The price we pay for being with family is emotion... and my FOO did not learn to express emotion in healthy ways...

I owe my life to my hometown group... and a life worth living- surely...

...I always maintained my balance in group- in the rooms- by doing my own personal shares.

in my small town it was hard to hide- my car parked outside of the rooms. One suggested I was going to AA- which did not worry me none. I knew where I was. we had an open meeting with AA and I was happy to be there too.

I had two favourite aunts- and it got back to them I was an alcoholic- which caused me to be scapegoated- which was sad for me.

Even if i was- it is an illness. But the rest of the world don't see it that way.

My mum worked in a treatment centre for a few years.She had a copy of ODAT. But it always looked like it was just out of its wrapper. She talked about the programme, some, but she was also swayed by other family members. After our dad died I kept on going to Alanon. One brother told mum I was still going- because I thought she was an alcoholic!

i just wished some adult in my world would show some discernment! My mum, obviously had the good grace to mention this to me.

I get so angry and mad sometimes- at the illness!!! The lies and the false information.

Like the idea that the only alcoholics sit on a park bench- drinking out of a bottle wrapped in a paper bag! My grandfather and three uncles were also alcoholics... my father's stepfather was a doctor- and a drunk.

Maybe that was why I took so quickly to the Bill W and Dr Bob story!

I know- if I had 'gone with the flow' I would have died years ago. Of suicidal despair. I had to make changes- I had to move from survival to discovery. As our Alanon adult child manual says.

I have a good marriage; was NOT always easy. Our kids are okay- and much better adjusted than I was. Not perfect- but okay, right now.

I see raw experience, and raw emotions- coming into the rooms. 
i welcome this, this is me too. There are no strangers here.  ...

Thanks so much for this group. Thanks so much, for reading to the end...  ...

...and thanks Alanon.

DavidG.

Mahalo David for that honest open share.  I relate some to it.  Of my family in origin I am the only one I know of still in recovery.  My family doesn't understand what the problem is which is the position I took before getting into the rooms of the Family Groups and then also AA after 9 years sober while attending Al-Anon.  I got the feedback from my counselors and doctors that there was a problem in my personality and a color in my skin that wasn't normal.  I got feedback from family and others I drank with that I wasn't a normal drinker in that once I started I would not stop.  That's the past...40 years ago  I no longer have much of the symptoms of the disease cepting for the thinking  that I might be able to have just one or a few but those thoughts leave dragging what I have learned in the program and relationships behind them.  "I don't...I have had enough".

I have let go of the past as if it is fantasy...Where as when I finally submitted to recovery I admitted that I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know what this alcoholism stuff was.  I stuck around and listened with an open mind and then went deeper into knowledge and awareness and understanding and woke up crying and screaming.  I know and know that I know now and I see the disease and my part in it with find contrast.  Most of what I have become aware of sickens my heart and would still if I agreed to participate in the disease with still living family today.  "No thank you...I've had enough" (given to me by a recovering fellow who was brought to it by his Higher Power as a cousin reached out and offered him his once favorite brew).  

Anger isn't a affordable emotion for me today.  It went hand and hand in the past with the ism and almost ended the lives of others and maybe my own.  "The opposite of anger is acceptance" ...Acceptance is healthier, mind, body, spirit and emotions so I can keep coming back.   I appreciate your presence in my recovery.  ((((hugs)))) 

  Thanks Jerry and Mama...

                                            things are looking up in our home. This year we cleared our debt- and [one day at a time] it looks like we will have a settled and productive retirement. As I get older I sometimes wonder about my relevance to the world... ...somehow I retained my impish sense of humour... ...[it was locked away for a long, long time.]

These three months I have planned to take Alanon back to my community. No guarantee of success... but worth a try. I need to maintain my fluency in sharing. I can no longer hide in the back of a large meeting! I know how to give as well as take; take as well as give... to maintain my own centre and focus... in troubled and troubling situations.

A the last assembly I went to I mentioned my plans- and now I acted on them. I would like to see an Alanon that bring hope to new generations. In the thick of it it sometimes seems that nothing will ever change. But I see changes in family life- and priorities- that give me hope- over all.

Alanon must change and adapt- without losing any of it's integrity or principles. 

One trend is that a lot of people may come in for shorter times... to check it out. Some for only one meeting.

I had started advertising- but at my first meeting I was alone. Not unexpected. I went through our box of papers- throwing out outdated stuff. Amongst the files were letters to the former group- from members who had moved away from town. I threw out envelopes and identifying information. These were lovely memories. and this gave me renewed hope.

So I am keeping my membership current.

