I know I'm posting loads on here, and that much of it isn't enlightened or helpful to others, but I honestly don't know where else to go to sort my feelings out.
I can't sleep. I've tried and tried, but it just won't come.
My husband went out to the pub tonight. No big traumas when he came home, which I am grateful for. But he did tell me that he intends to take the children to see my mil next weekend. He wants to keep the contact up. I understand that this is good for the children (she used to come over 3 times a week, up until her vile outburst at me in front of the children just over a week ago). I feel so very angry about the way she behaved towards me. She is an alcoholic herself so I get that she has her own issues. I'm trying to look at myself, forgive both of us (although I am genuinely perplexed about what I did to deserve it). So she explained to husband that it came out of her anger at me for controlling him. I admit that I have tried to control and can now see the error in this. For the record, I only tried to control the drinking. I did it through a mis placed love of him and our relationship.
He has accepted (I think) that our marriage is over, but wants a slow separation to get used to the idea and for the children. I agreed but that means I have to wait till February before we can put the house up for sale. Part of me thinks this is good, part of me desperately wants to kick my wounds in private.
The person I most want to share my pain with about this is my husband. But I know I can't. I can't go anywhere near my hurt with him because it adds up to me nagging/pressurising etc. So instead I'm sticking to the civil small responses, like, ''ok, you take the children to see mil on Sunday then'.
Husband didn't back me at all when his mother went for me. They are in constant contact. He defers to her. I can see that this is likely to be a result of his up bringing, but it still hurts that he backs her over me. Even when her behaviour is in warranted.
I know I need to focus on myself. I know I know. And I know that in his way he does love me, but this disease has broken us. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Until my hp comes through to me, this board is my substitute. Please help me.
Freetime said
Aug 7, 2018
--- The person I most want to share my pain with about this is my husband. ---
I understand. To me, this is the real tragedy of the alcoholic marriage. I too wanted to share my feelings with the person closest to me... my husband... but in truth there was nothing he could do about how I felt about his drinking and its consequences. It was like going to the hardware store and asking for bread. Even if the hardware store owner is very nice and listens to me, he can't sell me bread because he doesn't have it.
I too had issues with my husband's family. Later I realized that they were acting out the results of living with alcoholism, and it was the family dysfunction showing, nothing personal about me.
Before I got to Al-Anon, I had one friend I could talk to about this. I actually didn't know this friend was familiar with addiction until I happened to slip something out during a conversation... and I found her a god-send of understanding and information. It was only when I opened up to other people -- not just anyone, but someone I could trust -- that my healing began and I felt a glimmer of hope.
Posting here is great, and the board is always here for us. Reaching out to someone in-person is also very powerful.
A nother said
Aug 7, 2018
I have spoken to a friend about this recently. She was horrified. I know I need to be more careful about who I go to.
You are right. I shouldn't take this whole nightmare so personally. It is the disease. But the result is the same as if it were personal. I lose. I lose my family. My children will continue to see their granny, husband will continue to see the children, great times will be had by all. I will force the 'im so pleased you had fun, kids' smile on my face, know I missed out.
Of course I could backtrack and beg for the marriage to continue. Then I could spend the rest of my life being tolerant but not particularly happy.
I wish he could feel the pain I feel. He is sleeping like a baby next to me. Coping so well.
Jayla said
Aug 7, 2018
A nother many hugs to you. Im sorry you are in such pain! I was there a year or so ago. I can soooo relate to you saying it hurts it hurts it hurts. That is also how I felt. And I felt the same as you that my children and I were the only losers in the situation. He would keep on partying no matter what. My XAH cheated on me though so I knew I had to kick him out. At first it tore at my heart every time my little kids said I miss Papa. Where is Papa? But over the last year he has shown me many times over that I made the right decision and our lives are way more peaceful today and I dont suffer with the pain the way I did at first. My kids have adjusted well to the new normal. I dont know what your right answer is but when you figure it out, dont be afraid to do whats best for you and your children. He will either shape up or not. But hes an adult and has to make his own choices. It does get easier. Keep coming back to Al Anon.
