My partner, or ex-partner possibly, admitted he is an alcoholic and wants to seek help to stop drinking. This happened after he blacked out and woke up with somebody else. He has no recollection, but was clearly functioning throughout the night. Do I believe him that he doesnt remember or had ill-intentions that wasnt alcohol-fueled, or is that just an excuse? He is taking blame and seems sincere, but how do I know thats the truth? Do alcoholics transform and become someone they dont recognize after blacking out? Its been 2 years since weve had any type of problem in our relationship. Been together 6.5 years total. I dont want to be a fool, but I also am worried that I would abandon someone who needs help.
Would anyone be able to weigh in on this? Thank you.
Bo said
Aug 2, 2018
I have to run into a meeting, but...I wanted to say...Welcome...the infidelity issue is about you. It can be a forgive/forget thing, or a can forgive, won't forget thing. That is up to you. Sometimes it is more a matter of the heart thana matter of analyzing and trying to figure out what they knew, didn't know, what their intentions were, their will, etc. Trying to figure that out can and usually does drive you crazy. I had the same issue with my wife.
What is more interesting, is your comment "but I am worried that I would abandon someone who needs help." Be careful. That could be your issue right there. You can be there for the alcoholic, but it has to be in a healthy and supportive way, and most people don't. Can't. You can't do anything about his drinking. It is his help to seek, his decision to make, and his recovery, his everything. You can't want it more than him. You should focus on YOU. Not him. Don't worry about "abandoning" him -- and shift the focus to you and what you need to do for YOU. More to follow...All the best.
Lyne said
Aug 2, 2018
Welcome Hsquared-You are presenting some important issues and my sponsor just reminded me this morning, not to make any hasty decisions. I have also learned that I can't force solutions on anyone, and didn't see the toll my A had taken on me. And lying was and is a major issue. Since trust was broken over and over and over again, I'm not sure it can be restored on my end. We are still married and she is not drinking (I think), but all the alcoholic personality traits are untreated. Some people stay with their A's, and others don't. That is only a decision you can make. But first I encourage you to give alanon a chance to restore healthy balance to you, so you can make well thought out decisions. Keep coming back Lyne
Aloha said
Aug 2, 2018
I agree that you'll just make yourself crazy trying to figure out the motives of your alcoholic while he was drinking.
I encourage you to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Try at least 6 before you decide if the program is for you or not.
Here's a link to find a meeting near you: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
-- Edited by Aloha on Thursday 2nd of August 2018 10:18:58 AM
Iamhere said
Aug 2, 2018
Welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I can share from personal experience as a black-out drinker that most definitely, one can be in a total black-out, continue functioning and and not recall any of it...I have multiple stories where my recollection never returned even after being told what happened and my part in it. So - yes....it could be real.
What recovery suggests, AA & Al-Anon, is that, 'when anyone, any where reaches out for help, I want the hand of (insert program here) always to be there. And for that: I am responsible."
We - no matter how long we've been in Al-Anon - are not equipped to help an alcoholic. I would recommend suggesting he contact the closest AA central office and reach out. They will send recovering alcoholics to talk with him, take him to a meeting/treatment/other.
What we (Al-Anon) are about is alcoholism is considered a family disease. We typically end up with distorted thinking, unrealistic expectations and a host of battered unhealthy emotions as a result of living with this disease. We have our own program, meetings, recovery journey and for most, it starts with finding and attending local meetings. Not all locations have meetings, so if you find them scarce, there are 2 here twice daily - check the top left for the times and the link to the meeting room.
We rely on literature, fellowship, steps, sponsor, meetings, etc. to focus on ourselves and recoup our sanity, joy and path. There is hope and help in recovery - please keep coming back!!
Hsquared said
Aug 2, 2018
From the bottom of my heart, thank you everyone. Iāve felt less alone in these past few hours than I have this week.
I agree, trying to understand WILL drive me crazy, especially when he had no recollection of his actions or whereabouts and was mortified. I am not excusing him. I know his actions are his actions, but Iāve been reading that this disease progresses and takes the driverās seat - so feeding that addiction is the only priority, at any cost. Itās just, eventually, his disease becomes ... him... if he doesnāt try to get help. Am I in the right track?
He mentioned getting help, and quitting first. So that is where Iām unsure what to do in my relationship, because this is the first time heās ever talked about quitting. I get it, As are liars, but - Iām not the type of person to walk away without trying everything. I can see where Iāve enabled in the past and taken some things so personal, that was addiction-fueled. I feel so naive.
BUT. We are talking A.A. tonight. Thanks for making me feel less alone. I definitely want to reach out to local meetings. Self care is needed on my side as well, I agree!
Hsquared said
Aug 2, 2018
Iād like to say, I do have some dignity and self respect in there. Iām not hanging on for dear life, but I believe Iām a bit self conscious on how Iād be view for leaving / staying, etc. I want to be true to my character, but know when enough is enough.
