I know we've talked about this before but I'm still really struggling to be around ah. I can't think of a thing to say. I asked him how the wedding was, but as he told me I felt that familiar anger welling up inside. So far today we have talked at length about the weather, about the food shopping and about what we did yesterday while he was at the wedding.
It's like there is a wall I can't climb over.
I suppose I'm stuck I'm my negative emotional trap, and I don't want to fake it because it's so tiring. Also I don't want him to think that he's 'saving our marriage' by being nice!
I'm currently hiding in my bedroom. How can I come to a healthy place?
-- Edited by A nother on Sunday 12th of August 2018 11:33:12 AM
mamalioness said
Aug 12, 2018
((((((((((A nother)))))))))))) oh wow!!!! so sad!!!! but ya know??? you said that "faking it" was tiring for you....It was for me with my EX AH and that was my sign that I was "done" ...Done with the "acting job" that my heart was just not into anymore...Tired, worn out by the stress and drama , even tho he was loving and kind, he would get drunk and scare me to death in the kitchen, leaving stove on or the toaster oven on, after he cooked....we had this old Toaster oven with no timer, so the thng would just run..after he left it on, I trashed it and bought one with a timer, but the stove was a different story.....he nearly caused fires a couple of times....getting sick from drinking too much, my having to clean up after his hangover "hugging the bowl" episodes
I was tired of faking the "happy wife" so I drew a date on the calandar and said "recovery for you and for me or we are done--I'm done with this....I want help...I am messed up...You are alcoholic...WE need help or I'm done"
He said he (sounded just like my favorite brother) didn't want to quit drinking, he felt too good, doing it....so I knew!!! I knew I had to either stand to my boundary or lose my faith in my own self re: my word....that date came up and he was at the base, (stationed in CHI at the time) so I packed up all his things in boxes and had them ready for him to move out...It was hard, but I was worn out...Done...Done fighting it..Done living a half life...Done worrying about "end of life care" I would have to give him if we stayed together.....I WAS DONE!!!!!
I still love him, to this day, but I am glad I did what I did...I have peace now...I can use my CLEAN stove and I know the frickin thing is turned off when not in use...my restrooms are clean...he smoked so I had THAT , too..I deep cleaned after he left and set things up neat and clean and tidy, changed out all the linens, draperies, towels, etc., I just sort of "wiped the chalk board" of my life clean so as to re-boot my life....it would be a couple of years, after the divorce and all, (we kept in contact even tho he was moved out) when i would get help...it wasn't 12 steps at first, just an online support group and a group that this lady and I set up in her house for newly separated ladies from drinking and DV (thank goodness he never was violent to me) but anyway, we would gather and give support, but I noticed that we talked about the problem, not the solution.......Enter Rosie into 12 steps, Alanon and ACA and also CoDa as of Feb. 2004...Best thing I ever did...Yea, I shared the problem and my feelings, grieving over my whole life, but this program focuses on the SOLUTION...the "what can I do to help me, to fix me, to reclaim me, to change me???" its right here and its my saving grace
SUPPORT hugs to you...Noone can tell you whats the next right thing for you to do..Only getting into the quiet, deep breathing, connecting to your inner HP , you will know, when it is time..you willknow what to do, what is right for you...........keep coming back.......
A nother said
Aug 12, 2018
Thanks Rose. I think you are right. I am done. It is sad.
He has been showing me the wedding pics, and I'm just not interested. I'll never see these people again anyway. Faked interest to keep peace.
Thanks for letting me know that you've felt this way too. I need to know others have walked this road before.
hotrod said
Aug 12, 2018
Meetings will provide you with the tools you need to communicate in a healthy non judgmental manner
JerryF said
Aug 12, 2018
Right on Betty...that is my experience also. So very many teachers at our meetings. Mahalo (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Aug 12, 2018
Meetings and local support helped me through this part of my journey. I too felt I was 'done' yet followed what was recommended - no big decisions until I'd actively worked recovery for 3-6 months. I am not a silent person and found others to talk to as well as many constructive things to fill my time.
tiredtonite said
Aug 12, 2018
"It's like a wall I can't climb over."
