I'm writing from Alaska, where I've enjoyed working the past week. I love it here and am feeling really blessed!
I have mixed feelings left over from when my sister called me the other day. She's unstable and looking for attention. I've told her many times that I do not wish to receive phone calls about my exAH or his family. I understand I have the choice to detach in any number of ways including hanging up. I do have some guilt (and I know this is not part of the program) because my Dad's last dying wish was that my sister and I could have a relationship.
My sister is a pathological liar and distorts truths into a large chaos. So when I gathered enough information that my exAH's brother is dying from cancer, I drew my boundary firmly and without emotion.
The brother and I had a great rapport until my exAH remarried, then he made my life a misery for over 12 years.
It is not safe for me to even send prayers, good wishes, or condolences.
However, I do want to forgive and I noticed that I'm angry. I'm turning over to my HP every time I feel anger but can please use some support and I don't want this gnawing at me during my last few days before I return home.
Many thanks!!!
Bo said
Jul 28, 2018
Hello Bud...glad you are so enjoying Alaska. I understand how you feel. I get that leftover feeling after a "trigger" phone call; and one of the people is my sister as well! LOL. That said, when another person -- unstable, alcoholic, drama-driven, etc., whatever it might be -- comes into contact with us, it's a slippery slope. Just seeing the name on my phone can trigger me. I am glad to say that because I am healthy, I don't slide or regress as a result of seeing the name, but my stomach gets that immediate knot.
After the fact, the leftover for me is part of my slip. I have to handle it. I don't focus on her. My sister is emotionally incapable of being anything but self-centered. She is emotionally incapable of many things actually. But, she thrives, needs, the drama. It is like her drug. Regardless, I am there for her in a healthy and supportive way, but I keep my space and distance. I do not join the fray. I must do this, for me to stay healthy. So, what was your boundary? I think for me -- it's the basics -- acceptance, total and complete acceptance. It's also, letting go. For me, letting go can be a struggle, so first, I surrender. Completely surrender. For me that's no statements, no efforts, no passive aggressive or sarcastic comments, nothing. Nothing at all. I have to be clear in my mind and really lean on the acceptance piece. When I stop fighting it, stop trying to make it go away, stop whatever I felt like doing or saying -- that's surrender. It's hard-core basic Step One, Two and Three. After I surrender, then I can let it go.
That's when I can truly get past the anger and resentment -- anything I was holding on to -- specifically that leftover feeling. I understand you had great rapport with your ex-bil. I get it. I did to. Sometimes, relationships change and disappear, for many reasons. They may not be "right" or rational. They may not be justifiable. I bring it back to acceptance. It is not safe for you. But you can feel those feelings, and know that you are feeling them. You can send thoughts and prayers without contacting him. That relationship is in the past, another part of your life. You are the good person. Focus on you, on getting past the anger. Lean into your program...program...program. YOU are the one who has to do the work. Enjoy your last few days in lovely Alaska.
a4l said
Jul 28, 2018
((Bud)). It used to irk me when people mention things they frankly have no business mentioning to me, like the scenario you shared. But then, you know, I look at my life and as much as parts of it have been really hard, it certainly hasn't been so boring I need to dwell in the murky depths of other peoples lived experiences without invitation to do so. Logically, who does that? Who brings up a dying former in-law knowing that the situation was and is unworkable? A someone without the requisite wisdom to know better and then do better. Well done for drawing up the boundary. Reaffirm your positive life choices and your strengths and assets. I have no relationship with my own sisters, and I am grateful for that, because I can not relate to their wavelengths. My life is just so much happier without the drama. I have known others to keep siblings at polite distance, and personally have never judged them negatively for that because I understand it. We have to take care of ourselves. It sounds like you are doing just that. Keep on keeping on...and wow! Alaska!!
JerryF said
Jul 28, 2018
Aloha Bud. I'd say that you and your sister do have a relationship and might be it is as best as can be for now until something or someone changes for what ever reason. When I left my family of origin to get out of and away from the affect of the family disease in my life the relationships changed; they didn't end. I changed the things I could and while the family was affected I knew it would happen and accepted the changes as part of the deal. In time I didn't have to fight or react to personalities it was what it was and I was okay. I listed what I knew I had to make amends (change) for and became the "different" brother, cousin, uncle and such and out side of the occasional "How come you don't (whatever) anymore" balance came. I liked the me I was becoming and isn't that what program was trying to teach me..."change the things" I could. Amends isn't so much apologies though they could be connected. Before program out of fear I rarely apologized for shameful behaviors and then I learned how to do that also.
