I couldn't share in my first meeting, so I'm putting it here.
A nother said
Aug 6, 2018
I went to my first face to face meeting today. I'm a bit embarrassed about it because every time I needed to speak I started crying and my voice kind of wailed, even when I only had to read one of the steps.
I feel much calmer now though, and kind of wish I'd shared because I could relate to the topic. It was about obsession. I have spent a long long time obsessed by my husband and his drunken behaviour. His binges don't happen every week or even every month sometimes, but I have been obsessed with the thought of the next one. When will it happen again, how can I limit the impact of it etc.
Someone shared about the damage done to her by her alcoholic parent and it really made me stop. I have accepted that I can't change/control the drinking, and my husband has said that he doesn't intend to stop. Divorce is going to be painful for all of us, but on the other hand, staying could cause more harm to my children. I have a choice now. I could carry on in this marriage with my Al anon support, or go through the divorce and hope that I can provide a stable, safe, loving environment for the children which will ensure their mental health is not damaged. But the divorce might damage their mental health.
The decision is not easy.
Whatever happens, I must work in my state of mind. I need to stop obsessing and find peace. My children could learn from my example and have peace too.
I must not do my husband down in front of the children. This is unhealthy.
I must stop these negative thoughts which go around and around in my head, particularly the ones about my husband's choice. They are giving me wrinkles.
One of the group members gave me some leaflets as I was leaving. One of them is about spotting whether you are a child of an alcoholic. I think my husband is. He shows so many of the traits on the tick list. Also his parent is very against me controlling his drinking, even though they told me on a different occasion that they wish he would stop drinking. It doesn't matter though, that is his problem. I need to detach with love.
This brings me to my question. One of the leaflets says not to allow a negative atmosphere into the home. This one is the one I am really struggling with. Husband wants us to wait till February before we sell the house so that he can get used to the idea. I've agreed because at the time I thought it'd be better for the children. My new bed arrives on Thursday and we will be in separate rooms from then till we move. But we have nothing to say to each other now, and I'm biting my tongue because I don't want to keep going on about Al anon, which is about all I'm doing at the moment. He said this evening that he feels as though I'm drifting away from him. I am. I thought I was detaching. But the atmosphere is bad. What can I do to improve this without leading him to believe that I want to stay in the relationship?
DavidG said
Aug 6, 2018
Bold share, A.
A negative atmosphere... a negative atmosphere...??? When we have been walking in eggshells for years. Walking on broken glass, even. ...
At my first meeting I was taught about detachment. Continue to love the person- as a human being, but to hate the disease. [By this I mean- he is the father of your kids.] This took me months and years- of slow daily work- and letting go. Not much use having our smile painted on...
...and being pleasant- civil- is a good goal... and a good habit- where possible... ...
we see this- in the rooms... where we can relax- and be ourselves- just as we are... ...
Iamhere said
Aug 6, 2018
So, so glad to hear you got to a meeting! Sharing is often difficult and tears are common - no worries at all. I am hoping you got a phone list. That was 'golden' to me.
We too lived separate lives for a while as I worked on myself, my resentments, etc. I had to learn how to detach and how to 'act as if'. For me, being pleasant and civil were rehearsed but necessary. I am quite certain he doesn't want to hear about recovery. That's OK and his choice - use your phone list to talk about recovery....that's what it's for! You can also call anyone at any time to ask any question or share issues and joys. I had to learn to lean towards healthy minded people who supported me and how to love myself in order to learn how to detach from my AH. It was first with indifference and then with love.
As far as a negative environment - use the serenity prayer as best you can. What you can change is you, your outlook, your patience, your dialogue. The more I worked on me, the less stress was in the air. It was hard to own and admit, but most of the tension and anxiety in our home was caused by me -- not the alcoholic. My reactions to their choices, actions, words were over the top and my expectations were unrealistic as I wasn't dealing with a rational person.
