He's gone to the pub again. I've been working so hard to get better at this, I fully accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I'm acting as if it's fine that he's gone to the pub on his own again, but I'm sooo anxious! I've written my diary, gone through the questions in step 1. But now he is on the grog again I'm a mess.
I've no ironing to do. The freezer is full of frozen lasagna.
Why oh why can't I do this????
Jozie said
Aug 15, 2018
(((A Nother)))
You are Doing this... So don't beat yourself up to bad...
When I've Found myself in Similar spots, I take that time to Remind myself I need to Stay in THIS Moment... For me some things that Helped was, Going to a Face to Face meeting, Sharing my Feelings with a Trusted Friend, Making myself Busy was a lot of Help for me too... Whether it Be Clean out the Fridge, Laundry, Yard work what ever would take my Mind off What They was Doing... And Paying more attention to what I'm doing.
For me when They was Gone, I would do things that Normally I wouldn't do while they are Home... Like... Go for a Walk, a Bike Ride... Take my Camera out and Take Pictures of Nature, Walk along the River/Stream, Go to the Park... Take Myself out to Dinner and or Treat myself to Ice Cream :) BUSY... Because at the end of the Day, I was Tired, and Slept instead of Worrying, when they would return..
This stuff is Tough, But you are Doing Just Fine... Turning our Focus on Ourselves, Can Change the Direction of Our Life in incredible ways.. Even Baby Steps :) Thoughts & Prayers lifting you in Peace & Peace of Mind...
Take what you Like and Leave the Rest
Jozie
A nother said
Aug 15, 2018
Thanks Jozie.
Quite right. I need to focus on me!
I've just been thinking about how I used to react (3 weeks ago), and I'd try to put some sort of 'punishment' in place. No sex, threaten to leave, not talk to him, catty comments etc. I think at the moment I'm coming to terms with my loss of power (I know, I didn't actually have any, he didn't care and my 'punishment' never lasted long. The point is, by accepting that I can't change him, those kinds of thoughts are useless. There is no way of making myself feel better by thinking that I'm going to get even! How crazy is that?!
I genuinely don't want this marriage. I've moved into the spare room. We are obviously not having intimate anything. There is nothing to do but focus on me.
-- Edited by A nother on Wednesday 15th of August 2018 04:29:08 PM
mamalioness said
Aug 15, 2018
Hey (((A nother)))) Jozie said it all...great ESH , so I'll just stop by and leave an encouraging hug and tell you that you are HERE..you are doing progress....Be loving and gentle with you...You deserve it....I'm so sorry you're riding out this bad patch, but this too shall pass...when its right (timing) you will know what to do regarding what is the next right and best thing to do for you..........IN SUPPORT
a4l said
Aug 15, 2018
Time takes time. Sending you hugs. I don't think I got past the anger until I accepted he had a disease. Alanon and AA helped me with this. It is like he fell off his pedestal and started to look like a human being. I can still get triggered. Even just as friends in different countries he really pisses me off sometimes but then when I step back and look at it....I feel a detached compassion. It isn't really that fun being an alcoholic. And look at what passes for company in a pub. I swear drunks can have the same conversation for forty years. Boring, lol! I'm not sure if you are house bound with chilldren, I think you are? But seeing as how dinner is taken care of,(well done BTW, freezing multiple dinners has been on my to do list for YEARS), there are perhaps walks to be had, and movie/book collections to build. Our library had both and it was free for books and about $3 max for weekly movie hire. Just a suggestion. Enjoy your ah free time as much as you can and take care.
tiredtonite said
Aug 15, 2018
(((A nother)))) You are doing it. It takes time and it's hard not to worry. It sounds like you are doing a lot of work around the house and your program. How about a break from working it all so hard? You deserve something relaxing. It's part of self care in Alanon to do things we enjoy that are just for ourselves. I hope you can find something like that to help you feel better. Sometimes that can be something as simple being with a family pet to calm ourselves. I'm so sorry you are having all of this anxiety. It will pass, honestly. Also, the online meeting here is a good place to be with others who care about how you are doing and get a meeting. TT
Bo said
Aug 15, 2018
A nother wrote:
He's gone to the pub again. I've been working so hard to get better at this, I fully accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I'm acting as if it's fine that he's gone to the pub on his own again, but I'm sooo anxious! I've written my diary, gone through the questions in step 1. But now he is on the grog again I'm a mess.
I've no ironing to do. The freezer is full of frozen lasagna.
Why oh why can't I do this????
