It seems to me from my own experience and reading these posts, meetings, etc. that most of us spend so much time focused on the alcoholic or the isms in our lives that we are at a loss as to what to do when those things are no longer working for us. When we stop trying to control everyone and everything in our lives what do we do? What do we fill our lives with? just wondering. I have been surrounded by alcoholism my whole life.
JerryF said
Jul 20, 2018
(((((Ginny c))))) I learned that the program and my expectations were about progress and not perfection. I know what you are saying...you found my inventory and then here I am 40 years later still in recovery for me. That said you can also know then that I have been in the disease all my life also and not in the same way. Sitting here listening and learning just like you my life has changed tremendously and alcoholics and addicts still continue to drink and use, get crazy and die. I am glad you showed up with this share ...cousin... another days with more and better tools. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Jul 20, 2018
Ginny - for me, I focus on myself, my recovery, my program and my joy. I fill my time (retired) with people and things I enjoy and that includes: cooking, reading, golf, softball, exercise, running, home improvement projects, resumes for needy people and friends, prayer, meditation and music.
That's what rattled in my brain to answer your question. I no longer wish to try and control people, places and things beyond me as it has never served me well or made me happy.
Hope this helps!
Bo said
Jul 20, 2018
ginnyc wrote:
It seems to me from my own experience and reading these posts, meetings, etc. that most of us spend so much time focused on the alcoholic or the isms in our lives that we are at a loss as to what to do when those things are no longer working for us. When we stop trying to control everyone and everything in our lives what do we do? What do we fill our lives with? just wondering. I have been surrounded by alcoholism my whole life.
What do we do when we give up trying to control the alcoholic, trying to get them to quit, and focusing on the alcoholic?
We get a life. We get our lives back. We start living again. We start our own recovery. We start getting better. We start enjoying the freedom, the time, and the ability to live again. We start to focus on ourselves and work our program. We keep learning, and growing, and getting better. We feel better. We appreciate and enjoy life again. We start to appreciate and enjoy the little things, and the big things. We become free from our obsession. We learn that our lives can be OK, and that we can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We learn that we can have a good day, even though the alcoholic is having a bad day. We learn that we don't have to get sucked into the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc that the alcoholic creates due to their drinking. We appreciate and are grateful for being healthy, and from having peace and serenity in our lives. We begin to do the things we used to enjoy and have fun. We live.
serenity47 said
Jul 20, 2018
We can begin to live again, instead of exist. I have rediscovered my passion for reading, gardening, yoga, hiking and travelling. With or without my hovering, control etc the alcoholic is going to either drink or they they are going to recover. Its up to them. I know what feels better for me and that's keeping my nose in my own business. My role is to love my AD and release her to her own life lessons as I am having my own life lessons.
Good question, thanks for bringing it up. I found out that I had a lot of time on my hands when I gave up full time manager position of my daughters addiction. The pay sucked and there was no benefits anyways lol.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 20th of July 2018 03:22:35 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 20th of July 2018 03:23:02 PM
SerenityRUS said
Jul 20, 2018
"We can begin to live again, instead of exist."
This spoke volumes to me.
What I found is that I could tell you every detail about my XAH, my kids and so on .. however if you asked me what did I like to do .. what was my favorite color .. what was my favorite food .. when was the last time I went out and had fun as in LAUGH and had actual fun .. I would stutter and draw a blank.
What recovery offered me was a way to feel my feelings as someone brilliantly stated earlier .. sit with my own feelings and be ok with that .. and it offered me a new way to cope with similar situations in my life because my old coping skills no longer worked.
I stopped existing and I started living and I can't begin to tell you what a relief that has been .. it means I can tell you what my favorite food/s are as it depends on the day of the week .. lol .. and I can tell you what I like to do (although I still struggle) .. I can also tell you the last time I laughed so hard I hurt and cried because I was laughing so hard. I still struggle with old coping skills however I am aware enough now to say ok .. I have a choice to do something different.
Big hugs .. it gets better and you are right .. focusing on YOU and what YOU want instead of obsessing and it was an obsession for me about what the A is or isn't doing .. if my pays money I don't care .. LOL .. when he affects me financially I tend to bring my crazy out.
