Baby steps/being ok even whn others are not/progress
serenity47 said
Jul 17, 2018
I think it is going on three to four years since I joined this forum. I remember clearly the big deep dark hole I was in when I crawled in here desperate to save my daughter. Its been a rough ride and things are far from perfect. However, what I have noticed is the changes in me. I no longer over react and respond to every crisis call like I did. I no longer try to manage her life. I no longer catastrophize about the worst possible scenario (ok sometimes but rarely lol). I have been blessed with a general sense of calmness in the face of adversity. I do not know what the future holds for my daughter. She has been in and out of an abusive relationship and has had a couple of relapses. However there is more good then bad. Our relationship remains intact. I know that whatever happens I will get through it with the support of my program. I never really thought I could let it go and get on with my life. Slowly but surely that is what is happening and I am grateful.
Iamhere said
Jul 17, 2018
Great share serenity and so glad you are growing and changing in Al-Anon. I can so relate to much of your experience and when things get a bit insane, my sponsor keeps reminding me that God doesn't have grandchildren. I do believe that hardest experience of my life is to see those I gave birth to in so much pain and detaching with love. It doesn't always feel right at the time but I do know that when I do what's suggested in recovery, the outcomes are markedly better than how it all used to be/unfold.
Keep doing you - looks great on you! Grateful you are part of my journey!
hotrod said
Jul 17, 2018
((Serenity)) what a positive update!!! Thank you . I too can validate the fact that thanks to program tools i no longer "REACT' to incidents but have learned to "RESPOND" in a healthy manner. Thanks to MIP and alanon tools.
Thanks for sharing the journey
hotrod said
Jul 17, 2018
Hello Amy welcome dealing with the dreadful disease of alcoholism. most of us have abandoned our own selves in an effort to save others. Since we are powerless over others,we learn to reach out for help for ourselves.
This help can be found here on the message board, in the chat room and in face to face meetings held in most communities. Check the white pages for listings and do keep coming back here- there is help and hope
serenity47 said
Jul 17, 2018
Welcome to the forum Amy, glad that you found us. Here you will find many of us in similar circumstances and we all share our experience, strength and hope. Not going to lie, watching my daughter self destruct in front of my eyes was completely horrifying. Throughout it all I have sustained my hope even on the worst of days. The best thing I ever did for myself was find my courage and walk into a 12 step meeting and come here. I desperately needed support, most of us cant cope with this alone. I still struggle many days when the insanity of addiction strikes, but now I have some tools to help me cope. It is a daily work in progress and did not improve overnight. I came , I read everything I could get my hands on, I listened and I learned that its ok to ask for help for myself. We are here for you. Hugs.
Tude said
Jul 20, 2018
(((Amy))) I'm so glad you found MIP. I can't say enough about how alanon has helped me get rid of so many fears and live life daily. Maybe it's do life daily on certain days. I've only been back in alanon about 7 months and the difference it's made in my life is astounding. This is an amazing group. I do hope you can find a face to face meeting also. One that fits for you. For myself, I am not close to any groups and this is my "home." One of these days I'm going to post a before and after alanon on myself. I'm always and will forever be learning and growing but as I sit here pondering all shared here and what Serenity said........yep, I'm astounded. I hope you keep coming back.
Hugs
Bo said
Jul 20, 2018
serenity47 wrote:
I think it is going on three to four years since I joined this forum. I remember clearly the big deep dark hole I was in when I crawled in here desperate to save my daughter. Its been a rough ride and things are far from perfect. However, what I have noticed is the changes in me. I no longer over react and respond to every crisis call like I did. I no longer try to manage her life. I no longer catastrophize about the worst possible scenario (ok sometimes but rarely lol). I have been blessed with a general sense of calmness in the face of adversity. I do not know what the future holds for my daughter. She has been in and out of an abusive relationship and has had a couple of relapses. However there is more good then bad. Our relationship remains intact. I know that whatever happens I will get through it with the support of my program. I never really thought I could let it go and get on with my life. Slowly but surely that is what is happening and I am grateful.
