I have been in this Program long enough to know that Swimming in Fear is Never a Good thing, but Here I am...
Some Know the first 18 years of my life, I Grew up in a Small One Horse town in Eastern US, Well when you live in such a small area, your family grows ten fold by the Time you hit 18, I have a Friend that I have kept up with for Over 30+ years, We Ride Motorcycles together, Talk weekly on the Net, and He has been one of My Best friends since Grade School.
Right out of high School he Needed a Kidney Transplant and his Mom gave him one of hers, after the Whole town came together to see if he matched any one there... well here we sit, 25 plus years later and that Kidney is Failing, (we was told he would get around 20years till they would have to Start looking into another) but that isn't the worst part... He was Diagnosed with Bladder Cancer a few short months ago, but due to Kidney Issues, He Isn't a Candidate for Chemo, or Radiations... So they went into to remove a piece of his Bladder in hopes of getting All the Cancer.. They did Not... So Tomorrow he goes back in to have Bladder Removed... He Barely Made it thru the Last Surgery...
I know my Program says not to Project, Not to Live in a place your Not at yet... But My Fear is Consuming me to know end... I Got a Call from his Mom Yesterday and She Ask if I would Come sit with him today after work, She said he Needs My Happy, Cheerful, Spirit, and She knows if Anyone can bring him to a better Place its Me... THAT'S Pressure to Me! And I Don't have One Problem going to See him, as I would have Any way... But my Heart & Head are Reeling, and I Just Pray I Don't sit there in a Weeping Pile of Tears, Because I'm Super Emotional on top of just Being Me & So Is He! I Want to Bring him Light, I want to Bring him Smiles & Love....But Fear!
I think Why this Hurts so Much is Knowing he is a Single Father to an 12 year old and She is Honestly ALL He knows... He Dreamed as a Kid what it would be like to be a Daddy, and have a Little Girl, and God Blessed him with just that! He Knew her Name before he was Any where Close to having a Child, or a Lady... And this is just Breaking my Heart...For them Both His Daughter is All He Talks about, She is his Fight for Life, and I Know he is Trying... But FEAR!
I know this isn't about the Disease, but in Reality it is... Its My Disease, My Disease at times can Paralyze me in Fear... Fear of "What if" I Can't be who he Needs, "What If" I don't bring Cheer, but Tears, (tho we have Shared Many Tears together) "What If" my Anxiety Swallows me up before I Can get thru these Next 8 hours before I See him... "What if" this is a Final Goodbye...
Even tho, I Want to See him, I Want to Wrap My Arms around him and Tell him its Goin to be Ok (And I Want to Believe it will be), and I know he Knows how much I Love him...But the Fear is Suffocating...
I have Lost so Many to This Disease, Over a Course of the Last 10 years, Whether it be Alcohol or Drugs... and Honestly, Many of those I Sadly Saw Coming ... But Why Am I Struggling So hard with this... Why is Fear Eating me away, when I know he will just be Glad to See Me! Why Can't I Hand this Over to HP, and Know in my Heart of Hearts Either Way, it will be God's Plan, Not Mine...
So Family, I Need Help, ESH, Something to Get me to Where I Need to be in 8 hours... We have so Many Wonderful Memories together, of being Goofy Kids, and Goofy Adults... We both have Always Loved Life, and Lived Life... But Here I Sit in Fear, of What "Might Be" a Final Good Bye, and I'm Really Not Handling it well... So I'm Accepting Any and All Prayers, Good Vibes, and Love for not just Me but My Friend Mike... He Needs a Miracle... And I Pray God see's Him Worthy one more time...
I know my HP puts me where I Need to be, and I will see it thru... Even if I have to Crawl...
Thanks for Letting Me Share
Jozie
hotrod said
Aug 8, 2018
(jozie)) I can so identify. Praying for HP"S will and learning how to accept life on life' terms never came easy however, upon reflection, I did see that the best possible outcome unfolded when I trusted HP . In addition, I was given the courage and wisdom to keep showing up and loving the person to the end and that was most important Sending positive thoughts your way
Temple said
Aug 8, 2018
Dear, Sweet Jozie--
I don't think you "know" me, but I've been reading you for years, and the board is always a better place when you are around.
