So it's been a while since I last posted anything. Lots has happened since then. The situation with my AH got so bad, after several police calls, me getting hit in the face by a giant box that he hurled in my direction during one of his crazy, drunken rage-filled outbursts-he finally agreed that he needed help and so I took him to the local psychiatric hospital ER. It was awful. The psychiatrist determined that he has alcohol abuse disorder, and potentially dementia caused by the alcohol. I was relieved and shooken up with the whole episode. I truly was at the end of my rope. He was directed to go the next day for special intake, medically supervised detox, and a treatment plan. We did it all. He ended up choosing to not abstain, but has started a medication that basically takes away any pleasure he gets from the alcohol. He was strongly advised to get counselling, group therapy which he refused. Well, after all this chaos and insanity, as luck would have it, I suffered a major heart attack one week later. I had emergency angioplasty, and one stent inserted. This was April 29th. I'm doing alright, and he has been really trying. Life as I knew it is completely different now. I've started therapy for myself and am also going for Reiki treatments. It's been a crazy few months indeed. I've really turned to my spirituality, and it is helping me. I'm just kind of shellshocked and saddened at how life turned out. Just looking for some positivity on these boards....
Iamhere said
Aug 5, 2018
(((Elabella))) - so, so sorry to hear about your medical issues/episodes. We have heart disease in my side of the family as well as my AH's side of the family. I am certain you now know from the release forms, instructions, suggestions, etc. that you need to practice self-care like never before!!!
My AH has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents, triple by-pass surgery and is still ticking along, playing golf every day, going to the gym, and trying to do self-care. I am seriously surprised that he's still here quite honestly as he's done extensive damage to his heart and liver and more. He is following suggestions that he wants to and ignoring others. He's not made one change to his diet but did quit smoking and started exercising, etc. so who am I to judge him for some changes and not all...
I am glad that he's trying - that's really all you can ask for. I am hopeful that you are nurturing your mind, spirit and soul with the reiki treatments and hope that you're leaning into recovery too. I was having severe panic attacks and anxiety before Al-Anon. When I say severe, I am saying blacking out, passing out, thought I was dying events. When I truly committed to prayer and meditation and self-care (exercise, clean eating) in recovery, they pretty much stopped. I didn't even realize this change until I was around Al-Anon for a couple years, and it dawned on me I had not had a panic attack in a long, long while.
You are still here for a reason. I have often said that YOLO (You Only Live Once) has added meaning after a significant life event. I encourage you to keep looking to what you can do for you to enjoy this present moment as nothing is promised and tomorrow is not yet here. Sending tons of prayers and positive support your way!
hotrod said
Aug 5, 2018
((Elebella)) am pleased that you have reached out for support and as so sorry that you have endured so many challenges. i have come to truly believe that all my pain was important to my growth and that HP was with me throughout all my ups and downs. Please continue to pray for guidance and trust the process You are not alone
JerryF said
Aug 5, 2018
Oh Ela I am so sorry to feel this with you and your alcoholic...this is the nature of the disease mind, body, spirit and emotions. It hates us on all levels and often all levels at the same time. This disease is fatal and you both have been brought close to that consequence. Please go after recovery regardless of what he decides to do. You are in the influence of the fatal nature of alcoholism. I've been there never intending to be there. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Aug 6, 2018
Elabella, I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel for you and the chaos, turmoil, and havoc you have had to face because of this disease.
That said, cross-talk or not, giving advice or not, for me, one thing and one thing only is a complete and total game changer...and all so called rules go out the door...and that is physical violence. Once that happens, the norm has left the building so to speak. You must take care of and protect yourself. Period. You must not allow yourself to be in harm's way. Several police calls -- that's great. I am glad you did not hesitate to call them. Please don't if this happens again.
