I was with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and have been trying to break up with him for around a year of that time.
Before Christmas last year I made it very clear that I would not be seeing him again and that this would not change. Previously during our 'breakups', he would promise to be reliable, then would become verbally abusive, manipulative, threaten suicide and then switch to very kind and caring- whatever took his fancy at that particular moment in time.
Since Christmas, if I don't respond to his text messages or phone calls in a prompt manner (which I never do now) he becomes insistent and can call 6 or 7 times over the space of 10 minutes (or more) , send nice texts, send abusive texts, you tube songs, create different email address to contact me through (???) threatens to come over to my house, threatens to post his side of the story on the internet, send it to my family and people I work with, tells me that I've behaved badly and am ungrateful. He just refuses to break up and it seems that there is nothing that I can do to convince him.
He is a man who has been drinking in an unhealthy capacity for over 20 years. I first realized there was a problem at around 3 months into the relationship when he was drinking in the morning and always smelled of alcohol. He says that he has stopped drinking for the past year (well, says he's stopped drinking in front of me). It would appear to me that his rants by text indicate that he is still drinking. I am starting to despise him.
He also takes significant amounts of prescription drugs including morphine for a bad back. He is a man in a well-paid job but who never seems to have any money, he cannot arrive anywhere on time, he becomes verbally abusive if alcoholism is mentioned and denies any propensity to addiction. I am now aware that he's had problems with cocaine addiction in the past.
I'm sure that you've all heard this same story a hundred times but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance:)
hotrod said
Jul 16, 2018
Hello Alis welcome Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless This disease, unlike others infects the entire family so much so that a recovery program, for families has been founded.
Alanon is that worldwide program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages.
Alanon offered me new constructive tools o live by and a supportive network of like minded others to connect with. Please do check out the meetings and keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
Lyne said
Jul 16, 2018
Greetings alis-I had one boyfriend that it took a number of tries to break up with. He simply wouldn't hear it, or accept it, or his alcohol and pot use kept him so removed he just lived in denial. The help I have gotten over the last 5 years from Alanon is a blessing and a life-changer. I have had a repetitive action of choosing addicted partners. I'm in my second marriage with an alcoholic, currently a dry drunk at the present time. If you desire some healthy change for yourself, I encourage you to try our program. Best, Lyne
Freetime said
Jul 16, 2018
Welcome, Alis. I too am glad you have found us, and so sorry you are experiencing this harrassment. It must be very stressful.
One thing I realized as I came to learn more about addiction was that the addicted person's brain has been changed and does not function normally. It's like a car with a part that's become damaged. I shouldn't take it personally, but I can't expect this car to drive normally. And I do need to keep myself safe.
I wonder, what actions you can take to protect yourself? Would it take getting a different phone and changing all your email addresses, phone numbers, and accounts? Is it a matter for the police? While I haven't been in your exact situation, other Al-Anon members might have good experience to share. Please do find a face-to-face meeting, and keep coming back here. You are not alone.
Bo said
Jul 16, 2018
alis wrote:
HI
I was with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and have been trying to break up with him for around a year of that time.
Before Christmas last year I made it very clear that I would not be seeing him again and that this would not change. Previously during our 'breakups', he would promise to be reliable, then would become verbally abusive, manipulative, threaten suicide and then switch to very kind and caring- whatever took his fancy at that particular moment in time.
Since Christmas, if I don't respond to his text messages or phone calls in a prompt manner (which I never do now) he becomes insistent and can call 6 or 7 times over the space of 10 minutes (or more) , send nice texts, send abusive texts, you tube songs, create different email address to contact me through (???) threatens to come over to my house, threatens to post his side of the story on the internet, send it to my family and people I work with, tells me that I've behaved badly and am ungrateful. He just refuses to break up and it seems that there is nothing that I can do to convince him.
He is a man who has been drinking in an unhealthy capacity for over 20 years. I first realized there was a problem at around 3 months into the relationship when he was drinking in the morning and always smelled of alcohol. He says that he has stopped drinking for the past year (well, says he's stopped drinking in front of me). It would appear to me that his rants by text indicate that he is still drinking. I am starting to despise him.
He also takes significant amounts of prescription drugs including morphine for a bad back. He is a man in a well-paid job but who never seems to have any money, he cannot arrive anywhere on time, he becomes verbally abusive if alcoholism is mentioned and denies any propensity to addiction. I am now aware that he's had problems with cocaine addiction in the past.
I'm sure that you've all heard this same story a hundred times but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance:)
alis, welcome...I am sorry you are facing this, and please don't mistake my bluntness for a lack of compassion or feeling. That said, what is going on here is harassment. Plain and simple. I am not being generic -- I am speaking criminally and legally. This is harassment. And you should not underestimate it, him, or trivialize this at all. This is possibly, depending on your state, also terroristic threats. You should block his phone number. That will relegate him to using other people's phones and just email. You should also notify the police. This may sound like an extreme step, but it is not. He is threatening you! And he is harassing you! Period.
