Sorry I haven't posted here in awhile - although I do check in and attend regular f2f alanon meetings in my area.
To cut a long story short, AH left for 6 months and came back and all was Ok for awhile, but he is back on the slippery slope downwards. Things are deteriorating day by day and I am really struggling to detach from living with an active alcoholic again and the impact (again) on the family (we have 4 children). The only time I feel ok is when I am out of the house and taking care of me. But I am really struggling when I open the front door to the sight of him slouched half unconscious on the sofa in our only family room - so the children and I all escape upstairs to our various rooms and I try to do something caring and fun for me and the children, but my heart is not in it. I would really just appreciate some virtual hugs and knowing that I am not alone (which of course I know in my head I am not, but my heart is breaking). Thank you so much.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 14, 2018
(((((Bettertomorrow)))))
I am sending you hugs, support, light and love!
Because I have been there as well! I am not sure how old your 4 kids are, but I am assuming most are young. Mine was a teen, but even then, it was the progression into the "phase" of husband passed out on the living room sofa, bottle of vodka at his feet (b/c it fell from his hand) that my son was seeing on a daily basis that made me say, "detachment is fine and dandy to a point... but I gotta get the hell out of here!"
Of course, your experience will be yours alone. I just wanted you to know that I have a very similar story. Take what you want and leave the rest, as they say. If my Kiddo was younger, I would've made sure he began Al-Ateen. This program not only helped me to cope, but is saving my grace now that the divorce is almost final. It has only helped my relationship with my Kid, and I have even used it when dealing with my aging parents and in the workplace!
In other words, ramp up your F2F meetings, and remember it is your children's mental well-being you are in charge of.
Hang in there, B!!
JerryF said
Jul 14, 2018
(((((Better Tomorrow))))) Sad with you BT what a reminder on how vicious this disease is and how many victims it counts including the alcoholic. Sad for your kids. I used to be an Alateen sponsor supporting the kids who were torn up by a parents alcoholism or a friends etc. I use to and still do recommend taking them to Al-Anon meetings if you are able if for no other reason that they hear the language of recovery and get around literature and elders who will be supportive of them. Al-Anon World Service has literature for them which is valuable.
I am Sad with you also because I know the insanity of our disease and how it feels to be an unwilling victim. To watch the disease take the woman I loved and separate her from my heart and the family was maddening and the feelings of powerlessness was holistically depressing.
The ((((hugs)))) are accompanied with prayers for you, your children and your husband. I pray that recovery becomes such a desired condition for his.
Keep coming back.
Bettertomorrow said
Jul 14, 2018
Thank you PnP. I feel better already for your thoughts and hugs. Just knowing someone else understands this total craziness is worth so much. Yes my children are teens and younger and you are right, their mental wellbeing needs to be my top priority.
I have just this week got a new job, so will have some financial freedom very shortly. I think it is time to put an exit plan in place. Btw - I have followed yr journey over the last year and just wanted to say what an inspirational person you are. You have grown so much and a role model for others to learn from. xx
Bettertomorrow said
Jul 14, 2018
Thank you Jerry for your hugs, good wishes and prayers. It really means alot to me and I feel stronger just knowing there are people like you here on the board who are willing to reach across the miles and give comfort.
I too hope my husband seeks recovery, but know that is his decision to take and I hope his HP guides him. For me right now, I feel an exit plan is my right choice - even if it is temporary. I need some space and peace to rebuild my serenity for me and the children. Thank you one again .
sakina said
Jul 14, 2018
(((HUGS))) bettertomorrow I know how you feel... my husband is back to use/drinking. We haven't been through separation but it's very sad watching his relapse once again progress to active use. My AH is now attending daily meetings and his outpatient and started doing his drinking/use away from the house and our kids. Still... as I pointed out to him, the impact of addiction/alcoholism is still present and affects the kids whether they "see" it or not. Keeping boundaries in place for me, working my program, and leaning into my HP (God) for guidance is helping me today. I haven't made a choice to leave but just wanted you to know, you're definitely not alone! Please continue to take care of you!!
