SO, my bf decided to tell his kids about us breaking up tonight. They are in Portland staying downtown and he had planned a fun night of watching fireworks and hanging out downtown. It sounded fun. Instead he texted me earlier and told me, "Not sure how to tel the girls." I told him I'm sorry and that I'm so very sorry and that it sucks". A few hours later he texts me, "E's crying" Referring to his oldest daughter whom I had the closer connection to. Why? why did he tell them on the 4th of July? Why didn't he wait until after the end of the cruise next Saturday and just tell the kids that something came up and I couldn't make it on the cruise? WTF is wrong with him? She will always remember the 4h of July as the holiday where he dad told her this big bad news! Ask me how I know?????
Because my dad called me on my 19th birthday to tell me that my parents were getting a divorce and then follows it up with, "OH,and how are finals going?" SERIOUSLY! I will never forget that day. And, now I see that I am just getting more information about him. Makes me so glad that I'm choosing to move on but my heart hurts so badly for his children. So dang hard and I hurt so much for them. I love them. And, I'm so angry at him for handling this in this way with them!! He originally told me he didn't want to ruin their vacation. Well, nice job dude. I don't understand why he couldn't have waited. sigh......I'm not in a good place.
mamalioness said
Jul 4, 2018
hey ((((Andromeda))) Well, my take is he WANTED to do this this way for drama affect and also, like a lot of un-recovering Alcoholics, he is selfish and self centered..Doesn't care about anyone's feelings but his own.....Please don't fret yourself, you didn't do this..you didn't cause this..you can't control this...this is HIS last shot at you and he's hurting the kids to do it.......they (A's) will use anyone they can to get that last "jab" in....So sorry he did this to the kids...Really sorry about that, but you aren't at fault....Do you have a recovery mate you can call??? a friend??? someone whom you can get a bit of TLC from???? Reach out if you can....and vent here ALL you need to.......So sorry for you and those poor kids....
Iamhere said
Jul 4, 2018
(((B))) - hugs sweetie.....not being in a 'good place' is understandable. Even when we decide to walk from toxic situations, grieving is real. Take good care of you and lean into the program and tools to find your center again when you can. You've got so much going on -- don't forget to be gentle with yourself.
As far as him, his timing, etc. do what you can to let it go. It's already in the past and while the timing might suck, it's done. QTIP comes to mind simply because I am quite certain he wasn't thinking about you or anything beyond getting the message out. Part of my work in recovery includes working hard to refocus on me instead of why another is doing/saying what they are. It just never ends well and I can create conspiracy theories in my own mind.
Do you, keep moving forward and trust your gut, program and the process. Find me if you want/need to! Love and light sweet friend!!
andromeda said
Jul 4, 2018
Thank you ladies. You know, he wasn't an alcoholic but his whole family is full of them. He can't comprehend alcoholism. He shut his sister out of his life for years because of her alcoholism. It's sad, really. I should have seen the signs.
mamalioness said
Jul 4, 2018
Thank you ladies. You know, he wasn't an alcoholic but his whole family is full of them. It's sad, really. I should have seen the signs.
Hey lady bug..oooops I thought he was an A , too....sorry...however growing up with it, he developed the "isms" of the disease and he desperately needs Al-anon to sort himself out...Hes troubled..dysfunctional at best.......Its hard when you care about someone to heed the signs..I am sure a bright young lady like you saw them, but like me, you didn't want to accept it....Now you have come to acceptance and you are taking your life back.......sending you big support ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
a4l said
Jul 5, 2018
This sounds like emotional manipulation to me. And compassionately, as unfair as it is for a bio parent to do that to the kids, he's probably powerless to stop himself. And so are you to alter his course. Take care of you, mentally and emotionally. Maybe a grace period of no contact for a few weeks could help, let the emotions settle on both sides, a period which your under no obligation to alter at the conclusion of the time if it doesn't suit you. This is a person who has manouevered the mother of his children into power and control games, it's seems that is what he does when he's emotionally hurt. You're not obliged to play that game. As for seeing the signs...throw a frog into boiling water it will jump out. Slowly increase the temperature on the other hand it will boil to death. The water got uncomfortably warm. You were aware enough to realise. That's a blessing and a credit to the years of work you've put in to your recovery. The girls will remember kindness which is a forever treasure even if its not allowed to be expressed. Sad, but not your doing. Take good care.
