Feel horrible. I can't accept that AH loves drink more than me. My tolerance has gone. Everything's gone down the pan. I'm in torment because I love him immensely. He will always drink and lie. If he gives up he maye drink again and I can't do it as I hate drink so much. I can't deal with it.
el-cee said
Aug 1, 2018
I can relate to how you feel. I believed my ex loved drink more than me and I felt so rejected and abandoned every time he broke his promise to not drink. Over and over we played this out. It took a huge toll on my self esteem over the yrs and I felt unloveable and worthless. Coming to alanon I learned that the idea if him loving alcohol more than me was not the full story. I learned he was an addict with a disease. He had a compulsion that was more powerful than his love of me or our kids. It was more powerful than his desire to stop or his promises to stop or his intentions. He was sick. In turn my thinking became very distorted and disturbed and I became angry and full if self pity and resentment.getting to alanon and working this program has changed my life in all ways. There is hope if your ready for change.
Bo said
Aug 2, 2018
ling wrote:
Feel horrible. I can't accept that AH loves drink more than me. My tolerance has gone. Everything's gone down the pan. I'm in torment because I love him immensely. He will always drink and lie. If he gives up he maye drink again and I can't do it as I hate drink so much. I can't deal with it.
ling, I understand how you feel. Many people here do. I and others have felt what you are feeling. There are many times I felt the "hopeless and helpless" -- and I couldn't help but be afraid of those feelings.
That said, this is about YOU. However, you still seem to be focused on HIM. It is not about he "loves drink" more than you. While you are a newcomer/beginner, and it is very common for them to feel this, think this, etc. -- one of the first things we hear in face to face alanon meetings is that...alcoholism is a disease. That is important to learn and understand. Not from a medical and technical perspective, but more that we understand and can have some understanding what this means for us and the alcoholic.
In addition, this is not about your "tolerance" as you call it. You were looking for that, searching for it, etc. The problem is that this is not about tolerance...this is about...ACCEPTANCE...and that is something you really have to work on. Now, that doesn't mean you have to accept what's going on. No, that's not what I am saying. You have to go to meetings, immerse yourself in acceptance, and work with a sponsor and start working the alanon program. If posts on this BB can substitute for meetings for you, that's great. However, I think ideally, you simply have to go to face to face alanon meetings and do the work.
The torment is real, but is also a result of you wanting what you want -- you want him to stop drinking. There might be an issue here with co-dependency. You should try and get to face to face meetings ASAP, and as often as you can. Find a sponsor and start learning and working the program. If you are ready to get better, get healthy...YOU...alanon can and will help you. All the best.
Aloha said
Aug 2, 2018
Bo said it very well.
I hope you start getting to frequent face-to-face meetings. They WILL help, and you absolutely deserve it.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It will always put itself first before anyone else. It is not a choice. No one grows up thinking they'd love to be an alcoholic and cause pain to their loved ones. That's how powerful the disease is - the alcoholic is well aware of the pain their drinking causes, but they cannot stop until they seek help, and they have to determine for themselves when they're finally ready to do it. That change can only come from within the A. No amount of begging, pleading, crying, yelling, threatening, etc. will force that change to occur for them. So that said, you deserve to live a peaceful life where you don't feel the need to create change in the alcoholic.
Work on yourself - give yourself the peace and love you deserve. I learned how to give those things to myself through attending meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and participating in service.
Sending loving thoughts your way.
JerryF said
Aug 2, 2018
That is painful...old painful for me and I am grateful for the program that it no longer is. I learned in early meetings that "it isn't about love...it's about addiction" and once I looked seriously at it I came to understand. She was addicted...she could not not drink and use. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Feel horrible. I can't accept that AH loves drink more than me. My tolerance has gone. Everything's gone down the pan. I'm in torment because I love him immensely. He will always drink and lie. If he gives up he maye drink again and I can't do it as I hate drink so much. I can't deal with it.
ling, I understand how you feel. Many people here do. I and others have felt what you are feeling. There are many times I felt the "hopeless and helpless" -- and I couldn't help but be afraid of those feelings.
That said, this is about YOU. However, you still seem to be focused on HIM. It is not about he "loves drink" more than you. While you are a newcomer/beginner, and it is very common for them to feel this, think this, etc. -- one of the first things we hear in face to face alanon meetings is that...alcoholism is a disease. That is important to learn and understand. Not from a medical and technical perspective, but more that we understand and can have some understanding what this means for us and the alcoholic.
In addition, this is not about your "tolerance" as you call it. You were looking for that, searching for it, etc. The problem is that this is not about tolerance...this is about...ACCEPTANCE...and that is something you really have to work on. Now, that doesn't mean you have to accept what's going on. No, that's not what I am saying. You have to go to meetings, immerse yourself in acceptance, and work with a sponsor and start working the alanon program. If posts on this BB can substitute for meetings for you, that's great. However, I think ideally, you simply have to go to face to face alanon meetings and do the work.
The torment is real, but is also a result of you wanting what you want -- you want him to stop drinking. There might be an issue here with co-dependency. You should try and get to face to face meetings ASAP, and as often as you can. Find a sponsor and start learning and working the program. If you are ready to get better, get healthy...YOU...alanon can and will help you. All the best.
I hope you start getting to frequent face-to-face meetings. They WILL help, and you absolutely deserve it.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It will always put itself first before anyone else. It is not a choice. No one grows up thinking they'd love to be an alcoholic and cause pain to their loved ones. That's how powerful the disease is - the alcoholic is well aware of the pain their drinking causes, but they cannot stop until they seek help, and they have to determine for themselves when they're finally ready to do it. That change can only come from within the A. No amount of begging, pleading, crying, yelling, threatening, etc. will force that change to occur for them. So that said, you deserve to live a peaceful life where you don't feel the need to create change in the alcoholic.
Work on yourself - give yourself the peace and love you deserve. I learned how to give those things to myself through attending meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and participating in service.
Sending loving thoughts your way.
That is painful...old painful for me and I am grateful for the program that it no longer is. I learned in early meetings that "it isn't about love...it's about addiction" and once I looked seriously at it I came to understand. She was addicted...she could not not drink and use. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))