For me, that wall was made of pride and resentment. Remembering that, made me think of a reading in Alanon's As We Understood book.
In the reading the wife comes home to find the husband is drunk and sprawled out on their bed. It's not a pretty sight. The wife doesn't know how she can't get herself to a place emotionally to communicate in a civil manner with the husband when he wakes up. She tells her higher power this and asks for help. The reading says something like hp I cannot love him but with help, I can love him through you.
Just a reading that came to mind. (((A nother))) TT
mamalioness said
Aug 12, 2018
A nother wrote:
Thanks for letting me know that you've felt this way too. I need to know others have walked this road before.
(((((((((A nother))))))) well ya know, some folks on here mentioned that "no big decisions till some recovery under your belt) IF he is not violent and unsafe, of course, then its a no brainer if hes a beater....I don't know how long you've been in program....how far you are into the steps, etc., so that is why my LAST sentence said, "noone can tell YOU whats right for YOU" Only you can make that call...Your HP within your heart will tell you....However, that said, I would get some serious meetings and step work done BEFORE I did anything big.....I did my thing b4 I even got into recovery because I just knew in my heart of hearts it was dead (our marriage) and the way I knew was I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore..I loved him, but I wasn't IN LOVE anymore....the bottle came first for him, even tho he was good about sending home $$ When out to sea, etc., (he was master chief in navy) when I think of all the $$$ we blew on booze, it makes me kinda ill...I used to drink a wine cooler at night, but that was it....he drank that frickin hard stuff and it was costly....I hope he is OK, I will always remember the good times we had, but I did the right thing......Looking back, I wish I had known about alanon , I knew OF it, but wasn't really sure what it would do but anything had to be better then the life I was living with my messed up head adn my messed up marriage because of alcohol...I hope this post made sense....I've been out all day and I'm starved.........HUGS of support
Bo said
Aug 12, 2018
A nother wrote:
I know we've talked about this before but I'm still really struggling to be around ah. I can't think of a thing to say. I asked him how the wedding was, but as he told me I felt that familiar anger welling up inside. So far today we have talked at length about the weather, about the food shopping and about what we did yesterday while he was at the wedding.
It's like there is a wall I can't climb over.
I suppose I'm stuck I'm my negative emotional trap, and I don't want to fake it because it's so tiring. Also I don't want him to think that he's 'saving our marriage' by being nice!
I'm currently hiding in my bedroom. How can I come to a healthy place?
-- Edited by A nother on Sunday 12th of August 2018 11:33:12 AM
What exactly do you want to talk to him about? Is there a subject or subjects you'd like to talk to him about that are not? I guess question is -- is there something you want to talk to him about, or is it that no matter what you talk to him about you feel anger building up? Ask yourself these questions. If you can get clarity in and around exactly what your problem is -- then you sit down with your sponsor and talk this through. The two issues I referenced here are two very different issues. They are separate and distinct. However, they both have to do with YOU. Both problems have the same solution...YOU.
So, which is it? Or if it's neither, what exactly is it? Thanks.
canadianguy said
Aug 13, 2018
There is an awesome reminder that we should "stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that.... it kinda feels like you are wanting/hoping that your (sick and irrational) A will behave in healthy and rational ways, all the while giving you the emotional support you need right now...
The reality, of course, is that he is in no physical/emotional/spiritual shape to provide you any of the above, so in my experience, your best bet is what is being suggested by the group on this thread...... dive into your recovery, go to Al-Anon meetings, reach out to safe, supportive people (preferably in program) who you can lean on, and learn from...
Take care
Tom
A nother said
Aug 13, 2018
Thanks guys. I don't know what I want to talk to him about. I do feel anger and resentment building each time we talk, even if we are only talking about the weather. I suppose he is well practiced in dealing with angry people (his a mother for a start), so is good at keeping a happy disposition. He doesn't seem to let any of this nightmare bother him.
I have another meeting tonight. I hope it is about anger, because that's what I need to talk about. If not then I doubt I'll be able to contribute much. I don't have a sponsor. How do you even get one??
