I just want to share my personal experience with grief and forgiveness. If you're in pain due to emotional and or physical abandonment, I can relate to those feelings. I can remember having so much resentment toward my alcoholic father for how he treated me and our family. I was the scapegoat in the family during my growing up years. Sometimes the disease of alcoholism can show favoritism and yep, I was it. If it weren't for me, all would be just great in the household I was often told. I'm sure I don't have to fill you in on the emotional wreckage that causes to a child's psyche. But this post is not mean't to promote a bashing of parental mistakes. I found this program, found recovery, healing and understanding of myself and my father. Through Alanon I learned more about my part in our relationship.
I made a conscious choice before Alanon to have a relationship with with my father again and forgive him. My father was growing old, didn't drink any longer because it simply didn't physically feel good to do it. He had no program but he did have a belief in a hp. It was pretty simple for me, I wanted to know my father as an adult child and make my own decision about his place in my life. Up until that point, that decision had been made for me in my family of origin. Interestingly, the same way my father had used me as a scapegoat for all that went wrong in the house, we as a family held him responsible for all that was wrong in the house as well as with us personally. He caused it all.
I didn't expect nor feel it was important to get an apology from my father just to leave things open to converse and be in one another's company. I had not spoken to him for many years aside from cursing him out when I got old enough and he was in my face. I got lucky. I was entirely ready for something new and so was my father.
When he gave up drinking, my father began to change. He'd always had a hp and whether it was a spiritual awakening of some sort I'll never really know but what I do know is he was getting older, not as strong physically and his life was winding down. We never talked about how it had been in the house in my growing up years. I never made amends to him for any of the disrespect I'd shown him. We just moved forward in present time and acceptance with gratitude of the time we were being given with one another.
Looking back, I feel in my heart that his relationship with my exah was a way of making amends to me. What better way to say you love someone than to fully show love to the one they love. I suppose some might say well naturally two A will hit it off. That can also be a fact but there were other things only related to myself that cause me to believe my father was making amends to me. I think his shame ran so deep, it was hard for him to find the words so instead he took actions. My recovering abf and I have discussed this concerning his own kids and what he has shared strengthens my thinking that this may have been how my father felt inwardly. He began to do nice things for me. When I would visit, he would say I know you needed this fixed or thought you would like this so here. I'd simply say, "Thanks Dad that's nice of you." I didn't gush, run and hug him. I would have liked to but I loved him enough to respect his comfort level.
At this point I was in recovery and knowing I am not standing on a pedestal of perfection at which others should gaze and imitate, I accepted with gratitude any and all kindnesses from my father. I didn't need my father's help to resolve the wreckage of the past. My higher power lifted that from me when I worked the Steps and gifted me with compassion, forgiveness and acceptance. I was able to give to my father and say things to him I wanted to say. My biggest fear had been that if I would approach him to begin a relationship again, he might reject me. This was a really big abandonment issue. Somehow my hp even before Alanon and my hp gave me the courage to risk it. It may have come as a relief to my dad because he was receptive. Perhaps he had had wanted this but not known how to begin.
Honestly, there are no words to describe the feelings I feel now that both my parents gone from this world. You hear it likened to being an orphan in the world. I use to think that was maybe a bit overstated. We are adults I told myself, we can take care of ourselves and go on. Of course you go on but no matter what kind of parents, no matter what mistakes they have made, the world seems to be a changed place without them in it. I think it may be because they are the roots from which we came and at least for me anyway, in some unexplainable way, a part of me has died with them. And though I am not longer able to lean on them on ocassion for something in this world, my hp is caring for me each and every day and helping me in my life.
