So what to say...I had been dating an alcoholic for seven years (though he insists he was not an alcoholic when I met him). We have had a turbulent relationship to say the least. He went to rehab last year, was sober for 6 months and then fell off the wagon in April. In May I was admitted to hospital after a Mental Breakdown and suicidal thoughts. It was my rock bottom. I told him then, that we both need to time to heal and that we should focus on ourselves only for 6 months and then touch base again. He said that I was holding onto him just until I found someone better (which wasn't true). He then told me it was over. That he hated that I told him that his children were terrible (they are 23 and 18 and spoiled). He had mentioned this in the past and I thought I had stopped but he said I never did. Anyway, after he broke it up, it was very difficult. I joined Al-Anon in June but am struggling. I found out yesterday that he is already dating someone else casually...I feel so hurt because I feel that while I was patient and could see the amazing person he could be after he became healthy, he wasn't willing to give me the patience and time to become healthy. I will be attending a re-hab for codies in November which is an in-house program for 8 days. I just feel so rejected, unwanted, unloved. I tried talking to him and he said he has made a decision and he is moving on. He doesn't even sound remorseful about it. I feel like that I was the person who went though the tough part and supported him while he was broken and now when I need him to be tough and support me he just ups and finds someone else. He said our relationship had been over for 2 years so dating someone else this quick isn't "quick". It kills me to think he is with someone else and giving her the sober him that I so craved. What is so wrong with me that he can't wait for a good-thing to be fixed. He said he will not be controlled, told what to do, or have anyone tell him how to raise his kids or how bad they are. He will NEVER get into a relationship like that again. I told him that everyone will share their thoughts..doesn't mean they are controlling just that they have an opinion. He says he needs to feel "needed" and that he is social. funny because he used to tell me that I was "too needy" and that he was more a loner and didn't like being around people. It's like after dumping me he's done a 180 degree turn. I'm so crushed...I really love the sober man I feel in love with and now he is giving that to someone else who doesn't even know him. I asked him if he told her that he as an alcoholic and he said that isn't something you bring up in the first couple dates. I told him that if he didn't take the time to make himself healthy he will do to her what he did to me--he got angry and said I was once again trying to control him. I just don't get it...why can't he wait for me to get healthy?
-- Edited by Want to Bloom on Thursday 12th of July 2018 11:34:18 AM
Iamhere said
Jul 12, 2018
Welcome to MIP Want to Bloom....I am sorry for the hurt and pain you are feeling and am glad to hear you are attending Al-Anon meetings. I don't care who we are, when we are rejected by another person, it does sting/hurt. What Al-Anon suggests is that we feel the feelings but not allow them to control us. I am hopeful you are working with a sponsor and have some local phone numbers - both of those suggestions in recovery were very helpful to me when I felt very lost and broken and vulnerable.
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease which has no cure. It's considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic are also affected. The only thing I found that helped me find peace and joy again was recovery and working it as best I could.
I have heard in this program that rejection by one is God's protection. Not sure how that may/may not fit in your scenario, but I have found that when I do the next right thing, one day at a time, I do get to a better place. Keep coming back and know you aren't alone - there is hope and help in recovery!!
starcatcher2 said
Jul 12, 2018
Hi Bloom,
I cant believe you posted EXACTLY what I am going through right now. You can read through my past posts to get an idea, but basically myself and my xABF split up a month ago. We were together for 3 years, two years of which were him binge drinking, cheating, lying etc. This past year he has gotten sober, and we drifted apart. Along the way I slipped into major depression. There was a lot going on. Two days after we broke up (shoot maybe even the same day) he was already on dating web sites. While I am here trying to repair the damage to myself. For investing so much time in him, I lost myself. I am now seeing a therapist, and on an anti-depressant.
The best advice I can give you, is take care of you. I know you want to replay over, and over in your mind how he's not there for you, and how you stood by him (the same things i did/do). You cant let him take up the room in your head, and sabotage your future happiness. If it's meant to be it will be. Maybe when he sees the healthier you, you will reconcile and both will be happier, and maybe not.
I had to come to the conclusion that my ex used me for his benefit. In my time of need he is nowhere to be found. Do I really want someone like that in my life? NOPE! I am sure you are beautiful, smart and loving. You will find someone who will appreciate all that and more.
It will take awhile to swallow that bitter pill, the same with me, I'm working on it. Baby steps. The hardest part is breaking away from the contact. I made sure I deleted his phone number (does not help if its memorized, but at least it's not in my phone), deleted pictures and anything that reminded me of him. It felt like someone was pulling out my insides, but it does get a little easier each day....it's still hard, but we will be ok. Dont let him make you feel any less about yourself. Just keep reminding yourself that he walked out the door, so someone else could walk in. Just focus on you and your recovery.
Xoxo. You are not alone. Message me if you'd like to talk offline.
S
So what to say...I had been dating an alcoholic for seven years (though he insists he was not an alcoholic when I met him). We have had a turbulent relationship to say the least. He went to rehab last year, was sober for 6 months and then fell off the wagon in April. In May I was admitted to hospital after a Mental Breakdown and suicidal thoughts. It was my rock bottom. I told him then, that we both need to time to heal and that we should focus on ourselves only for 6 months and then touch base again. He said that I was holding onto him just until I found someone better (which wasn't true). He then told me it was over. That he hated that I told him that his children were terrible (they are 23 and 18 and spoiled). He had mentioned this in the past and I thought I had stopped but he said I never did. Anyway, after he broke it up, it was very difficult. I joined Al-Anon in June but am struggling. I found out yesterday that he is already dating someone else casually...I feel so hurt because I feel that while I was patient and could see the amazing person he could be after he became healthy, he wasn't willing to give me the patience and time to become healthy. I will be attending a re-hab for codies in November which is an in-house program for 8 days. I just feel so rejected, unwanted, unloved. I tried talking to him and he said he has made a decision and he is moving on. He doesn't even sound remorseful about it. I feel like that I was the person who went though the tough part and supported him while he was broken and now when I need him to be tough and support me he just ups and finds someone else. He said our relationship had been over for 2 years so dating someone else this quick isn't "quick". It kills me to think he is with someone else and giving her the sober him that I so craved. What is so wrong with me that he can't wait for a good-thing to be fixed. He said he will not be controlled, told what to do, or have anyone tell him how to raise his kids or how bad they are. He will NEVER get into a relationship like that again. I told him that everyone will share their thoughts..doesn't mean they are controlling just that they have an opinion. He says he needs to feel "needed" and that he is social. funny because he used to tell me that I was "too needy" and that he was more a loner and didn't like being around people. It's like after dumping me he's done a 180 degree turn. I'm so crushed...I really love the sober man I feel in love with and now he is giving that to someone else who doesn't even know him. I asked him if he told her that he as an alcoholic and he said that isn't something you bring up in the first couple dates. I told him that if he didn't take the time to make himself healthy he will do to her what he did to me--he got angry and said I was once again trying to control him. I just don't get it...why can't he wait for me to get healthy?
-- Edited by Want to Bloom on Thursday 12th of July 2018 11:34:18 AM
Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease which has no cure. It's considered a family disease as most who live with or love an alcoholic are also affected. The only thing I found that helped me find peace and joy again was recovery and working it as best I could.
I have heard in this program that rejection by one is God's protection. Not sure how that may/may not fit in your scenario, but I have found that when I do the next right thing, one day at a time, I do get to a better place. Keep coming back and know you aren't alone - there is hope and help in recovery!!