Well, I got my daughter out of the dangerous inner city/hood location where she was homeless so I guess that is the only good part to this update.

I got her an Airbnb for the night before she could take the train out of town. The Airbnb agreed to a third party reservation but BOY were they mad after daughter stayed there! They said there was a reservation for only ONE person but two guys were also there and there was to be no drinking and the back entrance/exit to the unit was not supposed to be used. Also, they said she didn't clean up after herself. I talked them out of an additional $50 cleaning fee or reporting me to get my account deleted. Daughter denied all their claims (of course). 

Next issue, I sent an uber to her at the time we agreed on and for which she said she would set her alarm. Her alarm didn't go off so I got a "no show" fee for that uber. I was afraid she would miss her train that I had paid for in advance but she called in the nick of time and I paid for another uber fee and she got on the train.

She got into town about 9pm, I picked her up and drove back to my place. Got here at 10pm so difficult to have issues that night.

Next day, she said she was going to have a friend pick her up and spend the night there (paranoid schizophrenic on disability), which she did. He dropped her back off the next morning and she was so high I could hardly see her pupils...she couldn't keep her eyes open. I got mad at her and she stomped off into my neighborhood. Pretty soon, I get a call from the police. She tried to enter a neighbor's residence that she thought was mine. They returned her to me.

I called mobile crisis unit in the county to help us deal with her issues and to deescalate. They would have come to my house, sign her up for Medicaid and detox her, get her mental health help outpatient or inpatient. She refused services. Great. So they wouldn''t come.

She says she is going to sign up for a social website in the area to meet new friends. Great. So she says she is going to my neighborhood pool. She meets a guy. Within 10 minutes of meeting him (she could have already talked to him via internet) she picked up her stuff to "go to his house for weed and stuff and you know". That was a couple of days ago and I haven't heard from her since.

Like I said...at least she is in a safer place. Her health is not good. Her hair is thin, she has a bald spot, she has "body pains" she says. Her legs are scarred from falling and bed bugs, she says. She is no longer my baby and almost 30 years old now. I feel better that I got her to a safer place (I know I keep saying that but it's what I am holding onto). I am less stressed just knowing that. I tried to make a "to do" list of goals including employment. All she wanted to do is sell her plasma.

I will never understand wanting to live like this. I don't know if she just doesn't believe in herself anymore or finds the issues insurmountable (no job history, no successes in life, substance abuse and mental health issues.) 

I feel better. I truly do. But I am honestly getting too old to handle this crazy stuff any longer. It takes such a physical toll.

 hey (((((((((((((RachelsMom)))))))))))))),  awwww what a sweet thing to say to me...You really touched my heart....I wish I could just take you and me for a nice long walk and I would just LISTEN to you , validate you, encourage you to keep on keepin on.....what a beautiful attitude about you're saying "lets' love each other"   AMEN Sista!!!! and yes,..things could be REALLY worse, like you said, we could be deprived of clean water, bombs going off over our heads...and yea, burn the rice and get beaten or stoned....oh yea, things could certainly be worse....I feel for you!! I truly feel what you are going through,

but I PROMISE you...work this program as suggested and I PROMISE that you WILL get better with your thinking/feeling...the situation/circumstances may not get better, but YOU will get better within..in your heart...in your priorities....it will become a good habit, taking care of yourself, keeping the focus on you and , yes, with grief, but with peace as well, you will be ABLE to let go and do it in your heart....I will always love my daughters and I sorta had to make amends to the one who DOESN'T pain me out in that I had to tell her that I was , for a while, till program kicked in, paying more attention to the one who is on and off again re: loving me that I was kinda not abandoning, but not paying as much attention to the daughter who gives me JOY!!! SO i had to apologize to her and tell her that when SHE (she is in program too) sees me putting too much energy into older one, SAY something to me, if I don't see it....I emailed and texted her not REAL over kill, but I did over do it somewhat to someone who wants not to talk to me....but the good news is that I caught it AND saw what I was doing or not doing , rather, to my younger one and I had a chat with her...I brought it up to her and said "hey I owe you an amend"  and I told her what I did, took responsibility for it, said I was gonna be really mindful in that area and LET GO  LET GO  BACK OFF BACK OFF ..Younger daughter is such a sweetheart and I told her she was my little star and how sorry I was that I was dissing her just  a bit, trying to get older one to communicate with me....Now its been a good couple of months since last email and I find it easier and easier to let go...hurts, but it is easier.....