Instead of viewing the home as a negative vs. positive place, consider one day at a time what you can do to have as much peace as possible in the room you are planted in. When I was cooking, I turned on music. When I was watching TV, I let the kids pick. When I was in my BR, I read, meditated, etc. I made sure I had some me time each day - 5 mins. or as much as available to walk, pray, etc. We tend to think in all/nothing silos, and I broke things down into minutes, rooms, hours, sections, days....whatever it took to remind me I was working on my recovery for me, my future and the sanity of myself and my kids.
I hope you plan to keep going to meetings and just take things One Day at a Time. We also learn in recovery to say what we mean, mean what we say and to not say it mean. You are not responsible for anyone else's assumptions, presumptions or projecting. Being civil is nothing more and/or nothing less - it's just being civil. (((Hugs)))
Aloha said
Aug 6, 2018
I'm so glad you were able to get to a meeting. Many, many of us did not share in our first meeting. I've seen some members who've not shared for lots of meetings. You do what feels comfortable to you. Remember that meetings are a safe place and it's ok to feel emotional and to even display emotion. We've all been there. This disease hurts! But I can bet you everyone at your meeting was glad to see you were there.
Regarding the negative atmosphere,
This makes me think it's along the lines of detachment. While we cannot control whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, we also need not make home a hostile environment. If anything we try to maintain peace for our own sakes. I don't know about you, but I really do not like how I feel when I get upset and angry. Sometimes the emotions are so bad it can make me feel physically ill. This doesn't mean be a doormat to the alcoholic, but remembering that we don't have to attend every argument we're invited to.
I like to recall the use of the acronym T.H.I.N.K. when I feel tempted to unload on someone:
is it Thoughtful
is it Honest
is it Intelligent
is it Necessary
is it Kind
If it's none of the above then I default to "when in doubt, don't".
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2018
Hi Many experience the inability to share at the first few meetings i beleive it is because we finally feel safe, and understood and that is why the tears start.
To answer your question about removing the negative vibes from your home, i found reading alanon literature each morning, talking to my sponsor when necessary and reminding myself of alanon principles throughout the day helped me to not react but to respond with courtesy nd respect, you can do this as you are not alone
A nother said
Aug 7, 2018
The thing that bothers him is the silence. I don't have anything productive to say. It would be so much easier if I lived somewhere away from him.
I just can't imagine my life quietly accepting his drinking and constantly battling my feelings.
hotrod said
Aug 7, 2018
We can treat everyone with courtesy nd respect comment on the weather or a TV show and respond when they speak. I know it seems as if it would be easier alone but until you are ready try the tools.
Bo said
Aug 7, 2018
Thank you for sharing A nother... as a newcomer/beginner, coming to meetings can be overwhelming, for many reasons...however, these people aren't strangers...they are friends you just haven't met yet. They have been through what you are going through, they have seen what you are seeing, and they have been where you are right now...so they understand...and they got through it. You can learn from them, and the program.
That said, I've been in alanon for about half my life. I've rarely seen a situation where drinking has not negatively impacted the home, home life, and the people in it. It's interesting, concerning, somewhat contradictory -- that your husband wants to wait and knows the house is going to be sold, you have a separate bed on the way, and you'll be living in separate bedrooms...and at the same time he feels as though you are drifting away from him. Weird. As far as the children...the old-fashion, back in the so called day stigma of the "broken home" -- where the two parents no longer live together, are married, etc. -- is long gone. It has nothing to do with people's perception, it exclusively is about what you think is best for your children. I've seen many people land on the side of "we are just staying together because of the klds" or "we'll split up later, after the kids move out, graduate, etc." or whatever. There is some triggering event or time event that will be when people separate, leave, divorce, whatever. In my experience, that is letting the tail wag the dog and leads to an even bigger problem(s). In my experience, if you believe in that silly "broken home" term -- well, then -- kids are far better off, healthier, and happier, coming from a broken home as opposed to living in one.
Be that as it may, you referenced you keep going on about alanon...ok...why? To what end? Alanon is about attraction, not promotion. Are you still trying to get him to quit? Are you still trying to prove a point? Check your motives. Alanon supplies US with tools FOR US. Alanon does not give us ammunition to try and change the other person. Alanon is about us changing ourselves, and letting go, detaching, stopping the trying to change the other person. It's about acceptance.
