A few years ago I decided that I was going to love on with my life and my little family. I stopped contact with my family I grew up with because my parents are alcoholics and in turn my siblings turned into alcoholics(i went the other way and got depression). The damaged that this has caused means everyone is highly dysfunctional(drinking fighting and arguing). It was starting to effect my kids and I finally just said that I wanted to be happy and I have been but I need help because I have ptsd because of the way I grew up(hence alanon which is working btw!). My mom still keeps trying to drop off gifts and bothers my husband at work trying to give my kids money which my husband would not accept. He feels the way I do that my mom is not mentally healthy and as a result of this her drinking upsets me and our kids(the oldest refuses to have anything to do with my family because of the fighting/drinking). Since she knows that my husband won't accept the gifts she has had her coworkers and friends try to drop these items off when my husband is either on break or lunch so they are waiting when he gets back. I must mention that I am the only one out of my family that has gotten therapy and is working a program and is sober. My husband says I will have to at some point tell her something but if I know my mother who is a classic narcissist then she will play victim when I tell her to stay away and I just don't want to play into that. I have no idea what do?
JerryF said
Jul 13, 2018
Gracious Pol I read your post and agree again that this disease is so very often the same with the victims of it. I find lots of duplication with my story though there are some differences. "The answers/recovery are in the similarities" my sponsor taught me and that is true...the similarities of recovery not insanity. I also parted with my family of origin for the same reasons and because I could be triggered into the chemical...so I left and just did respectful visits on occasions. My family didn't like the idea that I have stopped participating in the insanity and that alcoholism was my justification and then I had started enjoying early sanity and continued to do what worked for me even in the face of anger and self righteousness. There is some support you have that I didn't have. I married the women I drank with so often I was working recovery alone without support from a spouse...but I changed families and Al-Anon because the family I stayed with 24/7. I convinced myself that it was fine and suffered no concern. I changed and the program gave my Mom the son she never had and only wished for in early years. Our relationship was very very good before she passed and included my alcoholic Step-father.
Our program works when we work it so I'll work it. Thanks for the support. ((((hugs))))
Pol said
Jul 13, 2018
hi jerry thank you for your response. I was talking it over with my family and they have agreed that we've been doing a lot better away from my family. Working the alanon program has been beneficial to me because I have worked on a lot of character defects because being an adult child of an alcoholic. It breaks my heart because my oldest recently told me how much her grandmother's drinking has affected her and that's a reason why she doesn't want any contact with her. I feel like I'm moving at a snails pace with everything but I'm moving towards something and so far I've felt a lot better.
JerryF said
Jul 14, 2018
I wanted it all in a hurry also yet there was so much to learn I kept getting distracted toward greater growth over time. The people I met that I had not met yet were coming forward to share their ESH and my recovery family just grew and grew. I still had some wars to get involved with that would teach me even more so the slow pace and some times the stumbling gait worked wonders. I learned from mistakes and that was rocket science. HP is a good director when HP is given full management and I have memories of awesome miracle lessons I would never forget that proves to me HP's care and attention. Take your time...one day at a time. ((((hugs))))
Aline said
Jul 14, 2018
Hi, (((Pol))). The insistence of your mother trying to keep in contact is sure huge... Reminds me somewhat of my ex-abf who still hasn't fully left me alone - tends to call from other phone numbers sometimes, but I hang up. I went through a phase of being very disturbed by these attempts at contacting me and let it get to me. There were veiled suicide threats from him and I really lost the peace of mind I had. Didn't know what to do, whether to do anything, felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. That was another lesson for me in powerlessness and practicing step 1, because I really still held the belief in myself, deep down, a couple of months ago that I was somehow responsible for the A's choices and life, that I had that much power over him.
I had asked more than once for the ex to stop contacting me - I asked not to call or message me late at night - he didn't. Eventually I blocked his number. Then he proceeded to write many messages on Facebook or trying to call me from there, also at any time he saw fit. I blocked him there too. The last leaving only e-mail communication... That didn't provide peace for me either because I was so very on edge regarding any communication from him, really. Drama, drama, drama. I had to get pretty crazy again till I was ready to say - I'm not doing that anymore, because I just can't. Now when I get a call from him (calling from other people's phones) I am able to say "I'm not going to talk to you" and hang up and not make a big deal out of the situation. Some months ago this same brief encounter would cause me a whole lot more pain, now its mostly just slight irritation and I don't go on thinking about it for hours (or days). I realize your situation is different, but that's my experience, maybe something will resonate with you...
