Hi everyone. As I stated before, product of alcoholic family. I find it so hard to cope with immediate family. For me its brothers and a sister. I just want to avoid any contact with them and so on. I don't know if this is realistic for me or not. Avoidance is something I have used my whole life, rather than confront. Here is an example- a few years ago I went on a cruise with a group of friends. I felt sorry for my sister, who is practically destitute, because of choices she has made. She is one of the most effected person I know from the disease of alcoholism. So I paid for her trip. Since then she has hinted that I should do this again. I have in a round about way- stated that I cannot do this again. I am retiring in 4 years and am trying to plan for that. I do take about one vacation a year away but I certainly cannot pay for her again. So she is angry and seems hurt. Really? I am so tired of her sometimes I just wanna say I just don't want you in my life. I know it may sound awful but she so clueless at times about everything. I know I need to detached and let her deal with her own stuff but its been a lifetime of dysfunction. I could go on. I know I am not perfect but at least I am trying, or so I think! UGh
canadianguy said
Jul 25, 2018
Hi Ginny.... I certainly do empathize, but the thought that first came to my mind was the words of my wise old sponsor, who asked "why do we keep thinking sick and irrational people will behave in healthy and rational ways?"
You did something awesome and amazing for your sister - good on ya!
Now she wants more - no big surprise there, unfortunately....
Like it says in my signature below, all you can do is practice "what you think of me is none of my business". It is not yours to take on the guilt that she is trying to get you to own....
Take care
Tom
Iamhere said
Jul 25, 2018
One of my boundaries when I entered Al-Anon was 'closing the bank of ____' (last name). We are retired and we are fine but we worked hard to get where we are, and we are living on a fixed income. That happens to be higher than most, but those 2 words, fixed income and I can't or I won't work really well for me. I have a large family and this disease is in many. I don't do bail bonds, lawyers, court fees, etc. - nodda ... nothing.
I will buy groceries or a meal for someone who is hungry. I will fill up a gas tank for someone to get to work/meetings. I provide service when I can and where I can, but I no longer foot the bill for any able-bodied person. I also don't do loans to family - that's rarely(never) gone well.
I had to learn in recovery that I really don't owe anyone else anything else but grace, dignity, respect and kindness. Those are within me, possible with serenity and HP and don't affect my pocketbook. When I am feeling the 'wrath' of another who's got a different view, I simply respond with one of the suggested Al-Anon responses kindly and then detach.
I am sorry you are feeling pressured....it's not a good feeling to have and one I can relate to. What I find lovely about life is when I step out of the way of the path of another, typically things work out as they are supposed to. (((Hugs)))
JerryF said
Jul 25, 2018
As an enabler learning detachment wasn't easy yet it was magical...I learned to say no calmly and easily letting my body language also say it. And then when my self said it verbally and body language I didn't re-enter the subject. My sponsor got me to practice "Oh well" if others thought me unkind or un-whatever but "Oh Well" came to be the period at the end of the statement "no". Try that...see how it sounds and fits with you...practice, practice, practice. When you got it down to habit for the right reason it becomes real. ((((hugs))))
Hi everyone. As I stated before, product of alcoholic family. I find it so hard to cope with immediate family. For me its brothers and a sister. I just want to avoid any contact with them and so on. I don't know if this is realistic for me or not. Avoidance is something I have used my whole life, rather than confront. Here is an example- a few years ago I went on a cruise with a group of friends. I felt sorry for my sister, who is practically destitute, because of choices she has made. She is one of the most effected person I know from the disease of alcoholism. So I paid for her trip. Since then she has hinted that I should do this again. I have in a round about way- stated that I cannot do this again. I am retiring in 4 years and am trying to plan for that. I do take about one vacation a year away but I certainly cannot pay for her again. So she is angry and seems hurt. Really? I am so tired of her sometimes I just wanna say I just don't want you in my life. I know it may sound awful but she so clueless at times about everything. I know I need to detached and let her deal with her own stuff but its been a lifetime of dysfunction. I could go on. I know I am not perfect but at least I am trying, or so I think! UGh
Hi Ginny.... I certainly do empathize, but the thought that first came to my mind was the words of my wise old sponsor, who asked "why do we keep thinking sick and irrational people will behave in healthy and rational ways?"
You did something awesome and amazing for your sister - good on ya!
Now she wants more - no big surprise there, unfortunately....
Like it says in my signature below, all you can do is practice "what you think of me is none of my business". It is not yours to take on the guilt that she is trying to get you to own....
Take care
Tom
I will buy groceries or a meal for someone who is hungry. I will fill up a gas tank for someone to get to work/meetings. I provide service when I can and where I can, but I no longer foot the bill for any able-bodied person. I also don't do loans to family - that's rarely(never) gone well.
I had to learn in recovery that I really don't owe anyone else anything else but grace, dignity, respect and kindness. Those are within me, possible with serenity and HP and don't affect my pocketbook. When I am feeling the 'wrath' of another who's got a different view, I simply respond with one of the suggested Al-Anon responses kindly and then detach.
I am sorry you are feeling pressured....it's not a good feeling to have and one I can relate to. What I find lovely about life is when I step out of the way of the path of another, typically things work out as they are supposed to. (((Hugs)))
As an enabler learning detachment wasn't easy yet it was magical...I learned to say no calmly and easily letting my body language also say it. And then when my self said it verbally and body language I didn't re-enter the subject. My sponsor got me to practice "Oh well" if others thought me unkind or un-whatever but "Oh Well" came to be the period at the end of the statement "no". Try that...see how it sounds and fits with you...practice, practice, practice. When you got it down to habit for the right reason it becomes real. ((((hugs))))