Program won't erase the crap storms of life, but program will show us how to better navigate through those crap storms so we don't get mired down in the muck...that we CAN get through it and get back our peace.....We CAN find contentment within us...no matter what is going on outside, if we reeeeeely keep the focus on us and doing the next RIGHT thing, we CAN be at peace...our minds cannot entertain two things....if we are focusing on ourselves and healthy self care, deep breathing, loving and positive self talk and meditating about love and peace for all creatures and doing the next right thing by us and for us , we cannot suffer from intrusive , codependent thoughts of others and what they are doing............

I hope this made sense...........I am so hungry, i could eat a grizzly bear ---- WHILE it is ALIVE......see you later....

RachelsMom wrote:

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Mamalioness-I hope your grizzly bear was tasty!

I have to let the oldest to her own devices. She really sees nothing wrong with her lifestyle...she just needs MONEY.

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 Bear was tough, but after some tenderizing with a sledgehammer he was good   and NOW you're talking like an al-anoner who is working her program...Time to take care of you and you see it!!!  yaaaay for you!!!! and yep, leaving the oldest to her own devices just might be the thing that , sadly, forces her to hit bottom and then, hopefully reach out for help...I will help any loved one who wants to help themselves, but if they don't??? I let go...detach with love and let them learn the hard way...Sad, but some folks just don't learn till life smacks them down so hard, they bounce off the pavement...I'm waiting for my brother to get sick and tired of his life, but his best buddy keeps enabling him, giving him $$ when he needs it, helps him out of lifes lessons and all he is doing is robbing my brother of the lessons he needs to learn to maybe save his life...I cannot get his friend "C" to see that..He just cannot see that..I love "C"  Grew up with him..Hes a wonderful guy, but he is killing my brother by enabling him ...I'm powerless...HP/Universe is not...I have to let go and keep letting to because it is hard...As to the oldest daughter??? I gave her to her Creator as well...My younger one had a horrid tooth extraction yesterday, called me today and told me all about her awful extraction that turned into surgery because the tooth broke and they had to "dig" the pieces out of her gum...I listened and let her tell me her pain and how she wished that her mama was with her...It broke my heart to hear her share her experience with me...She is my little sunshine and by golly, I am gonna let the problem one to HER devices and focus on this little gem who is such a good girl!!!!  So I'm here...PM me if you want to chat.....I am on your side, supporting you and cheering you on...You can do this...Just remember what I said about my brother's and my dear friend "C" who enables my brother...He literally could be killing him, unintentionally, of course, but the longer he prevents his buddy from falling flat on his drunk ass and facing the consequences of what drinking is doing to him, the more damage he does..enabling is the WORST thing we can do for our addict loved ones..OR, like my oldest..quitting her program  "she doesn't need it or me" because she is "doing so good" now, so I'm letting her go with love, but nonetheless....letting go...let her reap what she is sowing.....when we enable, clean up their messes, let them run the roost., jump when they want us to jump,  do stuff that is their responsibility to do, coddle them because we fear their anger or rejection, etc., when we do that, we are robbing them of the lessons Creator has for them to help them get back within the guard rails of sanity....the greatest blessing we can give is to LET GO   DETACH   do NOT do what is their responsibility to do......simple, but OH so hard when you love the person....it took years in recovery for me to get to that place where I can just say  "OK..no more contact unless/until you reach out for help..get into program..SHOW me you want to help yourself"  oh yea, hard but it could be the only chance to save them---by taking OUR hands off..................sending you big hugs of support

That's excellent advice, Aloha!!! I don't know why this didn't occur to me. I guess because of the codependent relationships I find myself in, I'm the "problem solver" only I don't want to BE the problem solver for someone else anymore!!! So it is a whole new set of thinking skills I have to develop and BOY is it hard!!!