Do your inventory, share it with your sponsor or a trusted program friend and you Higher Power. When you find the right process for you...do it...do it once...turn it over and fall in love still with them and with you.
My HP taught me a lesson about fear...the opposite of it is love. I cannot do fear and love at the same time. Don't fear her ...love her. ((((hugs))))
bud said
Jul 28, 2018
Bo - thank you - your share makes me feel less alone and validated that I'm not loosing my mind. You get this! My sister is ill and I have come to a place of forgiveness for her meddling. However, this does not stop her from being inappropriate, annoying, or dangerous herself. She stated she would feel horribly remiss by not delivering the news and she said she wanted to prove to me that she was being a loyal good sister. (Crazy-making, warped, and truly has nothing to do with the support I asked for and need... but I can't change her... can't make her listen... it's all about her... again...) I replied with my boundary that I did not want the news, will not discuss it anymore, that we could talk about other things, and if not, then I need to hop off the phone. She opted to change the topic, another topic also related to her growing pity party. I detached and listened for a few minutes, used some humor and told her that I put the kibosh on her pity party - pity party over - she chuckled - and I then let her know I loved her before ending the conversation.
It didn't feel good when I drew the boundary. It felt like spelling it out like this makes me appear callous.... a man I knew for over 25 years is dying (if what she says is true and I haven't a clue one way or another) and I ended the conversation... makes me feel like an ice queen.
I don't wish anyone harm. I wish things had taken a different course. I did the best I could with what I had and I suppose he may have done the same. Thank you - this feels better.
a4l - thanks so much! Irksome is a good word for this feeling, for sure. My sister does not acknowledge the situation was unworkable. She supplied my exAH. (under yet another guise of being a "good sister" to me... UGH) I hadn't spoke to her for decades until both parents passed a few years ago. I don't initiate. I know she has no-one else and she pushes people away. I know that keeping things infrequent and brief is the most I can handle, if that. Thank you for understanding and suggesting grace... this helps.
Hi Jerry - thanks for your pearls of wisdom that can apply to every relationship! Yes, working the program, I have become more accepting than before... still have a ways to go and blessed for Alanon and my HP. Reading your post reminded me of how much fear I had with respect to my sister and brother in law - they were both so over the top mean spirited and I was/ am powerless. Now I see that the fear had bubbled up and this is what makes me reactive. Time to strengthen my relationship with my HP... thank you!
I'm so appreciative for everyone's support and will keep my focus to the present. Only a few more days... for moose, bald eagles, the serenity of the river... and work that I love.
Feeling grateful and blessed.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 29, 2018
(((((Bud))))))
Sending you cyber-support! Enjoy the last days of Alaska!
el-cee said
Jul 29, 2018
It could be a step 4. Write out all you resent him for then the effect on you and then the hard bit. Your part in it. I find I get more awareness then understanding then compassion. Forgiveness is freedom and you deserve that. The barriers to forgiveness for me are self pity and seeing myself as a victim of another person. I kinda demonize the person and in my mind I'm an innocent Angel. This is my go to thinking. Usually when I look more closely I see human flaws in both them and me and these must be accepted for serenity. Then I can acknowledge my feelings and let them pass. If I hold onto them then usually I'm fixed in the resentment and lose clarity. Then for me it's about boundaries. How can I protect myself from being hurt? Well maybe I will just work to not take things personally or maybe I won't be in the person's company for long or maybe I'm use services like police etc. Usually forgiveness comes alongside my rebuilt trust in myself.
JerryF said
Jul 29, 2018
Oh El-Cee I refer to the people who can speak and teach like that as Kupuna or the elders in my Hawaiian Culture. The wisdom is attractive and to me very inviting and wanting me to behave in like manner. I know you will not mind if I copy this and read it daily to impress it into my awareness.
Mahalo for your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
Iamhere said
Jul 29, 2018
Hey Bud - there was a lovely MIP member who had a great line in her signature that always helped me when the past was haunting me and forgiveness felt unattainable....
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I refer to this often as it is so simple and spot on....I also found an earlier discussion that may help you out!!