When my mother was dying--nothing to do with The disease--the nurses would tell me I must be strong for her. I thought, you know what? Mother and I go way back. I will just come every day as myself--that is what she is used to. And I remember one day I put my head down on her bed. sobbing, and She comforted Me. We were just who we were. And it was plenty and enough.
((((((((Jozie)))))
I miss your Angel avatar.
Blessings,
Temple
Aloha said
Aug 8, 2018
I am so sad and sorry you're experiencing this and his family, too.
I don't have much to add beyond what's already been said. Acceptance can be so difficult, especially when it comes to situations like these. The great thing I got out of Al-Anon is that it's ok to feel what we need to feel.
Sending you, him, and his family prayers, love, and support.
Jozie said
Aug 8, 2018
Thanks ((((Hotrod)))) Life on Life's Terms sometimes can be Crushing, As I know you Know! Tryin to Stay in Faith... But Boy is It Hard... I Know his HP is Holding him Tight, I Just Hate to See him Continue to Struggle, So he Can Live... Its Seems a Never Ending Battle for him... and His Momma has the Strength of the Angels
(((Temple))) THANK YOU for that... I Needed to Hear Every Word... Your Right, He only needs to see me as Me, I don't have to be anyone other then the Me he knows and Loves... So Easy sometimes to forget the Common Ground, when I feel so Helpless for him... I'm Truly Sorry about your Mom and YES, of Course I Remember you, and Thank you so Much for the Compliment I Wish I Could Find that Old Avatar... I'd Use it again :)
((((Aloha)))) Thank you for Your Love, Prayers & Support... I'm Truly most Grateful for you all :)
Today is a One 'Moment' at a time Day! Trying my Best to Hand to HP... Thank you all for Being Here...
Jozie
JerryF said
Aug 8, 2018
Aloha Jozie...We are family and we stand with each other thru it all. Your post helps me to remember my lessons from my sponsors and the elders of recovery I have been blessed to sit and listen and practice with. I have found true that God doesn't give me anything I cannot handle and that if I act as if that is true I will arrive at peace of mind, body, spirit and emotions. You mention the lessons that also serve me well take them with you as you visit him. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 8, 2018
(((Jozie))) - it's so easy for fear to rob us of the present....I also seem more likely to project when I am fearful. My mom is dying as we speak and I have tons of fear - for her, for my dad, etc. All I know is that I am supposed to try and be of service when anyone, any where asks. Until I'm asked, I just try and trust God and show up.
I too am sending you tons of thoughts and prayers. He's lucky to have you as an almost life-long friend. His momma is lucky to have you too! (((Hugs))) - we are family and we stand with you and support you!
Jozie said
Aug 9, 2018
(((Jerry))) Thank you as Always, I Walked in as Me, and Left as Me Three Hours Later, and thru it all His Smile said HP Put me right where I was Meant to Be... He is in Surgery Now... And I Just Pray HP See's him Worth of One more Round :0)
(((Iamhere))) I am So Very Sorry you are Going thru this with your Mom & Parents... My Heart Truly goes out too you and your Family... And I Will Add you to my Prayers... He & His Mom both Thanked me so Many times for Showing up...His Spirit was Singing when I Left, and that was Enough for me :) (((HUGS)))
This Program, All of you, Are My Life Lines... And I'm Grateful for the Love, ESH & Support Always...
Thank you all so Much
Jozie
hotrod said
Aug 9, 2018
((Jozie))Thanks for the update Good work my dear Prayers continue
Iamhere said
Aug 9, 2018
Jozie - thank you for the prayers and the update! My prayers for you, your friend and his daughter & mother continue.....keep us updated and know positive thoughts are flowing your way too.