One step at a time right now. Again, I appreciate this.
Hsquared said
Aug 2, 2018
Iād like to say, I do have some dignity and self respect in there. Iām not hanging on for dear life, but I believe Iām a bit self conscious on how Iād be view for leaving / staying, etc. I want to be true to my character, but know when enough is enough.
One step at a time right now. Again, I appreciate this.
JerryF said
Aug 2, 2018
Aloha Hsquared. I also welcome you to the MIP board and family. It has already started to help...great. There is so much to learn and the sex subject is one of the largest for me when I first got into Al-Anon. There was so much to learn and understand, not only about her also about me. I dated and married the women I drank with and in that journey I contacted an STD from my alcoholic/addict wife...Of course!! I came to realize as I came to accept that drinking, using and sex was part of the behavior. My sponsor later on woke me up and related to me that an alcoholic/addict will practice sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry and then he added "Jerry". Yes THAT WOKE ME UP because I was a participant.
Alcoholism is a health problem and while it evolves around drinking addictively that isn't the only health issue concern.
Blackout?? Be careful that it isn't being used as an excuse or crutch. From my story multiple sex events were normal and my alcoholic/addict had to learn excuses which would take the focus off of her. I decided to marry her just before discovery of the STD and while still deciding also decided to a vasectomy to prevent starting a sick family. It all didn't matter as she thought the vasectomy good for her also, there would be no accidental evidence of affairs.
This disease is very very sick and I found out that my participation made that a reality. I have clear memory of "my part in it" which after learning it, became a major tool for my sober/sane life. Sanity is the last word of our second step which also states that it takes a "Power Greater than Myself to be restored to it".
Keep coming back. In support. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Aug 2, 2018
Hsquared, welcome...and thanks for the follow up on your situation.
That said, when I was in the same boat as you -- regarding infidelity -- my sponsor and I spent a great deal of time talking about this. The way I see it now is that he helped me through whatever I was struggling with, and helped me figure out -- with objectivity -- who I was, who I was being, and what I wanted to do.
What helped me the most was this -- first, I bought the "blackout" portrayal from my wife. I accepted that she blacked out, was functioning, and had no recollection of what happened. However, I did not allow that to be a crutch or excuse that could justify, explain, rationalize, etc., this behavior and this incident. Second, if that was going to be her portrayal and her position -- then there had to be clarity in and around the fact that this happened because of the alcohol, her drinking, etc. That was her claim, and I clarified that, reiterated it, and we agreed to that. That being said, if the alcohol was the problem -- and she committed to getting better, getting healthy, quitting, etc. -- then that was what she was going to do. No controlling it, just having one or two, or just a beer, or just a glass of wine, or just on the weekends, etc. -- quitting is quitting. Getting better and getting healthy is simply getting better and getting healthy. That meant rehab, AA, living a life of recovery. Either she was going to do it or not. She promised. She didn't. So her drinking continued and so did the behavior that lead to infidelity. What do you think that meant to me? So, when she kept drinking, not living a life of sobriety and recovery, I had to have tremendous awareness around her behavior and the fact that the infidelity could easily happen again, because the cause of it -- according to her -- the alcohol, her drinking, was still present. The cheating happened again. Numerous times. I didn't find out until well after the fact. But when I did, what more was there to do? Try again? Try what? Forgive? OK, I did. But in the end, it was the drinking.
Even if your partner never again cheats -- is this the life you want to live? As a beginner, newcomer, that is difficult to answer. Many times in the rooms of alanon you hear don't make any major decisions for 6 months. You should go to meetings. As many as you can, as often as you can. Listen, learn, ask questions, find a sponsor, work on you. Then, you will arrive at a place, and be in a position to make decisions -- from a place of intellect, health, calmness, serenity, etc. -- and not make decisions when you are "raw" and from a place of fear, emotion, anger, resentment, etc.
My partner, or ex-partner possibly, admitted he is an alcoholic and wants to seek help to stop drinking. This happened after he blacked out and woke up with somebody else. He has no recollection, but was clearly functioning throughout the night. Do I believe him that he doesnt remember or had ill-intentions that wasnt alcohol-fueled, or is that just an excuse? He is taking blame and seems sincere, but how do I know thats the truth? Do alcoholics transform and become someone they dont recognize after blacking out? Its been 2 years since weve had any type of problem in our relationship. Been together 6.5 years total. I dont want to be a fool, but I also am worried that I would abandon someone who needs help.
Would anyone be able to weigh in on this? Thank you.
What is more interesting, is your comment "but I am worried that I would abandon someone who needs help." Be careful. That could be your issue right there. You can be there for the alcoholic, but it has to be in a healthy and supportive way, and most people don't. Can't. You can't do anything about his drinking. It is his help to seek, his decision to make, and his recovery, his everything. You can't want it more than him. You should focus on YOU. Not him. Don't worry about "abandoning" him -- and shift the focus to you and what you need to do for YOU. More to follow...All the best.