S :)
Freetime said
Jul 20, 2018
Ginny, what I great question! What next? How to focus on ourselves when we don't have much experience doing that? And what is self-care, anyway?
As others have shared, I found many activities that are fulfilling and healthy. Exercise, cooking healthy foods for myself, volunteering, fixing up the house.
I read a quote somewhere, "When we are of service to others, the life we save may be our own." The key to this, for me, is to make sure I am not trying to be of service to someone who does not want it or where it is not really of benefit (like doing something for someone that they can really do themselves). And especially not trying to fix someone so I will feel better. Service to my Al-Anon meetings has been great for this. People in the program really do have a desire to improve themselves.
Maybe some insight could come from writing an asset list, as part of Step 4, and noticing the assets we have to offer. For me this phase of life has been a tremendous opportunity for fulfillment.
a4l said
Jul 21, 2018
Got me thinking....has ever there been a time in my life without an addict in it in some way, shape or form? Yikes.
I like all the shares on focusing on self, on living an not existing. I am a patchwork quilt; sometimes there are moments of this mental freedom but, I can not in all honesty say that there is a consistent life of not being in some way more affected than I would like to be.
Thanks for this opportune moment to reflect. I would like to live more and I know what I need to do. Again!
Sending comfort your way Ginny C. It is not easy.
Tude said
Jul 21, 2018
Ginny, I remember wondering this at the beginning of this year. Newly back to alanon after far too many years away. For myself it has been a great journey. One of learning once again, who I am, what I am capable of and being able to do it in love vs anger and fear.
So glad you are here:)
ginnyc said
Jul 21, 2018
thanks for your replies. I was a little negative and a wee overwhelmed when I wrote that! I had just returned from a meeting and the discussion was about resentment and change. My feelings were ' how do you change a life time of habits?'
hotrod said
Jul 21, 2018
Hi Gin I found that I changed a lifetime of "negative habits" by attending alanon meetings, using he slogans and the Steps to recover.. I am so grateful that I did
ginnyc said
Jul 21, 2018
Yes Betty I also heard that it is process and it won't happen quickly. I am so grateful to have this wonderful program, the meetings, readings and message boards.
Aloha said
Jul 21, 2018
The blessing of this program is it gives you the tools you need when changes come around in your life - be they from outside circumstances, or inward changes that you're going through as you progress in your growth.
I hear it as a common thread when discussing step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings... that a lot of people go through fear... without my character defects, who am I going to be?
The beauty of this program is that through working all the previous steps, I can say for myself that I've developed a trusting relationship with a Higher Power, which I get to fall back on again and again when I'm trying to fuddle my way through new (and hopefully healthier) behaviors. I have all the tools of the Al-Anon program at my disposal for when I feel scared or lost or confused... I can get to meetings. I can read the literature. I can call my sponsor or another Al-Anon member to reason things out with someone else. And most importantly I can pray and know my HP's going to give me the guidance I require.
Remember this is all progress, not perfection. We're all humans. We all stumble and make mistakes. But the beautiful part of it is we get to pick ourselves up and learn from them and make better decisions for ourselves the next time. God gives us infinite opportunities to "do it different" if we didn't like the previous outcome.
It seems to me from my own experience and reading these posts, meetings, etc. that most of us spend so much time focused on the alcoholic or the isms in our lives that we are at a loss as to what to do when those things are no longer working for us. When we stop trying to control everyone and everything in our lives what do we do? What do we fill our lives with? just wondering. I have been surrounded by alcoholism my whole life.
(((((Ginny c))))) I learned that the program and my expectations were about progress and not perfection. I know what you are saying...you found my inventory and then here I am 40 years later still in recovery for me. That said you can also know then that I have been in the disease all my life also and not in the same way. Sitting here listening and learning just like you my life has changed tremendously and alcoholics and addicts still continue to drink and use, get crazy and die. I am glad you showed up with this share ...cousin... another days with more and better tools. (((hugs)))
That's what rattled in my brain to answer your question. I no longer wish to try and control people, places and things beyond me as it has never served me well or made me happy.
Hope this helps!
What do we do when we give up trying to control the alcoholic, trying to get them to quit, and focusing on the alcoholic?