Mattie said
Aug 8, 2018
Oh boy, another 6 months of this hostility and agony? That is a lot to endure. It's kind of ironic that he wants six months to 'get used to' the idea of splitting up - while you get no relief in the kind of behavior that no one can 'get used to.' I know that we family members of alcoholics have a lot of experience being around people with unreasonable behavior. I absolutely am not trying to tell you what to do, because you know the dynamics of your situation better than an outsider ever can. But I do wonder about this plan - what's in it for you? Sometimes I think we family members get so used to catering to them that we never think of putting ourselves front and center. We're used to trying to make their lives easier, in the hope that they won't get mad, or that their drinking will be a little less.
I don't know how old your kids are, but I hope they're safe while he takes them to his alcoholic mother's house. Is he driving? There's a 99% chance he will drive drunk, even if he swears he won't. Hope you all keep yourselves safe!
Aloha said
Aug 8, 2018
When I first went through my separation then divorce with my exAH, we lived together while we both looked for new places.
I had thought at first it would be fine to take our time and maybe get moved out in a few months. Boy was I wrong! I was continually feeling triggered by the alcoholic's behaviors. I watched him immediately start trying to open the doors to intimacy with other women and it was just painful for me. There was absolutely no consideration on his half for me. It was all about him and what he wanted to do and what made him feel good. If I disagreed with him then I was a "psycho" (in his words.)
I realized then that dragging it out wasn't going to work for my personal serenity. I found a place to move to as soon as I could.
Remember this program is about taking care of ourselves. I was encouraged to listen to my gut, and in the past I had ignored my gut feelings for so long for various reasons - usually those reasons were because I didn't want to be alone and wanted someone to validate me. Sometimes those reasons were financial. And then other times, those reasons were because I was trying to keep the peace or not have to deal with being uncomfortable because someone would be upset with me.
All of the aforementioned reasons are rooted in fear. And what is fear? "Forgetting Everything is All Right". I got to remind myself over and over again that God loves me and only wants me to be happy and that God would take good care of me if I exercised faith and trusted his will.
The alcoholic has his best interests in mind, and ONLY his best interests. It rarely ever changes unless they willingly throw themselves into recovery whole-heartedly.
Since I could not rely on the alcoholic to take care of me and keep my best interests in mind, I had to take a queue from his behaviors and do the same for myself. Put my best interests before the alcoholic. Because I sat well with my moral values, I knew that taking care of myself wasn't selfish at all. It was necessary.
And finally, yes... I remember sitting there some evenings wishing I had a magic wand where I could tap it to the alcholic's forehead and transfer all my hurt, anger, rage and despair to him so he'd get an inkling of how I felt every single day. Those feelings were yet another sign of how unmanageable my life had become. Time to wind it back to the first three steps: I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore myself to sanity. I turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him.
To sum up the first three steps: "I can't. God can. I'll let him."
Hope you're feeling some peace today.
Bo said
Aug 8, 2018
I had this -- and had it bad. I had it whether she was out, home, whatever. I can't explain what happened, but my thinking, my behavior, my everything just became so distorted, so warped, and I was just so immersed in my wife -- where she was going, what she was doing, that she was having fun, living life as if nothing was wrong, etc. I felt so betrayed, so hurt. I was emotionally begging and pleading for her to just be there, to just be present, so that I could express how I was feeling -- and beg her to just stop. Stop. STOP everything that was going on. I can't really explain it.
I remember one night she went out, I called my sponsor 10 times. I could not stop thinking about her and what she was doing. I felt so alone. At that point, thinking and knowing it was the disease did not help. It didn't matter. She was still doing it. She didn't have to go out. She didn't have to have fun drinking with her friends. She didn't have to do any of it. But I was so beaten down, so emotionally beaten, I just couldn't see or understand anything.
So, I hit rock bottom. My sponsor talked me through each and every conversation we had. He stopped me from driving by the bar and someone's house to look for her car. He stopped me from texting her, calling her. And, he stopped me from thinking about her, being angry, scared, empty, fearful, hurt, and everything else I was feeling.