To give it my best shot- in other words...  ...

((David))) I can understand your anger however as jerryf pointed out i can no longer embrace anger as it destroyed me years ago and left me filled with self pity and remorse.
i am pleased that you have started a new group . i have done this as well and visited other groups in the neigborhood to announce my meeting. It took a few months to take off but it is still going today after 25 years-- In fact you attended it when in NYC.

you are a great asset here I love sharing the journey with you

 Thanks Iam and Betty...

                                    blowing out cobwebs. Yes... I think about my nieces and nephews- and my own kids... going back to my cousins kids- 3 in jail and one gang associate. My sister's son died of a drug overdose over the back fence from here.

Sad realities, but my sharing made me aware that both brothers, sister, and cousins love their kids and include them in family life. They do their very best.

I cannot fix everyone and every thing. In my teenage idealism- this seemed possible... and I embrace those sentiments, as they were.

I think my anger at lost opportunities, lost dreams stem from there... I know I have/need/ to be a good example of Alanon recovery. No more- no less.

 Aw thanks- Lup and Nother...  ...

Alanon is a family group- we share so much and bond here- in healthy ways...  ...

The other side of anger for me is to isolate. I am so, so glad I no longer do this... and I do feel like "one of the gang" -which is really healing!!!  

mamalioness wrote:

---

I think my anger at lost opportunities, lost dreams stem from there.
**************************************************

this is where my anger is....

************************

My mum used to say "better late than never".

Like your mum my mum was complicit in the abuse and neglect.  ...

She was dragged into it- by the illness. She knew nothing else.

I was one of those people- who made their peace with their mother- in the last two years of her life.

Yes, Rosie- this is why I am here- with a slim hand-hold on reality.

My mum worked as a nurse in the treatment industry. She had a copy of ODAT- which was rarely opened. I doubt if she went to more than two meetings in her life. she came from a mind-set where they locked kids away- gave them ECT and heavy drugs like lead weights. That was the

answer to naughty kids who asked too many questions. Shut them up and shut them down.

So they punished us cruelly as kids- because they could not get their life together. Neglected and abandoned. Because they were neglected and abandoned- the only culture they knew. I can speak a small bit of our native language- and sing a few songs in it. But along with the addiction-

was the cultural shame- which was crippling.

This is not the only component of addiction and despair- but one aspect of it.

I have gotten some of the eanswers now. My life seems like a wasted opportunity. But i do know how to grieve.

When I am in a safe place i weep openly. I know in the rooms they are not going to cart me away and "fix me up" because that is the sign of a breakdown.

Living in a small community I have seen it all- the lies, the abuse, the neglect. In many families including my teuli, whanau; haanau, or 'ohana- as Jerry would call it.

These days I mostly weep with relief and gratitude. I get triggered by other speakers at meetings- and weep- which is really neat! A true bond.

My identity- I do a lot of family history- and I understand their struggles.

My DNA says that I am 1/125 Pacific Islander... which connects to my belief system... and to the other 124 tupuna [ancestors]. And to the middle east, and to the other parts of the world... and to my sisters and brothers... like you... nui tonu... always shall be...

...I would really like to meet you in person. My brother lives just north of you- in and lakes area. He was the youngest and is truly a lost child.

Inside the rooms- including here- we do get to know each other so thoroughly well... deep emotional intimacy and a true bond. Achieving deep abiding boundaries is a saving grace for us... as the most humble, lost and broken level of humanity.

nuff said...  ...i know your saying- 'jus' sayin'...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Rosie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

DavidG wrote:

---

mamalioness wrote:

---

Like your mum my mum was complicit in the abuse and neglect.  ...

Yes, Rosie- this is why I am here- with a slim hand-hold on reality.

where they locked kids away-  Shut them up and shut them down.

I have gotten some of the eanswers now. My life seems like a wasted opportunity. But i do know how to grieve.

When I am in a safe place i weep openly. 

My DNA says that I am 1/125 Pacific Islander... which connects to my belief system... ...

I would really like to meet you in person. My brother lives just north of you- in and lakes area. He was the youngest and is truly a lost child.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Rosie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

---

 Dear Dear (((((((((((((David))))))))))))))  I, too, can weep openly, in my room, or maybe on the phone or in person with a very trusted person, like my BFF or my beloved cousin or my bestie across the street and even on the phone with a trusted recovery mate......yea, your mother sounds a lot like mine..enabling toxic behavior.....Mine wanted her furs and trips back to EU and we were the price.....