-- Edited by sakina on Saturday 14th of July 2018 01:13:50 PM
Iamhere said
Jul 14, 2018
(((BetterTomorrow))) - I'm sending virtual hugs to you and can also relate to your pain and struggle. I recall vividly how my car seemed to slow down as I got closer to my house. What was going on inside it was stressful, painful, insane and at times - unbelievable. It took me a while in recovery to realize my car no longer slowed as I approached the neighborhood - everything was far from perfect, but I was in a better place and was able to accept more and detach. As we say in recovery, this too shall pass. How it was is vastly different than how it is now and I've found peace in my life through Al-Anon.
So, keep reaching out, keep leaning into recovery and trust the process. Second (((Hugs))) - you are worth it!!
hotrod said
Jul 14, 2018
(((Better tomorrow)) sending positive thoughts your way
Pol said
Jul 14, 2018
*sending hugs!*
I know its tough but you know yourself to a T.
As Parents we have to look at what's best for our children because the old saying Do as I say, Not as I've done. Doesn't apply anywhere it doesn't say anything about them seeing things and that has an impact.
Sending Prayers.
Bo said
Jul 14, 2018
Bettertomorrow wrote:
Sorry I haven't posted here in awhile - although I do check in and attend regular f2f alanon meetings in my area.
To cut a long story short, AH left for 6 months and came back and all was Ok for awhile, but he is back on the slippery slope downwards. Things are deteriorating day by day and I am really struggling to detach from living with an active alcoholic again and the impact (again) on the family (we have 4 children). The only time I feel ok is when I am out of the house and taking care of me. But I am really struggling when I open the front door to the sight of him slouched half unconscious on the sofa in our only family room - so the children and I all escape upstairs to our various rooms and I try to do something caring and fun for me and the children, but my heart is not in it. I would really just appreciate some virtual hugs and knowing that I am not alone (which of course I know in my head I am not, but my heart is breaking). Thank you so much.
BT, I hear you and I understand how you feel. You are not alone. Not at all. People are very quick to throw around detach, acceptance, and acceptance and detachment, and so on. I hear it. I believe it. But it is not end all cure all. It is simply one step. One tool. Sometimes, acceptance and detachment only "work" to a point. Acceptance, which I have immersed myself in numerous times during almost 25 years in alanon, is the solution for the breaking of the pattern of stopping trying to fix it, control it, get the person to stop drinking, and so on. Acceptance is the solution for powerless over alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic. I accept that I am powerless over the alcoholic and their drinking. But that doesn't mean I have to accept their abuse. Acceptance, in my opinion, is the foundation for recovery -- but it doesn't solve every single ongoing, crisis, etc. It is not supposed to. Acceptance is key, but key to what? Also, however, that doesn't mean we can simply accept everything.
There is also -- don't accept unacceptable behavior, and how important is it -- and the latter is simply not to trivialize an issue. It might be extremely important! LOL. Acceptance is not about learning how to tolerate the intolerable. Personally, I think some people take acceptance to an extreme, whereas they rationalize, under the guise of acceptance, that they should accept anything and everything. It doesn't sound like you can live this way in perpetuity. You don't need a time frame or a deadline, but you should certainly start working on yourself -- surrender, letting go, and getting past the anger, resentment, and sadness. We say in alanon -- you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That means we can be content, we can be happy. We can be OK -- independent of the alcoholic and whether or not they are drinking. That doesn't mean divorce, married, separated, etc. That's not part of it. We can be OK. It might be divorced, it might be married, it might be who knows. It just means we can be OK.
That said, focus on YOU. Get to face to face meetings, as many as you can, as often as you can. And if you don't have a sponsor, get one, and start working the program.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 14, 2018
BT - Thank you for your kind words. They mean so much, b/c my journey has not been a straight line. Far from it! And right now I am struggling a bit. But yes, I do feel healthier for the most part, and I am definitely a better mother! But, I knew quickly that detachment would only work so long for me. In the end, what occurred ended up the BEST thing for my son!
But it is so hard to think clearly, rationally, when you are in the heart of the crazy. So maybe your feelings of getting some "space" are valid ones. It is good to hear that you are becoming financially independent... I think it is "key" for a Plan B.
I hope today was a "better tomorrow" for you!
Bettertomorrow said
Jul 16, 2018
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me.
Yesterday was indeed a better day for me and I am focusing on what I can control; reinforcing boundaries (for me); not accepting unacceptable behaviour and also working on getting some more space to just focus on me and my own recovery.
I am truly grateful to you all for your support. Better today
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 17, 2018
Ah, then you are on the right path! Focusing on what YOU can control... not accepting unacceptable behavior, holding to your boundaries.
