-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 07:42:38 AM
mamalioness said
Jul 7, 2018
I know this has zero to do with alanon....sorry I put it here, but I had to "write it out" so I can "sort it out".....I'm just going to pm the parents on facebook and say "thanks for invite, but I won't be available" and wish the kid well.....
I don't know how to delete a post....so I guess it stays.....it felt good to write it out....last night I needed some support, but today, I will talk with my BFF who is "AA'er" and I'll get her perspective on this....for over 20 years, I was friends with these people and THEY kicked ME to the curb...Even when I tried to get us all talking it out...I did my part and was rejected..Then came acceptance on my part....I moved on.....I saw where I really stood with them so lets just leave it at that...I forgive, but my feelings towards them changed from so called "family member" to just a neighbor to them and God forbid that I defend my boundaries.......I want to be cordial, but I don't want to reconcile with them...
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 06:58:03 AM
hotrod said
Jul 7, 2018
((Rose)) Since entering program I have embraced the principle of treating everyone with courtesy and respeet So I think I would try to do the same with these people. Good luck
mamalioness said
Jul 7, 2018
Betty, even in the face of cold shoulders, etc., I have acted with respect and will always do that...I do not want to go to any of their drinking events and even so...My relationship with them has changed...I accepted it but would never be cruel to them.....I will thank them for the invite, but I will not be available..I just no longer want to share their events with them that always mean "put some $$ in a card" the inference is always there...#1, I don't have it #2, things have changed...but I promise you, I always try and treat folks with respect....When the daughter told me to "go F myself" I told her she was no longer welcome on my property, to talk to me, to interact with me in anyway, and I informed her (without yelling and cussing like she did to me) that any tresspassing will be a phone call to the police....I can stand up for me w/out returning their cruelty and rudeness....Al-anon taught me to love and take care of myself.....say what I mean, mean what I say w/out saying it mean....I am doing that...Al-anon also taught me I have the right to say "NO" and leave it at that and Al-anon also taught me that being kind, honest does NOT mean accepting the unacceptable......I know what you are saying...and I agree...I also agree that #1 priority is to take care of me and do the next right thing by me.......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 07:14:33 AM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 07:17:37 AM
mamalioness said
Jul 7, 2018
I forgot!!! I have a facebook page women supporting other women and I put this there......I tried to delete this post but because Betty was so kind to give me a reply, I could not take it down...
MOST of my posts , perhaps, won't be about the living with alcoholism since I distanced myself from my active addicts, so maybe my posts here when I need some ESH are just not alanon appropriate....
its not bad , It just is...I've changed...My focus is to be kind, honest and true, but also apply those attributes to ME too...and so , yea, I like to come here and lend a hand, but last night I needed a hand but came to the wrong place for it....I put it on my ladies group and will get the support/feedback I need......
I feel very uncomfortable about this because NOW I have to answer...deal...acknowledge this unwanted invite by now unwanted people in my life and it isn't simple because there is a young girl involved....Thinking more rationally today, I doubt she will notice, my absence, LOL, but after numerous attempts on my part to repair the damaged relationship with this family and failing, I have moved on in acceptance...and moving on means moving on...Not going to their parties or "hanging out" with them, NOT giving $$ I don't have to folks whose lives I am no longer even a small part of....be kind...be nice...be fair....and that means to me too
I'll jump on here as much as I can, after I take care of me and my needs and give some support, but because I have changed re: dealing with alcoholism and dysfunctional people, I need to hang out "next door" more as I really am more of an "ACA'r" then here.....Again....Change...and change isn't bad all the time....its just change.................cheers mates!!!!
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 08:01:52 AM
hotrod said
Jul 7, 2018
((Rose))
mamalioness said
Jul 7, 2018
I just pm'd the mom...I thanked her for the invite, but informed her that I would be unavailable that day and that I wished her daughter a very happy time on her special day......Short....sweet....kind...no "JADE'ing" just kept it simple....
hotrod said
Jul 7, 2018
Great Good move
mamalioness said
Jul 7, 2018
whew!!! I still sorta doubt me at times...I put this on my 2 other sites and got LOADS of just what I need...Oh, not enabling or anything like that, but the true, program strong ESH and the validation that I do exist and that I do matter and it felt good...Everyone supported my kind, albeit brief response to the mother in a facebook pm (which, we are not friends, LOL) I said to mom:
"Dear N: I was so surprised to find a card in my mail box, no notes or anything on it, but I assume it was for me since it was in my box......I wish your daughter a very happy 15th birthday (my time has flown) but on that day, I will be gone all day...I wish you and yours a fun time during this special event......
I hit the send button and felt good about how I handled this "could have been" touchy subject...Sometimes i doubt myself in my responses, my posts, etc., thinking that maybe "the monsters were right" in that I have nothing to offer the world but after prayer with my HP and sharing with trusted others, I am back within the guard rails of a good program...It is OK to say "no" it is OK to share my feelings, issues, angst, doubts, if it matters to me?? then it matters to my maker and my recovery mates who can relate to me...its OK to be a bit needing of re-assurance and maybe even some TLC and a hug...I think of this as a give and take program......we are Interdependent on each other in that I need my recovery mates--they need me...and that applies to life in general...I'm learning that..I'm learning that it is OK to reach out if I need help or support in some way....
and a wise person whose opinions I love like I do them said to me in a private message regarding this experience of mine that "this is a fellowship of equals". AND it is...and I am an EQUAL because I am part of the 12 steps fellowship..
thank you for letting me share
JerryF said
Jul 7, 2018
Rose you (for me) are such a beautiful, normal, courageous person...Yay for me cause I live by others examples. It just so happened this morning at my meeting that the sharing was all about changing the things we can without fears. We have a no smoking caveat which some smokers just will not follow to the point of having their egos' confronted by the membership. Sad. For me if I am at other than my home groups I will speak up then walk. This morning one of the "Oh now I get it" people who also is quitting smoking was a former sponsee...we smiled. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
tiredtonite said
Jul 7, 2018
Hi Rose,
Sounds like you handled this situation with a lot of class and dignity. I'm grateful for you're a part of our family here and that you keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT
Finding grace said
Jul 13, 2018
I agree that it seems you handled the situation with class and grace. I have been put in these types of awkward situations many times, I hope in the future I will always handle things as well as you have. Thanks for sharing, I am also glad that you are a part of the MIP family.
not alanon material...