A nother, you are working hard -- and you are doing this. I am not sure what your "goal" is -- but you are being very hard on yourself. Go gentle unto yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Stop beating yourself up. It took you a certain period of time to get "here" (where you are), and it will take a period of time for you to "get out" from where you are. That said, you fully accept...but you are "acting" as if it's fine he's gone to the pub on his own again. So, you're acting.
Being fine needs to be sincere, authentic -- you need to really be OK with him going, one, because you are truly and complete in a place of acceptance. Total acceptance. You accept that he has a disease, and that you are not the cure, nothing you can say or do will cure or fix him and his drinking. There is no cure. Two, because you are detached, both physically and emotionally. Three, because you have surrendered to the fact that there is nothing you can do about his drinking. So, focus on YOU. You are acting as if you are fine with it -- but you are not -- you are sooo anxious. Anxious about what? Specifically. Look at what you are anxious about -- what is it? Are you worried or scared about him falling down and hitting his head? Are you worried or scared he might meet a woman and cheat on you? Are you worried or scared he is going to spend all of the family money and the bills won't be paid? What exactly, specifically, are you anxious about? Why are you a mess? When you say you can't do this...what can't you do? Ignore it? Accept it? Be OK and at peace with it?
Look at you. Focus on YOU.
Try and get to meetings. I know it's hard. I go to meetings, and I make it a priority. Some people take medication. It keeps them healthy and safe. Some people go to the gym, or go jogging, it keeps them healthy and in "good shape" and some people go to therapy, it helps them and keeps them healthy and safe. I go to alanon. I go to meetings. They are my mental gym. They help me, and keep me healthy -- on track, thinking in a healthy way, living in a healthy way -- and safe. And, you are doing it. Little by slowly. Baby steps at first. Be patient. You are making progress. He is not. So, perhaps you don't feel or recognize your progress, because you are still focused on him. Keep going. Keep trying. Keep doing it.
Iamhere said
Aug 15, 2018
(((A nother))) - I read your topic title, and what popped into my mind is because this is exactly how this disease affects us!! It is hard and painful to love another with this disease yet, I (like others have suggested) see you embracing recovery, practicing the program and having progress - that's all we ever chase in recovery - progress.
I recall the first day that I had not spend the entire waking moments obsessing about the disease or the diseased. I review my day each evening, and I made the realization and then immediately felt guilt/remorse. I had to call my sponsor and have a discussion because having a 'well day' in the middle of the chaos felt wrong and unnatural and selfish! She assured me that making choices that were healthy and productive were NOT wrong and/or selfish - it's the disease that makes me mind 'go there'.
So, just keep doing you and keep leaning in. Keep sharing here, and if F2F meetings aren't an option, like TT suggests, the online meetings here do offer support, fellowship and ESH from others who truly understand and may have similar experiences.
Bo said
Aug 15, 2018
A nother wrote:
Thanks Jozie.
Quite right. I need to focus on me!
I've just been thinking about how I used to react (3 weeks ago), and I'd try to put some sort of 'punishment' in place. No sex, threaten to leave, not talk to him, catty comments etc. I think at the moment I'm coming to terms with my loss of power (I know, I didn't actually have any, he didn't care and my 'punishment' never lasted long. The point is, by accepting that I can't change him, those kinds of thoughts are useless. There is no way of making myself feel better by thinking that I'm going to get even! How crazy is that?!
I genuinely don't want this marriage. I've moved into the spare room. We are obviously not having intimate anything. There is nothing to do but focus on me.
-- Edited by A nother on Wednesday 15th of August 2018 04:29:08 PM
There's your progress...look at what you were trying to do and doing three weeks ago, and look at what you are trying and doing now. That's progress. You're right, you never had any power here, over this, etc. By accepting you can't change him -- those thoughts should be freeing. They shouldn't be useless. Complete and total acceptance that you can't change him -- not just accepting it intellectually -- but at your core, allows you to give up your efforts of trying to change him. It frees you up from thinking about it, thinking about him, all those efforts, all the ideas that could get him to stop, and so on.
When we check our motives, or we discover something, because of our thoughts -- we can often find that we are angry. People tend to hold onto their anger, because there is a fear that once they let go of it, all they will have left is sadness and pain. You thinking you will never get even is telling. Your motive should not be to get even. Getting even shouldn't make you feel better. You should pray for him. Wish good things -- recovery -- for him, knowing that it is up to him and only him. Knowing that it has to be what he wants. Not you. Knowing that you can't want it more than him. You should strive to let go of the anger. You should strive to have compassion for him. All of that is possible, when you have absolute acceptance. That takes time.
Try and get to meetings. Find a sponsor. Start to work with him/her and begin to do the work. From the beginning. Step One. Don't rush, cut corners, and hurry to step two. Immerse yourself in acceptance. It will be the first domino to fall...and then all of the rest of them can fall.