El-see, I was attacked and then dragged to court for over 10 years. My part? I don't really know, I didn't have a choice of walking away. I was "punished" every time I did or didn't do anything. The judges rotate in an overbooked court every two years, so by the time a judge was able to really look at what was happening to end the abuse it was about 12 years later. I wasn't engaging, just trying to live my life.
I tried to do a 4th as his distorted and unacceptable behavior was horrifying and a mirror of what I had with my exAH, but the BIL was a lawyer and knew how to work the system to keep his foot on top of me.... just because he could.
Suggestion for the 4th is welcomed please!
bud said
Jul 29, 2018
IamHere - Many thanks and I did find it helpful. Maybe just agreeing with myself to forgive, send positive thoughts through my HP for something better for all involved. Perhaps this is enough. It feels better to say it without diving into the muck... will practice this one for a while... it feels peaceful.
el-cee said
Jul 29, 2018
Bud I'm sorry for all you experienced. To me spirituality is an attempt by us to get to serenity through acceptance. Many of us including me have suffered abuse. The 12 steps are a way to let it go and get to peace with all those memories. My 'abuser' is a very close family member who is still in my life. The steps helped me. I had to get honest with myself and search for my part. My part was that I had no boundaries and accepted unacceptable behaviour over and over. I had many false beliefs that kept me locked in such as it was my own fault and I deserved It, the martyr role. I also believed he had to change for it to end and I was a victim. I believed if I changed my behaviour if I was better it would stop. I believed I had power to change the things I can't. This is my part. When I was able to see that and that my own thinking was distorted then I began to see my real power. I got clarity in alanon and was able to see my abuser clearer. He was or is a sick person riddled with self loathing and guilt. His behaviour all stems from this. I feel empathy and compassion. I myself enough to have strong boundaries around this person. I dip in and out of situations I feel comfortable with and stay away from the parts that won't be good for me. The main thing for me us I'm free from the chains if resentment hate anger going over the bad memories where I'm firmly the victim or martyr. I hope this helps. Might be an idea to talk it over with your sponsor.
tiredtonite said
Jul 29, 2018
Hi (((bud)))) Safe trip home and know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you work through these feelings. Good to see you sharing here again. TT
bud said
Jul 30, 2018
Thanks El-cee. A little stuck on this one and when I return home will review with my sponsor. The relationship with the BIL had be severed for 5 years, I was living my life, and then he came after me. To your point, I don't want to feel like a victim. I have forgiven my exAH and other qualifiers a long time ago. My part may simply be that I had married my exAH... and I'm grateful to my MIP family and Alanon that I've grown since.
Thank you TT - always feels great to have your warm, caring support!
2HP said
Jul 31, 2018
At one point in my recovery, I too had worked and reworked inventory trying to "see my part" with every desire of making peace and moving on... knowing very well that after cleaning house, forgiveness and peace naturally flow.
I have since learned, however, that it is not so easy in abusive situations. sometimes we are victimized by people who behave badly.
I was once in a meeting where an old timer shared his story about his alcoholic father who had beaten him when he was a teenager, leaving him with a large wound on his forehead. He shared with tears and loud sobs over the fact that neither parent did anything to provide medical care despite profuse bleeding. This elderly man had been in recovery for 40 years, the sponsor of 19 men. He knew all about steps and inventory work and here he was, his forehead was healed over but his heart was still bleeding.
That meeting triggered memories of my own childhood abuse and I felt very angry. I had done inventory and wasn't getting anywhere. Sure I may have played a part... and he may have played a part... YOU may have played a part... in another lifetime maybe!
I'm grateful that at about that same time, a member in another meeting across town was emphasizing her success through a therapy called EMDR. I have come to realize Higher Power's helping hand is very wide and vast. I have my peace now. Do remain open to professional support.
Your sister reminds me of the borderlines in my life. A frustrating thing about borderlines is that when I state my boundary, it somehow becomes their target. So when they walk through my stated boundary (as your sister seems to have done) I try my best to re-assert my boundary in this way, "I understand you feel THAT way, and I feel THIS way" or "I hear what you are saying and that is YOUR way and I must do it MY way" ...you get the idea. Giving them respect by saying "I hear you and I understand you" seems to help.
I do have relationships with loved ones that I wish weren't so difficult. I pray that the things I wish I had with them, I can receive from the Higher Power.
