Hello everyone,
It's been a while since I've posted on this forum. But I've come back to try to find some positive words. I'm extremely depressed, my AH boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago. The 1st 2 years of our relationship was a complete sham I found out a few weeks into the relationship he was a binge drinking alcoholic, but I chose to stay. Throughout the 2 years he would binge drink we would break up and get back together, he would cheat, he would drink, and we get back together. Talk about toxic. For the past year he has been clean and sober, but the damage was done. I found myself pulling away and not caring. I'm not sure exactly when, but I slipped into extreme depression, and it has gotten to the point where I feel out of control. The final straw was when it was my son's birthday (not a child we share), But we had made plans to go out for his birthday, but instead he made other arrangements and did not join us. I was beyond hurt. We parted ways. Here I am in a depression hole left to fend by myself. With absolutely no support from him at all. He has completely turned his back on me. Doesnt return my calls or texts, so I've stopped reaching out. I feel so much hurt and rage. I stood by this man through everything, and I'm struggling and doing it alone. I guess in reality I've always been doing it alone. By the time he got sober, the damage was already done. The trust was gone, the communication was gone. I know I am missing the thought of what could have been. I knew I should have left a long time ago, but I thought the outcome would be different. Turns out, the outcome is the same. I was alone through his journey, and now I'm alone on my journey.
Sorry it's so long.
S
JerryF said
Jul 3, 2018
StarCatcher.welcome back and thanks for the courage to bring your story back up. To a large degree that is my story also about my addiction to the alcoholic/addict I was addicted to in every same way. They are our addiction just as booze and drugs are theirs. Once they get over the bad taste and just gather the false promises that the chemical brings that is when and where the compulsion becomes real. It doesn't works with other than promises based upon no reality. I can't tell you about how many times I chased my alcoholic/addict down wishing for just a moment with the "right" words to convince her that I was the one for her to live life for and life the best way she could live it and I hadn't met the Al-Anon Family Group yet and sat in the rooms of very many who had and were doing the exact same thing over and over expecting different results each time. We have so many endings and still not really...we just continue over and over in the insanity of this disease. When the ending came for me we were divorced and she was clean and sober and happy and beautiful and I had no reason to be married which was the reality when we met. I married an alcoholic/addict when I didn't have to or should have. Unconditional love is something else and I could find that without marrying anyone especially a very very sick person who I would get as sick with in the disease of Alcoholism
The Ending has Come I needed to have the ending...the ending to my part and when I got that miracles started to happen and still are.
I pray you have a home group and sponsor to work closely with. Prayers and good thoughts going your way. ((((Hugs))))
Tude said
Jul 3, 2018
(((starcatcher))) I'm pretty new here and it's nice to meet you. I do hope you keep coming back. I hate that place of darkness you are speaking of. I found my way out of it (again) in this program.
Hugs
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
Tude wrote:
(((starcatcher))) I'm pretty new here and it's nice to meet you. I do hope you keep coming back. I hate that place of darkness you are speaking of. I found my way out of it (again) in this program.
Hugs
Thank you Tude. It's a dark and lonely place.
Thank you for your reply.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
JerryF wrote:
StarCatcher.welcome back and thanks for the courage to bring your story back up. To a large degree that is my story also about my addiction to the alcoholic/addict I was addicted to in every same way. They are our addiction just as booze and drugs are theirs. Once they get over the bad taste and just gather the false promises that the chemical brings that is when and where the compulsion becomes real. It doesn't works with other than promises based upon no reality. I can't tell you about how many times I chased my alcoholic/addict down wishing for just a moment with the "right" words to convince her that I was the one for her to live life for and life the best way she could live it and I hadn't met the Al-Anon Family Group yet and sat in the rooms of very many who had and were doing the exact same thing over and over expecting different results each time. We have so many endings and still not really...we just continue over and over in the insanity of this disease. When the ending came for me we were divorced and she was clean and sober and happy and beautiful and I had no reason to be married which was the reality when we met. I married an alcoholic/addict when I didn't have to or should have. Unconditional love is something else and I could find that without marrying anyone especially a very very sick person who I would get as sick with in the disease of Alcoholism
The Ending has Come I needed to have the ending...the ending to my part and when I got that miracles started to happen and still are.