He did it by walking me through, step by step, trivial task by trivial task, minute by minute, exactly how to focus on the next thing in front of me. Sometimes it seemed like second by second. The next thing -- whatever it was -- laundry, cleaning, paying bills, reading a book...I did it with him, over the phone, and he coached me on doing it with a laser precision focus there was no possible interruptions, not physically and not mentally. This may sound outlandish, however, this laser precision focus in simply folding laundry was what he had me do. And I did it. He described to me what I needed to do, I described to him the color of the shirt I was folding, he gave me step by step instructions, and I made sure every fold was lined up perfectly, and I kept doing this, each and every step. He asked me if the sleeve lined up with the body, and if the two didn't line up, then he had me re-do it. I had to re-do many parts, because they didn't line up, or they weren't even, and I described each step I took, he talked to me, about each and every detail. He asked me questions, asked me to describe what the last fold looked like, whether or not it was symmetrical. He had me check the length on each side, not measure it, but making sure it was even. He had me check the seams, each side, and asked me what it looked like. And this is what we did. Over and over again.
OK, sounds outlandish, right? It did to me. I complained. I yelled and said what the heck are we doing here...and he just said, focus, keep doing it, focus, what are we up to now, and he kept going and going. This is crazy I said. Maybe he said, but this is what we are doing so focus, focus on the very next step, the next action in front of you.
OK...here's the question...I will ask you the same question he asked me, but in these circumstances...in the time that it took you to read the paragraph above, from the words that are bolded and underlined, "He did it" right through to the end of the paragraph -- in the amount of time it took you to read that entire paragraph...did you think about him?
Point made...I hope.
A nother said
Aug 8, 2018
Point taken Bo. Thanks..
mamalioness said
Aug 9, 2018
A nother, your posts belong here as much as anyone else....I am glad you have this board to vent your feelings..journaling here or in pvt is very good therapy...I do my private "chats with me" getting ready to do one now....I only share them with a VERY few people whom I trust....I doubt I will ever post them here as I am tired of burdenng others with my shares when I do start a thread here, but then, I catch me when I am thinking this way "I have the RIGHT to share or not share here AS I NEED to for MY recovery" so you share and we will read....I may not have much to offer, but I've been in your shoes...leaving me and thinking of him and whats he doing??? saying to others about me?? (he slagged me to his friends to justify his bad behavior-----his friends were on to him so it backfired on him, lol) but yea, I abandoned me , thinking about him.....looking back, I see how different I am now as compared to pre-reocovery me.....i like the "2nd me" that exists now...I have my moments, like at times, "what am I doing on earth??? do I even have a purpose????" time for me to journal...Been kinda "up and down" with my feelings of late....I know whats bothering me and a good journal to me and my inner HP is in order.....take care and keep coming here....
el-cee said
Aug 9, 2018
It's so good your reaching out here and getting suggestions from people who know this path. I suggest that while the kids are at the mil then you go to a meeting. Find it on the official alanon website. Hopefully there will be one that suits you. If not then try reading more about our philosophy. That's what alanon is. It's a different way to think and behave. Alanon tells us that changed attitudes aid recovery. Your recovery from alcoholism. It has symptoms for us like any other disease. I often wish you could look it up the way you can look up diabetes or the flu. For me it would say the symptoms are distorted and disturbed thought processes that cause misery anxiety and depression. The thought processes for me were mainly self pity. I wallowed in each and every situation because I truly believed I was being treated badly by people and that they had to change. This was faulty because although I was most likely being treated badly especially by my ex ah. It wasn't him that had to change. It was me. Other symptoms I found in me were anger martyr controlling fear resentments. The treatment that is recovery and alanon is my medicine every single day like my life depends on it.
mamalioness said
Aug 9, 2018
(((((((el-cee))))))). Thank you for sharing. I could so relate to what you said about being the martyr and thinking that others had to change for me to feel better. I now know that I am the one who has to change or to make changes in how I am handling something and practice it enough for it to become a healthier habit. Oh yeah I was the consummate victim and martyr and pity seeker but now I vent or write in my journal or contact another recovery mate And get the perspective I need to change my thinking and to change my response. The slogan, let it begin with me, and keep the focus on me, both of those Slogans come to mind here. I really enjoyed reading your posts. I always walk away a bit wiser. Thank you for being here
I know I'm posting loads on here, and that much of it isn't enlightened or helpful to others, but I honestly don't know where else to go to sort my feelings out.