Your comment regarding moving at a snail's pace - that's my line! I've shared this thought with my sponsor and at a meeting, and they reassured me that everyone has their own pace and that it is the right pace for each... I can't say I have fully accepted that yet, but I have more peace around this topic now. I'm doing okay, and you are doing okay! Like you say, you're moving forward. I am glad we're "crawling" together :D
Pol said
Jul 14, 2018
Hi Aline, I know it stresses me out because I feel emotionally I am not strong enough to have that encounter with her where I have to tell her to stop. I've been trying to keep myself busy with the program, my family and my church. These three things have helped me so much in the past week because I tend to uh as they say ruminate on it lol. I don't know what I should do, and its bugging me but I think I have come to the conclusion that I can't do anything about it right now. That i'm not capable of it yet and that's okay. Will I ever be? I dont know probably not..maybe I will who knows but we will continue me and my husband to just move on because its not only about me but its also about our kids and we have to listen to their wishes as well.
Gracious Pol I read your post and agree again that this disease is so very often the same with the victims of it. I find lots of duplication with my story though there are some differences. "The answers/recovery are in the similarities" my sponsor taught me and that is true...the similarities of recovery not insanity. I also parted with my family of origin for the same reasons and because I could be triggered into the chemical...so I left and just did respectful visits on occasions. My family didn't like the idea that I have stopped participating in the insanity and that alcoholism was my justification and then I had started enjoying early sanity and continued to do what worked for me even in the face of anger and self righteousness. There is some support you have that I didn't have. I married the women I drank with so often I was working recovery alone without support from a spouse...but I changed families and Al-Anon because the family I stayed with 24/7. I convinced myself that it was fine and suffered no concern. I changed and the program gave my Mom the son she never had and only wished for in early years. Our relationship was very very good before she passed and included my alcoholic Step-father.
Our program works when we work it so I'll work it. Thanks for the support. ((((hugs))))
I wanted it all in a hurry also yet there was so much to learn I kept getting distracted toward greater growth over time. The people I met that I had not met yet were coming forward to share their ESH and my recovery family just grew and grew. I still had some wars to get involved with that would teach me even more so the slow pace and some times the stumbling gait worked wonders. I learned from mistakes and that was rocket science. HP is a good director when HP is given full management and I have memories of awesome miracle lessons I would never forget that proves to me HP's care and attention. Take your time...one day at a time. ((((hugs))))
I had asked more than once for the ex to stop contacting me - I asked not to call or message me late at night - he didn't. Eventually I blocked his number. Then he proceeded to write many messages on Facebook or trying to call me from there, also at any time he saw fit. I blocked him there too. The last leaving only e-mail communication... That didn't provide peace for me either because I was so very on edge regarding any communication from him, really. Drama, drama, drama. I had to get pretty crazy again till I was ready to say - I'm not doing that anymore, because I just can't. Now when I get a call from him (calling from other people's phones) I am able to say "I'm not going to talk to you" and hang up and not make a big deal out of the situation. Some months ago this same brief encounter would cause me a whole lot more pain, now its mostly just slight irritation and I don't go on thinking about it for hours (or days). I realize your situation is different, but that's my experience, maybe something will resonate with you...
Your comment regarding moving at a snail's pace - that's my line! I've shared this thought with my sponsor and at a meeting, and they reassured me that everyone has their own pace and that it is the right pace for each... I can't say I have fully accepted that yet, but I have more peace around this topic now. I'm doing okay, and you are doing okay! Like you say, you're moving forward. I am glad we're "crawling" together :D
Hi Aline,
I know it stresses me out because I feel emotionally I am not strong enough to have that encounter with her where I have to tell her to stop. I've been trying to keep myself busy with the program, my family and my church. These three things have helped me so much in the past week because I tend to uh as they say ruminate on it lol. I don't know what I should do, and its bugging me but I think I have come to the conclusion that I can't do anything about it right now. That i'm not capable of it yet and that's okay. Will I ever be? I dont know probably not..maybe I will who knows but we will continue me and my husband to just move on because its not only about me but its also about our kids and we have to listen to their wishes as well.