As far as the rest, detach from all of this. Don't think about him any longer -- drugs, alcohol, back, work, etc. Forget him and move on with your life. Don't let him live in your head. Focus on YOU. Go to meetings, if you are; do your readings, speak with people from the meetings, healthy people, and keep learning how to live your life in a healthy way.
All the best.
Iamhere said
Jul 16, 2018
Welcome to MIP Alis - glad you found us and glad that you joined in and shared. Dealing with an alcoholic or a problem drinker is too much for most of us. It's a disease, cunning, baffling and powerful. There is no cure but there is recovery IF and WHEN one hits bottom - defined differently for each person. If one wants recovery, they seek help through AA or another program. Al-Anon is for friends and family who have been affected by the drinking in a family member or friend.
We share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other and don't offer advice. We allow each person to work recovery at their own pace without judgement and support each other no matter where in the journey. I also encourage you to seek out local meetings, if available/possible and see if it's for you. I did and tried everything possible to deal with the disease and the diseased prior to finding Al-Anon, and had no success. In Al-Anon, I have found my voice, my peace, serenity and my joy again and it's a priceless experience and gift.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone!
alis said
Jul 16, 2018
Hi Everyone
Thanks for getting back to me on this and Bo bluntness is great with me!
It is harassment and I've requested a number of times that he ceases or I will take legal steps - it makes no difference at all - it's as if he's right and that's the end of the discussion.
I've blocked my phone and email but can't change my work email. He also creates new email addresses and contacts me that way. I find it very peculiar that he can behave in this way just because I no longer want to be with him - he's taken it as a huge insult and also if I mention that the start of the trouble was his drinking and compete unreliability he threatens to write to everyone he knows to tell them that I am besmirching his name. There is a massive ego issue here mixed up with denial. I can't control who he writes to and/or what he posts online but I have told him that he is walking a legal, fine-line with his threats.
'Freetime' - I liked your analogy re. the car. It makes sense. For some time, I was trying to understand his thinking but gave up doing so, a while ago, as neither do his thought patterns compute and nor is his behavior in any way, shape or form, normal. He's a typical, charming sort of a man who becomes less charming and decreasingly attractive as events unfold.
So ultimately, your advice is 'move on' - this is very easy advice to follow as I have no emotional connection to him, anymore. He has pushed the boundaries of decency to the extreme and has no concept or interest in anything other than his ego and addictions remaining intact. I no longer feel sorry for him or think that perhaps he has issues that he could 'work on' - I can't fix it and nor do I want to.
Of course, the emails and rants 'get' to me at times when I wake up in the morning and there's a string of mainly, unpleasant communications from him - it's not a great start to the day but it's also not the end of the day. I shall try and ignore all of it and just wait for it to end - which it will, no doubt when he finds someone else.
Thank you, everyone. It's very much appreciated.
Iamhere said
Jul 16, 2018
Just a quick thought - most email clients (programs) allow auto-delete or spam filtering....that's one choice as well as just deleting without reading and/or responding. My own personal experience is when someone knows how to push my buttons, the 'game is less fun' when I no longer respond or react.
Good luck!
alis said
Jul 16, 2018
Hi I am here.
Yes, I've done all of that with my email address etc and so it does all sit in spam which makes it very easy not to look at and it automatically deletes after a few days.
The difficulty is that he keeps creating new email addresses for himself which get through. You're quite right about not responding and I've probably replied to 1 in 50 of his communications. Sometimes it's difficult not to respond and I know that responding draws you in and is a pointless exercise which feeds it.
Again, you're right, it is a game and I was trying to work out the rules but it seems that there are none.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 16, 2018
Hugs alis,
My experience with my XAH taught me that the rules don't apply to them or at least they didn't to him. It wasn't until I put down a hard line boundary and stuck to it that it made a difference.
My XAH believed what I did not what I said .. me on the other hand believed what he said not what he did. I learned to focus on his actions and not on his words and take my own power back in terms of what that meant to me.
I echo others on going to alanon and finding some relief and healing .. you are not alone and I think that's the part that I continue to go back to in all of the craziness the feelings I had were similar to others even if the experiences were a tad different.
Hugs S
Iamhere said
Jul 16, 2018
Another potential idea - even if he's creating new email addresses, most likely he's using the same computer/provider. It is possible to block an IP address from an email server - this would require some support from your IT department, which in turn might require you to explain the harassment at work - not sure how you feel about that.
I do agree with Serenity and the 'hard boundary'. I made it perfectly clear to my qualifiers what I considered unacceptable and how I would handle it (calling the police). They tested me greatly and I did follow through and I am still not very popular for my decisions and boundaries. Yet, I knew if I did not take care of me and isolate myself from the insanity, I would be the one locked up!!