I'm glad that my father and I were able to come full circle and have a loving relationship. It was unique. It was one of a kind. It was loving. It was honest. In the latter years, I gave as a child to their aging parent and my father as parent having maybe gained more of life's wisdom with the help of a higher power. We were "us." It brought closure for me and peace as I continue on life's journey and I hope it gave my father serenity in his last moments here on earth. I'm grateful to my hp for helping me to find the courage to risk to know my father and myself more. Thanks for reading my post and for letting me share with you. ((hugs))) TT
el-cee said
Jul 29, 2018
Wow. Powerful share tt. Thank you for sharing. It makes me feel very grateful for this spiritual program of ours that allows us to experience such love. I'm happy for you and your father. I believe the miracle is just this.x
Iamhere said
Jul 29, 2018
Great share TT - thanks for the ESH & honesty! I can relate on so many levels and am also grateful to have found my peace with the family past and have relationships in lieu of and/or in spite of the water that has crossed under and over the bridge. As in another post, forgiveness has given me the ability to heal my heart that hurt for so very long for so very many reasons. I do believe today that nobody set out to hurt or harm me, they just didn't know any better for whatever reason. I'm grateful for the gift of recovery, humility, forgiveness and unconditional acceptance and love!
Aline said
Jul 29, 2018
Thanks so much for your share, tt... It spoke a lot to me, as my relationship with my father is pretty much non-existent. I am not sure I would have seen much of him at all if it weren't for my little half-sister whom I go to visit. This non-relationship with my father has been on my mind on and off for some weeks now... Thanks again.
mamalioness said
Jul 29, 2018
(((((((((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))) WOW!!! awesome and beautiful and you are so blessed...One of my greatest hurdles in recovery was the total LACK of remourse my sire and dam felt (they were not parents--that title is earned) anyway, they were "OK" with what they did...Never felt any remourse at all...so for ME as a gift to ME to release ME, I made the conscious decision (forgiveness is out of the question) but I did and CAN give up the hate and resentment and bitterness...i CAN and AM doing it for ME....they just don't exist to me anymore.....I trust in karma...they did not get away with it.....i feel more free.....yea, it would have been great had either felt any remourse and took responsibility, but I was dealing with narcissists who only care for and think of themselves.....I release me MYSELF...by making that decision to "LET GO" the ugly, dark hate i have felt all these years....they just are not worth it....
I am happy for you that you got to share love with your dad......my older sister who is now dead one year as of the 25th was a similiar story......when i got into recovery, i cut her out of my life because she defended HIM against me....blamed ME for not stopping the abuse....so i cut her out....i refused to communicate with her and she had cancer, but I was bleeding, hemorrhaging from my spirit and yea, i wished her well in her battle with cancer, but I was gonna take care of and fight for ME...save MY life and i cut out ALL people who were non supporters...
well years, later, 3 years b4 her death, she decided that she wanted her sister....she didn't want her alcoholic brothers and their drama..oh yea she loved all her family, but she was tired of their drinking/drugging and she wanted her ONLY sister who had cut her off and was right to
she reached out via facebook PM and I was polite, but not wanting to be close to her...she persisted..wanted me to know that she had had a spiritual awakening about me and what happened to me and why I was the way i was, due to the wounds and trauma and re-traumatizing I went through...Our now deceased Aunt Helen was instrumental in this reconciliation as my sister called her and said "please Aunt Helen, tell me all you know about my sister...She cut me out..its my fault...I don't understand her, please help" well my Aunt Helen who favored me, was not gentle when she told my sister exactly how badly i was treated from day one of my existence here on earth...she said she wanted to take me away from her sister but she would get promises that "I'll do better, take care of her better" but that never happened....she filled my sister in on what I had revealed to her about my abuse...what it did to me...how I felt to have ZERO support from siblings, and that never...never would i allow further wounding by anyone.....she also cautioned my sister that i may not be able to really trust again....
my sister was really saddened by this...my Aunt kept my secrets with her intact and didn't share with my sister, but she DID tell her that I shouldn't even be alive...or sane....
so my sister told me that she reached out to our aunt and that she wanted to , IF i wanted to share with her, what happend...I told her "no thank you, I'll keep my pain in the recovery rooms" she kept reaching out to me..showing interest in my comings and goings and little by little she earned the right to be friends on facebook...then the telephone calls...she really illustrated interest in healing the past with me, she apologized for not supporting me, she apologized for what happened to me...she condemned them for harming me so bad and had she understood, she would have moved me to CA with her when she married her hubs who liked me a lot and would have gladly taken me in......she told me one of her biggest sorrows was the lost years with me due to HER ignorance and lack of support of me....