Someone could look at me (and I'm sure they have) and say, "Why does she keep getting divorced?" HAHA The codependent/addict relationship is one that BOTH people need to get out of and it's just as difficult for the codependent as it is the addict to change the lifestyle. I've been married THREE freaking times to alcoholics and I swear I didn't see the signs prior to marriage. It's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks.

Dang RachelsMom...you tore that page right out of my own diary and now we are at the place where life changes.  I stopped pushing people away from me who  knew better and understood more clearly about this thing called alcoholism and drug addiction.  I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know,  which for me wasn't just a cute, trick explanation.  I DIDN'T KNOW!! period and at one time was bad at faking that I did.  

I've hung around the coat tails of elders all my life because they were so smart and strong and I learned from them yet didn't practice what they did until I found and got a Al-Anon sponsor who wouldn't pay attention until I put out the effort to doing what I was learning.  "This is a do program Jerry F", he would say and he was right...nothing changes if nothing changes.   Rock Science!!  

Why did I keep doing the same things over and over again expecting different results?  It's all I had learned how to do until I stopped doing it and did something better/different.

MIP is part of my learning and doing something different..Mahalo Akua...Thank you Higher Power.    ((((hugs))))

Sister you've just started the journey...be gentle and compassionate with yourself and give yourself mercy.  (what a tool)   I has taken me a long time to learn this program,  how it works and how I should work it for myself.  An early tool that I received in in the closing statement of our face to face meetings and each time I read it or hear it read my hope and confidence grows and grows.  "If you keep and open mind....you will find help".  For me when I first really heard it I grew and grew and felt there were things I had yet to learn that would keep me out of the way of the alcoholic/addict, keep me on the path of recovery and help me to be an honest support for others.  It worked and still does.  

"Listen, Learn and practice, practice, practice" was the early instruction my sponsors and the program shared with me and my sponsor narrowed it down more when he told me listened for the similarities between your story and what is been shared with you let go of the difference which keep you out of recovery.    God send!!  

I will be practicing what I have been taught very shortly as a family member snared by our disease will be coming over to "talk"  (you know not listen).  I will practice over again and then let God take her home.   It's worked many times before.  ((((hugs))))  

I know this sounds drastic but my Father is a child molester and my Mother enables. My Father molested my oldest daughter which is probably the root of her problems. I have had a lot of guilt over that through the years, which is something I have to unload also. After all, he is MY father and I survived and mostly flourished so we can all overcome including my daughter. At least she had someone (ME) who believed her.

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((((((((((((((((((((((RachelsMom)))))))))))))))))))) you BET that is the cause of her problems...AS a survivor of incest , myself, I KNOW, I REALLY know what damage this crime does to a child...for decades, I carried the burden of shame, blaming me for not stopping him...HOW does a powerless little kid stop her provider?? Her authority figure??  HOW?? but this is what my older sister and older brother slammed me with...wound on top of wounds...I go to "mother" and she hisses at me calling me a Jezebel and a slut for "enticing" my father???  I starved myself down to 75# on 5'2 frame to try and look ugly,., I dressed ugly, I didn't bathe, hoping THAT would get him off me...what ELSE did she think I should have done?????  I hated her for enabling this monster.....my older siblings, I cut them permanently out of my life for not validating and believing and supporting me....my older sister missed having a sister and so she reached out, but it took a looooong time for me to even speak to her and to allow her to make amends...and you know what??? Even at the end, tho I loved her and thanked her HP for bringing her into the truth, the years we didn't' have did their damage.....Your poor daughter was betrayed in the WORST , most UGLY , EVIL way a child could be betrayed and its a life time of recovery to reclaim a shattered life....that evil SOB took away my God, My hope, my potential, my love, my identity, my trust, my innocence...He robbed me of everything and it has taken me 14 years in recovery to one by one get my life back...to reclaim myself....I have my own HP now, I do have a bit of hope that, through program, I can bring good karma to me...my potential??? well at my age, I missed the boat on the great jobs I was capable of doing, so I took these crap jobs, and therefore my social security, I can't make it on just that..so I'll be working till I die....

