So I came home from work yesterday after having the best day in a long time, to find something amiss. Couldn't put my finger on it... air conditioning was on, TV was on, Kid's bed looked slept in, dog was waiting by door, Kid's phone on floor near mattress. "Hi, I'm home!" No answer. Hmmmm. Maybe he is up at the main house as the back door looked ajar. Or perhaps he is in the bathroom. Mind you, this is a one bedroom place. The dog whines. I walk into the kitchen. The dog's dinner is not made (like usual), the dishes are piled high in the sink, and there is what looks like the production of lemonade making on the counter. "Hello?" Still no answer. The dog whines again.
I walk into my bedroom and peek into the bathroom. There is my 17 year-old son lying on the floor, unresponsive. Holy F***!! I try and rouse him, no success. There is puke everywhere. Something just clicks in my head and I begin screaming. Literally. THAT made him wake up! Unfortunately, like I said, something akin to PTSD is pushing me. I am screaming at him. Now that he is awake and I know he is alive, I shut my mouth, rush out of the room and promptly throw up in the kitchen sink. OMG!
I take some very deep breathes and try and calm myself down. I am not happy by what I said to him and I don't want to make it worse. I walk back into the bedroom and he's apologizing out the wazoo. Rushes out to living room, grabs a water bottle 1/4 full and says, "Here! I'll pour out the rest!" He goes out side and pours it out in the grass. "What was that?" I asked.
"Vodka." he said. Great... I think to myself, his dad's DOC. I told him to wash that out of the grass so it won't kill it and then go inside and put all the dirty stuff into the wash. I go inside and just crumple to the floor. I am crying in earnest now. Don't even care if he sees it or not. He does see it and now the guilt of what he has done is hitting him. Between his tears and my tears we are a hot mess. I am hearing so much guilt, so much, "OMG, I am THAT guy!" I brought this into our haven! Why did I do this? And I am saying all the things that HE always said to you! OMG! I am NOT THAT GUY! I am not Him!" "I tell you I'm sorry and I love you, and all I see is Him doing that to you!" "I am just like him!" I just can't be THAT guy! Why did I do this?"
His self-talk gets so bad, that even though I just want to high-tail it out of there to save my sanity, my motherly instinct kicks in and I begin to fear for him. So I spend the next 3 hours talking him down. Trying to help him understand that everyone makes mistakes. That while I don't agree with this, and yes, he did cross a boundary that he was well aware of, I still love him. That he is worth living. I think to myself, God help me! F-you God!! Why or why are you doing this to me, God! I am done with you, God! To HELL with your "God doesn't give you more than you can handle, cr*p!
I try and have him sleep it off, b/c I don't want to talk with a drunk mind. My son tries, but just can't. He tells me he wants to talk. So we talk. I try and find out the "why" of what he did. I ask if this has been a problem outside of our home (I don't think so, I can count 2 other times he's gotten drunk in the last 3 years). He said no, but he also doesn't know why he did this. He said he had a friend contact him and he bought the water bottle of vodka from him for $10, and he thought it would be good to have with lemonade, and the next thing he remembers is waking up to me screaming at him." In my head I am thinking, "Are f'ing kidding me?!!!" At the same time, he says, "I can't believe I paid $10.00 for this hell... I am an idiot."
The amount of guilt he has for "ruining our safe place, of ruining our relationship." "Now it will be something you will have to "get over." You will now go to Al-Anon and have to speak about your kid." " I just want things to go back to the way they were." " I was even apologizing to the dog for not doing what I was supposed to do for her - let her out and feed her - I saw HIM do that over and over... I am JUST LIKE HIM!"
I told him most people use substances to get away from something. The key moving forward is to find out what you are wanting to get away from. I requested Al-ATeen meetings - because talk is cheap... you know that... you've experienced that... actions are what will matter to me. He said he would go... "anything to make this better"
Today I am struggling b/c there are no Al-ATeen meetings within a 50 mile radius of our home - I find the incredulous given where I live. I am struggling b/c everything he said I have heard from his father... so yeah, I am in a space of fear. I am trying not to live with the fear.