I never went into the details with her as i am REEEEL picky whom i share it with...even in recovery....however we built a sister relationship and we came together...we were able to set aside the past and she became my biggest supporter, my loudest cheer leader, my encouragement when I felt like leaving recovery because I was sick of having to go through the emotions and pain of yet another bad memory....she encouraged me to keep on keeping on.....she became my best friend......so I, too, got blessed with a reconciliation, had it not been for recovery, probably would not have happened because my heart was cold, shut down, closed to those who made mistakes with me....recovery has taught me discernment and tho I don't give 2nd chances often, sometimes it is necessary as I want to be given leeway when I mess up and take responsibility....She hurt me bad, but it was not out of an evil heart, just a blind one, a lady who just did not want to think that her parents were THAT evil..THAT bad..but she, in the end, did realize that and she put me first for a change....
when she passed last year, I cried tears of sadness in losing her and also tears of gratitude that I DID, really have a REAL sister!!!!! Recovery has given me that!!!!!
el-cee said
Jul 29, 2018
Rose x that's amazing. So glad you got your sister and I think your right forgiveness comes in time through compassion and understanding. I was listening to a speaker sharing about how her daughter tried and couldn't forgive a man who brutally raped her and she carried hate for a long time. She continued working the steps and service work took her to a prison where she met men who had raped women. She felt all the old fear and hatred but after hearing their stories about their lives and how many had brutal childhoods themselves compassion came for that woman and forgiveness. Just like that she was free. This program is a gift. Thanks for sharing.
mamalioness said
Jul 29, 2018
hey el-cee...I did research on both of their childhoods, siblings, friends, even their parents b4 they died and there was NO abuse in their lives: none at all....so that said, I guess you can raise them up and all, but a bad seed is gonna be a bad seed..and two bad seeds happened to meet and breed.....so sad...I wish there was certain criteria that must be met before a couple can procreate or adopt....anyway, forgiveness?? no!!! but letting go the hate and resentment, harboring grudges, cursing their souls??? YES!!!! I don't curse them anymore....I decided to spend that energy on more positive responses, like loving me and sharing that love where safe.....I did it for me....as to the lady who felt compassion for the rapists??? good on her..Its a personal thing..forgiveness and/or feeling compassion for the unremourseful wicked is only a by product of recovery....now I feel sad for ANY child who was brutalized...I was brutalized, but I chose NOT to perpetuate that...I mostly took my anger out on me because I could not harm another creature...I set myself free by deciding, by telling my HP to remove all that pus and poison from my heart...to bless my efforts of taking all that hate, revenge out of me and dissolving it in the universe.....it musta worked because now, they just do not exist for me unless i am sharing something about my past, and even then, I set a limit just how much I want them in my thoughts....they had good lives...my grandparents on both sides were good people...strict?? yes, paternal grampa was strict, but he loved his family...he worked his ass off to give them good lives....so did my maternal grandparents...I know...I knew them...I lived with them on visits...I researched their lives quite a bit, especially after I got into recovery because I wanted to know.....what could create such selfishness in her and such dark evil in him...my cousin and BFF can't figure it out either...my Cousin knew the grandparents and siblings of my sire and dam and SHE is puzzled...it just goes to show, you can be a good parent and still your offspring can turn out wicked....you can be a crappy parent and the offspring can turn out to be a vessel of love which is what I want to be....tho I am not a people person, i really crave to do what is right, fair, just and moral.................thank you el-cee for weighing in...Its always good to see you......