So - I stopped making threats when I was emotionally charged, and considered facts and the desired outcome for myself, and then worked backwards to create boundaries (using a sponsor in Al-Anon recovery). I then worked to enforce them and be consistent in my actions/words. It got worse before it got better yet in time, as I grew stronger and saner in recovery, it did get better.
It is an unfortunate game or dance and we never can understand the rules because they change to suit the disease/diseased. All of this is part of the insanity of the disease and while we see it for what it is, it's seen differently in their eyes. Keep coming back!
milkwood said
Jul 17, 2018
Hello Alis,
I agree with others, this is harassment and it is illegal. I have a girlfriend who went through a similar experience and eventually she called the police. They visited her ex and, in her case, that was enough to stop the harassment. I think that from what you have said, it would be worth telling the authorities about it. No need to be nice.
This must be so upsetting to live with and this persistent harassment is taking up your time and, I imagine, your peace of mind. Can you ask the police to speak to him or is that a fearful idea?
Sending ((((((hugs)))))))
alis said
Jul 17, 2018
Good morning!
Yes, I am going to report him today. It can be done online and I agree that it's time to do so.
It does take up time but more so takes up energy - just reading the repetitive nonsense, unrealistic demands and threats.
It seems that he has no shame. I suppose there's the control factor - his life is out of control although he can't see it and me clearly stating that I no longer want any part of it has rocked the boat even more. What I need to do is to stop trying to work out his reasons for behaving this way - I'll never comprehend it. To be honest - I'm not spending that much time thinking about it (until I open the emails!).
SerenityRUS said
Jul 17, 2018
It's horribly draining .. I am sorry .. it's totally one of those life isn't fair moments .. people break up all the time. Some people can't accept it. It really sounds like he's at a peak ofhis insanity under the disease. If you feel threatened or your safety is at risk please do see out assistance through the domestic violence folks as well. Many hugs to you. S :)
HI
I was with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and have been trying to break up with him for around a year of that time.
Before Christmas last year I made it very clear that I would not be seeing him again and that this would not change. Previously during our 'breakups', he would promise to be reliable, then would become verbally abusive, manipulative, threaten suicide and then switch to very kind and caring- whatever took his fancy at that particular moment in time.
Since Christmas, if I don't respond to his text messages or phone calls in a prompt manner (which I never do now) he becomes insistent and can call 6 or 7 times over the space of 10 minutes (or more) , send nice texts, send abusive texts, you tube songs, create different email address to contact me through (???) threatens to come over to my house, threatens to post his side of the story on the internet, send it to my family and people I work with, tells me that I've behaved badly and am ungrateful. He just refuses to break up and it seems that there is nothing that I can do to convince him.
He is a man who has been drinking in an unhealthy capacity for over 20 years. I first realized there was a problem at around 3 months into the relationship when he was drinking in the morning and always smelled of alcohol. He says that he has stopped drinking for the past year (well, says he's stopped drinking in front of me). It would appear to me that his rants by text indicate that he is still drinking. I am starting to despise him.
He also takes significant amounts of prescription drugs including morphine for a bad back. He is a man in a well-paid job but who never seems to have any money, he cannot arrive anywhere on time, he becomes verbally abusive if alcoholism is mentioned and denies any propensity to addiction. I am now aware that he's had problems with cocaine addiction in the past.
I'm sure that you've all heard this same story a hundred times but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance:)
Alanon is that worldwide program. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is found in the white pages.
Alanon offered me new constructive tools o live by and a supportive network of like minded others to connect with. Please do check out the meetings and keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
One thing I realized as I came to learn more about addiction was that the addicted person's brain has been changed and does not function normally. It's like a car with a part that's become damaged. I shouldn't take it personally, but I can't expect this car to drive normally. And I do need to keep myself safe.
I wonder, what actions you can take to protect yourself? Would it take getting a different phone and changing all your email addresses, phone numbers, and accounts? Is it a matter for the police? While I haven't been in your exact situation, other Al-Anon members might have good experience to share. Please do find a face-to-face meeting, and keep coming back here. You are not alone.
alis, welcome...I am sorry you are facing this, and please don't mistake my bluntness for a lack of compassion or feeling. That said, what is going on here is harassment. Plain and simple. I am not being generic -- I am speaking criminally and legally. This is harassment. And you should not underestimate it, him, or trivialize this at all. This is possibly, depending on your state, also terroristic threats. You should block his phone number. That will relegate him to using other people's phones and just email. You should also notify the police. This may sound like an extreme step, but it is not. He is threatening you! And he is harassing you! Period.
As far as the rest, detach from all of this. Don't think about him any longer -- drugs, alcohol, back, work, etc. Forget him and move on with your life. Don't let him live in your head. Focus on YOU. Go to meetings, if you are; do your readings, speak with people from the meetings, healthy people, and keep learning how to live your life in a healthy way.