I am afraid to go to work - I don't think he'll drink, but maybe hurt himself. Although he seems level headed this morning. I waffle between thinking I need to detach (thus go to work) and be supportive and maybe help him from hurting himself (maybe) - by not going to internship and work. I feel that whatever choice I make, it will be the wrong one.
I am heartbroken.
Tude said
Jul 13, 2018
(((PnP))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. I went through this with my son. Prayers for you and him too. Is there an adult alanon close by?? One that he can go to that you aren't in?
Hugs!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 13, 2018
Thank you for the support, Tude.
I wasn't sure he could attend an adult meeting. I will check into those, as I know there are some near us!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 13, 2018
I just found a "Young Adult AFG" meeting two cities from us... does that sound like that would be appropriate?
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 13, 2018
Now that I think I may have found an appropriate meeting, I feel like b/c he is 17 and is VERY humble right now, I can make him go to a meeting, but really, I can't make him continue to go. And if he isn't ready to sit and listen, then even if I could make him go, it would be a waste of time. He has some issues with social anxiety, so as he says, this would be his worst nightmare come to life, but "he is willing to do it for me, so that things can go back to the way they were."
I can already see that he shouldn't be doing this FOR ME, but for himself.
I feel like I need to "let go," but I am afraid he needs guidance and if I let go, then I am not doing my job as his mother and protector. Gah!!! I hate this!
JerryF said
Jul 13, 2018
(((PnP))) That dear lady is a description of insanity which the 2nd steps says a Power Greater than our selves can restores us from replacing it with it's opposite...sanity.
I remember my days as you have just had which lasted for years thru relationships with addicts/alcoholics and my own sickness. Thank you HP for the 2nd step right up to this minute.
Sponsor time, literature time, fellowship time and certainly HP time. I see your attempt at blaming God and be sure God understands and probably hurts with you. I believe that HP is compassionate and empathetic and willing to have me learn my lessons from the events that happen(ing) around me today. I can give you some experience...take your son to an Al-Anon meeting with you, just for him to sit, listen and learn. One of my male sponsees took that suggestion when his son and daughter were pre-teen and for all practical purposes are pretty well sane and serene today while their mother still does jails and institutions.
Afraid and Angry?? Normal. The opposite of Fear (for me) is Love and the opposite of anger; Acceptance. Some times that is a full time day and the best work I can do. I pray today Is very different for you than what has happened earlier. ((((hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Jul 13, 2018
Pnp I plan on pming you later. Big hugs I'm so sorry.
Tude said
Jul 13, 2018
Prayers that he goes. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink but those 12 step meetings do help some that are humble!!!! They can't sit and not hear what is being shared! My AF is living proof of it. DUI in Dec and is now taking Night Watch and going to the jail for AA meetings. I also know many who were on probation or parole and went just to get their papers signed........it clicked for many of them! Some came back later.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 13, 2018
Thank you, Jerry. I am hearing what you are saying to me. Yes, I am blaming God. I think because at first I was so angry back in Sept., and it took everything I had to let go of that anger and allow my HP to guide my life. But I seem to have A LOT of roadblocks. It has not been easy... I haven't shared much of it here, as I do have my F2F and I try to not wallow in the self-pity, but it's been a bumpy road and at the moment I am having a hard time wondering "why?" if I am working the program. Probably a day to write about what I am grateful for. I am going to take you up on the suggestion of taking him to one of my meetings. It's a start. Then perhaps he will be more open to going to the Young Adults meeting.
I'll check back later, Serenity... thanks!
Tude - You are correct. Even if nothing occurs, they still can't help hearing. That may be transformative.