Hesees said
Aug 9, 2018
Jozie, You don't know me but I am struggling with lung cancer right now. I have some hope and we are having some success with chemo and radiation. I just want to say to you that you so did the right thing. Emotional breakdowns can be a bit stressful, but not as stressful as sitting there dealing with it all alone in your own head. Best wishes and prayers to you and your friend.
tiredtonite said
Aug 9, 2018
((((Jozie)))) Go as you are and only if you want to visit not because his mother wants it. If you do go, you don't have to be any certain thing for him or for his mother. I don't think we can ever know how we will respond to seeing someone we care deeply about very ill.
Showing your vulnerability in his company will only allow him to see how much he is loved. It might be the catalyst for release his own fears with a safe person, you. But with that said, it's not your responsibility to make anything happen like his loving mother would hope.If you have fears of seeing him ill or not knowing what to say, crying etc. there is no shame in that. Nor are you letting anyone down by staying away if that's what you need to do.Jozie.. some decisions in self care are harder than others. Alanon tells us to put our own feelings first to take care of ourselves.
Prayer and meditation, deep breaths, quiet time with your thoughts to process all of this and hp will lead you to what's next.
I'm sorry your dear friend is so ill. He sounds like he has been through quite a bit. I'm sorry for how deeply this is hurting you and others who love him. I'm sorry for all the losses of people close you've experienced recently. Sending a prayer your way. TT
Wow, I should have read your follow up post. Looks like you have figured this out with the help of your hp. Hope you don't mind the extra post from me.. and who can't use an extra prayer
mamalioness said
Aug 9, 2018
Dear Jozie, I think I remember you from way back in this "room" but no matter, your story touched me about your dear friend...I would just "go as myself" and if you feel like crying, do it!!! Be the you he loves...Even folks who are critically ill, want their loved ones to be real with them
and Temple, I think I remember you too...What a beautiful story about your interaction with your mother, how you cried and she comforted you....ohhhh, that touched me as well.....so loving...thank you for sharing that....
Jozie, take care of you...and your friend is lucky to have a loyal pal like you......IN SUPPORT
Jozie said
Aug 14, 2018
Thank you All So Much, I hope to have time tomorrow to Update you all on what Did Happen, and How it Went... But a Brief update till then, By the Grace of God, He is Still with Us... And For that and ALL Your Prayers & Thoughts I am Forever Grateful :)
Thank you all So Much, You will Never know the Help you Offered me in such a Trying time :) So Much has Happened since last week, it just Overwhelming, but Hope to bring to you all tomorrow..
Much Love, ALWAYS
Jozie
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2018
(((Jozie))) - so glad to hear that just for today, he's still with us! Thanks for the update and take good care of you!
mamalioness said
Aug 14, 2018
Jozie wrote:
Thank you All So Much, I hope to have time tomorrow to Update you all on what Did Happen, and How it Went... But a Brief update till then, By the Grace of God, He is Still with Us...
(((((((((((((((((((((((((J)))))))))))))))))))))))) well sugar pie, I am so glad to hear this and I am so glad we are on this board together....WOW!!! its been a long time, I wasn't even sure it was you at first, LOL...its been that long....So good to chat with you again.... As to your friend who is lucky to have you, I know you must love him dearly and of course you and he have our love and prayers.....take care of you, though ok??? You got a lot on your plate........HUGS
I have been in this Program long enough to know that Swimming in Fear is Never a Good thing, but Here I am...
Some Know the first 18 years of my life, I Grew up in a Small One Horse town in Eastern US, Well when you live in such a small area, your family grows ten fold by the Time you hit 18, I have a Friend that I have kept up with for Over 30+ years, We Ride Motorcycles together, Talk weekly on the Net, and He has been one of My Best friends since Grade School.
Right out of high School he Needed a Kidney Transplant and his Mom gave him one of hers, after the Whole town came together to see if he matched any one there... well here we sit, 25 plus years later and that Kidney is Failing, (we was told he would get around 20years till they would have to Start looking into another) but that isn't the worst part... He was Diagnosed with Bladder Cancer a few short months ago, but due to Kidney Issues, He Isn't a Candidate for Chemo, or Radiations... So they went into to remove a piece of his Bladder in hopes of getting All the Cancer.. They did Not... So Tomorrow he goes back in to have Bladder Removed...