I can love but only after LOTS of proof they are safe.....I now have my own identity and I know WHO I am and WHERE I am coming from, my boundaries are not only existent, but they are firm.....trust??? hard for me to trust..it takes a lot of evidence and consistency for me to trust humans.....innocence??  gone forever...I'll be cynical perhaps forever....there are some parts of me that i will not ever get back, so I have to build up new parts.....

I can now play and be spontaneous, but I will forever be on guard, watching my surroundings....hyper alert, (PTSD and GAD) I take meds to keep me stable re: the anxiety disorder, the PTSD is much more manageable, but I notice I want my quiet more then a normal person...like when I go to work, 3 am's a week, I get "enough of humans" and i want my quiet...Mental stimulation tires me out and I need to lots of times shut down and be quiet and recharge....PTSD and anxiety are exhausting....

I am much better now...As I said, I have hope because of my program and my faith in me and my HP within me....I don't have walls, but I do have strong chain link fences up to protect me...I am extremely cautious around humans...I don't let my guard down but I am also no longer paranoid....

I am living a good , decent life now...I have made strides in re-building the shattered mess he made of me.....but like a gorgeous vase that has been dropped...Yea, I picked up most of the pieces and glued me back together with the super glue of the programme, but if you look closely, you can see the little parts and their edges that are attached via the glue to the next little shard........I can hold water, though because the programme glue is good, but if I were to be dropped again, I might not be repairable...Hence my need to be careful with mankind...I just barely survived this....so I am careful, I can let others be close to me, I can love, I can be affectionate, but they have to SHOW me with consistent right action (words don't mean much to me) and yes, I can build a relationship.....

I have my triggers...and I manage them very well....my PTSD , I can manage with deep breathing, self talk, and building a faith based relationship with ME and my HP within me....my anxiety, the trauma went on for too long, my brain synapses don't "fire" right so I will be on meds till I die....but the program has literally saved my life.......I am even losing the ill will and the cursing of him and the resentment, I am losing it because it does not serve ME........Family members who cannot respect my boundaries and who try to shame me, I cut them out......I have two cousins who think I am some kind of dirty freak over what happened...they no longer exist for me........i cut out a BUNCH of people to take care of and to save ME......He and she are dead, burning in their just place and I only think of them when in recovery or if I have to deal with another memory that comes up....I have gaps in my memory that are huge....don't know how long he "groomed" me for his assaults, but it had to have taken him a long time because I remember early on , his isolating me and making himself the only one in my life....it must have been reeeeely bad because I hung myself at age 10...i had given up.....the maid saw me hanging and she cut me down...I was dying, but she resuscitated me and I told her that she signed my death warrant....I had no hope, even at that age....and the suicide attempts kept going on well into my 20's, then I decided to just numb out my pain and drink and party.......(THANK goodness I never became hooked on the stuff)  no i was just a party animal, escaping my dreadful pain.....

now in recovery that part is gone....I don't drink and don't care to drink...My only addictions now are Reese's butter cups and Girl Scout Thin mints...oh yea, and i open a bag of Fritos, gotta eat the whole thing....so yea, certain trigger foods, I cannot stop, so I don't have them in the house.....

Recovery literally saved my sanity and my life....you know how i got here???  I was gonna go out in my vehicle, in the garage, and drink a couple of wine coolers...do a bunch of my meds and get in the SUV, start it up in the garage and asphyxiate me....my friend who was in Al-anon and became my first mentor/sponsor, sensed that I was "in trouble" so he came knocking on my door JUST as I was taking me and my pets out to get us in the SUV and "help us out of here"  I was not gonna abandon my beloved pets, see them go to the pound so I was gonna take them with me...I was tired from coping with a shit life that had no purpose....

"L" knew , sensed something wasn't right and he came to my house...he had a BAG of books with him....All Al-anon, ACA literature....he also had a bag of popcorn for us to pop and eat, loaded with butter and while we are stuffing ourselves on this huge pot of popcorn,  I am pouring over these books...He said to me  "give life 30 days...give programme 30 days and if it doesn't give you any hope for a better, freer life, I won't stop you from doing what I think you were gonna do"  I looked at him and figured  "ok, 30 days here in this shit hole life isn't too bad a deal..so OK..I'll give it a try, THEN help me outta here"   that was back in 2004, February and i am still here...Still working my programme...Still kicking...working out, hanging out with healthy people...I look younger than I did 20 years ago......