Aloha said
Aug 16, 2018
I've found when working the steps that it takes a good long time for it to move from my head to my heart.
My sponsor kept me on step one for several months because she kept hearing me trying to control things over and over even though I would tell her I knew I was powerless over alcohol.
Be gentle with yourself - this stuff takes time to really sink in. Just think about it - you've been reacting the same ways to these kind of situations your entire life. This is not like flipping a switch and suddenly you can float around and be accepting and not bothered by what the alcoholic is doing. I used to joke that I came into the program when I was 30 years old, so I'll be blessed if in another 30 years I'll finally be "cured". haha
Celebrate the little steps your taking - just being aware of how you're feeling is such a huge step. So often we're on auto-pilot with our feelings and just at their mercy. Good for you recognizing the insanity.
Hope you find yourself a sponsor, as I really feel it's imperative to work the steps with one. When we do it on our own, we're left with our own logic, and our own logic is what landed us in these rooms in the first place. Our thinking is distorted and we're unreasonable. We need others to help us reason things out.
Keep coming back.
DavidG said
Aug 16, 2018
Ma'am... I think you are doing okay- so far...
changes took me most of my life... but it had bin worth it. ...
The present moment can be stark and frightening... and very isolating sometimes...
((((((((((((((((((((((( An. ))))))))))))))))))))
Bo said
Aug 16, 2018
Like Rachel Platten sings...
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
lookingup said
Aug 16, 2018
Glad your here and you found us ((((((a nother)))))
Keep coming back..............hugs LU
He's gone to the pub again. I've been working so hard to get better at this, I fully accept that I am powerless over alcohol. I'm acting as if it's fine that he's gone to the pub on his own again, but I'm sooo anxious! I've written my diary, gone through the questions in step 1. But now he is on the grog again I'm a mess.
I've no ironing to do. The freezer is full of frozen lasagna.
Why oh why can't I do this????
You are Doing this... So don't beat yourself up to bad...
When I've Found myself in Similar spots, I take that time to Remind myself I need to Stay in THIS Moment... For me some things that Helped was, Going to a Face to Face meeting, Sharing my Feelings with a Trusted Friend, Making myself Busy was a lot of Help for me too... Whether it Be Clean out the Fridge, Laundry, Yard work what ever would take my Mind off What They was Doing... And Paying more attention to what I'm doing.
For me when They was Gone, I would do things that Normally I wouldn't do while they are Home... Like... Go for a Walk, a Bike Ride... Take my Camera out and Take Pictures of Nature, Walk along the River/Stream, Go to the Park... Take Myself out to Dinner and or Treat myself to Ice Cream :) BUSY... Because at the end of the Day, I was Tired, and Slept instead of Worrying, when they would return..
This stuff is Tough, But you are Doing Just Fine... Turning our Focus on Ourselves, Can Change the Direction of Our Life in incredible ways.. Even Baby Steps :) Thoughts & Prayers lifting you in Peace & Peace of Mind...
Take what you Like and Leave the Rest
Jozie
Thanks Jozie.
Quite right. I need to focus on me!
I've just been thinking about how I used to react (3 weeks ago), and I'd try to put some sort of 'punishment' in place. No sex, threaten to leave, not talk to him, catty comments etc. I think at the moment I'm coming to terms with my loss of power (I know, I didn't actually have any, he didn't care and my 'punishment' never lasted long. The point is, by accepting that I can't change him, those kinds of thoughts are useless. There is no way of making myself feel better by thinking that I'm going to get even! How crazy is that?!
I genuinely don't want this marriage. I've moved into the spare room. We are obviously not having intimate anything. There is nothing to do but focus on me.
-- Edited by A nother on Wednesday 15th of August 2018 04:29:08 PM
(((A nother)))) You are doing it. It takes time and it's hard not to worry. It sounds like you are doing a lot of work around the house and your program. How about a break from working it all so hard? You deserve something relaxing. It's part of self care in Alanon to do things we enjoy that are just for ourselves. I hope you can find something like that to help you feel better. Sometimes that can be something as simple being with a family pet to calm ourselves. I'm so sorry you are having all of this anxiety. It will pass, honestly. Also, the online meeting here is a good place to be with others who care about how you are doing and get a meeting. TT
A nother, you are working hard -- and you are doing this. I am not sure what your "goal" is -- but you are being very hard on yourself. Go gentle unto yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Stop beating yourself up. It took you a certain period of time to get "here" (where you are), and it will take a period of time for you to "get out" from where you are. That said, you fully accept...but you are "acting" as if it's fine he's gone to the pub on his own again. So, you're acting.