SerenityRUS said
Jul 30, 2018
Thanks for sharing this TT .. i'm in a place I didn't think to find myself any time soon. :) Many hugs S :)
I just want to share my personal experience with grief and forgiveness. If you're in pain due to emotional and or physical abandonment, I can relate to those feelings. I can remember having so much resentment toward my alcoholic father for how he treated me and our family. I was the scapegoat in the family during my growing up years. Sometimes the disease of alcoholism can show favoritism and yep, I was it. If it weren't for me, all would be just great in the household I was often told. I'm sure I don't have to fill you in on the emotional wreckage that causes to a child's psyche. But this post is not mean't to promote a bashing of parental mistakes. I found this program, found recovery, healing and understanding of myself and my father. Through Alanon I learned more about my part in our relationship.
I made a conscious choice before Alanon to have a relationship with with my father again and forgive him. My father was growing old, didn't drink any longer because it simply didn't physically feel good to do it. He had no program but he did have a belief in a hp. It was pretty simple for me, I wanted to know my father as an adult child and make my own decision about his place in my life. Up until that point, that decision had been made for me in my family of origin. Interestingly, the same way my father had used me as a scapegoat for all that went wrong in the house, we as a family held him responsible for all that was wrong in the house as well as with us personally. He caused it all.
I didn't expect nor feel it was important to get an apology from my father just to leave things open to converse and be in one another's company. I had not spoken to him for many years aside from cursing him out when I got old enough and he was in my face. I got lucky. I was entirely ready for something new and so was my father.
When he gave up drinking, my father began to change. He'd always had a hp and whether it was a spiritual awakening of some sort I'll never really know but what I do know is he was getting older, not as strong physically and his life was winding down. We never talked about how it had been in the house in my growing up years. I never made amends to him for any of the disrespect I'd shown him. We just moved forward in present time and acceptance with gratitude of the time we were being given with one another.
Looking back, I feel in my heart that his relationship with my exah was a way of making amends to me. What better way to say you love someone than to fully show love to the one they love. I suppose some might say well naturally two A will hit it off. That can also be a fact but there were other things only related to myself that cause me to believe my father was making amends to me. I think his shame ran so deep, it was hard for him to find the words so instead he took actions. My recovering abf and I have discussed this concerning his own kids and what he has shared strengthens my thinking that this may have been how my father felt inwardly. He began to do nice things for me. When I would visit, he would say I know you needed this fixed or thought you would like this so here. I'd simply say, "Thanks Dad that's nice of you." I didn't gush, run and hug him. I would have liked to but I loved him enough to respect his comfort level.
At this point I was in recovery and knowing I am not standing on a pedestal of perfection at which others should gaze and imitate, I accepted with gratitude any and all kindnesses from my father. I didn't need my father's help to resolve the wreckage of the past. My higher power lifted that from me when I worked the Steps and gifted me with compassion, forgiveness and acceptance. I was able to give to my father and say things to him I wanted to say. My biggest fear had been that if I would approach him to begin a relationship again, he might reject me. This was a really big abandonment issue. Somehow my hp even before Alanon and my hp gave me the courage to risk it. It may have come as a relief to my dad because he was receptive. Perhaps he had had wanted this but not known how to begin.
Honestly, there are no words to describe the feelings I feel now that both my parents gone from this world. You hear it likened to being an orphan in the world. I use to think that was maybe a bit overstated. We are adults I told myself, we can take care of ourselves and go on. Of course you go on but no matter what kind of parents, no matter what mistakes they have made, the world seems to be a changed place without them in it. I think it may be because they are the roots from which we came and at least for me anyway, in some unexplainable way, a part of me has died with them. And though I am not longer able to lean on them on ocassion for something in this world, my hp is caring for me each and every day and helping me in my life.