As far as the atmosphere -- you can be civil, polite, etc., without the "selling" or "preaching" of alanon. You can be civil and polite, without misleading him. You can make your position clear -- reiterate about the house being sold, etc. If you've already made your decision and are moving toward that -- then when you do talk to him, not when he's been drinking, then let him know what you are doing, when you are doing it, etc. If you haven't, that's OK too. However, it's hard to do things when living with someone and not tell them. I moved out of the bedroom -- and I made the decision -- but I told my wife. Obviously she would realize it, LOL, but I didn't want it to be a surprise, and have her be shocked that I decided to do so. Living together while working toward a separation or whatever status you are getting to -- can be difficult. Do the right thing. Be kind, polite, civil, etc. Take the high road. Do the next right thing and you'll be fine. This is a great topic to talk about with a sponsor. Keep going to meetings!!!
A nother said
Aug 7, 2018
Thanks for the responses. He does know I'm going into the spare room and that for me this is a separation which is going to lead to divorce.
I am being civil. I'm biting my tongue hard. I'm not telling him about Al anon, but that is my current obsession. So there are silences.
I feel defensive. I'm so angry about the events which have led to this, yet unable to truly vent because it won't help. Then on top of that I feel criticism poring from him because I'm not being the loving wife he wants. And on top of that I can see my part in this chaos, and that ranting never helped before so I'm more determined not to rant more, and so the cycle continues.
But I'm grateful for your replies. I know I'm not alone.
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2018
I hear you nother - I also came to the realization that words were pointless, just for today. I bit my tongue often just to ensure peace. What did truly help me though was the program suggestions of self-care. When I felt stressed, I'd take a walk. If I couldn't because of kids/what-not, I'd put headphones in while cooking - with a podcast or christian music. What I kept hearing in meetings is that if I wanted a different outcome, I had to do things different....
It was trial/error and it was 'fake it until you make it often' but it did slowly get better in my mind and heart. There is no quick fix for anger/resentments. Sharing them with trusted program friends did help lighten my load. Hang in there and keep coming back! (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Aug 7, 2018
I can certainly understand the silence aspect and how it bothers him. However, you are not doing it maliciously, or spitefully, or to punish him. Try to focus on YOU. Not him.
Very often there is not a lot productive to say. He certainly isn't doing anything "productive" that you can or should comment on. So, you mind your own business. Fortunately, you do not have to imagine your life, sitting by in silence, struggling, suffering, and accepting his drinking. You are fortunate, so fortunate. Many people do in fact do exactly just that. You are not one of them. Be grateful.
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 7th of August 2018 04:22:52 PM
I went to my first face to face meeting today. I'm a bit embarrassed about it because every time I needed to speak I started crying and my voice kind of wailed, even when I only had to read one of the steps.
I feel much calmer now though, and kind of wish I'd shared because I could relate to the topic. It was about obsession. I have spent a long long time obsessed by my husband and his drunken behaviour. His binges don't happen every week or even every month sometimes, but I have been obsessed with the thought of the next one. When will it happen again, how can I limit the impact of it etc.
Someone shared about the damage done to her by her alcoholic parent and it really made me stop. I have accepted that I can't change/control the drinking, and my husband has said that he doesn't intend to stop. Divorce is going to be painful for all of us, but on the other hand, staying could cause more harm to my children. I have a choice now. I could carry on in this marriage with my Al anon support, or go through the divorce and hope that I can provide a stable, safe, loving environment for the children which will ensure their mental health is not damaged. But the divorce might damage their mental health.
The decision is not easy.
Whatever happens, I must work in my state of mind. I need to stop obsessing and find peace. My children could learn from my example and have peace too.
I must not do my husband down in front of the children. This is unhealthy.
I must stop these negative thoughts which go around and around in my head, particularly the ones about my husband's choice. They are giving me wrinkles.