A nother said
Aug 13, 2018
Part of me wants to howl at him because I'm walking as around with a stone in my gut. I want to know that he's sorry. But at the same time I don't. I don't want to be part of his recovery. I just want to live my life with peace. There are enough outside forces in life to deal with, without these difficulties at home.
I am trying to work the steps, but to be honest the only one I truly accept is that I am powerless over other people and alcohol, and I can only control myself.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 13, 2018
A nother,
Hugs and welcome, as far as the sponsor goes .. sit, listen and find someone you like what they say. I encourage you to listen to some pod casts on YouTube Recovery Podcast is a great one as they have a ton of speakers on there .. Larcene, Mary Pearl, and so on.
They talk about sponsorship and what that means to them, where they were, and where they are now .. it gives hope and a healthy outlet to the anger going on.
Anyway .. big hugs, S :)
Bettertomorrow said
Aug 13, 2018
Hello and hugs A nother,
I have walked a similar road and 1.5 years down the line am still living with AH and 4 children. What worked for me was going to face to face meetings, reading the literature, talking to others, reading stories and support from here, getting a sponsor 6 months in after going to f2f meetings and working the programme. I got a sponsor by waiting until I felt I had clicked with someone at the f2f meetings and then asked them when I felt I was really ready to start working the programme.
What I can say is that for me in the beginning I just wanted out and everything he did and said irritated me. I then spent lots of time focusing on me, getting my self esteem back and enjoying life on my own and am now at at place where there are days where I have true serenity. It's not about him. It's about me and my wonderful children. I am responsible for my own decisions and life as he is responsible for his. If he chooses not to enter recovery I gracefully accept that is his choice to make, but I am getting on with my own life.
The programme has saved me. I am sure the decisions I am making today are very different from those I would have made in the very beginning and it is this programme that has made the difference.
Big hugs. J
Bo said
Aug 13, 2018
A nother wrote:
Thanks guys. I don't know what I want to talk to him about. I do feel anger and resentment building each time we talk, even if we are only talking about the weather. I suppose he is well practiced in dealing with angry people (his a mother for a start), so is good at keeping a happy disposition. He doesn't seem to let any of this nightmare bother him.
I have another meeting tonight. I hope it is about anger, because that's what I need to talk about. If not then I doubt I'll be able to contribute much. I don't have a sponsor. How do you even get one??
I get it. I felt the same way -- I had no idea what I wanted to talk to my wife about. One part of me wanted to scream at her. One part wanted to cry to her. Another part wanted to tell her how angry I was. And another part wanted HER to tell ME how sorry she was! Well, none of it was healthy for me. Each and every time I spoke to her I got angry, because she was living her life as if nothing was wrong, taking ownership of nothing, happy, continuing with her drinking, and so on, and never said a word about anything.
Nothing bothered her...and this bothered me beyond belief. So, the problem...was ME...my thinking, my behavior, my actions and reactions. You are doing the right thing -- going to meetings! Find a sponsor and get to work on YOU.
A nother wrote:
Part of me wants to howl at him because I'm walking as around with a stone in my gut. I want to know that he's sorry. But at the same time I don't. I don't want to be part of his recovery. I just want to live my life with peace. There are enough outside forces in life to deal with, without these difficulties at home.
I am trying to work the steps, but to be honest the only one I truly accept is that I am powerless over other people and alcohol, and I can only control myself.
You wanting to know he's sorry -- is you wanting what you want, wanting to be right, wanting satisfaction, and so on and so on. This is something you have to work on. One day, maybe he makes amends to you. Maybe not. That is up to him. That is part of his recovery. Not yours. You are responsible for your own recovery and it is not dependent on or contingent on getting an apology from him!!! Him saying he's sorry has nothing to do with you being part of his recovery. You are right, you don't want to be, nor should you be, but it has nothing to do with an apology from him.
If you are trying to work the steps, your sponsor should be guiding you. Keep focusing on YOU. Keep up the good work...good work is always on YOU, about YOU, and for YOU.
I know we've talked about this before but I'm still really struggling to be around ah. I can't think of a thing to say. I asked him how the wedding was, but as he told me I felt that familiar anger welling up inside. So far today we have talked at length about the weather, about the food shopping and about what we did yesterday while he was at the wedding.
