Courage to make him leave, how to make him stay away
Almosthip said
Jul 9, 2018
I have been married for 18 years. My husband is a drinker and a cocaine addict. I finally had courage to make him leave 3 weeks ago. He did have a safe place to stay, but he doesn't anymore. Hes begging me to come home, stating I am making him sleep in the streets. I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which still live at home with me. I am trying so hard to be strong for them and not let him come home. We live on the other side of the country to any of our families. He keeps saying it is my fault hes homeless.
Tude said
Jul 9, 2018
(((almosthip))) I had trouble sticking to my ultimatums with my ex. I went back more than once too soon. I'm so glad you're here. This program helps me realize the disease of addiction, how to live life on life's terms and be at peace. Only you know what your relationship is like. You'll find no judgement calls here. The drugs around the kids is a tough one for sure! He has chosen to live on the streets when he chose to not get help? Just my experience with the blame game. And, it's a very draining game. Hope you keep coming back. Alcohol is a disease that effects all of us in the relationship with them and.......even when we are not. The coping skills I learned from the time I grew up in an alcoholic home, did not work for me. I learned new ones that are healthy in alanon.
HUgs
Bo said
Jul 10, 2018
Almosthip wrote:
I have been married for 18 years. My husband is a drinker and a cocaine addict. I finally had courage to make him leave 3 weeks ago. He did have a safe place to stay, but he doesn't anymore. Hes begging me to come home, stating I am making him sleep in the streets. I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which still live at home with me. I am trying so hard to be strong for them and not let him come home. We live on the other side of the country to any of our families. He keeps saying it is my fault hes homeless.
First things first, IT -- whatever IT is -- is NOT your fault. Remember the 3C's? Well, that's about alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic...and it can be applied to everything! Alanon can be applied to everything. Step One, powerless, etc. -- acceptance over, about, whatever we are struggling with. Specifically, my point -- his circumstances are NOT your fault. That's his denial, blame, deflection, guilt, etc. I admire and respect the decision you made.
He chose to go stay someplace...did he chose to get help? Detox? Rehab? IOP? AA/NA? If, and I say IF, you let him come back, and he is using, starts using, whatever -- you won't be able to get him to leave!!! Because he knows you are capable of making him leave and not letting him come back, so, he won't leave!!! Focus on YOU, and what's in front of you. The next thing in front of you. What is best, healthiest, for you, your kids.
Go to meetings, spike up your meetings, and talk to your sponsor!!!
SerenityRUS said
Jul 10, 2018
Big hugs and very glad you are here.
His choices and decisions are why he's having the consequences he is currently having. Those are not about you .. when I make good choices I get good consequences .. when I make bad choices I get bad consequences. His life choices regardless if he is an addict or not are his and HE is responsible for them.
One of the best shares I ever heard or read I can't remember which it is was .. yes .. I am an alcoholic and I am sick .. I am still responsible for my choices good or bad and regardless if I am in recovery or not.
While my gut instinct is that NO is a complete sentence .. I encourage you to find your strength and support at alanon meetings and finding your tribe. It can be very difficult to see through the alcoholic fog even though I wasn't drinking I had the secondary high of the addiction to drama.
Alanon taught me to say what I mean mean what I say and not to say it mean .. although I struggle with that last one .. LOL. I find saying nothing is probably better for me because the natural consequences of the situation usually play out. I do all this worry and fretting to have the situation resolve without any input from me in the least.
This too shall pass, maybe like a kidney stone however it will pass.