I'm glad that my father and I were able to come full circle and have a loving relationship. It was unique. It was one of a kind. It was loving. It was honest. In the latter years, I gave as a child to their aging parent and my father as parent having maybe gained more of life's wisdom with the help of a higher power. We were "us." It brought closure for me and peace as I continue on life's journey and I hope it gave my father serenity in his last moments here on earth. I'm grateful to my hp for helping me to find the courage to risk to know my father and myself more. Thanks for reading my post and for letting me share with you. ((hugs))) TT
(((((((((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))) WOW!!! awesome and beautiful and you are so blessed...One of my greatest hurdles in recovery was the total LACK of remourse my sire and dam felt (they were not parents--that title is earned) anyway, they were "OK" with what they did...Never felt any remourse at all...so for ME as a gift to ME to release ME, I made the conscious decision (forgiveness is out of the question) but I did and CAN give up the hate and resentment and bitterness...i CAN and AM doing it for ME....they just don't exist to me anymore.....I trust in karma...they did not get away with it.....i feel more free.....yea, it would have been great had either felt any remourse and took responsibility, but I was dealing with narcissists who only care for and think of themselves.....I release me MYSELF...by making that decision to "LET GO" the ugly, dark hate i have felt all these years....they just are not worth it....
I am happy for you that you got to share love with your dad......my older sister who is now dead one year as of the 25th was a similiar story......when i got into recovery, i cut her out of my life because she defended HIM against me....blamed ME for not stopping the abuse....so i cut her out....i refused to communicate with her and she had cancer, but I was bleeding, hemorrhaging from my spirit and yea, i wished her well in her battle with cancer, but I was gonna take care of and fight for ME...save MY life and i cut out ALL people who were non supporters...
well years, later, 3 years b4 her death, she decided that she wanted her sister....she didn't want her alcoholic brothers and their drama..oh yea she loved all her family, but she was tired of their drinking/drugging and she wanted her ONLY sister who had cut her off and was right to
she reached out via facebook PM and I was polite, but not wanting to be close to her...she persisted..wanted me to know that she had had a spiritual awakening about me and what happened to me and why I was the way i was, due to the wounds and trauma and re-traumatizing I went through...Our now deceased Aunt Helen was instrumental in this reconciliation as my sister called her and said "please Aunt Helen, tell me all you know about my sister...She cut me out..its my fault...I don't understand her, please help" well my Aunt Helen who favored me, was not gentle when she told my sister exactly how badly i was treated from day one of my existence here on earth...she said she wanted to take me away from her sister but she would get promises that "I'll do better, take care of her better" but that never happened....she filled my sister in on what I had revealed to her about my abuse...what it did to me...how I felt to have ZERO support from siblings, and that never...never would i allow further wounding by anyone.....she also cautioned my sister that i may not be able to really trust again....
my sister was really saddened by this...my Aunt kept my secrets with her intact and didn't share with my sister, but she DID tell her that I shouldn't even be alive...or sane....
so my sister told me that she reached out to our aunt and that she wanted to , IF i wanted to share with her, what happend...I told her "no thank you, I'll keep my pain in the recovery rooms" she kept reaching out to me..showing interest in my comings and goings and little by little she earned the right to be friends on facebook...then the telephone calls...she really illustrated interest in healing the past with me, she apologized for not supporting me, she apologized for what happened to me...she condemned them for harming me so bad and had she understood, she would have moved me to CA with her when she married her hubs who liked me a lot and would have gladly taken me in......she told me one of her biggest sorrows was the lost years with me due to HER ignorance and lack of support of me....
I never went into the details with her as i am REEEEL picky whom i share it with...even in recovery....however we built a sister relationship and we came together...we were able to set aside the past and she became my biggest supporter, my loudest cheer leader, my encouragement when I felt like leaving recovery because I was sick of having to go through the emotions and pain of yet another bad memory....she encouraged me to keep on keeping on.....she became my best friend......so I, too, got blessed with a reconciliation, had it not been for recovery, probably would not have happened because my heart was cold, shut down, closed to those who made mistakes with me....recovery has taught me discernment and tho I don't give 2nd chances often, sometimes it is necessary as I want to be given leeway when I mess up and take responsibility....She hurt me bad, but it was not out of an evil heart, just a blind one, a lady who just did not want to think that her parents were THAT evil..THAT bad..but she, in the end, did realize that and she put me first for a change....
when she passed last year, I cried tears of sadness in losing her and also tears of gratitude that I DID, really have a REAL sister!!!!! Recovery has given me that!!!!!