Anyway, ((((((((((((((((((((RachelsMom))))))))))))))))) my heart absolutely bleeds for your daughter and as a survivor from the same crime, I can tell you, she is in a world of hurt.....I will pray she gets pushed into recovery like I did......So so sorry about this......

I am also sorry I hijacked your post, but I wanted to give you some insight as to how she feels....I know her...she is a sister in pain...Like I was.....I wish I could take her hand in mine and tell her  "I BELIEVE YOU and YOU are a precious life under Creator and he/she wants you to LIVE...So do I...."

I think one of the biggest reasons why I persevere is because each time I make a stride, learn a lesson, learn a new, healthy skill in dealing with life, learn that i can actually DEAL with life and even enjoy it, instead of just coping and dodging bullets...and I LIKE me now...I VALUE me now.....Every time I notice something like that, I know...I BEAT the darkness...I BEAT him...I DEFEATED him and MAN that feels GREAT!!!!!!  he did not destroy me...He went to hell as a failure, because I am STILL here and I am doing OK.......

thank you for listening....

Mamalioness- I knew we had a connection!

It is so difficult to escape from the damage of child sexual abuse-especially when it is family. I had night terrors for years which became worse when oldest daughter was born. I did not live near my parents when she was born, moved close to them when she was 1yr old and discovered the abuse when she was 2 1/2. How can an adult do that to a baby? I suspect it wasn't happening that long because I saw the fear on her face when he touched her at all (picked her up, put her bib on for dinner). She was blinking away fear and I saw it. I separated from my parents as soon as I noticed it. She also had continual bladder infections. After we were away, her bladder infections stopped. She said, "Grandad peed on my hand." That's when I knew for sure. 

Anyway, my night terrors finally stopped after having them my whole life. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I am still hypervigilant. I don't think that will ever stop. Because I know what daughter went through, I didn't hesitate to send her to a dual diagnosis (substance abuse and mental health) private lock down teen rehab. It financially hurts that I still owe on these "student loans". I will have these things for the 10 years. Hopefully, like you Mamalioness, I can imagine a retirement down the road. Who knows? I need to at least work until 62 but shooting for working as long as I can. Youngest daughter says she will house me when/if I can't do it in the future. She is dating a guy who also is thinking he will have to house his Mom, haha.

Oldest daughter's self destruction is more than I can handle to watch. I need to dig myself out of this pit and get out to meetings. It's a work in progress because, at this point, I don't even want to go to the grocery store.

Yes I sort of figured you and I had a connection. We can support each other. I dont have anyone to help me or house me so I work out and stay and good shape because I will be working until I die. Younger daughter has enough struggles without having to deal with me. However I know she would do what she could to take care of me Other than that, I have built a decent life for myself thanks to this wonderful 12 steps program which has been the only therapy I have been able to afford. There should be the death penalty for anybody who does evil to a child. I wasnt sexually molested until around age 14 I think it started because his age range preference was like 14 to 17. But he spent years prior to that, grooming me, taking away my identity, taking away my self-esteem, brainwashing me with putdowns and making me feel as though I would die if I did not have him. These evil monsters are very clever and very crafty. I was a very tough and resilient and very brilliant child so he had to really work on me for a long time to destroy me enough to where I could not fight him off of me. It lasted all through My teenage years. I do believe there is a special place in hell for people like this. But I try not to dwell on it, I just tried to dwell on things that are good, clean, nourishing and positive, loving and healing for myself and I try to share that with safe others