That's really great, and thank you for sharing. For me, it was a bit scary, but at the same time freeing -- just knowing my feelings, mindset, attitude, etc., could be and SHOULD be independent of and not tied to the alcoholic/addict. I realized that I could be OK, even though the alcoholic/addict might not be. I realized I could have a good day, go to a friend's house, go to a meeting, enjoy a good day, and the alcoholic/addict might not be having a good day. I realized was getting better, and the alcoholic was not. Once I felt these things, my recovery accelerated. I had more time, more freedom, more healthiness.
Letting go, was so important. Detaching, both physically at time, and more important, emotionally, was key for me. I always felt I had a choice as to what I focused on. I didn't have to focus on the alcoholic/addict -- whether it be my wife, my daughter, whoever. Sometimes, detaching with love, is just detaching. The love doesn't go away, but detaching becomes the focal point. When my wife was drinking and destroying herself -- I detached, both physically and emotionally -- but detaching had to be key as it was more me. Even if I wasn't "feeling love" at the moment didn't mean I didn't love her. And, detaching didn't mean I was punishing her. It wasn't punitive of course. If she felt that, I could understand and be compassionate, but I still had to do what was healthy for me. In my experience, many times, we do what "we think" alanon or the material may reference, offer as a possibility, etc. I hear people misinterpret detachment, and they think it means something else, ignoring for example. Regardless, this is a perfect role for a sponsor! Someone who knows my story, knows me, the details, the nuances, intricacies, etc. Most important -- objectivity!!!
OK, so that said thank you so much for the post! Great job and a real inspiration for others!!! Thank you!!!
I think it is going on three to four years since I joined this forum. I remember clearly the big deep dark hole I was in when I crawled in here desperate to save my daughter. Its been a rough ride and things are far from perfect. However, what I have noticed is the changes in me. I no longer over react and respond to every crisis call like I did. I no longer try to manage her life. I no longer catastrophize about the worst possible scenario (ok sometimes but rarely lol). I have been blessed with a general sense of calmness in the face of adversity. I do not know what the future holds for my daughter. She has been in and out of an abusive relationship and has had a couple of relapses. However there is more good then bad. Our relationship remains intact. I know that whatever happens I will get through it with the support of my program. I never really thought I could let it go and get on with my life. Slowly but surely that is what is happening and I am grateful.
Keep doing you - looks great on you! Grateful you are part of my journey!
Thanks for sharing the journey
Hello Amy welcome dealing with the dreadful disease of alcoholism. most of us have abandoned our own selves in an effort to save others. Since we are powerless over others,we learn to reach out for help for ourselves.
This help can be found here on the message board, in the chat room and in face to face meetings held in most communities. Check the white pages for listings and do keep coming back here- there is help and hope
Hugs
That's really great, and thank you for sharing. For me, it was a bit scary, but at the same time freeing -- just knowing my feelings, mindset, attitude, etc., could be and SHOULD be independent of and not tied to the alcoholic/addict. I realized that I could be OK, even though the alcoholic/addict might not be. I realized I could have a good day, go to a friend's house, go to a meeting, enjoy a good day, and the alcoholic/addict might not be having a good day. I realized was getting better, and the alcoholic was not. Once I felt these things, my recovery accelerated. I had more time, more freedom, more healthiness.
Letting go, was so important. Detaching, both physically at time, and more important, emotionally, was key for me. I always felt I had a choice as to what I focused on. I didn't have to focus on the alcoholic/addict -- whether it be my wife, my daughter, whoever. Sometimes, detaching with love, is just detaching. The love doesn't go away, but detaching becomes the focal point. When my wife was drinking and destroying herself -- I detached, both physically and emotionally -- but detaching had to be key as it was more me. Even if I wasn't "feeling love" at the moment didn't mean I didn't love her. And, detaching didn't mean I was punishing her. It wasn't punitive of course. If she felt that, I could understand and be compassionate, but I still had to do what was healthy for me. In my experience, many times, we do what "we think" alanon or the material may reference, offer as a possibility, etc. I hear people misinterpret detachment, and they think it means something else, ignoring for example. Regardless, this is a perfect role for a sponsor! Someone who knows my story, knows me, the details, the nuances, intricacies, etc. Most important -- objectivity!!!
OK, so that said thank you so much for the post! Great job and a real inspiration for others!!! Thank you!!!