Be this as it may -- my wife, after physically attacking me, having a complete melt-down, and going for a 72 hour psychiatric observation hold, and then directly going to rehab, also returned home -- and I saw a few things. First, she was advised to stop drinking. Period. She refused. Second, she was advised to go to a sober living facility, and IOP, and AA meetings. She refused. Third, she was advised to go to IOP and AA if she was going to return home, and she returned home and refused IOP and AA. Lastly, she was advised to go to counselling, which she refused. Now, there were these long, drawn out, back and forth discussions. She rationalized her refusal and decisions, she justified them, vacillated, explained everything, sounded completely sound, logical, etc., and was lucid and normal during all of the discussions. For me, and this is only me, I get that it's part of the disease. I get it. But in the end, all the discussions are BS. That's part of the denial and deflection. ACTIONS SPEAK...WORDS DON'T. The end result, she refused.
Anyway, please, please, please take care of yourself and protect yourself from harm, physical violence and danger. All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 6th of August 2018 09:08:43 AM
Breakingfree said
Aug 6, 2018
I sorry that happened to you, but so glad it all lead you to therapy. The good news is that you are focusing on you and self care, which is great. It took some major health scares for me to slow down and focus on myself and as I look back that is what drove me to fully submit my power, which I really had none over him anyway! I dug into my al-anon program and meetings, found my wise old sponsor and did some major soul cleansing work that I needed. I cleaned out all the nooks and crannies slowly and thoroughly. I now feel whole and it was so worth it. I now realize growing up with my A parents, I had lots of survival mechanisms and few tools as an adult, so it was time to get a tool box and start filling it. I'm far from perfect, but I am okay with that, its about progress and not perfection. Shining a big flood light into all those scary corners within did not end up being as scary as I once believed either, but brought lots of awareness. Take good care of you and you came to the right place for positive support!
Elabella said
Aug 6, 2018
Thank you all for your positive words and prayers- I really appreciate every single word. Itās been very difficult to focus on me- Iāve always been focusing on everyone else and trying to help them. Iāve lost myself in the process and my AH disease completely consumed me, be it with the raging , the inappropriate behaviour, and just general abuse. My therapist posed a question to me that I honestly cannot answer and I donāt know why. She told me to ask myself why I allowed the abuse and mistreatment from my AH. I donāt know. His disease is rearing its ugly head again, Iāve noticed in the last week the signs of his spiralling deeper into what I believe is depression and with that the inevitable edginess/agitation that leads to raging at the strangest moments. Iām not tolerating any of it again. Today I left the house for hours to get away from him, and refused to answer his calls and texts. Iām not dancing that dance anymore. My health is more important- and I need to be here and stay for a while for my daughters sake. She is only 14. Today I drove in the car and cried and prayed for guidance and protection. I really appreciate all your kind words. Itās been a very tough year, but I know there are many who have it much worse and so I am grateful that I have what I have. Thank you again for your support....
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 7, 2018
(((((Ellabella))))))
When I was posed with that very question, and didn't know the answer, my sponsor gave me a reading. It was something like 'How to Cook a Frog." Basically, you don't throw a frog into a pot of boiling water... it will just jump out to save it's life.
You put the frog into a pot of cool water. Then turn the heat up ever so slowly. So slow in fact, the frog never notices it and slowly boils to death! We who love and are in marriages with alcoholics, are much the same. Everything was so good, until it just wasn't. But the process was so slow, we barely even noticed. We had become the frog!
Offering you peace to come your way today, Ellabella!
Bo said
Aug 7, 2018
Ellabella, even for people who haven't always focused on others, their needs, etc. -- it is very common for anyone to immediately and intensely focus on the alcoholic. They say inside the rooms of alanon that the alcoholic has their arms around the bottle and we have our arms around them. They are clinging to the people, and don't want to let go of it, and we do the same to them. We focus on them, what they are doing, where they are going, what they say, why they say, why they are doing this or that, and then we try to fix it, control it, control them, their drinking, we try to prove to them that they are killing themselves, and us, and destroying their life and ours...and so on and so on.
For me, focusing on my wife became a full-time job. I was immersed into her minute to minute and day to day everything! We do lose ourselves and we become consumed by the alcoholic. It takes over our lives. One of the very, perhaps most important first steps we take, and learn is to shift the focus to ourselves. We have to give up that obsession. It is not easy for many people, especially newcomers/beginners, or even seasoned people sometimes.