a4l said
Jul 13, 2018
Sending hugs PnP. Some experimentation at 17 is typical though I can imagine how triggering this must be for you. Do take some time to step back or step out and calm down and detach from all the panicking feelings. He is 17, he bought some cheap vodka, drank it and passed out. Forget about his father, forget about all the things son said when he was drunk. Just look at the situation and put your parent hat on. Son is not his dad. Son is son. Maybe he needs to get a job or start volunteering somewhere, being young with time on your hands is not always a good thing. To me, forcing him to a meeting in this context is kind of like saying there is something wrong with him rather than something wrong with what he did. He screwed up by breaking your house rules not to mention violating trust boundaries. We are taught not to protect others from the consequences of their drinking. He did this in your house causing distress and being inconsiderate. That doesn't require sympathy in my book , it requires a thorough non-emotive discussion, consequences which may or may not include a counselling session/alateen meeting and if he doesn't already have one, some kind of job paid or unpaid. I hope you manage to get some rest and something nourishing to eat. Putting you both in my prayers. (((PnP)))
Aline said
Jul 13, 2018
Big hugs, (((((PnP))))). Prayers your way
Iamhere said
Jul 13, 2018
(((PnP))) - I am sending you tons of hugs and prayers. I am having flash-backs from our home and experience. What I did NOT have that you have is Al-Anon. I also totally freaked out and over-reacted. I then did strongly suggest mine needed to talk to a counselor as they had no interest in what I had to say (rightfully so - I am mom and that's the only hat I should wear with my children). Needless to say, you are very correct in that anything that is forced will probably not have a long term affect...one thing that might benefit you both is an open AA meeting - speaker meetings are very powerful in sending messages simply because the speaker talks about 'what it was like, what happened and what it's like now'.
It took me a long time (even though I was in AA) to accept the genetic aspect of this disease. I really considered nurture more important than nature and intended to 'save my children from the disease'. PFFFFT - no human power has that ability.
What I did that was good was I shared what I knew and my own experience. I shared the back-track of the disease in our genes. I made sure they knew where to go and who to contact if they even felt they had a problem. I did not 'detach' as I had no program, instead I hovered, drove them crazy and myself crazier. They went down the path I most resisted and it was hell on earth to watch - yet it brought me to Al-Anon and them to recovery in God's time.
As with all things in life, we can only be of service - even when it's a child. It hurts, it's frightening and it's crazy-making but it's true. At 17, I do believe that he can tell you how best you can be of service if you only ask. He may want to talk to someone - all that you've been through has happened to him in pieces as well. Just a thought.
All the best my friend - and as we suggest always - One Day at a Time!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 13, 2018
Thank you, Aline... your support means the world to me... just to know that my friends here take the time to offer support is so meaningful when your head is spinning sideways!
a4l - I thought about what you shared all day. You are so right. He is NOT my husband. This does not mean he WILL become addicted.
Since graduation from HS, he has been putting out resumes trying to land his first job. He has had no success... partly b/c he procrastinates getting an app in when he hears about a position being open, and then the position is filled by the time he checks on it. Partly b/c he has no experience. We did have an open, honest conversation, but he does have a history of cutting/depression, so I feel like I can't be too harsh... but I restated no substance abuse in this house. I told him that if he can't abide by that, then when he is 18, he will have to move out. That made him have the big deer in the headlights look. I reminded him that I love him... will always love him, but can't live with that insanity ever again. He agreed and understood.
The reason I think there might be a problem is that there is plenty of beer in my parent's fridge in the garage. If he wanted a buzz, he could've taken a couple of those, and no one would be the wiser. Instead, he got a text from a friend who's given him vodka before, went to meet him and paid for it!! Then he drank until he passed out. Of course, he may actually have an "allergy" where just a little goes a long way for him - if you know what I mean. Or it may be that he is so "green" to drinking, that each time (2 times prior) he has one drink and that causes the natural survival instinct to diminish and he just keeps going until he passes out b/c he doesn't know his limit. I may never know.
I did reiterate that for me, words are simply hollow. It's sucks for him - b/c he is apologizing like crazy- but that is the by-product of my living with an addict/alcoholic. I thanked him for his apology, but said I will now only consider actions. Period. I also told him that in moving forward from this, I thought that perhaps the focus should be off of what you did and that he try and figure out the "why" of what he did. I explained that many people who abuse substances (and drinking like that constitutes an abuse) do so b/c they want to either numb feelings, or avoid the feelings. I told him THAT was the important factor here.