You obviously wish to play your part well in the great drama of life and I admire that. I wish you many more beautiful days, beyond Alaska.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 31st of July 2018 10:06:37 PM
bud said
Aug 3, 2018
Back from Alaska, blessed for the opportunity to visit and work.
Thank you 2HP, I appreciate that you understand my struggle to identify my part... I must have one because I was present and am not perfect. It could be that my part is acceptance.
I did smile when reading your description of how borderlines tend to focus on overstepping a boundary... this is my experience too. Thank you for the supportive share on statements that may help my sister feel heard.
Hi MIP family,
I'm writing from Alaska, where I've enjoyed working the past week. I love it here and am feeling really blessed!
I have mixed feelings left over from when my sister called me the other day. She's unstable and looking for attention. I've told her many times that I do not wish to receive phone calls about my exAH or his family. I understand I have the choice to detach in any number of ways including hanging up. I do have some guilt (and I know this is not part of the program) because my Dad's last dying wish was that my sister and I could have a relationship.
My sister is a pathological liar and distorts truths into a large chaos. So when I gathered enough information that my exAH's brother is dying from cancer, I drew my boundary firmly and without emotion.
The brother and I had a great rapport until my exAH remarried, then he made my life a misery for over 12 years.
It is not safe for me to even send prayers, good wishes, or condolences.
However, I do want to forgive and I noticed that I'm angry. I'm turning over to my HP every time I feel anger but can please use some support and I don't want this gnawing at me during my last few days before I return home.
Many thanks!!!
After the fact, the leftover for me is part of my slip. I have to handle it. I don't focus on her. My sister is emotionally incapable of being anything but self-centered. She is emotionally incapable of many things actually. But, she thrives, needs, the drama. It is like her drug. Regardless, I am there for her in a healthy and supportive way, but I keep my space and distance. I do not join the fray. I must do this, for me to stay healthy. So, what was your boundary? I think for me -- it's the basics -- acceptance, total and complete acceptance. It's also, letting go. For me, letting go can be a struggle, so first, I surrender. Completely surrender. For me that's no statements, no efforts, no passive aggressive or sarcastic comments, nothing. Nothing at all. I have to be clear in my mind and really lean on the acceptance piece. When I stop fighting it, stop trying to make it go away, stop whatever I felt like doing or saying -- that's surrender. It's hard-core basic Step One, Two and Three. After I surrender, then I can let it go.
That's when I can truly get past the anger and resentment -- anything I was holding on to -- specifically that leftover feeling. I understand you had great rapport with your ex-bil. I get it. I did to. Sometimes, relationships change and disappear, for many reasons. They may not be "right" or rational. They may not be justifiable. I bring it back to acceptance. It is not safe for you. But you can feel those feelings, and know that you are feeling them. You can send thoughts and prayers without contacting him. That relationship is in the past, another part of your life. You are the good person. Focus on you, on getting past the anger. Lean into your program...program...program. YOU are the one who has to do the work. Enjoy your last few days in lovely Alaska.
Aloha Bud. I'd say that you and your sister do have a relationship and might be it is as best as can be for now until something or someone changes for what ever reason. When I left my family of origin to get out of and away from the affect of the family disease in my life the relationships changed; they didn't end. I changed the things I could and while the family was affected I knew it would happen and accepted the changes as part of the deal. In time I didn't have to fight or react to personalities it was what it was and I was okay. I listed what I knew I had to make amends (change) for and became the "different" brother, cousin, uncle and such and out side of the occasional "How come you don't (whatever) anymore" balance came. I liked the me I was becoming and isn't that what program was trying to teach me..."change the things" I could. Amends isn't so much apologies though they could be connected. Before program out of fear I rarely apologized for shameful behaviors and then I learned how to do that also.
Do your inventory, share it with your sponsor or a trusted program friend and you Higher Power. When you find the right process for you...do it...do it once...turn it over and fall in love still with them and with you.
My HP taught me a lesson about fear...the opposite of it is love. I cannot do fear and love at the same time. Don't fear her ...love her. ((((hugs))))
It didn't feel good when I drew the boundary. It felt like spelling it out like this makes me appear callous.... a man I knew for over 25 years is dying (if what she says is true and I haven't a clue one way or another) and I ended the conversation... makes me feel like an ice queen.