JerryF said
Jul 5, 2018
My sponsor taught and gave me a thought force for this kind of situation which I didn't handle very well back then, "What can I do or be doing when things aren't going my way"? He also handed me the expectation of finding the answers to that question or suffer the consequences without his continued support. There are many responses I have now to that question all about bringing me peace of mind and serenity. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." is just one of them. "Its not all about me is another", "give grace" is a quiet and loving one. There are many. I feel your anger and it sounds strange coming from Andromeda and then you are allowed. Keep coming (((((hugs))))) back.
Mattie said
Jul 5, 2018
Another question is: why did he tell you that he told them tonight? That E was crying? It's sort of a "See what you made me do? See how you made us cry?" kind of moment, isn't it? It sure sounds as if whatever emotional health he has goes out the door when he gets angry. So much drama coming from his end. I wonder if you might want to put a 24-hour delay on messages from him. They try their hardest to sweep us into the whirlpool. Hang in there!
Iamhere said
Jul 5, 2018
(((B))) - insanity is not limited to those of us who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. When things go vastly different than planned, wanted or what I think is right, I really have to go back to Step 1 - owning that I am powerless over others and it's making me slide backwards towards the crazies.
J-A-D-E popped into my head this AM - you really have no need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Clearly he is hurting and his reactions are coming from someone who has no recovery and sees no need for it. Denial is larger than alcoholism too and without recovery or self-searching, it's very hard to see and own our part.
I know your heart is hurting for his kids. They did not ask for 'this' and yet here it is. His timing aside, just like us, they will learn from this too. We all know as adults that people come and people go and each teaches us more about ourselves and what works for us and what does not. In spite of what they're told, they will remember you as kind and gentle with grace, as that's your true self. Keep taking care of you and keep doing you and know it will all be OK.
Hang in there sweetie - I see him reacting as most would who don't have a good support system or recovery. Nothing he says or does is about you or who you are...praying for a smooth move and a lovely fresh start in your new digs!!! (((Hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Jul 5, 2018
Bonnie,
I'm throwing a different probably non alanon spin on all of this however that was BS! It's a form of control through fear and manipulation as to LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! I remember my XSAF (sorry .. LOL), when I was 19 I totaled my mom's car .. she was in Hawaii 40th Class Reunion having the time of her life .. and it was a couple days before she came home .. I ASKED him to wait to tell her I would tell her when I picked her up at the airport. That SOB told her on the morning of her last day there .. who does that?? Someone who is very sick. Soooo .. her last day memories are her obsessing about the car the flight home obsessing and of course he never told me he had done this. So I pick my mom up and didn't understand why she was mad at me right when she got off the plane. I mean seriously I had to own it .. LOL .. what was I going to say sorry mom I traded your car in for the Wonder Woman invisible plane?? I was FURIOUS about it for some reason when I was younger I was WAY wiser .. LOL .. I asked her .. why do you think he did that because what were you going to do about the car? I was fine. The car was totaled .. what could YOU do during that time.
That's my point .. my SF had to make it about what I did wrong .. the only concern he had was I was not going to get into the kind of trouble I should have .. and YES I know because he verbalized that big time.
I try to remember that when dealing with my own situations .. how important is it .. and can it wait. He could have waited and like a child on Christmas with information that could have waited .. and whatever his motives were .. that's on him.
There has always been a clear case of ism's with that man. It doesn't have to be immediate family .. it can be behavior of someone else .. I go back to the movie Saving Mr. Banks and the untreated alanon that was there it was soooo sad. To live so unaware that fears consume and past behavior overrules the joys of today.
Anyway, .. big HUGS .. I am so sorry .. it sounds like you are doing it well my friend moving through with your program in tact and I would not be looking in that rearview mirror today .. today I would focus on the next right thing.
S :)
Jen61 said
Jul 5, 2018
I think he is trying to make you out the bad guy and not him. Very sad.
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2018
Hey Andromeda. Maybe your HP is letting this all come down the pike right now to show you that you are doing the right thing, kicking this selfish, manipulative person to the curb. When they stoop so low as to hurt a child to get back at their significant other, I have not much mercy for people like that. And to tell you that one of them was crying, it was almost like he is saying to you that you caused this. Throw all the blame on you , They are real good at that. I am hoping today is a better day for you, and I am sending you good karma to find a really nice flat for you to be safe and happy in.
andromeda said
Jul 5, 2018
Thank you all. I'm not sure what the motivation is because i'm not in his head. Today he texted, "K said that if she ever sees you again, she's not going to speak to you. She's too funny!"
He thinks his kids insensitive comments are funny. He's always felt that way. Every time he says or does something insensitive, dismissive, or if it reeks of manipulation, I can be thankful that I made the choice I did. I'm going to focus on my future and getting financially secure because this move is costing me a lot, LOL!