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 07:42:38 AM
I know this has zero to do with alanon....sorry I put it here, but I had to "write it out" so I can "sort it out".....I'm just going to pm the parents on facebook and say "thanks for invite, but I won't be available" and wish the kid well.....
I don't know how to delete a post....so I guess it stays.....it felt good to write it out....last night I needed some support, but today, I will talk with my BFF who is "AA'er" and I'll get her perspective on this....for over 20 years, I was friends with these people and THEY kicked ME to the curb...Even when I tried to get us all talking it out...I did my part and was rejected..Then came acceptance on my part....I moved on.....I saw where I really stood with them so lets just leave it at that...I forgive, but my feelings towards them changed from so called "family member" to just a neighbor to them and God forbid that I defend my boundaries.......I want to be cordial, but I don't want to reconcile with them...
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 06:58:03 AM
Betty, even in the face of cold shoulders, etc., I have acted with respect and will always do that...I do not want to go to any of their drinking events and even so...My relationship with them has changed...I accepted it but would never be cruel to them.....I will thank them for the invite, but I will not be available..I just no longer want to share their events with them that always mean "put some $$ in a card" the inference is always there...#1, I don't have it #2, things have changed...but I promise you, I always try and treat folks with respect....When the daughter told me to "go F myself" I told her she was no longer welcome on my property, to talk to me, to interact with me in anyway, and I informed her (without yelling and cussing like she did to me) that any tresspassing will be a phone call to the police....I can stand up for me w/out returning their cruelty and rudeness....Al-anon taught me to love and take care of myself.....say what I mean, mean what I say w/out saying it mean....I am doing that...Al-anon also taught me I have the right to say "NO" and leave it at that and Al-anon also taught me that being kind, honest does NOT mean accepting the unacceptable......I know what you are saying...and I agree...I also agree that #1 priority is to take care of me and do the next right thing by me.......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 07:14:33 AM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 07:17:37 AM
I forgot!!! I have a facebook page women supporting other women and I put this there......I tried to delete this post but because Betty was so kind to give me a reply, I could not take it down...
MOST of my posts , perhaps, won't be about the living with alcoholism since I distanced myself from my active addicts, so maybe my posts here when I need some ESH are just not alanon appropriate....
its not bad , It just is...I've changed...My focus is to be kind, honest and true, but also apply those attributes to ME too...and so , yea, I like to come here and lend a hand, but last night I needed a hand but came to the wrong place for it....I put it on my ladies group and will get the support/feedback I need......
I feel very uncomfortable about this because NOW I have to answer...deal...acknowledge this unwanted invite by now unwanted people in my life and it isn't simple because there is a young girl involved....Thinking more rationally today, I doubt she will notice, my absence, LOL, but after numerous attempts on my part to repair the damaged relationship with this family and failing, I have moved on in acceptance...and moving on means moving on...Not going to their parties or "hanging out" with them, NOT giving $$ I don't have to folks whose lives I am no longer even a small part of....be kind...be nice...be fair....and that means to me too
I'll jump on here as much as I can, after I take care of me and my needs and give some support, but because I have changed re: dealing with alcoholism and dysfunctional people, I need to hang out "next door" more as I really am more of an "ACA'r" then here.....Again....Change...and change isn't bad all the time....its just change.................cheers mates!!!!
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 7th of July 2018 08:01:52 AM
"Dear N: I was so surprised to find a card in my mail box, no notes or anything on it, but I assume it was for me since it was in my box......I wish your daughter a very happy 15th birthday (my time has flown) but on that day, I will be gone all day...I wish you and yours a fun time during this special event......
I hit the send button and felt good about how I handled this "could have been" touchy subject...Sometimes i doubt myself in my responses, my posts, etc., thinking that maybe "the monsters were right" in that I have nothing to offer the world but after prayer with my HP and sharing with trusted others, I am back within the guard rails of a good program...It is OK to say "no" it is OK to share my feelings, issues, angst, doubts, if it matters to me?? then it matters to my maker and my recovery mates who can relate to me...its OK to be a bit needing of re-assurance and maybe even some TLC and a hug...I think of this as a give and take program......we are Interdependent on each other in that I need my recovery mates--they need me...and that applies to life in general...I'm learning that..I'm learning that it is OK to reach out if I need help or support in some way....
and a wise person whose opinions I love like I do them said to me in a private message regarding this experience of mine that "this is a fellowship of equals". AND it is...and I am an EQUAL because I am part of the 12 steps fellowship..
thank you for letting me share
Rose you (for me) are such a beautiful, normal, courageous person...Yay for me cause I live by others examples. It just so happened this morning at my meeting that the sharing was all about changing the things we can without fears. We have a no smoking caveat which some smokers just will not follow to the point of having their egos' confronted by the membership. Sad. For me if I am at other than my home groups I will speak up then walk. This morning one of the "Oh now I get it" people who also is quitting smoking was a former sponsee...we smiled. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Hi Rose,
Sounds like you handled this situation with a lot of class and dignity. I'm grateful for you're a part of our family here and that you keep coming back. (((hugs))) TT