I don't wish anyone harm. I wish things had taken a different course. I did the best I could with what I had and I suppose he may have done the same. Thank you - this feels better.
a4l - thanks so much! Irksome is a good word for this feeling, for sure. My sister does not acknowledge the situation was unworkable. She supplied my exAH. (under yet another guise of being a "good sister" to me... UGH) I hadn't spoke to her for decades until both parents passed a few years ago. I don't initiate. I know she has no-one else and she pushes people away. I know that keeping things infrequent and brief is the most I can handle, if that. Thank you for understanding and suggesting grace... this helps.
Hi Jerry - thanks for your pearls of wisdom that can apply to every relationship! Yes, working the program, I have become more accepting than before... still have a ways to go and blessed for Alanon and my HP. Reading your post reminded me of how much fear I had with respect to my sister and brother in law - they were both so over the top mean spirited and I was/ am powerless. Now I see that the fear had bubbled up and this is what makes me reactive. Time to strengthen my relationship with my HP... thank you!
I'm so appreciative for everyone's support and will keep my focus to the present. Only a few more days... for moose, bald eagles, the serenity of the river... and work that I love.
Feeling grateful and blessed.
Sending you cyber-support! Enjoy the last days of Alaska!
Oh El-Cee I refer to the people who can speak and teach like that as Kupuna or the elders in my Hawaiian Culture. The wisdom is attractive and to me very inviting and wanting me to behave in like manner. I know you will not mind if I copy this and read it daily to impress it into my awareness.
Mahalo for your ESH. ((((HUGS))))
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
I refer to this often as it is so simple and spot on....I also found an earlier discussion that may help you out!!
alanon.activeboard.com/t60730738/forgiveness/
Sending (((hugs))) to Alaska!
I tried to do a 4th as his distorted and unacceptable behavior was horrifying and a mirror of what I had with my exAH, but the BIL was a lawyer and knew how to work the system to keep his foot on top of me.... just because he could.
Suggestion for the 4th is welcomed please!
Hi (((bud)))) Safe trip home and know you are in my thoughts and prayers as you work through these feelings. Good to see you sharing here again. TT
Thank you TT - always feels great to have your warm, caring support!
At one point in my recovery, I too had worked and reworked inventory trying to "see my part" with every desire of making peace and moving on... knowing very well that after cleaning house, forgiveness and peace naturally flow.
I have since learned, however, that it is not so easy in abusive situations. sometimes we are victimized by people who behave badly.
I was once in a meeting where an old timer shared his story about his alcoholic father who had beaten him when he was a teenager, leaving him with a large wound on his forehead. He shared with tears and loud sobs over the fact that neither parent did anything to provide medical care despite profuse bleeding. This elderly man had been in recovery for 40 years, the sponsor of 19 men. He knew all about steps and inventory work and here he was, his forehead was healed over but his heart was still bleeding.
That meeting triggered memories of my own childhood abuse and I felt very angry. I had done inventory and wasn't getting anywhere. Sure I may have played a part... and he may have played a part... YOU may have played a part... in another lifetime maybe!
I'm grateful that at about that same time, a member in another meeting across town was emphasizing her success through a therapy called EMDR.
I have come to realize Higher Power's helping hand is very wide and vast. I have my peace now. Do remain open to professional support.
Your sister reminds me of the borderlines in my life. A frustrating thing about borderlines is that when I state my boundary, it somehow becomes their target. So when they walk through my stated boundary (as your sister seems to have done) I try my best to re-assert my boundary in this way, "I understand you feel THAT way, and I feel THIS way" or "I hear what you are saying and that is YOUR way and I must do it MY way" ...you get the idea. Giving them respect by saying "I hear you and I understand you" seems to help.
I do have relationships with loved ones that I wish weren't so difficult. I pray that the things I wish I had with them, I can receive from the Higher Power.
You obviously wish to play your part well in the great drama of life and I admire that. I wish you many more beautiful days, beyond Alaska.
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 31st of July 2018 10:06:37 PM
Thank you 2HP, I appreciate that you understand my struggle to identify my part... I must have one because I was present and am not perfect. It could be that my part is acceptance.
I did smile when reading your description of how borderlines tend to focus on overstepping a boundary... this is my experience too. Thank you for the supportive share on statements that may help my sister feel heard.