One of the group members gave me some leaflets as I was leaving. One of them is about spotting whether you are a child of an alcoholic. I think my husband is. He shows so many of the traits on the tick list. Also his parent is very against me controlling his drinking, even though they told me on a different occasion that they wish he would stop drinking. It doesn't matter though, that is his problem. I need to detach with love.
This brings me to my question. One of the leaflets says not to allow a negative atmosphere into the home. This one is the one I am really struggling with. Husband wants us to wait till February before we sell the house so that he can get used to the idea. I've agreed because at the time I thought it'd be better for the children. My new bed arrives on Thursday and we will be in separate rooms from then till we move. But we have nothing to say to each other now, and I'm biting my tongue because I don't want to keep going on about Al anon, which is about all I'm doing at the moment. He said this evening that he feels as though I'm drifting away from him. I am. I thought I was detaching. But the atmosphere is bad. What can I do to improve this without leading him to believe that I want to stay in the relationship?
Bold share, A.
A negative atmosphere... a negative atmosphere...??? When we have been walking in eggshells for years. Walking on broken glass, even.
...
At my first meeting I was taught about detachment. Continue to love the person- as a human being, but to hate the disease. [By this I mean- he is the father of your kids.] This took me months and years- of slow daily work- and letting go. Not much use having our smile painted on...
...and being pleasant- civil- is a good goal... and a good habit- where possible...
...
we see this- in the rooms... where we can relax- and be ourselves- just as we are...
...
We too lived separate lives for a while as I worked on myself, my resentments, etc. I had to learn how to detach and how to 'act as if'. For me, being pleasant and civil were rehearsed but necessary. I am quite certain he doesn't want to hear about recovery. That's OK and his choice - use your phone list to talk about recovery....that's what it's for! You can also call anyone at any time to ask any question or share issues and joys. I had to learn to lean towards healthy minded people who supported me and how to love myself in order to learn how to detach from my AH. It was first with indifference and then with love.
As far as a negative environment - use the serenity prayer as best you can. What you can change is you, your outlook, your patience, your dialogue. The more I worked on me, the less stress was in the air. It was hard to own and admit, but most of the tension and anxiety in our home was caused by me -- not the alcoholic. My reactions to their choices, actions, words were over the top and my expectations were unrealistic as I wasn't dealing with a rational person.
Instead of viewing the home as a negative vs. positive place, consider one day at a time what you can do to have as much peace as possible in the room you are planted in. When I was cooking, I turned on music. When I was watching TV, I let the kids pick. When I was in my BR, I read, meditated, etc. I made sure I had some me time each day - 5 mins. or as much as available to walk, pray, etc. We tend to think in all/nothing silos, and I broke things down into minutes, rooms, hours, sections, days....whatever it took to remind me I was working on my recovery for me, my future and the sanity of myself and my kids.
I hope you plan to keep going to meetings and just take things One Day at a Time. We also learn in recovery to say what we mean, mean what we say and to not say it mean. You are not responsible for anyone else's assumptions, presumptions or projecting. Being civil is nothing more and/or nothing less - it's just being civil. (((Hugs)))
I'm so glad you were able to get to a meeting. Many, many of us did not share in our first meeting. I've seen some members who've not shared for lots of meetings. You do what feels comfortable to you. Remember that meetings are a safe place and it's ok to feel emotional and to even display emotion. We've all been there. This disease hurts! But I can bet you everyone at your meeting was glad to see you were there.
Regarding the negative atmosphere,
This makes me think it's along the lines of detachment. While we cannot control whether the alcoholic is drinking or not, we also need not make home a hostile environment. If anything we try to maintain peace for our own sakes. I don't know about you, but I really do not like how I feel when I get upset and angry. Sometimes the emotions are so bad it can make me feel physically ill. This doesn't mean be a doormat to the alcoholic, but remembering that we don't have to attend every argument we're invited to.
I like to recall the use of the acronym T.H.I.N.K. when I feel tempted to unload on someone:
is it Thoughtful
is it Honest
is it Intelligent
is it Necessary
is it Kind
If it's none of the above then I default to "when in doubt, don't".