I also talked with him about Adult Children of Alcoholics or ACoA. I was looking up this information on Youtube, and several Tubers talked about the 13 traits of ACoA. I noticed I had quite a few. One stood out... "ACoA will usually be on either side of this spectrum, rarely in the middle... they are either over-doers, overachievers, perfectionists, or they are on the other side of that pendulum... they under achieve, under-do, underwhelm, procrastinate." The reason this spoke to me is b/c I am the perfectionist, the over-doer, while my son is the under-doer. I gently suggested that he check out that forum. Read all that he can if he is not ready to check out a meeting. I understand that I cannot make him do this... but boy do I wish I could! LOL! However, I will also be looking into this for myself! It was kind of an "AHA" moment.
Actually feeling better writing this out. Thank you, MIP family!
milkwood said
Jul 15, 2018
I'm so sorry that you have been through this shocking experience and can feel all the old memories flooding back. Have you had a chance yet to think about what you would like to do for you? I think that one of the best courses of action can sometimes be to show your positive resilience and self care to others, no matter what else is going on. Keep the focus on you! Sending love to you both.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 15, 2018
Thank you for the support, Milkwood.
I am trying to keep grounded with meetings and reading here on MIP. The key for me is to not future-trip.
I also am low-keying it this weekend...not doing much of anything but being in the AC! Sometimes that causes me anxiety (b/c there is always so much to do), but I feel that is what I need for now.
tiredtonite said
Jul 15, 2018
(((pnp)))) I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's such a frightening thing to come home and fin your loved one passed out. Your son will do whatever he is going to do. Your own recovery is the best support you can offer. I've brought each of my bf's daus to an alanon meeting with me but I doubt they have returned because nothing has ever been said to us since. Neither of us talk about our programs to them, we just continue to try to live by the principles of 12 step recovery and pray they make good choices. In fact, we feel the disease of alcoholism may be budding in at least one but again.. she will only be ready when and if she is. We're powerless to fix this. I understand your anger at God I truly do. I have been there and came to the program having rejected God and blamed God for giving me a raw deal. My perception was that I'd been abandoned in a time of my greatest need and what kind of a god would do that. Some lessons I've learned since have been very painful as have been some learned by those I most love. My program has shown me in these instances that the slogan Live and Let Live is by far the hardest to work when your heart is breaking. These are the times I need to come here and share, lean into my program each day and surround myself with others at my meetings. It's no one's job to recover for us as you pointed out.
Your son's father is a separate person from your son. Your son can be himself if he makes a conscious choice to do so. You know there is an interesting reading in Hope for Today about a kid finding their alcoholic father's wallet. The crux of it is that the alcoholic is that under the disease of alcoholism is a person. The reading relates the alcoholic having pictures in his wallet much the way someone who was not alcoholic might. If your son is an alcoholic and wants to find his way to AA, through the grace of his own higher power he will. Alanon as you know is also great for alerting us to self-care, compassion and forgiveness for ourselves and others. I hope he chooses to find one of our meetings. It's truly a gift that your son is openly discussing things with you. Definitely one for the gratitude list.
Hang in there. Hope you will continue to take good care of you and maybe give the dog an extra treat huh :) It's obviously there is a lot of love between you and your son which is wonderful. Prayers for you and your family. ((hugs))) TT
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 15, 2018
TiredT - Thank you for your support, wise words, and ESH.
I planted cherry tomatoes, weeded & gave my pooch a much needed bath! So hot here & now I am exhausted. Going to take a nice long, cool shower & chillax in the AC!!
KT2015 said
Jul 15, 2018
Wow PnP wow. I am sorry to hear what happened but amazed to see how you handled it with love and boundaries. I canât even begin to imagine how heart wrenching it is to see that happen with your kid. I am amazed at you and how you worked the program. Hugs!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 15, 2018
Thank you, KT... but you know, my initial response was definitely NOT program! LOL!
But thank goodness I DO have this program b/c I was able to gather myself and come back at the problem with a more level head.
I appreciate you checking in!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 17, 2018
Wow, Marsha! Just reading your post sent chills up and down my spine!
My STBXRAH used meth for many years. He spent 90 days in rehab. It is where I got my PTSD symptoms, so on this go 'round with alcohol, when I finally had enough of the crazy, I just said, "NOPE!" No more chances given for me! I mourned the dream of our marriage... but I am not sorry I left.
You seem like you working a strong program... you've had to, huh? I am glad that you've found your center so that you aren't consumed by guilt.