It's like there is a wall I can't climb over.
I suppose I'm stuck I'm my negative emotional trap, and I don't want to fake it because it's so tiring. Also I don't want him to think that he's 'saving our marriage' by being nice!
I'm currently hiding in my bedroom. How can I come to a healthy place?
-- Edited by A nother on Sunday 12th of August 2018 11:33:12 AM
I was tired of faking the "happy wife" so I drew a date on the calandar and said "recovery for you and for me or we are done--I'm done with this....I want help...I am messed up...You are alcoholic...WE need help or I'm done"
He said he (sounded just like my favorite brother) didn't want to quit drinking, he felt too good, doing it....so I knew!!! I knew I had to either stand to my boundary or lose my faith in my own self re: my word....that date came up and he was at the base, (stationed in CHI at the time) so I packed up all his things in boxes and had them ready for him to move out...It was hard, but I was worn out...Done...Done fighting it..Done living a half life...Done worrying about "end of life care" I would have to give him if we stayed together.....I WAS DONE!!!!!
I still love him, to this day, but I am glad I did what I did...I have peace now...I can use my CLEAN stove and I know the frickin thing is turned off when not in use...my restrooms are clean...he smoked so I had THAT , too..I deep cleaned after he left and set things up neat and clean and tidy, changed out all the linens, draperies, towels, etc., I just sort of "wiped the chalk board" of my life clean so as to re-boot my life....it would be a couple of years, after the divorce and all, (we kept in contact even tho he was moved out) when i would get help...it wasn't 12 steps at first, just an online support group and a group that this lady and I set up in her house for newly separated ladies from drinking and DV (thank goodness he never was violent to me) but anyway, we would gather and give support, but I noticed that we talked about the problem, not the solution.......Enter Rosie into 12 steps, Alanon and ACA and also CoDa as of Feb. 2004...Best thing I ever did...Yea, I shared the problem and my feelings, grieving over my whole life, but this program focuses on the SOLUTION...the "what can I do to help me, to fix me, to reclaim me, to change me???" its right here and its my saving grace
SUPPORT hugs to you...Noone can tell you whats the next right thing for you to do..Only getting into the quiet, deep breathing, connecting to your inner HP , you will know, when it is time..you willknow what to do, what is right for you...........keep coming back.......
He has been showing me the wedding pics, and I'm just not interested. I'll never see these people again anyway. Faked interest to keep peace.
Thanks for letting me know that you've felt this way too. I need to know others have walked this road before.
Right on Betty...that is my experience also. So very many teachers at our meetings. Mahalo (((hugs)))
"It's like a wall I can't climb over."
For me, that wall was made of pride and resentment. Remembering that, made me think of a reading in Alanon's As We Understood book.
In the reading the wife comes home to find the husband is drunk and sprawled out on their bed. It's not a pretty sight. The wife doesn't know how she can't get herself to a place emotionally to communicate in a civil manner with the husband when he wakes up. She tells her higher power this and asks for help. The reading says something like hp I cannot love him but with help, I can love him through you.
Just a reading that came to mind. (((A nother))) TT
(((((((((A nother))))))) well ya know, some folks on here mentioned that "no big decisions till some recovery under your belt) IF he is not violent and unsafe, of course, then its a no brainer if hes a beater....I don't know how long you've been in program....how far you are into the steps, etc., so that is why my LAST sentence said, "noone can tell YOU whats right for YOU" Only you can make that call...Your HP within your heart will tell you....However, that said, I would get some serious meetings and step work done BEFORE I did anything big.....I did my thing b4 I even got into recovery because I just knew in my heart of hearts it was dead (our marriage) and the way I knew was I didn't want to be intimate with him anymore..I loved him, but I wasn't IN LOVE anymore....the bottle came first for him, even tho he was good about sending home $$ When out to sea, etc., (he was master chief in navy) when I think of all the $$$ we blew on booze, it makes me kinda ill...I used to drink a wine cooler at night, but that was it....he drank that frickin hard stuff and it was costly....I hope he is OK, I will always remember the good times we had, but I did the right thing......Looking back, I wish I had known about alanon , I knew OF it, but wasn't really sure what it would do but anything had to be better then the life I was living with my messed up head adn my messed up marriage because of alcohol...I hope this post made sense....I've been out all day and I'm starved.........HUGS of support
What exactly do you want to talk to him about? Is there a subject or subjects you'd like to talk to him about that are not? I guess question is -- is there something you want to talk to him about, or is it that no matter what you talk to him about you feel anger building up? Ask yourself these questions. If you can get clarity in and around exactly what your problem is -- then you sit down with your sponsor and talk this through. The two issues I referenced here are two very different issues. They are separate and distinct. However, they both have to do with YOU. Both problems have the same solution...YOU.