Sending you cyber hugs, BT!!
joker said
Jul 17, 2018
I understand what your enduring. I endured drunken hell from my alcoholic bf. He was a daily abusive drunk and I was his target! I endured hell till I could not take it anymore. I reached out for help-domestic violence support group, therapy, Al-anon, the police was my last resort and criminal charges for what he did. Today, 7 months later, I am happy, free, and I do not have to tolerate daily drunken behaviors around me. I use to often leave for days on end and go to a hotel just to get some sanity! I was not a happy person. Today, I am free and happy and I live alone. Guess what, the alcoholic suddenly sobered up! Just like that! I had asked him why he did not sober up when we were together and he said he was not ready! The moment he was at a critical point in his life, he sobered up. He is not attending AA that I know of, but the trust is gone and I will never go back. My sanity is more important than his disease. I am more important! I am happy today and grateful. I pray I never go back to that insanity again! I remembered what it was like and today, I am happy, as I am free of the daily exposure to the alcoholic and their daily using! Take what you like and leave the rest from my comments! Just wanted to say, I know and understand as I endured it for years too!
Sorry I haven't posted here in awhile - although I do check in and attend regular f2f alanon meetings in my area.
To cut a long story short, AH left for 6 months and came back and all was Ok for awhile, but he is back on the slippery slope downwards. Things are deteriorating day by day and I am really struggling to detach from living with an active alcoholic again and the impact (again) on the family (we have 4 children). The only time I feel ok is when I am out of the house and taking care of me. But I am really struggling when I open the front door to the sight of him slouched half unconscious on the sofa in our only family room - so the children and I all escape upstairs to our various rooms and I try to do something caring and fun for me and the children, but my heart is not in it. I would really just appreciate some virtual hugs and knowing that I am not alone (which of course I know in my head I am not, but my heart is breaking). Thank you so much.
I am sending you hugs, support, light and love!
Because I have been there as well! I am not sure how old your 4 kids are, but I am assuming most are young. Mine was a teen, but even then, it was the progression into the "phase" of husband passed out on the living room sofa, bottle of vodka at his feet (b/c it fell from his hand) that my son was seeing on a daily basis that made me say, "detachment is fine and dandy to a point... but I gotta get the hell out of here!"
Of course, your experience will be yours alone. I just wanted you to know that I have a very similar story. Take what you want and leave the rest, as they say. If my Kiddo was younger, I would've made sure he began Al-Ateen. This program not only helped me to cope, but is saving my grace now that the divorce is almost final. It has only helped my relationship with my Kid, and I have even used it when dealing with my aging parents and in the workplace!
In other words, ramp up your F2F meetings, and remember it is your children's mental well-being you are in charge of.
Hang in there, B!!
(((((Better Tomorrow))))) Sad with you BT what a reminder on how vicious this disease is and how many victims it counts including the alcoholic. Sad for your kids. I used to be an Alateen sponsor supporting the kids who were torn up by a parents alcoholism or a friends etc. I use to and still do recommend taking them to Al-Anon meetings if you are able if for no other reason that they hear the language of recovery and get around literature and elders who will be supportive of them. Al-Anon World Service has literature for them which is valuable.
I am Sad with you also because I know the insanity of our disease and how it feels to be an unwilling victim. To watch the disease take the woman I loved and separate her from my heart and the family was maddening and the feelings of powerlessness was holistically depressing.
The ((((hugs)))) are accompanied with prayers for you, your children and your husband. I pray that recovery becomes such a desired condition for his.
Keep coming back.
Thank you PnP. I feel better already for your thoughts and hugs. Just knowing someone else understands this total craziness is worth so much. Yes my children are teens and younger and you are right, their mental wellbeing needs to be my top priority.
I have just this week got a new job, so will have some financial freedom very shortly. I think it is time to put an exit plan in place. Btw - I have followed yr journey over the last year and just wanted to say what an inspirational person you are. You have grown so much and a role model for others to learn from. xx
Thank you Jerry for your hugs, good wishes and prayers. It really means alot to me and I feel stronger just knowing there are people like you here on the board who are willing to reach across the miles and give comfort.
I too hope my husband seeks recovery, but know that is his decision to take and I hope his HP guides him. For me right now, I feel an exit plan is my right choice - even if it is temporary. I need some space and peace to rebuild my serenity for me and the children. Thank you one again .