I wanted to thank everyone for the well-wishes, support, love, ESH, etc. My son is doing well, we've had many, many good, serious conversations. I have not heard from his therapist yet, but I did everything I knew to reach out to her. I will try again.
So I came home from work yesterday after having the best day in a long time, to find something amiss. Couldn't put my finger on it... air conditioning was on, TV was on, Kid's bed looked slept in, dog was waiting by door, Kid's phone on floor near mattress. "Hi, I'm home!" No answer. Hmmmm. Maybe he is up at the main house as the back door looked ajar. Or perhaps he is in the bathroom. Mind you, this is a one bedroom place. The dog whines. I walk into the kitchen. The dog's dinner is not made (like usual), the dishes are piled high in the sink, and there is what looks like the production of lemonade making on the counter. "Hello?" Still no answer. The dog whines again.
I walk into my bedroom and peek into the bathroom. There is my 17 year-old son lying on the floor, unresponsive. Holy F***!! I try and rouse him, no success. There is puke everywhere. Something just clicks in my head and I begin screaming. Literally. THAT made him wake up! Unfortunately, like I said, something akin to PTSD is pushing me. I am screaming at him. Now that he is awake and I know he is alive, I shut my mouth, rush out of the room and promptly throw up in the kitchen sink. OMG!
I take some very deep breathes and try and calm myself down. I am not happy by what I said to him and I don't want to make it worse. I walk back into the bedroom and he's apologizing out the wazoo. Rushes out to living room, grabs a water bottle 1/4 full and says, "Here! I'll pour out the rest!" He goes out side and pours it out in the grass. "What was that?" I asked.
"Vodka." he said. Great... I think to myself, his dad's DOC. I told him to wash that out of the grass so it won't kill it and then go inside and put all the dirty stuff into the wash. I go inside and just crumple to the floor. I am crying in earnest now. Don't even care if he sees it or not. He does see it and now the guilt of what he has done is hitting him. Between his tears and my tears we are a hot mess. I am hearing so much guilt, so much, "OMG, I am THAT guy!" I brought this into our haven! Why did I do this? And I am saying all the things that HE always said to you! OMG! I am NOT THAT GUY! I am not Him!" "I tell you I'm sorry and I love you, and all I see is Him doing that to you!" "I am just like him!" I just can't be THAT guy! Why did I do this?"
His self-talk gets so bad, that even though I just want to high-tail it out of there to save my sanity, my motherly instinct kicks in and I begin to fear for him. So I spend the next 3 hours talking him down. Trying to help him understand that everyone makes mistakes. That while I don't agree with this, and yes, he did cross a boundary that he was well aware of, I still love him. That he is worth living. I think to myself, God help me! F-you God!! Why or why are you doing this to me, God! I am done with you, God! To HELL with your "God doesn't give you more than you can handle, cr*p!
I try and have him sleep it off, b/c I don't want to talk with a drunk mind. My son tries, but just can't. He tells me he wants to talk. So we talk. I try and find out the "why" of what he did. I ask if this has been a problem outside of our home (I don't think so, I can count 2 other times he's gotten drunk in the last 3 years). He said no, but he also doesn't know why he did this. He said he had a friend contact him and he bought the water bottle of vodka from him for $10, and he thought it would be good to have with lemonade, and the next thing he remembers is waking up to me screaming at him." In my head I am thinking, "Are f'ing kidding me?!!!" At the same time, he says, "I can't believe I paid $10.00 for this hell... I am an idiot."
The amount of guilt he has for "ruining our safe place, of ruining our relationship." "Now it will be something you will have to "get over." You will now go to Al-Anon and have to speak about your kid." " I just want things to go back to the way they were." " I was even apologizing to the dog for not doing what I was supposed to do for her - let her out and feed her - I saw HIM do that over and over... I am JUST LIKE HIM!"
I told him most people use substances to get away from something. The key moving forward is to find out what you are wanting to get away from. I requested Al-ATeen meetings - because talk is cheap... you know that... you've experienced that... actions are what will matter to me. He said he would go... "anything to make this better"
Today I am struggling b/c there are no Al-ATeen meetings within a 50 mile radius of our home - I find the incredulous given where I live. I am struggling b/c everything he said I have heard from his father... so yeah, I am in a space of fear. I am trying not to live with the fear.