I can't sleep. I've tried and tried, but it just won't come.
My husband went out to the pub tonight. No big traumas when he came home, which I am grateful for. But he did tell me that he intends to take the children to see my mil next weekend. He wants to keep the contact up. I understand that this is good for the children (she used to come over 3 times a week, up until her vile outburst at me in front of the children just over a week ago). I feel so very angry about the way she behaved towards me. She is an alcoholic herself so I get that she has her own issues. I'm trying to look at myself, forgive both of us (although I am genuinely perplexed about what I did to deserve it). So she explained to husband that it came out of her anger at me for controlling him. I admit that I have tried to control and can now see the error in this. For the record, I only tried to control the drinking. I did it through a mis placed love of him and our relationship.
He has accepted (I think) that our marriage is over, but wants a slow separation to get used to the idea and for the children. I agreed but that means I have to wait till February before we can put the house up for sale. Part of me thinks this is good, part of me desperately wants to kick my wounds in private.
The person I most want to share my pain with about this is my husband. But I know I can't. I can't go anywhere near my hurt with him because it adds up to me nagging/pressurising etc. So instead I'm sticking to the civil small responses, like, ''ok, you take the children to see mil on Sunday then'.
Husband didn't back me at all when his mother went for me. They are in constant contact. He defers to her. I can see that this is likely to be a result of his up bringing, but it still hurts that he backs her over me. Even when her behaviour is in warranted.
I know I need to focus on myself. I know I know. And I know that in his way he does love me, but this disease has broken us. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
Until my hp comes through to me, this board is my substitute. Please help me.
I understand. To me, this is the real tragedy of the alcoholic marriage. I too wanted to share my feelings with the person closest to me... my husband... but in truth there was nothing he could do about how I felt about his drinking and its consequences. It was like going to the hardware store and asking for bread. Even if the hardware store owner is very nice and listens to me, he can't sell me bread because he doesn't have it.
I too had issues with my husband's family. Later I realized that they were acting out the results of living with alcoholism, and it was the family dysfunction showing, nothing personal about me.
Before I got to Al-Anon, I had one friend I could talk to about this. I actually didn't know this friend was familiar with addiction until I happened to slip something out during a conversation... and I found her a god-send of understanding and information. It was only when I opened up to other people -- not just anyone, but someone I could trust -- that my healing began and I felt a glimmer of hope.
Posting here is great, and the board is always here for us. Reaching out to someone in-person is also very powerful.
You are right. I shouldn't take this whole nightmare so personally. It is the disease. But the result is the same as if it were personal. I lose. I lose my family. My children will continue to see their granny, husband will continue to see the children, great times will be had by all. I will force the 'im so pleased you had fun, kids' smile on my face, know I missed out.
Of course I could backtrack and beg for the marriage to continue. Then I could spend the rest of my life being tolerant but not particularly happy.
I wish he could feel the pain I feel. He is sleeping like a baby next to me. Coping so well.
Oh boy, another 6 months of this hostility and agony? That is a lot to endure. It's kind of ironic that he wants six months to 'get used to' the idea of splitting up - while you get no relief in the kind of behavior that no one can 'get used to.' I know that we family members of alcoholics have a lot of experience being around people with unreasonable behavior. I absolutely am not trying to tell you what to do, because you know the dynamics of your situation better than an outsider ever can. But I do wonder about this plan - what's in it for you? Sometimes I think we family members get so used to catering to them that we never think of putting ourselves front and center. We're used to trying to make their lives easier, in the hope that they won't get mad, or that their drinking will be a little less.
I don't know how old your kids are, but I hope they're safe while he takes them to his alcoholic mother's house. Is he driving? There's a 99% chance he will drive drunk, even if he swears he won't. Hope you all keep yourselves safe!
I had thought at first it would be fine to take our time and maybe get moved out in a few months. Boy was I wrong! I was continually feeling triggered by the alcoholic's behaviors. I watched him immediately start trying to open the doors to intimacy with other women and it was just painful for me. There was absolutely no consideration on his half for me. It was all about him and what he wanted to do and what made him feel good. If I disagreed with him then I was a "psycho" (in his words.)
I realized then that dragging it out wasn't going to work for my personal serenity. I found a place to move to as soon as I could.