Hugs S :)
mamalioness said
Jul 11, 2018
typical addict: Blame the others...Never take responsibility for their actions....Until, and I say UNTIL he gets into recovery, it will always be your fault or someone elses...he could go to a rehab and not be "homeless" He could go to AA, NA, rehab, clinic, there HAS to be a place for him to reach out for help IF he wanted it.....IF you let him back?? You will never get him out again because he will know hes "got you" where he wants...put pressure, you give in, etc., and the NEXT time, he just may refuse to leave...Best he stay out and suffer consequences an MAYBE he will be forced to get help.....Stay strong...Find a meeting...Find a recovery mate or sponsor you can work on you with....keep the focus on you....those kids need at least ONE sober and sane parent, otherwise they are at great risk of ending up in program themselves because of all the mental damage this is doing....you can't help the husband, but you can help you and those poor kids having to deal with this......so its "your fault hes homeless" huh?? I've heard that a bunch of times....My fault for HIS choices....my fault HE is reaping the karma he made....yep.....I don't have the power to "make someone" homeless or "make them" drink or otherwise mess up their lives....its all on them..................
I have been married for 18 years. My husband is a drinker and a cocaine addict. I finally had courage to make him leave 3 weeks ago. He did have a safe place to stay, but he doesn't anymore. Hes begging me to come home, stating I am making him sleep in the streets. I have 3 teenagers, 2 of which still live at home with me. I am trying so hard to be strong for them and not let him come home. We live on the other side of the country to any of our families. He keeps saying it is my fault hes homeless.
HUgs
First things first, IT -- whatever IT is -- is NOT your fault. Remember the 3C's? Well, that's about alcohol, alcoholism, and the alcoholic...and it can be applied to everything! Alanon can be applied to everything. Step One, powerless, etc. -- acceptance over, about, whatever we are struggling with. Specifically, my point -- his circumstances are NOT your fault. That's his denial, blame, deflection, guilt, etc. I admire and respect the decision you made.
He chose to go stay someplace...did he chose to get help? Detox? Rehab? IOP? AA/NA? If, and I say IF, you let him come back, and he is using, starts using, whatever -- you won't be able to get him to leave!!! Because he knows you are capable of making him leave and not letting him come back, so, he won't leave!!! Focus on YOU, and what's in front of you. The next thing in front of you. What is best, healthiest, for you, your kids.
Go to meetings, spike up your meetings, and talk to your sponsor!!!
His choices and decisions are why he's having the consequences he is currently having. Those are not about you .. when I make good choices I get good consequences .. when I make bad choices I get bad consequences. His life choices regardless if he is an addict or not are his and HE is responsible for them.
One of the best shares I ever heard or read I can't remember which it is was .. yes .. I am an alcoholic and I am sick .. I am still responsible for my choices good or bad and regardless if I am in recovery or not.
While my gut instinct is that NO is a complete sentence .. I encourage you to find your strength and support at alanon meetings and finding your tribe. It can be very difficult to see through the alcoholic fog even though I wasn't drinking I had the secondary high of the addiction to drama.
Alanon taught me to say what I mean mean what I say and not to say it mean .. although I struggle with that last one .. LOL. I find saying nothing is probably better for me because the natural consequences of the situation usually play out. I do all this worry and fretting to have the situation resolve without any input from me in the least.
This too shall pass, maybe like a kidney stone however it will pass.
Hugs S :)
typical addict: Blame the others...Never take responsibility for their actions....Until, and I say UNTIL he gets into recovery, it will always be your fault or someone elses...he could go to a rehab and not be "homeless" He could go to AA, NA, rehab, clinic, there HAS to be a place for him to reach out for help IF he wanted it.....IF you let him back?? You will never get him out again because he will know hes "got you" where he wants...put pressure, you give in, etc., and the NEXT time, he just may refuse to leave...Best he stay out and suffer consequences an MAYBE he will be forced to get help.....Stay strong...Find a meeting...Find a recovery mate or sponsor you can work on you with....keep the focus on you....those kids need at least ONE sober and sane parent, otherwise they are at great risk of ending up in program themselves because of all the mental damage this is doing....you can't help the husband, but you can help you and those poor kids having to deal with this......so its "your fault hes homeless" huh?? I've heard that a bunch of times....My fault for HIS choices....my fault HE is reaping the karma he made....yep.....I don't have the power to "make someone" homeless or "make them" drink or otherwise mess up their lives....its all on them..................