Focus on YOU...and start working the program. It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it.
Aline said
Aug 7, 2018
Hugs, (((Elabella))). Take care of yourself and keep coming back.
JerryF said
Aug 7, 2018
Good morning Ela. I decided to re-read your post and remember how it was for me again when I first arrived at Al-Anon and started trying to understand this crazy program that had so many sane and happy people in the rooms "work it". Nobody was drinking "happy juice" yet they all seemed to be on something I didn't know about. That was the part, "I didn't know about and I didn't know that I didn't know" so I had to "come to understand" as the readings suggested. I do everything I can to come to understand...sit, listen, use my sponsor and the literature, meetings, meetings, meetings. I placed myself within the experiences of others who came before me and asked them for their ESH.
One of the strongest realizations I had was that I was trying to live in the disease following the input of others who didn't or were not. I was covered by the "supposed to's" from those who didn't live in the disease and were conducting their lives from within philosophies that didn't address the influences of mind and mood altering addictive chemicals. I was living with the wrong rules!! I had to learn other rules which the program was teaching starting with the steps, traditions and concepts and more. I had thought that my life was normal up to that point because I was raised in the disease and had learned how to live with it and in it. Insanity was normal in my life and family life I didn't know any other "normal" or "sane" and then chose to become "different" from what I was raised with and that is what it is like for me today.
It was and still is a powerful journey with many miracles for which I am very grateful.
Focus on you. You are the only "Me" that needs to be sane and happy. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
So it's been a while since I last posted anything. Lots has happened since then. The situation with my AH got so bad, after several police calls, me getting hit in the face by a giant box that he hurled in my direction during one of his crazy, drunken rage-filled outbursts-he finally agreed that he needed help and so I took him to the local psychiatric hospital ER. It was awful. The psychiatrist determined that he has alcohol abuse disorder, and potentially dementia caused by the alcohol. I was relieved and shooken up with the whole episode. I truly was at the end of my rope. He was directed to go the next day for special intake, medically supervised detox, and a treatment plan. We did it all. He ended up choosing to not abstain, but has started a medication that basically takes away any pleasure he gets from the alcohol. He was strongly advised to get counselling, group therapy which he refused. Well, after all this chaos and insanity, as luck would have it, I suffered a major heart attack one week later. I had emergency angioplasty, and one stent inserted. This was April 29th. I'm doing alright, and he has been really trying. Life as I knew it is completely different now. I've started therapy for myself and am also going for Reiki treatments. It's been a crazy few months indeed. I've really turned to my spirituality, and it is helping me. I'm just kind of shellshocked and saddened at how life turned out. Just looking for some positivity on these boards....
My AH has had 2 heart attacks, 3 stents, triple by-pass surgery and is still ticking along, playing golf every day, going to the gym, and trying to do self-care. I am seriously surprised that he's still here quite honestly as he's done extensive damage to his heart and liver and more. He is following suggestions that he wants to and ignoring others. He's not made one change to his diet but did quit smoking and started exercising, etc. so who am I to judge him for some changes and not all...
I am glad that he's trying - that's really all you can ask for. I am hopeful that you are nurturing your mind, spirit and soul with the reiki treatments and hope that you're leaning into recovery too. I was having severe panic attacks and anxiety before Al-Anon. When I say severe, I am saying blacking out, passing out, thought I was dying events. When I truly committed to prayer and meditation and self-care (exercise, clean eating) in recovery, they pretty much stopped. I didn't even realize this change until I was around Al-Anon for a couple years, and it dawned on me I had not had a panic attack in a long, long while.
You are still here for a reason. I have often said that YOLO (You Only Live Once) has added meaning after a significant life event. I encourage you to keep looking to what you can do for you to enjoy this present moment as nothing is promised and tomorrow is not yet here. Sending tons of prayers and positive support your way!