I am afraid to go to work - I don't think he'll drink, but maybe hurt himself. Although he seems level headed this morning. I waffle between thinking I need to detach (thus go to work) and be supportive and maybe help him from hurting himself (maybe) - by not going to internship and work. I feel that whatever choice I make, it will be the wrong one.
I am heartbroken.
Hugs!!!
I wasn't sure he could attend an adult meeting. I will check into those, as I know there are some near us!
I can already see that he shouldn't be doing this FOR ME, but for himself.
I feel like I need to "let go," but I am afraid he needs guidance and if I let go, then I am not doing my job as his mother and protector. Gah!!! I hate this!
(((PnP))) That dear lady is a description of insanity which the 2nd steps says a Power Greater than our selves can restores us from replacing it with it's opposite...sanity.
I remember my days as you have just had which lasted for years thru relationships with addicts/alcoholics and my own sickness. Thank you HP for the 2nd step right up to this minute.
Sponsor time, literature time, fellowship time and certainly HP time. I see your attempt at blaming God and be sure God understands and probably hurts with you. I believe that HP is compassionate and empathetic and willing to have me learn my lessons from the events that happen(ing) around me today. I can give you some experience...take your son to an Al-Anon meeting with you, just for him to sit, listen and learn. One of my male sponsees took that suggestion when his son and daughter were pre-teen and for all practical purposes are pretty well sane and serene today while their mother still does jails and institutions.
Afraid and Angry?? Normal. The opposite of Fear (for me) is Love and the opposite of anger; Acceptance. Some times that is a full time day and the best work I can do. I pray today Is very different for you than what has happened earlier. ((((hugs))))
I'll check back later, Serenity... thanks!
Tude - You are correct. Even if nothing occurs, they still can't help hearing. That may be transformative.
It took me a long time (even though I was in AA) to accept the genetic aspect of this disease. I really considered nurture more important than nature and intended to 'save my children from the disease'. PFFFFT - no human power has that ability.
What I did that was good was I shared what I knew and my own experience. I shared the back-track of the disease in our genes. I made sure they knew where to go and who to contact if they even felt they had a problem. I did not 'detach' as I had no program, instead I hovered, drove them crazy and myself crazier. They went down the path I most resisted and it was hell on earth to watch - yet it brought me to Al-Anon and them to recovery in God's time.
As with all things in life, we can only be of service - even when it's a child. It hurts, it's frightening and it's crazy-making but it's true. At 17, I do believe that he can tell you how best you can be of service if you only ask. He may want to talk to someone - all that you've been through has happened to him in pieces as well. Just a thought.
All the best my friend - and as we suggest always - One Day at a Time!
Thank you, Aline... your support means the world to me... just to know that my friends here take the time to offer support is so meaningful when your head is spinning sideways!
a4l - I thought about what you shared all day. You are so right. He is NOT my husband. This does not mean he WILL become addicted.
Since graduation from HS, he has been putting out resumes trying to land his first job. He has had no success... partly b/c he procrastinates getting an app in when he hears about a position being open, and then the position is filled by the time he checks on it. Partly b/c he has no experience. We did have an open, honest conversation, but he does have a history of cutting/depression, so I feel like I can't be too harsh... but I restated no substance abuse in this house. I told him that if he can't abide by that, then when he is 18, he will have to move out. That made him have the big deer in the headlights look. I reminded him that I love him... will always love him, but can't live with that insanity ever again. He agreed and understood.
The reason I think there might be a problem is that there is plenty of beer in my parent's fridge in the garage. If he wanted a buzz, he could've taken a couple of those, and no one would be the wiser. Instead, he got a text from a friend who's given him vodka before, went to meet him and paid for it!! Then he drank until he passed out. Of course, he may actually have an "allergy" where just a little goes a long way for him - if you know what I mean. Or it may be that he is so "green" to drinking, that each time (2 times prior) he has one drink and that causes the natural survival instinct to diminish and he just keeps going until he passes out b/c he doesn't know his limit. I may never know.
