This past weekend was my ex AHs turn to have our children for the weekend. He also had his older son (10 years). So once the weekend was over and the older son returned to his mother, she contacted me (we have a good relationship) to let me know what her son had told her about his weekend with his dad. He said dad (my XAH) took the 3 children to Walmart to buy beer with him. Then that night he made them go to bed early so he could drink with his friends. He already lives with 4 other guys and more guys joined them and they all drank. The kid said the next morning he went in the living room and there were beer bottles everywhere. Dad did this both nights he had the kids. * Obviously I am concerned about my children being in a beer drinking party, even if theyre asleep in a separate room. Drunk people do stupid and dangerous things and a drunk parent may not protect them properly. Since my XAH would do this with the older child there knowing the older child would report to his mom, I have to assume he does the same when he only has my children who are too young to report anything right now. * I will be discussing this with my lawyer to see what my options are as far as legal custody issues when one parent is an active addict. I dont feel like my kids should have any more overnights over there at all. I thought my ex wasnt drinking on the nights he had them but now I know this is not the case. I thought he was capable of being a grown up parent for at least 4 nights per month but I guess not. I would appreciate any ESH especially from those of you in the US who may have experience with these kinds of custody issues. Thank you.
a4l said
Jul 10, 2018
I'm sure that ESH will be forthcoming. Take care Jayla and I'm glad the kids are ok now and that you have a good relationship with the other ex and fellow mother.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 10, 2018
Jayla .. I will PM you my experience with an active alcoholic and the current issues the kids are going through. Big hugs .. no it's not easy and it is messy.
Bo said
Jul 10, 2018
Speak to your lawyer. Be clear, very clear as to what's going on. And, lean into your alanon program. Spike up your meetings and talk to your sponsor.
Iamhere said
Jul 10, 2018
Jayla - so sorry you are experiencing this and sorry for your kids. In our state, my experience is there does need to be proof (DUI, conviction, etc.) before a judge will intervene in defined custody agreements. I strongly suggest you document all that you can for that process as Serenity suggests, it can get messy....
I too would suggest leaning into your program daily. I will also send you a PM....this is where meetings and fellowship are so very helpful - I am certain there are others with more direct ESH and hope more will share here. My experience is not direct but with friends I've supported. (((Hugs)))
Mattie said
Jul 10, 2018
Write down everything your kids tell you - you may want to video them describing the situation. Keep a detailed record. My lawyer told me that this would help if it came to a custody battle, but when it came down to it, in my case, the fact that I had all the evidence meant that my A didn't even fight me about custody. You might also just suggest that they not stay for overnights, without saying why. Since he puts them to bed early and proceeds to drink half the night, it's clear that he doesn't really care whether they're there overnight or not (although he may pretend to care if he gets defensive). So it might be a relief to him to give them back earlier. My A only liked a little bit of the parenting - too much responsibility interfered with his drinking time. So you might have that going for you too. My lawyer said that if I could get a schedule established that I preferred, and it was well established, usually the court just approves the schedule that's already going. So I established a schedule that limited my A's childcare time, and had no overnights - which I think secretly was a relief to him. I didn't tell him it was because of the drinking, so he didn't get defensive. Then just like my lawyer said, the courts approved it that way, and we were free and clear. Hoping for the same success for you.
This past weekend was my ex AHs turn to have our children for the weekend. He also had his older son (10 years). So once the weekend was over and the older son returned to his mother, she contacted me (we have a good relationship) to let me know what her son had told her about his weekend with his dad. He said dad (my XAH) took the 3 children to Walmart to buy beer with him. Then that night he made them go to bed early so he could drink with his friends. He already lives with 4 other guys and more guys joined them and they all drank. The kid said the next morning he went in the living room and there were beer bottles everywhere. Dad did this both nights he had the kids. * Obviously I am concerned about my children being in a beer drinking party, even if theyre asleep in a separate room. Drunk people do stupid and dangerous things and a drunk parent may not protect them properly. Since my XAH would do this with the older child there knowing the older child would report to his mom, I have to assume he does the same when he only has my children who are too young to report anything right now. * I will be discussing this with my lawyer to see what my options are as far as legal custody issues when one parent is an active addict. I dont feel like my kids should have any more overnights over there at all. I thought my ex wasnt drinking on the nights he had them but now I know this is not the case. I thought he was capable of being a grown up parent for at least 4 nights per month but I guess not. I would appreciate any ESH especially from those of you in the US who may have experience with these kinds of custody issues. Thank you.
I'm sure that ESH will be forthcoming. Take care Jayla and I'm glad the kids are ok now and that you have a good relationship with the other ex and fellow mother.
I too would suggest leaning into your program daily. I will also send you a PM....this is where meetings and fellowship are so very helpful - I am certain there are others with more direct ESH and hope more will share here. My experience is not direct but with friends I've supported. (((Hugs)))
Write down everything your kids tell you - you may want to video them describing the situation. Keep a detailed record. My lawyer told me that this would help if it came to a custody battle, but when it came down to it, in my case, the fact that I had all the evidence meant that my A didn't even fight me about custody. You might also just suggest that they not stay for overnights, without saying why. Since he puts them to bed early and proceeds to drink half the night, it's clear that he doesn't really care whether they're there overnight or not (although he may pretend to care if he gets defensive). So it might be a relief to him to give them back earlier. My A only liked a little bit of the parenting - too much responsibility interfered with his drinking time. So you might have that going for you too. My lawyer said that if I could get a schedule established that I preferred, and it was well established, usually the court just approves the schedule that's already going. So I established a schedule that limited my A's childcare time, and had no overnights - which I think secretly was a relief to him. I didn't tell him it was because of the drinking, so he didn't get defensive. Then just like my lawyer said, the courts approved it that way, and we were free and clear. Hoping for the same success for you.