(((HUGS))) bettertomorrow
I know how you feel... my husband is back to use/drinking. We haven't been through separation but it's very sad watching his relapse once again progress to active use.
My AH is now attending daily meetings and his outpatient and started doing his drinking/use away from the house and our kids. Still... as I pointed out to him, the impact of addiction/alcoholism is still present and affects the kids whether they "see" it or not.
Keeping boundaries in place for me, working my program, and leaning into my HP (God) for guidance is helping me today.
I haven't made a choice to leave but just wanted you to know, you're definitely not alone!
Please continue to take care of you!!
-- Edited by sakina on Saturday 14th of July 2018 01:13:50 PM
So, keep reaching out, keep leaning into recovery and trust the process. Second (((Hugs))) - you are worth it!!
I know its tough but you know yourself to a T.
As Parents we have to look at what's best for our children because the old saying Do as I say, Not as I've done. Doesn't apply anywhere it doesn't say anything about them seeing things and that has an impact.
Sending Prayers.
BT, I hear you and I understand how you feel. You are not alone. Not at all. People are very quick to throw around detach, acceptance, and acceptance and detachment, and so on. I hear it. I believe it. But it is not end all cure all. It is simply one step. One tool. Sometimes, acceptance and detachment only "work" to a point. Acceptance, which I have immersed myself in numerous times during almost 25 years in alanon, is the solution for the breaking of the pattern of stopping trying to fix it, control it, get the person to stop drinking, and so on. Acceptance is the solution for powerless over alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic. I accept that I am powerless over the alcoholic and their drinking. But that doesn't mean I have to accept their abuse. Acceptance, in my opinion, is the foundation for recovery -- but it doesn't solve every single ongoing, crisis, etc. It is not supposed to. Acceptance is key, but key to what? Also, however, that doesn't mean we can simply accept everything.
There is also -- don't accept unacceptable behavior, and how important is it -- and the latter is simply not to trivialize an issue. It might be extremely important! LOL. Acceptance is not about learning how to tolerate the intolerable. Personally, I think some people take acceptance to an extreme, whereas they rationalize, under the guise of acceptance, that they should accept anything and everything. It doesn't sound like you can live this way in perpetuity. You don't need a time frame or a deadline, but you should certainly start working on yourself -- surrender, letting go, and getting past the anger, resentment, and sadness. We say in alanon -- you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. That means we can be content, we can be happy. We can be OK -- independent of the alcoholic and whether or not they are drinking. That doesn't mean divorce, married, separated, etc. That's not part of it. We can be OK. It might be divorced, it might be married, it might be who knows. It just means we can be OK.
That said, focus on YOU. Get to face to face meetings, as many as you can, as often as you can. And if you don't have a sponsor, get one, and start working the program.
But it is so hard to think clearly, rationally, when you are in the heart of the crazy. So maybe your feelings of getting some "space" are valid ones. It is good to hear that you are becoming financially independent... I think it is "key" for a Plan B.
I hope today was a "better tomorrow" for you!
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me.
Yesterday was indeed a better day for me and I am focusing on what I can control; reinforcing boundaries (for me); not accepting unacceptable behaviour and also working on getting some more space to just focus on me and my own recovery.
I am truly grateful to you all for your support. Better today
Sending you cyber hugs, BT!!
I understand what your enduring. I endured drunken hell from my alcoholic bf. He was a daily abusive drunk and I was his target! I endured hell till I could not take it anymore. I reached out for help-domestic violence support group, therapy, Al-anon, the police was my last resort and criminal charges for what he did. Today, 7 months later, I am happy, free, and I do not have to tolerate daily drunken behaviors around me. I use to often leave for days on end and go to a hotel just to get some sanity! I was not a happy person. Today, I am free and happy and I live alone. Guess what, the alcoholic suddenly sobered up! Just like that! I had asked him why he did not sober up when we were together and he said he was not ready! The moment he was at a critical point in his life, he sobered up. He is not attending AA that I know of, but the trust is gone and I will never go back. My sanity is more important than his disease. I am more important! I am happy today and grateful. I pray I never go back to that insanity again! I remembered what it was like and today, I am happy, as I am free of the daily exposure to the alcoholic and their daily using! Take what you like and leave the rest from my comments! Just wanted to say, I know and understand as I endured it for years too!