To answer your question about removing the negative vibes from your home, i found reading alanon literature each morning, talking to my sponsor when necessary and reminding myself of alanon principles throughout the day helped me to not react but to respond with courtesy nd respect, you can do this as you are not alone
I just can't imagine my life quietly accepting his drinking and constantly battling my feelings.
We can treat everyone with courtesy nd respect comment on the weather or a TV show and respond when they speak. I know it seems as if it would be easier alone but until you are ready try the tools.
That said, I've been in alanon for about half my life. I've rarely seen a situation where drinking has not negatively impacted the home, home life, and the people in it. It's interesting, concerning, somewhat contradictory -- that your husband wants to wait and knows the house is going to be sold, you have a separate bed on the way, and you'll be living in separate bedrooms...and at the same time he feels as though you are drifting away from him. Weird. As far as the children...the old-fashion, back in the so called day stigma of the "broken home" -- where the two parents no longer live together, are married, etc. -- is long gone. It has nothing to do with people's perception, it exclusively is about what you think is best for your children. I've seen many people land on the side of "we are just staying together because of the klds" or "we'll split up later, after the kids move out, graduate, etc." or whatever. There is some triggering event or time event that will be when people separate, leave, divorce, whatever. In my experience, that is letting the tail wag the dog and leads to an even bigger problem(s). In my experience, if you believe in that silly "broken home" term -- well, then -- kids are far better off, healthier, and happier, coming from a broken home as opposed to living in one.
Be that as it may, you referenced you keep going on about alanon...ok...why? To what end? Alanon is about attraction, not promotion. Are you still trying to get him to quit? Are you still trying to prove a point? Check your motives. Alanon supplies US with tools FOR US. Alanon does not give us ammunition to try and change the other person. Alanon is about us changing ourselves, and letting go, detaching, stopping the trying to change the other person. It's about acceptance.
As far as the atmosphere -- you can be civil, polite, etc., without the "selling" or "preaching" of alanon. You can be civil and polite, without misleading him. You can make your position clear -- reiterate about the house being sold, etc. If you've already made your decision and are moving toward that -- then when you do talk to him, not when he's been drinking, then let him know what you are doing, when you are doing it, etc. If you haven't, that's OK too. However, it's hard to do things when living with someone and not tell them. I moved out of the bedroom -- and I made the decision -- but I told my wife. Obviously she would realize it, LOL, but I didn't want it to be a surprise, and have her be shocked that I decided to do so. Living together while working toward a separation or whatever status you are getting to -- can be difficult. Do the right thing. Be kind, polite, civil, etc. Take the high road. Do the next right thing and you'll be fine. This is a great topic to talk about with a sponsor. Keep going to meetings!!!
I am being civil. I'm biting my tongue hard. I'm not telling him about Al anon, but that is my current obsession. So there are silences.
I feel defensive. I'm so angry about the events which have led to this, yet unable to truly vent because it won't help. Then on top of that I feel criticism poring from him because I'm not being the loving wife he wants. And on top of that I can see my part in this chaos, and that ranting never helped before so I'm more determined not to rant more, and so the cycle continues.
But I'm grateful for your replies. I know I'm not alone.
It was trial/error and it was 'fake it until you make it often' but it did slowly get better in my mind and heart. There is no quick fix for anger/resentments. Sharing them with trusted program friends did help lighten my load. Hang in there and keep coming back! (((Hugs)))
I can certainly understand the silence aspect and how it bothers him. However, you are not doing it maliciously, or spitefully, or to punish him. Try to focus on YOU. Not him.
Very often there is not a lot productive to say. He certainly isn't doing anything "productive" that you can or should comment on. So, you mind your own business. Fortunately, you do not have to imagine your life, sitting by in silence, struggling, suffering, and accepting his drinking. You are fortunate, so fortunate. Many people do in fact do exactly just that. You are not one of them. Be grateful.
-- Edited by Bo on Tuesday 7th of August 2018 04:22:52 PM