He Barely Made it thru the Last Surgery...
I know my Program says not to Project, Not to Live in a place your Not at yet... But My Fear is Consuming me to know end... I Got a Call from his Mom Yesterday and She Ask if I would Come sit with him today after work, She said he Needs My Happy, Cheerful, Spirit, and She knows if Anyone can bring him to a better Place its Me... THAT'S Pressure to Me! And I Don't have One Problem going to See him, as I would have Any way... But my Heart & Head are Reeling, and I Just Pray I Don't sit there in a Weeping Pile of Tears, Because I'm Super Emotional on top of just Being Me & So Is He! I Want to Bring him Light, I want to Bring him Smiles & Love....But Fear!
I think Why this Hurts so Much is Knowing he is a Single Father to an 12 year old and She is Honestly ALL He knows... He Dreamed as a Kid what it would be like to be a Daddy, and have a Little Girl, and God Blessed him with just that! He Knew her Name before he was Any where Close to having a Child, or a Lady... And this is just Breaking my Heart...For them Both
His Daughter is All He Talks about, She is his Fight for Life, and I Know he is Trying... But FEAR!
I know this isn't about the Disease, but in Reality it is... Its My Disease, My Disease at times can Paralyze me in Fear... Fear of "What if" I Can't be who he Needs, "What If" I don't bring Cheer, but Tears, (tho we have Shared Many Tears together) "What If" my Anxiety Swallows me up before I Can get thru these Next 8 hours before I See him... "What if" this is a Final Goodbye...
Even tho, I Want to See him, I Want to Wrap My Arms around him and Tell him its Goin to be Ok (And I Want to Believe it will be), and I know he Knows how much I Love him...But the Fear is Suffocating...
I have Lost so Many to This Disease, Over a Course of the Last 10 years, Whether it be Alcohol or Drugs... and Honestly, Many of those I Sadly Saw Coming ... But Why Am I Struggling So hard with this... Why is Fear Eating me away, when I know he will just be Glad to See Me! Why Can't I Hand this Over to HP, and Know in my Heart of Hearts Either Way, it will be God's Plan, Not Mine...
So Family, I Need Help, ESH, Something to Get me to Where I Need to be in 8 hours... We have so Many Wonderful Memories together, of being Goofy Kids, and Goofy Adults... We both have Always Loved Life, and Lived Life... But Here I Sit in Fear, of What "Might Be" a Final Good Bye, and I'm Really Not Handling it well... So I'm Accepting Any and All Prayers, Good Vibes, and Love for not just Me but My Friend Mike... He Needs a Miracle... And I Pray God see's Him Worthy one more time...
I know my HP puts me where I Need to be, and I will see it thru... Even if I have to Crawl...
Thanks for Letting Me Share
Jozie
(jozie)) I can so identify. Praying for HP"S will and learning how to accept life on life' terms never came easy however, upon reflection, I did see that the best possible outcome unfolded when I trusted HP . In addition, I was given the courage and wisdom to keep showing up and loving the person to the end and that was most important Sending positive thoughts your way
I don't think you "know" me, but I've been reading you for years, and the board is always a better place when you are around.
When my mother was dying--nothing to do with The disease--the nurses would tell me I must be strong for her. I thought, you know what? Mother and I go way back. I will just come every day as myself--that is what she is used to. And I remember one day I put my head down on her bed. sobbing, and She comforted Me. We were just who we were. And it was plenty and enough.
((((((((Jozie)))))
I miss your Angel avatar.
Blessings,
Temple
I don't have much to add beyond what's already been said. Acceptance can be so difficult, especially when it comes to situations like these. The great thing I got out of Al-Anon is that it's ok to feel what we need to feel.
Sending you, him, and his family prayers, love, and support.
