After I told my bf NO to his ridiculous request from my other thread....

 His next text was, "You still have to let me know how we broke up in one week sometime in the near future.  I'm still shocked.....I was planning on proposing this week and maybe that's why I'm shocked."

Ummm, proposing?  From the man who swears he'll never ever get married again?  Who's been so hyper focused on screwing it to his ex financially over the last 2 months and grumbling about marriage and divorce, etc?  From the man who makes fun of his friends when they decide to get married a second time?  Who made fun of my friend last month and said, "Has S come to her senses yet and decided to NOT get married?"  When I challenged him on all this, he said, "I was just teasing. I thought you'd be thinking of it while you were there and trying to throw you off."

Umm, again....NO.  I almost asked to see a ring receipt but I decided to step off the merry go round since I honestly wasn't interested in marrying him anyway and am pretty certain it is a manipulative ruse to get me to change my mind. He's grasping at straws to keep control of me.  he's losing the $1500 a month i was paying him, too.  He loses the woman who folds everybody's laundry, the one who gives him back rubs on demand, the one who's mostly agreeable and goes along to get along and who doesn't ask for much in return.  His kids are losing a great stepmom too, and I hope he realizes how hard that will be for them.

He's losing a battle and he hates to lose.  He is highly competitive and I know this game because my XAH tried to play similar crap with me.  I'm not buying it.  I was done a few months ago, I just hadn't decided when I was going to pull the plug.  It was a culmination of things since March that really kept pushing me to listen to my intuition.  I had looked at rentals in April but hadn't found what I wanted so I just kept waiting.  We didn't break up in 'one week'. 

And, I love how he can go from accusing me of cheating last week to now saying he was going to propose???  On a work incentive trip, no less, and with his kids there?  Gee, that sounds so romantic!  

So, I am just ignoring his attempts to defend his position.  I'm done engaging unless it's something we need to talk about logistically.  And, honestly, I don't need to explain anything to him about why I ended things.  I made a choice to NOT be in a relationship with him, it wasn't working for me.  That's a good enough reason and I know it hurts to hear someone just say it that way but any other explanation will not sink in with him.  He isn't ready to see his part, he doesn't understand the dynamic we had.  He seems clueless as to how he truly 'is' in a relationship.  I hope he does meet someone who can help him see.......but truly on God can do that with his help!

To me, this is another situation where we can look at -- and focus on -- ourselves. I've learned over my many years in program, my experience is that it doesn't matter what the other person is doing or was going to do. It doesn't matter if it is true, false, posturing, guilt, blame, whatever. It is an opportunity to look at me -- and for me to do the next right thing, for me, for me to be happy and healthy. Propose? OK, what I would I have done. Say no. OK, why? What's acceptable, not acceptable, what do I want, what's best for me, etc. The screwing his ex, financially, speaks volumes to me. For me, that's who a person is. I don't care if it's vindictive, opportunistic, retribution, whatever -- it doesn't matter. I don't judge, I look at who a person is, is being. It's obvious that of course he has an answer that suits his argument/position when challenged on it. Me, I don't challenge. To what end?

I love how you decided to step off the merry-go-round!!! I love it!!! I absolutely see it has manipulation, more, the manipulative blame -- see, now you don't get it and it's your doing, your fault, etc. Gee, thanks...for nothing! LOL. No kidding it wasn't in one week. Throughout this entire saga, you kept your head where your feet were, kept grounded, and kept focusing on you. I admire and respect everything you've done. I agree that you don't need to explain -- nor do you need to be an audience for him to defend his position, make statements, point fingers, blame, manipulate, etc.  Being done engaging -- is detachment, from the unhealthy person and unhealthy situation. That too is good for you. When I ended things with my ex, I limited my language to "this is not healthy for me" and "I am not happy" and simply me keeping it in the I...I...I...and never once saying you did this or you did that, nothing about you, you, you.

My ex too was clueless. There's many reasons why a person can be in this place -- and again, while I don't analyze, my ex was emotionally incapable of feeling love, joy, happiness. She was emotionally empty and not able to bring in, generate, and sustain love. Some people tend to lash out at the person they (think) they love -- but what they think is so distorted, so based upon poor history, facts, circumstances, etc. My ex was emotionally bankrupt. She had no idea how she was -- what type of person she was -- inside of a relationship. Before, when I was unhealthy, I wanted her to see her role, and when she couldn't...I wanted to show her! I wanted to prove, I wanted to be right.

Anyway -- congratulations on all the great things that are happening for you. You deserve it -- and more -- and the more, the abundance, will come to you.

This will be a test of your recovery also Andromeda.  When I finally accepted as real and true that Alcoholism, not only the drinking side, was a disease of the mind, the body, the spirit and the emotions the craziness started to make sense and I was able to make and stick to my decisions for my own recovery.  Keep on keeping on.  ((((hugs)))) 

I admire your strength. It is really cool to witness.  Knowing that there are times when the deep need to be loved can have me hesitating to see if the sheep is really a sheep despite having seen the wolves jaws beneath the veneer. Really great example of recovery at work, thanks for sharing it.

You are so right Andromeda. Just incase I came across the wrong way, I was definitely referring to my own historic trait of beleiving/fearing that there was a limited supply of love.  Honestly, situations like the one you have described would have me in the throws of anxiety.  I still have to watch that. It is so cool watching others grow and thrive.  It reminds me that there is hope and not to give up.

Wow, this is certainly a twist in the story, isn't it?  Let's say he was going to propose.  (In between accusations that you were cheating.)  Why mention it now?  Why not just shake his head sadly and think to himself, "Good thing I didn't embarrass myself like that - I didn't realize that our relationship wasn't on such a strong footing."  Instead he's trying to throw it in your face like "Look what you missed out on, Miss Uppity Pants!"  Like, "See, if only you'd kept quiet, you could be Engaged To Me!!"  As if you'd been deliriously happy up till last week, and would have accepted with joy, and then all of a sudden one day for no reason you decided, "Naw, I think actually I'll leave."  He's really showing how irrationally he thinks when he gets angry.  Just - golly.  {{{Hugs}}}

 I'm ready to continue growing in loving myself. Toxic and dysfunctional love is NOT where it's at!

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 (((((((((((((((Andromeda)))))))))))))))))) you sound so wonderfully strong and balanced and centered...LOVE it LOVE it.....and now the proposal that you know is manipulation and you are aware.......Aware that this relationship is toxic...You want to be in a better place....His place, you've outgrown ....and I agree with Bo about the "screwing his X financially"  that speaks volumes about where he is, what he is and its just not healthy..

I am sooooo proud of you, coming so far since I have known you here...I'm glad I decided to stop and and surf the posts.....this makes me smile..When I see  a recovery mate applying the program and standing to it.................GOOD job!!!  GREAT job!!!! 

When it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck.... sometimes, it really IS a duck!

Sounds like a wee bit of passive/aggressive manipulation on his part???  I agree with the other comments - good exercise for you to be able to stay on your own side of the street.

T