I agree that you'll just make yourself crazy trying to figure out the motives of your alcoholic while he was drinking.
I encourage you to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Try at least 6 before you decide if the program is for you or not.
Here's a link to find a meeting near you: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/
-- Edited by Aloha on Thursday 2nd of August 2018 10:18:58 AM
What recovery suggests, AA & Al-Anon, is that, 'when anyone, any where reaches out for help, I want the hand of (insert program here) always to be there. And for that: I am responsible."
We - no matter how long we've been in Al-Anon - are not equipped to help an alcoholic. I would recommend suggesting he contact the closest AA central office and reach out. They will send recovering alcoholics to talk with him, take him to a meeting/treatment/other.
What we (Al-Anon) are about is alcoholism is considered a family disease. We typically end up with distorted thinking, unrealistic expectations and a host of battered unhealthy emotions as a result of living with this disease. We have our own program, meetings, recovery journey and for most, it starts with finding and attending local meetings. Not all locations have meetings, so if you find them scarce, there are 2 here twice daily - check the top left for the times and the link to the meeting room.
We rely on literature, fellowship, steps, sponsor, meetings, etc. to focus on ourselves and recoup our sanity, joy and path. There is hope and help in recovery - please keep coming back!!
Aloha Hsquared. I also welcome you to the MIP board and family. It has already started to help...great. There is so much to learn and the sex subject is one of the largest for me when I first got into Al-Anon. There was so much to learn and understand, not only about her also about me. I dated and married the women I drank with and in that journey I contacted an STD from my alcoholic/addict wife...Of course!! I came to realize as I came to accept that drinking, using and sex was part of the behavior. My sponsor later on woke me up and related to me that an alcoholic/addict will practice sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry and then he added "Jerry". Yes THAT WOKE ME UP because I was a participant.
Alcoholism is a health problem and while it evolves around drinking addictively that isn't the only health issue concern.
Blackout?? Be careful that it isn't being used as an excuse or crutch. From my story multiple sex events were normal and my alcoholic/addict had to learn excuses which would take the focus off of her. I decided to marry her just before discovery of the STD and while still deciding also decided to a vasectomy to prevent starting a sick family. It all didn't matter as she thought the vasectomy good for her also, there would be no accidental evidence of affairs.
This disease is very very sick and I found out that my participation made that a reality. I have clear memory of "my part in it" which after learning it, became a major tool for my sober/sane life. Sanity is the last word of our second step which also states that it takes a "Power Greater than Myself to be restored to it".
Keep coming back. In support. ((((hugs))))
That said, when I was in the same boat as you -- regarding infidelity -- my sponsor and I spent a great deal of time talking about this. The way I see it now is that he helped me through whatever I was struggling with, and helped me figure out -- with objectivity -- who I was, who I was being, and what I wanted to do.
What helped me the most was this -- first, I bought the "blackout" portrayal from my wife. I accepted that she blacked out, was functioning, and had no recollection of what happened. However, I did not allow that to be a crutch or excuse that could justify, explain, rationalize, etc., this behavior and this incident. Second, if that was going to be her portrayal and her position -- then there had to be clarity in and around the fact that this happened because of the alcohol, her drinking, etc. That was her claim, and I clarified that, reiterated it, and we agreed to that. That being said, if the alcohol was the problem -- and she committed to getting better, getting healthy, quitting, etc. -- then that was what she was going to do. No controlling it, just having one or two, or just a beer, or just a glass of wine, or just on the weekends, etc. -- quitting is quitting. Getting better and getting healthy is simply getting better and getting healthy. That meant rehab, AA, living a life of recovery. Either she was going to do it or not. She promised. She didn't. So her drinking continued and so did the behavior that lead to infidelity. What do you think that meant to me? So, when she kept drinking, not living a life of sobriety and recovery, I had to have tremendous awareness around her behavior and the fact that the infidelity could easily happen again, because the cause of it -- according to her -- the alcohol, her drinking, was still present. The cheating happened again. Numerous times. I didn't find out until well after the fact. But when I did, what more was there to do? Try again? Try what? Forgive? OK, I did. But in the end, it was the drinking.
Even if your partner never again cheats -- is this the life you want to live? As a beginner, newcomer, that is difficult to answer. Many times in the rooms of alanon you hear don't make any major decisions for 6 months. You should go to meetings. As many as you can, as often as you can. Listen, learn, ask questions, find a sponsor, work on you. Then, you will arrive at a place, and be in a position to make decisions -- from a place of intellect, health, calmness, serenity, etc. -- and not make decisions when you are "raw" and from a place of fear, emotion, anger, resentment, etc.
All the best.