I pray you have a home group and sponsor to work closely with. Prayers and good thoughts going your way. ((((Hugs))))
Thank you for sharing Jerry. It's such a blow to find the person you loved, wasnt that person any more. I kept telling him it felt like we were roommates. Nothing changed. Nothing would ever change. So disappointing.
Tude said
Jul 3, 2018
I picked up something you shared above SC. About being sorry it's been so long. We are striving for progress not perfection. I'm glad you are here. I took a 10 year break and it was not a healthy one.....It just makes more of us to share our ESH's here on MIP. As a wonderful sponsor suggested to me.....perhaps and assets and gratitude list would be good?? You are back here, you have love and support, you have today. Looking forward to getting to know you. It is downright scary how this dis-ease can turn us inside out and upside down in our thinking.....
Iamhere said
Jul 3, 2018
Hey StarCatcher - it is good to see you back and I too appreciate your share. I am sorry that you are in this dark place - it does suck and it is painful. I also understand when the reality of 'who' we love is not at all what we hoped for or used to see...please be gentle with yourself and know that this too shall pass.
I am sending positive thoughts your way and prayers of strength and courage for you. You are not alone - please keep coming back!!
a4l said
Jul 3, 2018
Oh I remember that place its really hard to look at anything to do with the relationship with nothing else to balance out all the toxicity. Hope you seek out some meetings, and anything else healthy to detach yourself a bit from the hurt. Sending prayers.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
Tude wrote:
I picked up something you shared above SC. About being sorry it's been so long. We are striving for progress not perfection. I'm glad you are here. I took a 10 year break and it was not a healthy one.....It just makes more of us to share our ESH's here on MIP. As a wonderful sponsor suggested to me.....perhaps and assets and gratitude list would be good?? You are back here, you have love and support, you have today. Looking forward to getting to know you. It is downright scary how this dis-ease can turn us inside out and upside down in our thinking.....
Hi Tude,
I actually meant sorry the post was so long, but I do appreciate the response. I remember everyone always being supportive here. I just need to keep my mind pre-occupied.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
a4l wrote:
Oh I remember that place its really hard to look at anything to do with the relationship with nothing else to balance out all the toxicity. Hope you seek out some meetings, and anything else healthy to detach yourself a bit from the hurt. Sending prayers.
Hello a4l,
thank you for your response. It's so hard to look at anything but that. To think I was waiting so long for that time to come, and it was too late. It breaks my heart.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
Iamhere wrote:
Hey StarCatcher - it is good to see you back and I too appreciate your share. I am sorry that you are in this dark place - it does suck and it is painful. I also understand when the reality of 'who' we love is not at all what we hoped for or used to see...please be gentle with yourself and know that this too shall pass.
I am sending positive thoughts your way and prayers of strength and courage for you. You are not alone - please keep coming back!!
Hi Iamhere,
lim glad you're still here :). This place is so lonely. I cry uncontrollably, I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I gave up, became depressed and checked out. I feel like I let him down.
a4l said
Jul 3, 2018
I know. It is an awful feeling. And it has the power to suck us right down the plughole if we don't fight to get out of it. I really really struggled with it and still can with other qualifiers. I think the trick is surrendering the things we honestly have no power over, remembering that we're dealing with very unwell individuals and trying to find joy again. Online meetings happen here if f2f is too hard. You're not alone, it can and does get better.
andromeda said
Jul 3, 2018
Hello! Just wanted to reach out and send some loving support and hugs your way. I broke it off with my bf 2 days ago and the anxiety has been crazy for me. Emotions are all over the place, etc. But, from experience, I know that no matter what I'm going through.....it will pass. Nothing lasts forever. One step at a time, one moment at a time, etc. HUGS!
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
andromeda wrote:
Hello! Just wanted to reach out and send some loving support and hugs your way. I broke it off with my bf 2 days ago and the anxiety has been crazy for me. Emotions are all over the place, etc. But, from experience, I know that no matter what I'm going through.....it will pass. Nothing lasts forever. One step at a time, one moment at a time, etc. HUGS!