SerenityRUS said
Jul 5, 2018
That last statement is so not ok .. I think as you look back you will see how large the bullet was you dodged.. .i'm so sorry.
andromeda said
Jul 5, 2018
Thank you, Serenity. I am learning as I go. Once I get past the financial setback and on the right track with work, I'll feel more confident in my path. But, either way, I know that God is with me!
mamalioness said
Jul 5, 2018
Well, just remember, YOU are gonna go forward in a good way...lets hope that one day he can get into recovery and sort himself out because if he doesn't , life will be hard on him...what an awful thing to text to you....and yes...I am glad to see that you are grateful to yourself and your HP for making the move to take care of you and get your life back.....You've got courage, kindness, grace and just good smarts....I've known you on here for a while now and recovery is looking better and better on you......as they say in the commercial back in the day "you've come a long way baby" keep up the great work...and oh yea, moving is expensive...its been 23 years or so for me, now, but omg., In the past, and to/from different states, I moved a BUNCH of times and yea, set me back, but it was for the positive...I was always glad I did, after I recovered financially, LOL
Iamhere said
Jul 6, 2018
(((B))) - continued thoughts and prayers girl....you got this!!!
Mattie said
Jul 6, 2018
Wow, that comment of his...!
I used to think that when men were at their most loving and kind to me, that was the "real" them that they sometimes abandoned. Now I think that the angry one is just as much the real person, maybe more... It's how they behave when they're angry that shows what's at the bottom of their personalities. And the kicker is that he obviously has no idea how he's coming across. So disappointing. But a real testament to your emotional health that you're getting away from it. I'll just add one wise thing that my friend told me when my ex behaved like a crazy person: "At least he's never given you cause to regret leaving." !
-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 6th of July 2018 11:29:15 AM
andromeda said
Jul 6, 2018
Mattie, there was another comment after that. HIs ex wife reached out to me today and thanked me for being so good to the girls. She told me I deserved better. She also told me that she would love to get me together with the girls afterwards and allow me to be in their lives in the future if the girls are open to it.
SO, my bf decided to tell his kids about us breaking up tonight. They are in Portland staying downtown and he had planned a fun night of watching fireworks and hanging out downtown. It sounded fun. Instead he texted me earlier and told me, "Not sure how to tel the girls." I told him I'm sorry and that I'm so very sorry and that it sucks". A few hours later he texts me, "E's crying" Referring to his oldest daughter whom I had the closer connection to. Why? why did he tell them on the 4th of July? Why didn't he wait until after the end of the cruise next Saturday and just tell the kids that something came up and I couldn't make it on the cruise? WTF is wrong with him? She will always remember the 4h of July as the holiday where he dad told her this big bad news! Ask me how I know?????
Because my dad called me on my 19th birthday to tell me that my parents were getting a divorce and then follows it up with, "OH,and how are finals going?" SERIOUSLY! I will never forget that day. And, now I see that I am just getting more information about him. Makes me so glad that I'm choosing to move on but my heart hurts so badly for his children. So dang hard and I hurt so much for them. I love them. And, I'm so angry at him for handling this in this way with them!! He originally told me he didn't want to ruin their vacation. Well, nice job dude. I don't understand why he couldn't have waited. sigh......I'm not in a good place.
As far as him, his timing, etc. do what you can to let it go. It's already in the past and while the timing might suck, it's done. QTIP comes to mind simply because I am quite certain he wasn't thinking about you or anything beyond getting the message out. Part of my work in recovery includes working hard to refocus on me instead of why another is doing/saying what they are. It just never ends well and I can create conspiracy theories in my own mind.
Do you, keep moving forward and trust your gut, program and the process. Find me if you want/need to! Love and light sweet friend!!
Hey lady bug..oooops I thought he was an A , too....sorry...however growing up with it, he developed the "isms" of the disease and he desperately needs Al-anon to sort himself out...Hes troubled..dysfunctional at best.......Its hard when you care about someone to heed the signs..I am sure a bright young lady like you saw them, but like me, you didn't want to accept it....Now you have come to acceptance and you are taking your life back.......sending you big support ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
My sponsor taught and gave me a thought force for this kind of situation which I didn't handle very well back then, "What can I do or be doing when things aren't going my way"? He also handed me the expectation of finding the answers to that question or suffer the consequences without his continued support. There are many responses I have now to that question all about bringing me peace of mind and serenity. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems..." is just one of them. "Its not all about me is another", "give grace" is a quiet and loving one. There are many. I feel your anger and it sounds strange coming from Andromeda and then you are allowed. Keep coming (((((hugs))))) back.
