dont know how to sort through all these feelings. After 26 years he wants a divorce. Im insulted mad in disbelief hurt sad. It has been a long windy difficult road so i also feel relief and hope. Part of me wants to just say yes lets just divorce and the other part says to not give up. I told myself that if he ever wanted to leave i would agree but i guess i thought he would be honest about why he wants it instead of a genetic you are not happy its better we part ways.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 23, 2018
Hi stillgoing
Is he open to counseling? Maybe if he hears that you want to be happy with him, he'll agree.
Or is there an underlying issue? Does he want to continue to drink?
I hope whatever the outcome is, that you take care of you.
You mentioned you wondered if you detaching was the reason for him asking for the divorce. I know one of the (many) reasons my relationship did not work out is because of my own detachment. I started not to care about what he did, and who he did it with. I know everyone's "detachment" is different. That's just my case.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Monday 23rd of July 2018 08:35:39 PM
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Monday 23rd of July 2018 08:38:36 PM
Bo said
Jul 23, 2018
stillgoing wrote:
dont know how to sort through all these feelings. After 26 years he wants a divorce. Im insulted mad in disbelief hurt sad. It has been a long windy difficult road so i also feel relief and hope. Part of me wants to just say yes lets just divorce and the other part says to not give up. I told myself that if he ever wanted to leave i would agree but i guess i thought he would be honest about why he wants it instead of a genetic you are not happy its better we part ways.
He is blaming you. You are taking on that blame. Think about it. More importantly, focus on YOU...not him, him blaming you, his deflection, his using guilt, and so on.
Go to face to face meetings, as many as you can, and as often as you can. Find a sponsor...and start working with him/her. Hang in there. More to follow, but for now, keep the focus on you. Goodnight.
JerryF said
Jul 24, 2018
He and you might not be sure of what is going on and your minds have made up stories and emotions. That is what I went thru and have worked with many others who have gone thru the same ...we don't know for sure and we need help knowing. Maybe a period of time in discovery sitting with a good marriage counselor asking the questions and looking at the answers. For me it was better ending it on mutual informed consent than not. If alcoholism is involved go check out a face to face Al-Anon Family group meeting and attend if you are not now doing that. Get the literature that is available to use and read. It is so easy to just quit rather than to work at it. Keep coming back and let us know how things come out (((((hugs)))))
Tude said
Jul 24, 2018
(((stillgoing))) what everyone shared here is what I would have shared. Keep the focus on you and really press in to Alanon meetings. There's one online here if you can't get to a face to face meeting.
Lyne said
Jul 24, 2018
Welcome stillgoing-I can understand your plethora of emotions and not knowing which way to turn. I can say that Alanon has helped me, and still is, sort out my own mess. The suggestion of counseling is good whether or not he goes with you. Currently my A and I see an addiction counselor together. But the message you will get from all of us is to take care of, and focus, on you. I have learned a valuable lesson from the tools of Alanon -if I focus on others, I stay frustrated and and stuck. If I focus on me, I can improve and feel better, Lyne
Bo said
Jul 24, 2018
I remember once, I had been struggling, day to day, having a very difficult time. Something triggered me -- I bumped into my ex-gf, very long term relationship, very rough, emotional break up. Just seeing her, physically, was a major trigger. It's just who I am, I am wired that way.
Anyway, I bump into her. I see her, actually see her, hear her voice. I was on my way to my car, I got in the car and called my sponsor. "I saw her!" I told him. He asked me what I felt. I told him I didn't know, I was feeling so many things -- sadness, missing her, anger, resentment, frustration, confidence, and so much more.
My sponsor said...IT IS OK TO BE FEELING MANY THINGS. IT IS OK TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. IT IS OK TO NOT BE ABLE TO SORT OUT YOUR FEELINGS. IT IS OK TO BE CONFUSED. He said it was OK to feel one or all of those things. He said it was OK to feel many emotions, so many emotions, extreme emotions, etc. He said it was OK, it was normal. Then, he said...JUST FOR TODAY...JUST FOR THIS MOMENT. Little by slowly, the emotions started working themselves out...and when that happened, the most important part was that I got together with my sponsor and we handled it!
Acceptance. Apply step one. Powerless. Surrender. Then let it go. It works if you work it!!!
Hi stillgoing
Is he open to counseling? Maybe if he hears that you want to be happy with him, he'll agree.
Or is there an underlying issue? Does he want to continue to drink?
I hope whatever the outcome is, that you take care of you.
You mentioned you wondered if you detaching was the reason for him asking for the divorce. I know one of the (many) reasons my relationship did not work out is because of my own detachment. I started not to care about what he did, and who he did it with. I know everyone's "detachment" is different. That's just my case.
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Monday 23rd of July 2018 08:35:39 PM
-- Edited by starcatcher2 on Monday 23rd of July 2018 08:38:36 PM
He is blaming you. You are taking on that blame. Think about it. More importantly, focus on YOU...not him, him blaming you, his deflection, his using guilt, and so on.
Go to face to face meetings, as many as you can, and as often as you can. Find a sponsor...and start working with him/her. Hang in there. More to follow, but for now, keep the focus on you. Goodnight.
He and you might not be sure of what is going on and your minds have made up stories and emotions. That is what I went thru and have worked with many others who have gone thru the same ...we don't know for sure and we need help knowing. Maybe a period of time in discovery sitting with a good marriage counselor asking the questions and looking at the answers. For me it was better ending it on mutual informed consent than not. If alcoholism is involved go check out a face to face Al-Anon Family group meeting and attend if you are not now doing that. Get the literature that is available to use and read. It is so easy to just quit rather than to work at it. Keep coming back and let us know how things come out (((((hugs)))))
Anyway, I bump into her. I see her, actually see her, hear her voice. I was on my way to my car, I got in the car and called my sponsor. "I saw her!" I told him. He asked me what I felt. I told him I didn't know, I was feeling so many things -- sadness, missing her, anger, resentment, frustration, confidence, and so much more.
My sponsor said...IT IS OK TO BE FEELING MANY THINGS. IT IS OK TO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING. IT IS OK TO NOT BE ABLE TO SORT OUT YOUR FEELINGS. IT IS OK TO BE CONFUSED. He said it was OK to feel one or all of those things. He said it was OK to feel many emotions, so many emotions, extreme emotions, etc. He said it was OK, it was normal. Then, he said...JUST FOR TODAY...JUST FOR THIS MOMENT. Little by slowly, the emotions started working themselves out...and when that happened, the most important part was that I got together with my sponsor and we handled it!
Acceptance. Apply step one. Powerless. Surrender. Then let it go. It works if you work it!!!