Being fine needs to be sincere, authentic -- you need to really be OK with him going, one, because you are truly and complete in a place of acceptance. Total acceptance. You accept that he has a disease, and that you are not the cure, nothing you can say or do will cure or fix him and his drinking. There is no cure. Two, because you are detached, both physically and emotionally. Three, because you have surrendered to the fact that there is nothing you can do about his drinking. So, focus on YOU. You are acting as if you are fine with it -- but you are not -- you are sooo anxious. Anxious about what? Specifically. Look at what you are anxious about -- what is it? Are you worried or scared about him falling down and hitting his head? Are you worried or scared he might meet a woman and cheat on you? Are you worried or scared he is going to spend all of the family money and the bills won't be paid? What exactly, specifically, are you anxious about? Why are you a mess? When you say you can't do this...what can't you do? Ignore it? Accept it? Be OK and at peace with it?
Look at you. Focus on YOU.
Try and get to meetings. I know it's hard. I go to meetings, and I make it a priority. Some people take medication. It keeps them healthy and safe. Some people go to the gym, or go jogging, it keeps them healthy and in "good shape" and some people go to therapy, it helps them and keeps them healthy and safe. I go to alanon. I go to meetings. They are my mental gym. They help me, and keep me healthy -- on track, thinking in a healthy way, living in a healthy way -- and safe. And, you are doing it. Little by slowly. Baby steps at first. Be patient. You are making progress. He is not. So, perhaps you don't feel or recognize your progress, because you are still focused on him. Keep going. Keep trying. Keep doing it.
I recall the first day that I had not spend the entire waking moments obsessing about the disease or the diseased. I review my day each evening, and I made the realization and then immediately felt guilt/remorse. I had to call my sponsor and have a discussion because having a 'well day' in the middle of the chaos felt wrong and unnatural and selfish! She assured me that making choices that were healthy and productive were NOT wrong and/or selfish - it's the disease that makes me mind 'go there'.
So, just keep doing you and keep leaning in. Keep sharing here, and if F2F meetings aren't an option, like TT suggests, the online meetings here do offer support, fellowship and ESH from others who truly understand and may have similar experiences.
There's your progress...look at what you were trying to do and doing three weeks ago, and look at what you are trying and doing now. That's progress. You're right, you never had any power here, over this, etc. By accepting you can't change him -- those thoughts should be freeing. They shouldn't be useless. Complete and total acceptance that you can't change him -- not just accepting it intellectually -- but at your core, allows you to give up your efforts of trying to change him. It frees you up from thinking about it, thinking about him, all those efforts, all the ideas that could get him to stop, and so on.
When we check our motives, or we discover something, because of our thoughts -- we can often find that we are angry. People tend to hold onto their anger, because there is a fear that once they let go of it, all they will have left is sadness and pain. You thinking you will never get even is telling. Your motive should not be to get even. Getting even shouldn't make you feel better. You should pray for him. Wish good things -- recovery -- for him, knowing that it is up to him and only him. Knowing that it has to be what he wants. Not you. Knowing that you can't want it more than him. You should strive to let go of the anger. You should strive to have compassion for him. All of that is possible, when you have absolute acceptance. That takes time.
Try and get to meetings. Find a sponsor. Start to work with him/her and begin to do the work. From the beginning. Step One. Don't rush, cut corners, and hurry to step two. Immerse yourself in acceptance. It will be the first domino to fall...and then all of the rest of them can fall.
My sponsor kept me on step one for several months because she kept hearing me trying to control things over and over even though I would tell her I knew I was powerless over alcohol.
Be gentle with yourself - this stuff takes time to really sink in. Just think about it - you've been reacting the same ways to these kind of situations your entire life. This is not like flipping a switch and suddenly you can float around and be accepting and not bothered by what the alcoholic is doing. I used to joke that I came into the program when I was 30 years old, so I'll be blessed if in another 30 years I'll finally be "cured". haha
Celebrate the little steps your taking - just being aware of how you're feeling is such a huge step. So often we're on auto-pilot with our feelings and just at their mercy. Good for you recognizing the insanity.
Hope you find yourself a sponsor, as I really feel it's imperative to work the steps with one. When we do it on our own, we're left with our own logic, and our own logic is what landed us in these rooms in the first place. Our thinking is distorted and we're unreasonable. We need others to help us reason things out.
Keep coming back.
Ma'am... I think you are doing okay- so far...
changes took me most of my life... but it had bin worth it.
...
The present moment can be stark and frightening... and very isolating sometimes...
((((((((((((((((((((((( An. ))))))))))))))))))))
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Keep coming back..............hugs LU