person having a glass of wine. It has been my experience that what you do will not affect any change on what another does - today, tomorrow, later. Especially if your AH is an alcoholic. You are not enabling or anything else - simply stated, you are having a glass of wine. Your choice....when we create healthy boundaries, they are for our protection, not punishment for another. It took me a while to figure this out, especially in what I felt were sticky situations. Unfortunately, for me, most of those sticky situations existed in my brain by overthinking, assuming, etc.
You got this! Do what you want to do and let go of the results. (((Hugs)))
Thanks for posting this.
I did have some wine last night with him. it didn't help with the silence.
I'm so grateful for your replies though. I'm armed for next time.
He is taking the children for'contact' with his mum today. I am going to a steps meeting. I have to say, I'm actually looking forward to it. I am determined not to cry!
I could not control how much..how often...who much alcohol my EX AH drank...it was his choice all the way...there were times I wanted a wine cooler or a cold beer.... I drank it...I lived my life for ME...however, that said, IF he were in recovery, I would not do that "dangle the meat in front of the wolf" but he was NOT in recovery and chose NOT to get into AA...so I did as I pleased, within reason, of course because I had no control nor did I have any right to his choices....so yea, I had a beer or a wine cooler when I felt the desire....
I choose not to drink for myself. My family has a long history of alcoholism and I feel I'm playing Russian Roulette any time I drink some alcohol. I'd rather not chance it. There are other ways for me to wind down and relax if I feel that's what I need.
If that is not the motive...and if you simply enjoy having a drink, or two...then you are enjoying a drink, the company, etc. If "old habits" come out, well, interestingly, they are coming out after you have a drink, or two. Perhaps a drink or two is a trigger in certain circumstances. We hear about the slippery slope. I completely get that NOTHING we do, say, or whatever, will change whether or not the alcoholic drinks or how much they drink. Period.
For me, after, after, after I found recovery -- I would not drink with my wife. Not because of any concerns or fears that it was because I was wanting or trying to control. I had already given up 100% of any will, control, efforts, and so on. After I found recovery -- I would never make an effort to control or even have any involvement with her drinking. None. Zero. No fear there. It was simply appropriateness for me. It is inappropriate. For me, it was enabling and perpetuating. I don't want to do anything -- anything -- that has to do with her drinking. I like drinking. I still drank. I just didn't and wouldn't drink with her. I am not looking to connect with her when she's drinking. I wasn't desperate for the connection, seeking the connection. I wasn't looking to be intimate with her. I wasn't looking to "enjoy" or bond with her over drinking. I sat outside on the deck and had a drink, when she wasn't around, and even when she was. I didn't hide it from her. I just wouldn't do it with her. I viewed her drinking as a problem. She didn't. We just disagreed. However, based upon my position...opinion...that her drinking was a problem, and more importantly, was a problem for me...I wouldn't drink with her.
Short and sweet Aloha...Simple does it and simple is now what I do after many years and learning experiences in Al-Anon, AA and College and as a therapist. Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical that affects everyone it comes into contact with and it manufactures lies; very many which increases it's power to control that everyone it comes into contact with.
Alcoholism is a disease....it is not a moral issue. Once I drink it, it is in control no matter how I feel or how I think.
The shortest distance between me and my next affect is the distance between the back of my tongue and my central nervous system, about 2 inches at the most and then alcohol will get into each and every area of my body.
I have two best responses to being offered alcohol...."No" which is a complete sentence and "No Thanks" "I've had enough". and then I go on to enjoy the party. (((hugs)))