So, which is it? Or if it's neither, what exactly is it? Thanks.
There is an awesome reminder that we should "stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread", in that.... it kinda feels like you are wanting/hoping that your (sick and irrational) A will behave in healthy and rational ways, all the while giving you the emotional support you need right now...
The reality, of course, is that he is in no physical/emotional/spiritual shape to provide you any of the above, so in my experience, your best bet is what is being suggested by the group on this thread...... dive into your recovery, go to Al-Anon meetings, reach out to safe, supportive people (preferably in program) who you can lean on, and learn from...
Take care
Tom
I have another meeting tonight. I hope it is about anger, because that's what I need to talk about. If not then I doubt I'll be able to contribute much. I don't have a sponsor. How do you even get one??
I am trying to work the steps, but to be honest the only one I truly accept is that I am powerless over other people and alcohol, and I can only control myself.
Hugs and welcome, as far as the sponsor goes .. sit, listen and find someone you like what they say. I encourage you to listen to some pod casts on YouTube Recovery Podcast is a great one as they have a ton of speakers on there .. Larcene, Mary Pearl, and so on.
They talk about sponsorship and what that means to them, where they were, and where they are now .. it gives hope and a healthy outlet to the anger going on.
Anyway .. big hugs, S :)
Hello and hugs A nother,
I have walked a similar road and 1.5 years down the line am still living with AH and 4 children. What worked for me was going to face to face meetings, reading the literature, talking to others, reading stories and support from here, getting a sponsor 6 months in after going to f2f meetings and working the programme. I got a sponsor by waiting until I felt I had clicked with someone at the f2f meetings and then asked them when I felt I was really ready to start working the programme.
What I can say is that for me in the beginning I just wanted out and everything he did and said irritated me. I then spent lots of time focusing on me, getting my self esteem back and enjoying life on my own and am now at at place where there are days where I have true serenity. It's not about him. It's about me and my wonderful children. I am responsible for my own decisions and life as he is responsible for his. If he chooses not to enter recovery I gracefully accept that is his choice to make, but I am getting on with my own life.
The programme has saved me. I am sure the decisions I am making today are very different from those I would have made in the very beginning and it is this programme that has made the difference.
Big hugs. J
I get it. I felt the same way -- I had no idea what I wanted to talk to my wife about. One part of me wanted to scream at her. One part wanted to cry to her. Another part wanted to tell her how angry I was. And another part wanted HER to tell ME how sorry she was! Well, none of it was healthy for me. Each and every time I spoke to her I got angry, because she was living her life as if nothing was wrong, taking ownership of nothing, happy, continuing with her drinking, and so on, and never said a word about anything.
Nothing bothered her...and this bothered me beyond belief. So, the problem...was ME...my thinking, my behavior, my actions and reactions. You are doing the right thing -- going to meetings! Find a sponsor and get to work on YOU.
You wanting to know he's sorry -- is you wanting what you want, wanting to be right, wanting satisfaction, and so on and so on. This is something you have to work on. One day, maybe he makes amends to you. Maybe not. That is up to him. That is part of his recovery. Not yours. You are responsible for your own recovery and it is not dependent on or contingent on getting an apology from him!!! Him saying he's sorry has nothing to do with you being part of his recovery. You are right, you don't want to be, nor should you be, but it has nothing to do with an apology from him.
If you are trying to work the steps, your sponsor should be guiding you. Keep focusing on YOU. Keep up the good work...good work is always on YOU, about YOU, and for YOU.