All the best.
We share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other and don't offer advice. We allow each person to work recovery at their own pace without judgement and support each other no matter where in the journey. I also encourage you to seek out local meetings, if available/possible and see if it's for you. I did and tried everything possible to deal with the disease and the diseased prior to finding Al-Anon, and had no success. In Al-Anon, I have found my voice, my peace, serenity and my joy again and it's a priceless experience and gift.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone!
Thanks for getting back to me on this and Bo bluntness is great with me!
It is harassment and I've requested a number of times that he ceases or I will take legal steps - it makes no difference at all - it's as if he's right and that's the end of the discussion.
I've blocked my phone and email but can't change my work email. He also creates new email addresses and contacts me that way. I find it very peculiar that he can behave in this way just because I no longer want to be with him - he's taken it as a huge insult and also if I mention that the start of the trouble was his drinking and compete unreliability he threatens to write to everyone he knows to tell them that I am besmirching his name. There is a massive ego issue here mixed up with denial. I can't control who he writes to and/or what he posts online but I have told him that he is walking a legal, fine-line with his threats.
'Freetime' - I liked your analogy re. the car. It makes sense. For some time, I was trying to understand his thinking but gave up doing so, a while ago, as neither do his thought patterns compute and nor is his behavior in any way, shape or form, normal. He's a typical, charming sort of a man who becomes less charming and decreasingly attractive as events unfold.
So ultimately, your advice is 'move on' - this is very easy advice to follow as I have no emotional connection to him, anymore. He has pushed the boundaries of decency to the extreme and has no concept or interest in anything other than his ego and addictions remaining intact. I no longer feel sorry for him or think that perhaps he has issues that he could 'work on' - I can't fix it and nor do I want to.
Of course, the emails and rants 'get' to me at times when I wake up in the morning and there's a string of mainly, unpleasant communications from him - it's not a great start to the day but it's also not the end of the day. I shall try and ignore all of it and just wait for it to end - which it will, no doubt when he finds someone else.
Thank you, everyone. It's very much appreciated.
Good luck!
Yes, I've done all of that with my email address etc and so it does all sit in spam which makes it very easy not to look at and it automatically deletes after a few days.
The difficulty is that he keeps creating new email addresses for himself which get through. You're quite right about not responding and I've probably replied to 1 in 50 of his communications. Sometimes it's difficult not to respond and I know that responding draws you in and is a pointless exercise which feeds it.
Again, you're right, it is a game and I was trying to work out the rules but it seems that there are none.
My experience with my XAH taught me that the rules don't apply to them or at least they didn't to him. It wasn't until I put down a hard line boundary and stuck to it that it made a difference.
My XAH believed what I did not what I said .. me on the other hand believed what he said not what he did. I learned to focus on his actions and not on his words and take my own power back in terms of what that meant to me.
I echo others on going to alanon and finding some relief and healing .. you are not alone and I think that's the part that I continue to go back to in all of the craziness the feelings I had were similar to others even if the experiences were a tad different.
Hugs S
I do agree with Serenity and the 'hard boundary'. I made it perfectly clear to my qualifiers what I considered unacceptable and how I would handle it (calling the police). They tested me greatly and I did follow through and I am still not very popular for my decisions and boundaries. Yet, I knew if I did not take care of me and isolate myself from the insanity, I would be the one locked up!!
So - I stopped making threats when I was emotionally charged, and considered facts and the desired outcome for myself, and then worked backwards to create boundaries (using a sponsor in Al-Anon recovery). I then worked to enforce them and be consistent in my actions/words. It got worse before it got better yet in time, as I grew stronger and saner in recovery, it did get better.
It is an unfortunate game or dance and we never can understand the rules because they change to suit the disease/diseased. All of this is part of the insanity of the disease and while we see it for what it is, it's seen differently in their eyes. Keep coming back!
I agree with others, this is harassment and it is illegal. I have a girlfriend who went through a similar experience and eventually she called the police. They visited her ex and, in her case, that was enough to stop the harassment. I think that from what you have said, it would be worth telling the authorities about it. No need to be nice.
This must be so upsetting to live with and this persistent harassment is taking up your time and, I imagine, your peace of mind. Can you ask the police to speak to him or is that a fearful idea?
Sending ((((((hugs)))))))
Yes, I am going to report him today. It can be done online and I agree that it's time to do so.
It does take up time but more so takes up energy - just reading the repetitive nonsense, unrealistic demands and threats.
It seems that he has no shame. I suppose there's the control factor - his life is out of control although he can't see it and me clearly stating that I no longer want any part of it has rocked the boat even more. What I need to do is to stop trying to work out his reasons for behaving this way - I'll never comprehend it. To be honest - I'm not spending that much time thinking about it (until I open the emails!).