We get a life. We get our lives back. We start living again. We start our own recovery. We start getting better. We start enjoying the freedom, the time, and the ability to live again. We start to focus on ourselves and work our program. We keep learning, and growing, and getting better. We feel better. We appreciate and enjoy life again. We start to appreciate and enjoy the little things, and the big things. We become free from our obsession. We learn that our lives can be OK, and that we can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. We learn that we can have a good day, even though the alcoholic is having a bad day. We learn that we don't have to get sucked into the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc that the alcoholic creates due to their drinking. We appreciate and are grateful for being healthy, and from having peace and serenity in our lives. We begin to do the things we used to enjoy and have fun. We live.
We can begin to live again, instead of exist. I have rediscovered my passion for reading, gardening, yoga, hiking and travelling. With or without my hovering, control etc the alcoholic is going to either drink or they they are going to recover. Its up to them. I know what feels better for me and that's keeping my nose in my own business. My role is to love my AD and release her to her own life lessons as I am having my own life lessons.
Good question, thanks for bringing it up. I found out that I had a lot of time on my hands when I gave up full time manager position of my daughters addiction. The pay sucked and there was no benefits anyways lol.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 20th of July 2018 03:22:35 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 20th of July 2018 03:23:02 PM
This spoke volumes to me.
What I found is that I could tell you every detail about my XAH, my kids and so on .. however if you asked me what did I like to do .. what was my favorite color .. what was my favorite food .. when was the last time I went out and had fun as in LAUGH and had actual fun .. I would stutter and draw a blank.
What recovery offered me was a way to feel my feelings as someone brilliantly stated earlier .. sit with my own feelings and be ok with that .. and it offered me a new way to cope with similar situations in my life because my old coping skills no longer worked.
I stopped existing and I started living and I can't begin to tell you what a relief that has been .. it means I can tell you what my favorite food/s are as it depends on the day of the week .. lol .. and I can tell you what I like to do (although I still struggle) .. I can also tell you the last time I laughed so hard I hurt and cried because I was laughing so hard. I still struggle with old coping skills however I am aware enough now to say ok .. I have a choice to do something different.
Big hugs .. it gets better and you are right .. focusing on YOU and what YOU want instead of obsessing and it was an obsession for me about what the A is or isn't doing .. if my pays money I don't care .. LOL .. when he affects me financially I tend to bring my crazy out.
S :)
As others have shared, I found many activities that are fulfilling and healthy. Exercise, cooking healthy foods for myself, volunteering, fixing up the house.
I read a quote somewhere, "When we are of service to others, the life we save may be our own." The key to this, for me, is to make sure I am not trying to be of service to someone who does not want it or where it is not really of benefit (like doing something for someone that they can really do themselves). And especially not trying to fix someone so I will feel better. Service to my Al-Anon meetings has been great for this. People in the program really do have a desire to improve themselves.
Maybe some insight could come from writing an asset list, as part of Step 4, and noticing the assets we have to offer. For me this phase of life has been a tremendous opportunity for fulfillment.
Got me thinking....has ever there been a time in my life without an addict in it in some way, shape or form? Yikes.
I like all the shares on focusing on self, on living an not existing. I am a patchwork quilt; sometimes there are moments of this mental freedom but, I can not in all honesty say that there is a consistent life of not being in some way more affected than I would like to be.
Thanks for this opportune moment to reflect. I would like to live more and I know what I need to do. Again!
Sending comfort your way Ginny C. It is not easy.
So glad you are here:)
I hear it as a common thread when discussing step 7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings... that a lot of people go through fear... without my character defects, who am I going to be?
The beauty of this program is that through working all the previous steps, I can say for myself that I've developed a trusting relationship with a Higher Power, which I get to fall back on again and again when I'm trying to fuddle my way through new (and hopefully healthier) behaviors. I have all the tools of the Al-Anon program at my disposal for when I feel scared or lost or confused... I can get to meetings. I can read the literature. I can call my sponsor or another Al-Anon member to reason things out with someone else. And most importantly I can pray and know my HP's going to give me the guidance I require.
Remember this is all progress, not perfection. We're all humans. We all stumble and make mistakes. But the beautiful part of it is we get to pick ourselves up and learn from them and make better decisions for ourselves the next time. God gives us infinite opportunities to "do it different" if we didn't like the previous outcome.