We just recently went through a death of a close young loved one. I feel sad. This sadness is also bringing up some other losses and impending losses (went to visit my last living aunt yesterday and she has some major health issues and it is hard to see her looking so fragile---the fragility and uncertainty of life takes a while & many losses I think to really accept).
But I am at war with myself about my feelings. It is like I have this internal time clock and if I am still feeling strong emotions after a day or so I subconsciously crack the whip on myself like "ok get over this...move on now" I never understood when people would say to sit with your feelings.What good did that do? I would usually work my program on my feelings to sort of control them or try and make them go away and it was a subtle form of judgy violence toward myself.
It took me a while to become aware that when I did this, I also tried to fix others (often trying to be subtle about it so they didn't "feel" fixed) rather than let them just be where they were at and trust their process. I would be solution oriented "I sometimes try this slogan or that page in the ODAT?" Keeping the focus on myself so it seemed non-fixing, but I was not in an accepting them place cuz I was not in an accepting me place either. Funny how that thing we hear forever about loving yourself first b4 you can truly love another is kind of the same with accepting ALL of you even with strong emotions.
The shame comes up often when I feel strong emotions----like there must be something wrong with me or selfish (too self absorbed) about me that I am not shaking this faster or because I am feeling it so deeply. I know my higher power will take that if I ask him for help with it, I just have to trust that I am still lovable even with all these strong feelings. I project my family stuff onto God sometimes with all this because it felt very unsafe to have feelings back then while growing up. It has become habitual even though I know it is not true much of the time. Cuz in my heart of hearts and with my step work I have found an unconditionally loving God, so I don't need to put that condition on myself anymore. There are such great pages in Courage to Change on a experiencing a loving, accepting God who is always there to guide & who like a good friend wants to share our problems p.219, 157, 235.
I just get into a place where I have a young part of me being triggered and I don't really believe that so much. But I can still ask for help, journal, share and get to meetings and this too (the unbelief and sadness & shame) will pass.
I also rarely consider that Higher Power might have a plan for my emotions too. Like maybe there was something to learn from deeper connection with the emotions or something I may one day be able to pass on for having had more intimate connection to and drawn out acceptance of my feelings.
Thanks in advance for "listening" Together we can make it!!!
JerryF said
Aug 12, 2018
This is an elders post for me Luv. It is filled with awareness and experience and I like reading it. Thanks (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Aug 13, 2018
Good to see you Luv and so very sorry for the loss you and family experienced. I believe that grief brings about a whole new level of unknown in me and it's not always welcome. Grieving a death is so, so personal and when we lost a young member a few years back, I was shown how very differently each of us grieves or Ideals. My lesson has been that we are all created uniquely and each is loved by a power greater than self and ... who am I to think I know the right or wrong way to grieve or deal with what life hands us?
So - what I now feel and believe is when we have events that bring forward thoughts of uncertainty, we are to look for the lessons and trust the process. I don't always know what the lesson is in that moment but looking for it and trusting seem to help me keep moving forward. My parents arrived yesterday and with all the mental preparations and other I considered, I was still caught off guard by the weight loss in my mother. She's been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney disease, and has maybe a year/two left. So, I have accepted the disease, the diagnosis and that she's going to leave this earth soon, yet I had just not considered or prepared myself for a 'different look'....it took me by surprise and is probably one reason I am up in the middle of the night 'here'.
I am reminded again that I am truly powerless over so many things, yet I can take action in accepting, embracing and being of service. That's what I know and try to do. Action brings me comfort and peace of mind. I am, as you are, a Miracle in Progress and there is gratitude in knowing the journey of recovery will never end. (((Hugs)))
luv123 said
Aug 13, 2018
Some beautiful & helpful thoughts in there and I am so glad you wrote in middle of night (often that is when I am called to do the feeling/writing I haven't given myself adequate time for during the day). Bless you and your process with your Mom.
Always in appreciation,
Luv
luv123 said
Aug 13, 2018
Thanks for the read/response Jerry.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 13, 2018
Such a powerful share, Luv! Thank you for being a part of my journey. I am so sorry to hear of this death in your family.
mamalioness said
Aug 16, 2018
Dear Luv123, I just want to thank you for this open, heartfelt and powerful share..I can relate to some of it...Feelings..Why can't I just be DONE with the pain of the past?? I want so to move on and I am, but that 2 steps fore, 1 back in that an old painful memory or reminder of my losses comes up and I have to DEAL with it again (feeling the feelings) my past was so sad..i want to be in the present, doing the next right thing by me, doing stuff that brings me joy.....its all about progress over perfection...the deeper the pain..the deeper the recovery and to GET through it, I have to GO through it......IN SUPPORT
This is an elders post for me Luv. It is filled with awareness and experience and I like reading it. Thanks (((hugs)))
So - what I now feel and believe is when we have events that bring forward thoughts of uncertainty, we are to look for the lessons and trust the process. I don't always know what the lesson is in that moment but looking for it and trusting seem to help me keep moving forward. My parents arrived yesterday and with all the mental preparations and other I considered, I was still caught off guard by the weight loss in my mother. She's been diagnosed with stage 4 kidney disease, and has maybe a year/two left. So, I have accepted the disease, the diagnosis and that she's going to leave this earth soon, yet I had just not considered or prepared myself for a 'different look'....it took me by surprise and is probably one reason I am up in the middle of the night 'here'.
I am reminded again that I am truly powerless over so many things, yet I can take action in accepting, embracing and being of service. That's what I know and try to do. Action brings me comfort and peace of mind. I am, as you are, a Miracle in Progress and there is gratitude in knowing the journey of recovery will never end. (((Hugs)))
Some beautiful & helpful thoughts in there and I am so glad you wrote in middle of night (often that is when I am called to do the feeling/writing I haven't given myself adequate time for during the day). Bless you and your process with your Mom.
Always in appreciation,
Luv
Thanks for the read/response Jerry.
Dear Luv123, I just want to thank you for this open, heartfelt and powerful share..I can relate to some of it...Feelings..Why can't I just be DONE with the pain of the past?? I want so to move on and I am, but that 2 steps fore, 1 back in that an old painful memory or reminder of my losses comes up and I have to DEAL with it again (feeling the feelings) my past was so sad..i want to be in the present, doing the next right thing by me, doing stuff that brings me joy.....its all about progress over perfection...the deeper the pain..the deeper the recovery and to GET through it, I have to GO through it......IN SUPPORT