Remember this program is about taking care of ourselves. I was encouraged to listen to my gut, and in the past I had ignored my gut feelings for so long for various reasons - usually those reasons were because I didn't want to be alone and wanted someone to validate me. Sometimes those reasons were financial. And then other times, those reasons were because I was trying to keep the peace or not have to deal with being uncomfortable because someone would be upset with me.
All of the aforementioned reasons are rooted in fear. And what is fear? "Forgetting Everything is All Right". I got to remind myself over and over again that God loves me and only wants me to be happy and that God would take good care of me if I exercised faith and trusted his will.
The alcoholic has his best interests in mind, and ONLY his best interests. It rarely ever changes unless they willingly throw themselves into recovery whole-heartedly.
Since I could not rely on the alcoholic to take care of me and keep my best interests in mind, I had to take a queue from his behaviors and do the same for myself. Put my best interests before the alcoholic. Because I sat well with my moral values, I knew that taking care of myself wasn't selfish at all. It was necessary.
And finally, yes... I remember sitting there some evenings wishing I had a magic wand where I could tap it to the alcholic's forehead and transfer all my hurt, anger, rage and despair to him so he'd get an inkling of how I felt every single day. Those feelings were yet another sign of how unmanageable my life had become. Time to wind it back to the first three steps: I'm powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore myself to sanity. I turned my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood him.
To sum up the first three steps: "I can't. God can. I'll let him."
Hope you're feeling some peace today.
I had this -- and had it bad. I had it whether she was out, home, whatever. I can't explain what happened, but my thinking, my behavior, my everything just became so distorted, so warped, and I was just so immersed in my wife -- where she was going, what she was doing, that she was having fun, living life as if nothing was wrong, etc. I felt so betrayed, so hurt. I was emotionally begging and pleading for her to just be there, to just be present, so that I could express how I was feeling -- and beg her to just stop. Stop. STOP everything that was going on. I can't really explain it.
I remember one night she went out, I called my sponsor 10 times. I could not stop thinking about her and what she was doing. I felt so alone. At that point, thinking and knowing it was the disease did not help. It didn't matter. She was still doing it. She didn't have to go out. She didn't have to have fun drinking with her friends. She didn't have to do any of it. But I was so beaten down, so emotionally beaten, I just couldn't see or understand anything.
So, I hit rock bottom. My sponsor talked me through each and every conversation we had. He stopped me from driving by the bar and someone's house to look for her car. He stopped me from texting her, calling her. And, he stopped me from thinking about her, being angry, scared, empty, fearful, hurt, and everything else I was feeling.
He did it by walking me through, step by step, trivial task by trivial task, minute by minute, exactly how to focus on the next thing in front of me. Sometimes it seemed like second by second. The next thing -- whatever it was -- laundry, cleaning, paying bills, reading a book...I did it with him, over the phone, and he coached me on doing it with a laser precision focus there was no possible interruptions, not physically and not mentally. This may sound outlandish, however, this laser precision focus in simply folding laundry was what he had me do. And I did it. He described to me what I needed to do, I described to him the color of the shirt I was folding, he gave me step by step instructions, and I made sure every fold was lined up perfectly, and I kept doing this, each and every step. He asked me if the sleeve lined up with the body, and if the two didn't line up, then he had me re-do it. I had to re-do many parts, because they didn't line up, or they weren't even, and I described each step I took, he talked to me, about each and every detail. He asked me questions, asked me to describe what the last fold looked like, whether or not it was symmetrical. He had me check the length on each side, not measure it, but making sure it was even. He had me check the seams, each side, and asked me what it looked like. And this is what we did. Over and over again.
OK, sounds outlandish, right? It did to me. I complained. I yelled and said what the heck are we doing here...and he just said, focus, keep doing it, focus, what are we up to now, and he kept going and going. This is crazy I said. Maybe he said, but this is what we are doing so focus, focus on the very next step, the next action in front of you.
OK...here's the question...I will ask you the same question he asked me, but in these circumstances...in the time that it took you to read the paragraph above, from the words that are bolded and underlined, "He did it" right through to the end of the paragraph -- in the amount of time it took you to read that entire paragraph...did you think about him?
Point made...I hope.