I no longer feel shame sharing this if it will help another understand and to keep on working on themselves, I will share my ugly story if I have to to help another. That is how I get even with the evil. I get even by helping others love them selves and want to live and want to treasure their lives. I hope my story helps you understand how she feels and to help you understand some things about your own self. This is how we overcome this terrible darkness. By shaking off the shackles of shame that is not ours to begin with and to share our stories to help others. This is how we Smack down the evil. We put the light on it, and we Come to believe that we are just as loving and wonderful as any other spirit. I am no longer a shamed of me. I am just as good as the next person. And I know I have something , in the way of gifts to offer this world Of coarse I am careful how I share my story when not in the recovery room with other recovery mates because there are stupid and ignorant people who will attack and ask questions that speak of why didnt you stop him etc. There are ignorant people out there who think that the child did something to bring the attacks on her. So I am careful about sharing with people outside of recovery. And then of course you get those people who tell you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps etc. and to get over it. Dont they know I would give my life to be able to get over it? Like they think we want to deal with issues of anxiety and PTSD. I do not try to help people like that understand, I separate myself from them. Anyone that insensitive does not deserve to be in my life and in my space. That is why I live in relative peace now because I eliminated all the stupid and insensitive people I have encountered in my walk down the recovery road. I will do whatever I have to do to protect my recovery and the wonderful progress I am making. And because I made these changes, and set these boundaries, and put my recovery first, I see the wonderful healing that is going on with in me. I can hold up my end of a healthy and loving relationship now. I have changed so much for the positive and I will do anything I have to to protect that. Keep on posting, and keep on reading and sharing, and if you need to talk in private with me, you are welcome to private message me We overcome by loving and mutually supporting others like us or have been shattered in another way, we overcome by breaking out of the silence and coming forward. I was as sick as my secrets. Now that it is no longer a secret, it does not have the control over me that it once did. Hang in there, you are worth it, and I am here In SUPPORT

Thank you for posting your share on taking care of an addicted child. We seem to have no or very little resources to help with that scenario. I often wish there was an urgent care for the lifestyle of addiction/street life/relapse but I haven't found any support system as yet. Care providers just want to sweep everything under the carpet. It's a disease we're working with, yet everyone has their head buried in the sand saying it doesn't exist.

I can empathize and sympathize with you and hope your journey finds you in a better place than you were before.

Keep coming back.

Sincerely,

courage 

"Is it ok for me to take some time and keep to myself to heal? I don't want to date or make friends right now. I think I will "do it wrong" until I get stronger in my recovery. Does that make sense?"

Yes because this is what the program truly is about...learning about self care.  I didn't do tis very well when I started and as a newcomer hit it only in bits and pieces.  It took me a long while to learn the meaning and intention of "self focus" as I kept repeating old mistakes thinking I would be getting different results.

The most caring and loving statement I received at my 17th year anniversary was "Keep coming back".  I was looking at the exit of our meeting place with other thoughts in mind when I heard that and then made the "other" choice...sit down, shut up, listen, listen, listen.   My Higher Power urged a new comer into saying that.  

Your daughter is supposed to be a spectator of your growth in recovery without you telling her.  She just might want what you create for yourself along the way.  

My eldest son for now is way to self centered to reach out to any other alcoholic or addict to learn how it is done with 12 step recovery and still I know what can and will happen if he ever wills that for himself.

Keep coming back ((((Hugs))))  

I work in long term nursing and we take mentally ill patients also. I have a schizophrenic who is going to give me $700,000. (gently lol) I have bipolar and borderlines who get on my very last nerve! They know I love them but boy are they challenging. Yes, I do believe HP led me to this care taking job because life is truly about helping others.

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hey RachelsMom............omg....I had to chuckle at your "inheritance" and your post touched me deeply...What a gift you are to life..to Creator...To me and your fellow recovery mates......Sending you a HUUUUGE HUG ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((RM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))   keep coming back , this programme works and you are workin it..I can see that....and you asked is it ok for you to kinda back off and heal and not date or make friends right now.....and I am saying "HELL yes!!!!!"  That is the best thing you could do for you at this juncture in your life.....I got into recovery Feb., 2004 and I don't remember dating or "adding to my friendship" list UNTIL I was pretty sure some old patterns of Codependency were in check...I am talkin about a year minimum because I was such a mess.... I was aware of my tendency to date emotionally unavailable men or drinkers and did not want to repeat old learned and bad patterns.......so yea, I swore off dating for sure and was REAL careful about what females I wanted to hang out with....I did this because I knew I would have a ton on my plate sorting ME out...and for once!!!  I was putting me and my recovery and my sanity/mental health FIRST......so Yea, girlfriend, you take care of you....