Oh Ela I am so sorry to feel this with you and your alcoholic...this is the nature of the disease mind, body, spirit and emotions. It hates us on all levels and often all levels at the same time. This disease is fatal and you both have been brought close to that consequence. Please go after recovery regardless of what he decides to do. You are in the influence of the fatal nature of alcoholism. I've been there never intending to be there. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Elabella, I am so sorry you are going through this. I feel for you and the chaos, turmoil, and havoc you have had to face because of this disease.
That said, cross-talk or not, giving advice or not, for me, one thing and one thing only is a complete and total game changer...and all so called rules go out the door...and that is physical violence. Once that happens, the norm has left the building so to speak. You must take care of and protect yourself. Period. You must not allow yourself to be in harm's way. Several police calls -- that's great. I am glad you did not hesitate to call them. Please don't if this happens again.
Be this as it may -- my wife, after physically attacking me, having a complete melt-down, and going for a 72 hour psychiatric observation hold, and then directly going to rehab, also returned home -- and I saw a few things. First, she was advised to stop drinking. Period. She refused. Second, she was advised to go to a sober living facility, and IOP, and AA meetings. She refused. Third, she was advised to go to IOP and AA if she was going to return home, and she returned home and refused IOP and AA. Lastly, she was advised to go to counselling, which she refused. Now, there were these long, drawn out, back and forth discussions. She rationalized her refusal and decisions, she justified them, vacillated, explained everything, sounded completely sound, logical, etc., and was lucid and normal during all of the discussions. For me, and this is only me, I get that it's part of the disease. I get it. But in the end, all the discussions are BS. That's part of the denial and deflection. ACTIONS SPEAK...WORDS DON'T. The end result, she refused.
Anyway, please, please, please take care of yourself and protect yourself from harm, physical violence and danger. All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 6th of August 2018 09:08:43 AM
When I was posed with that very question, and didn't know the answer, my sponsor gave me a reading. It was something like 'How to Cook a Frog." Basically, you don't throw a frog into a pot of boiling water... it will just jump out to save it's life.
You put the frog into a pot of cool water. Then turn the heat up ever so slowly. So slow in fact, the frog never notices it and slowly boils to death! We who love and are in marriages with alcoholics, are much the same. Everything was so good, until it just wasn't. But the process was so slow, we barely even noticed. We had become the frog!
Offering you peace to come your way today, Ellabella!
For me, focusing on my wife became a full-time job. I was immersed into her minute to minute and day to day everything! We do lose ourselves and we become consumed by the alcoholic. It takes over our lives. One of the very, perhaps most important first steps we take, and learn is to shift the focus to ourselves. We have to give up that obsession. It is not easy for many people, especially newcomers/beginners, or even seasoned people sometimes.
Focus on YOU...and start working the program. It works if you work it, so work it, you're worth it.
Good morning Ela. I decided to re-read your post and remember how it was for me again when I first arrived at Al-Anon and started trying to understand this crazy program that had so many sane and happy people in the rooms "work it". Nobody was drinking "happy juice" yet they all seemed to be on something I didn't know about. That was the part, "I didn't know about and I didn't know that I didn't know" so I had to "come to understand" as the readings suggested. I do everything I can to come to understand...sit, listen, use my sponsor and the literature, meetings, meetings, meetings. I placed myself within the experiences of others who came before me and asked them for their ESH.
One of the strongest realizations I had was that I was trying to live in the disease following the input of others who didn't or were not. I was covered by the "supposed to's" from those who didn't live in the disease and were conducting their lives from within philosophies that didn't address the influences of mind and mood altering addictive chemicals. I was living with the wrong rules!! I had to learn other rules which the program was teaching starting with the steps, traditions and concepts and more. I had thought that my life was normal up to that point because I was raised in the disease and had learned how to live with it and in it. Insanity was normal in my life and family life I didn't know any other "normal" or "sane" and then chose to become "different" from what I was raised with and that is what it is like for me today.
It was and still is a powerful journey with many miracles for which I am very grateful.
Focus on you. You are the only "Me" that needs to be sane and happy. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))