I did reiterate that for me, words are simply hollow. It's sucks for him - b/c he is apologizing like crazy- but that is the by-product of my living with an addict/alcoholic. I thanked him for his apology, but said I will now only consider actions. Period. I also told him that in moving forward from this, I thought that perhaps the focus should be off of what you did and that he try and figure out the "why" of what he did. I explained that many people who abuse substances (and drinking like that constitutes an abuse) do so b/c they want to either numb feelings, or avoid the feelings. I told him THAT was the important factor here.
I also talked with him about Adult Children of Alcoholics or ACoA. I was looking up this information on Youtube, and several Tubers talked about the 13 traits of ACoA. I noticed I had quite a few. One stood out... "ACoA will usually be on either side of this spectrum, rarely in the middle... they are either over-doers, overachievers, perfectionists, or they are on the other side of that pendulum... they under achieve, under-do, underwhelm, procrastinate." The reason this spoke to me is b/c I am the perfectionist, the over-doer, while my son is the under-doer. I gently suggested that he check out that forum. Read all that he can if he is not ready to check out a meeting. I understand that I cannot make him do this... but boy do I wish I could! LOL! However, I will also be looking into this for myself! It was kind of an "AHA" moment.
Actually feeling better writing this out. Thank you, MIP family!
I am trying to keep grounded with meetings and reading here on MIP. The key for me is to not future-trip.
I also am low-keying it this weekend...not doing much of anything but being in the AC! Sometimes that causes me anxiety (b/c there is always so much to do), but I feel that is what I need for now.
(((pnp)))) I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's such a frightening thing to come home and fin your loved one passed out. Your son will do whatever he is going to do. Your own recovery is the best support you can offer. I've brought each of my bf's daus to an alanon meeting with me but I doubt they have returned because nothing has ever been said to us since. Neither of us talk about our programs to them, we just continue to try to live by the principles of 12 step recovery and pray they make good choices. In fact, we feel the disease of alcoholism may be budding in at least one but again.. she will only be ready when and if she is. We're powerless to fix this. I understand your anger at God I truly do. I have been there and came to the program having rejected God and blamed God for giving me a raw deal. My perception was that I'd been abandoned in a time of my greatest need and what kind of a god would do that. Some lessons I've learned since have been very painful as have been some learned by those I most love. My program has shown me in these instances that the slogan Live and Let Live is by far the hardest to work when your heart is breaking. These are the times I need to come here and share, lean into my program each day and surround myself with others at my meetings. It's no one's job to recover for us as you pointed out.
Your son's father is a separate person from your son. Your son can be himself if he makes a conscious choice to do so. You know there is an interesting reading in Hope for Today about a kid finding their alcoholic father's wallet. The crux of it is that the alcoholic is that under the disease of alcoholism is a person. The reading relates the alcoholic having pictures in his wallet much the way someone who was not alcoholic might. If your son is an alcoholic and wants to find his way to AA, through the grace of his own higher power he will. Alanon as you know is also great for alerting us to self-care, compassion and forgiveness for ourselves and others. I hope he chooses to find one of our meetings. It's truly a gift that your son is openly discussing things with you. Definitely one for the gratitude list.
Hang in there. Hope you will continue to take good care of you and maybe give the dog an extra treat huh :) It's obviously there is a lot of love between you and your son which is wonderful. Prayers for you and your family. ((hugs))) TT
I planted cherry tomatoes, weeded & gave my pooch a much needed bath! So hot here & now I am exhausted. Going to take a nice long, cool shower & chillax in the AC!!
But thank goodness I DO have this program b/c I was able to gather myself and come back at the problem with a more level head.
I appreciate you checking in!
My STBXRAH used meth for many years. He spent 90 days in rehab. It is where I got my PTSD symptoms, so on this go 'round with alcohol, when I finally had enough of the crazy, I just said, "NOPE!" No more chances given for me! I mourned the dream of our marriage... but I am not sorry I left.
You seem like you working a strong program... you've had to, huh? I am glad that you've found your center so that you aren't consumed by guilt.
I wanted to thank everyone for the well-wishes, support, love, ESH, etc. My son is doing well, we've had many, many good, serious conversations. I have not heard from his therapist yet, but I did everything I knew to reach out to her. I will try again.