Thanks ((((Hotrod)))) Life on Life's Terms sometimes can be Crushing, As I know you Know! Tryin to Stay in Faith... But Boy is It Hard... I Know his HP is Holding him Tight, I Just Hate to See him Continue to Struggle, So he Can Live... Its Seems a Never Ending Battle for him... and His Momma has the Strength of the Angels
(((Temple))) THANK YOU for that... I Needed to Hear Every Word... Your Right, He only needs to see me as Me, I don't have to be anyone other then the Me he knows and Loves... So Easy sometimes to forget the Common Ground, when I feel so Helpless for him... I'm Truly Sorry about your Mom
and YES, of Course I Remember you, and Thank you so Much for the Compliment I Wish I Could Find that Old Avatar... I'd Use it again :)
((((Aloha)))) Thank you for Your Love, Prayers & Support... I'm Truly most Grateful for you all :)
Today is a One 'Moment' at a time Day! Trying my Best to Hand to HP... Thank you all for Being Here...
Jozie
Aloha Jozie...We are family and we stand with each other thru it all. Your post helps me to remember my lessons from my sponsors and the elders of recovery I have been blessed to sit and listen and practice with. I have found true that God doesn't give me anything I cannot handle and that if I act as if that is true I will arrive at peace of mind, body, spirit and emotions. You mention the lessons that also serve me well take them with you as you visit him. ((((hugs))))
I too am sending you tons of thoughts and prayers. He's lucky to have you as an almost life-long friend. His momma is lucky to have you too! (((Hugs))) - we are family and we stand with you and support you!
(((Iamhere))) I am So Very Sorry you are Going thru this with your Mom & Parents... My Heart Truly goes out too you and your Family... And I Will Add you to my Prayers... He & His Mom both Thanked me so Many times for Showing up...His Spirit was Singing when I Left, and that was Enough for me :) (((HUGS)))
This Program, All of you, Are My Life Lines... And I'm Grateful for the Love, ESH & Support Always...
Thank you all so Much
Jozie
((((Jozie)))) Go as you are and only if you want to visit not because his mother wants it. If you do go, you don't have to be any certain thing for him or for his mother. I don't think we can ever know how we will respond to seeing someone we care deeply about very ill.
Showing your vulnerability in his company will only allow him to see how much he is loved. It might be the catalyst for release his own fears with a safe person, you. But with that said, it's not your responsibility to make anything happen like his loving mother would hope.If you have fears of seeing him ill or not knowing what to say, crying etc. there is no shame in that. Nor are you letting anyone down by staying away if that's what you need to do.Jozie.. some decisions in self care are harder than others. Alanon tells us to put our own feelings first to take care of ourselves.
Prayer and meditation, deep breaths, quiet time with your thoughts to process all of this and hp will lead you to what's next.
I'm sorry your dear friend is so ill. He sounds like he has been through quite a bit. I'm sorry for how deeply this is hurting you and others who love him. I'm sorry for all the losses of people close you've experienced recently. Sending a prayer your way. TT
Wow, I should have read your follow up post. Looks like you have figured this out with the help of your hp. Hope you don't mind the extra post from me.. and who can't use an extra prayer
and Temple, I think I remember you too...What a beautiful story about your interaction with your mother, how you cried and she comforted you....ohhhh, that touched me as well.....so loving...thank you for sharing that....
Jozie, take care of you...and your friend is lucky to have a loyal pal like you......IN SUPPORT
Thank you all So Much, You will Never know the Help you Offered me in such a Trying time :) So Much has Happened since last week, it just Overwhelming, but Hope to bring to you all tomorrow..
Much Love, ALWAYS
Jozie
(((((((((((((((((((((((((J)))))))))))))))))))))))) well sugar pie, I am so glad to hear this and I am so glad we are on this board together....WOW!!! its been a long time, I wasn't even sure it was you at first, LOL...its been that long....So good to chat with you again.... As to your friend who is lucky to have you, I know you must love him dearly and of course you and he have our love and prayers.....take care of you, though ok??? You got a lot on your plate........HUGS