I , too got my DNA checked....50% Irish /Brittish on her side........50% E.EU,(Ger) and Russian on his side..My looks are very Russian..Even my cement teeth and thick, course blonde hair....Russian women and kids were taught to take it and shut up, if they were unlucky enough to have a tyrant husband/dad......Don't cry, it is a sign of weakness and will get you more beatings, etc..and BOY is it hard for me to ask for help.....This attitude is changing in Russia and E. EU , finally, and I am glad, but being tough..being resilient...being stoic is still there...I am learning to balance that....I see that to show feelings, now, is no longer a sign of weakness...I only know a few words in RU, but used to be pretty good with German as a kid..When his grandparents left RU to E. EU and Germany, to try and make a better life for themselves, they were good at "fitting in" and Nanny ended up owning a couple of grocery stores...She was your typical Matushka, dedicated to home but an opportunity came up with the stores and she and her sister (who lived nearby)  jumped on it...Grampapa was "OK" with it as long as dinner was served and the kids were clean and behaving...They were good people, even tho grampapa was strict, he was a hard worker and dedicated to providing for and protecting his family..I can only imagine what they thought, living in Ger and E. EU, having my sire and his siblings as the as tensions built in RU leading to the revolution that tore up their parent's country.. ..I never saw emotions in those people..They were fun to be with, though and Grampapa adored me and played with me..He died after a short illness when I was very young, (Grampapa and nanny had moved to America when their kids were old enough to get work, or finishing college to escape the threat of Hitler) ..Talk about two people who had it tough, "country  hopping to escape oppression" but adapted and not only that but overcame and flourished.....

Dunno how the offender became the monster he was..Just goes to show you that a bad spirit can crop up anywhere.....

IF you ever get back to see your brother, PLEASE call me (will send you pm) and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see you...My door would always be open to you, my good mate.....what a GREAT chat we could have...I am so glad you are my friend..I am the blessed one for that......and yep...........JUST saying 

   Rosie... I have probably actually driven past your place- or your township at least...

when we are stateside I sent time with John the founder, and another member from our other group- they lived in the same town.

Being a humble country cousin I never really go past without dropping in. Being in this group it took me a time of adjustment... realising that a lot of city folk do not say ~howdy~ the first time y'all meet them. But then, scratch and chatter a little and you will find country in most people.

My rural culture helped me a lot with boundaries... and coming to term with healthy boundaries. People who know each other well always maintain really good boundaries.

Sometimes we said we knew each other too well! And that was another side of the story!  ...

But part of my survival was that a number of people offered help and support along the way- rural values- getting me paid work, sleeping over when ah were a kid- all that sort of stuff. I know now that that was not enough to take away the deep sense of abandonment. I always say that charity begins at home... and I mean that means going forward- values and boundaries.

But the old saying [I made it up}. My dad people- said would give anyone the shirt off of his back. But he kept my mum at home- barefoot and pregnant.

A sad anomaly of life.

Times are changing... I do see glimpses of hope with each new generation... ...this was hard to see- for along while.  ...

But getting there... huh...?

_D.

This was really an open letter to you Rosie... happy for all to see- who read my postings here... yes... to y'all...

 Hmmm what I really logged in to say was this:

About fear and anger... I did not want to steal another person's thunder... fear I used to call terror. And anger I called rage. Grief i used to call despair.

Because there was no outlet. It just boiled up and bottled up. Letting go seemed impossible. Let go and let God- an impossible dream.

In know now I was clinically ill. But I was trying my best.

But I seem to have made it. I worked out that everyone else in the world has their moments- as well. That was helpful. A relief.

But also that some of us stay hurting so darned hard!

 ((((((((((((David))))))))))) My reality b4 recovery was fear WAS terror for me and my anger was red hot scalding rage...and grief?? yep...despair...same feelings as you had.....and i had no outlet either so I hurt me with pulling my hair and verbally abusing me....I hated me....especially when I would do stupid things (proving him right--that I was stupid) out of not being mindful/in my body/in the present......and letting go to what???  a God???  Where is it??  When I see all the unanswered calls for help from innocent, being killed by abuse, children and nothing , no help for them,  Yea, whatever HP there is is , to me, positive, loving energy of the universe and because I am a part of the universe, a part of that universal love, compassion, truth, morals, ethics, honesty, et al live within me.......I sooo relate to your post......WOW!!!! you echo my thoughts and feelings SO much

((david)))) I'm often so awestruck by yours shares that go right to the heart of what so so many of us in this program have experienced that I often can't add much but gratitude to you for your wisdom and insights. I always feel less alone reflecting on the journey which got me here after reading your shares. Glad you keep coming back! TT