Another question is: why did he tell you that he told them tonight? That E was crying? It's sort of a "See what you made me do? See how you made us cry?" kind of moment, isn't it? It sure sounds as if whatever emotional health he has goes out the door when he gets angry. So much drama coming from his end. I wonder if you might want to put a 24-hour delay on messages from him. They try their hardest to sweep us into the whirlpool. Hang in there!
J-A-D-E popped into my head this AM - you really have no need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. Clearly he is hurting and his reactions are coming from someone who has no recovery and sees no need for it. Denial is larger than alcoholism too and without recovery or self-searching, it's very hard to see and own our part.
I know your heart is hurting for his kids. They did not ask for 'this' and yet here it is. His timing aside, just like us, they will learn from this too. We all know as adults that people come and people go and each teaches us more about ourselves and what works for us and what does not. In spite of what they're told, they will remember you as kind and gentle with grace, as that's your true self. Keep taking care of you and keep doing you and know it will all be OK.
Hang in there sweetie - I see him reacting as most would who don't have a good support system or recovery. Nothing he says or does is about you or who you are...praying for a smooth move and a lovely fresh start in your new digs!!! (((Hugs)))
I'm throwing a different probably non alanon spin on all of this however that was BS! It's a form of control through fear and manipulation as to LOOK WHAT YOU DID!! I remember my XSAF (sorry .. LOL), when I was 19 I totaled my mom's car .. she was in Hawaii 40th Class Reunion having the time of her life .. and it was a couple days before she came home .. I ASKED him to wait to tell her I would tell her when I picked her up at the airport. That SOB told her on the morning of her last day there .. who does that?? Someone who is very sick. Soooo .. her last day memories are her obsessing about the car the flight home obsessing and of course he never told me he had done this. So I pick my mom up and didn't understand why she was mad at me right when she got off the plane. I mean seriously I had to own it .. LOL .. what was I going to say sorry mom I traded your car in for the Wonder Woman invisible plane?? I was FURIOUS about it for some reason when I was younger I was WAY wiser .. LOL .. I asked her .. why do you think he did that because what were you going to do about the car? I was fine. The car was totaled .. what could YOU do during that time.
That's my point .. my SF had to make it about what I did wrong .. the only concern he had was I was not going to get into the kind of trouble I should have .. and YES I know because he verbalized that big time.
I try to remember that when dealing with my own situations .. how important is it .. and can it wait. He could have waited and like a child on Christmas with information that could have waited .. and whatever his motives were .. that's on him.
There has always been a clear case of ism's with that man. It doesn't have to be immediate family .. it can be behavior of someone else .. I go back to the movie Saving Mr. Banks and the untreated alanon that was there it was soooo sad. To live so unaware that fears consume and past behavior overrules the joys of today.
Anyway, .. big HUGS .. I am so sorry .. it sounds like you are doing it well my friend moving through with your program in tact and I would not be looking in that rearview mirror today .. today I would focus on the next right thing.
S :)
He thinks his kids insensitive comments are funny. He's always felt that way. Every time he says or does something insensitive, dismissive, or if it reeks of manipulation, I can be thankful that I made the choice I did. I'm going to focus on my future and getting financially secure because this move is costing me a lot, LOL!
Well, just remember, YOU are gonna go forward in a good way...lets hope that one day he can get into recovery and sort himself out because if he doesn't , life will be hard on him...what an awful thing to text to you....and yes...I am glad to see that you are grateful to yourself and your HP for making the move to take care of you and get your life back.....You've got courage, kindness, grace and just good smarts....I've known you on here for a while now and recovery is looking better and better on you......as they say in the commercial back in the day "you've come a long way baby" keep up the great work...and oh yea, moving is expensive...its been 23 years or so for me, now, but omg., In the past, and to/from different states, I moved a BUNCH of times and yea, set me back, but it was for the positive...I was always glad I did, after I recovered financially, LOL
Wow, that comment of his...!
I used to think that when men were at their most loving and kind to me, that was the "real" them that they sometimes abandoned. Now I think that the angry one is just as much the real person, maybe more... It's how they behave when they're angry that shows what's at the bottom of their personalities. And the kicker is that he obviously has no idea how he's coming across. So disappointing. But a real testament to your emotional health that you're getting away from it. I'll just add one wise thing that my friend told me when my ex behaved like a crazy person: "At least he's never given you cause to regret leaving." !
-- Edited by Mattie on Friday 6th of July 2018 11:29:15 AM
I appreciate you all for your support!