Hi Andromeda,
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you have to go through this too. This depression is kicking my butt. I've made appointments with my therapist, but it's so difficult. Alcohol destroys lives.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 3, 2018
a4l wrote:
I know. It is an awful feeling. And it has the power to suck us right down the plughole if we don't fight to get out of it. I really really struggled with it and still can with other qualifiers. I think the trick is surrendering the things we honestly have no power over, remembering that we're dealing with very unwell individuals and trying to find joy again. Online meetings happen here if f2f is too hard. You're not alone, it can and does get better.
They suck us down the plughole for sure. Who would have thought that when he became sober it would be too late for us.
Sometimes life isn't fair is an understatement.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 4, 2018
Sending you light, love, & unconditional support, Starcatcher2!!
I am so sorry that you are now facing the realities of that lie (your BF). I understand that dark place... I went there too. But I did not live there. Why? Because I had a child who was dependent on ME. THAT was the one thing that made me suck up all the negative energy that was living within me and made me move forward. At times it felt like only a 1/2 step forward (example: I was able to get out of bed that morning and go to work).
YOU & only you are your child's beacon. You will show (through actions not words) your child how to survive hardship. How to dig deep within you - even if you feel like there is nothing to give or look for - and find the strength to move forward. There will be days that you will not be aware that you are teaching... but you ARE!
As I was reading your post, I could really feel the hurt and turmoil in your words... but at the same time, I kept glancing over to your Avatar (which spoke to me). You are at the point in your life's journey where you need to begin to find the one who will treat you like a priority. And that very first person is you.
Peace, my MIP friend. You are a MOM... you are STRONG... you've got this!
starcatcher2 said
Jul 4, 2018
PosiesandPuppies wrote:
Sending you light, love, & unconditional support, Starcatcher2!!
I am so sorry that you are now facing the realities of that lie (your BF). I understand that dark place... I went there too. But I did not live there. Why? Because I had a child who was dependent on ME. THAT was the one thing that made me suck up all the negative energy that was living within me and made me move forward. At times it felt like only a 1/2 step forward (example: I was able to get out of bed that morning and go to work).
YOU & only you are your child's beacon. You will show (through actions not words) your child how to survive hardship. How to dig deep within you - even if you feel like there is nothing to give or look for - and find the strength to move forward. There will be days that you will not be aware that you are teaching... but you ARE!
As I was reading your post, I could really feel the hurt and turmoil in your words... but at the same time, I kept glancing over to your Avatar (which spoke to me). You are at the point in your life's journey where you need to begin to find the one who will treat you like a priority. And that very first person is you.
Peace, my MIP friend. You are a MOM... you are STRONG... you've got this!
Thank you for your beautiful comment. It brought tears to my eyes. I have already begun working on me. I am seeing my therapist, going to meetings, and looking deeper inside myself. He wasnt the only one who contributed to the crumbling of this relationship, but I have to make sure I dont repeat the same mistakes in the future.
JerryF said
Jul 4, 2018
Great Starcatcher2...your eyes are beginning to open along with your heart and memory...that is what happened to me widely when the ending came for me to change the things I could. I use to work for NASA for year but found the real rocket science was in the rooms of the family groups and AA. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know. Thank you God for leading me to the doors of recovery. Forever Grateful. ((((hugs))))
starcatcher2 said
Jul 4, 2018
JerryF wrote:
Great Starcatcher2...your eyes are beginning to open along with your heart and memory...that is what happened to me widely when the ending came for me to change the things I could. I use to work for NASA for year but found the real rocket science was in the rooms of the family groups and AA. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know. Thank you God for leading me to the doors of recovery. Forever Grateful. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry. It's a work in progress..slow and steady.
Mattie said
Jul 4, 2018
I know it's so hard when you're hoping for the person to be "the one" - the one you can trust, the one you fit with, the one who's right for you. Or "a" one anyway. And then when we invest time and sacrifice into the relationship, it's even harder when it becomes clear that they're not the person we hoped they would be. And at least in my case, there was so much fear - "What if this means there isn't anybody out there for me?"
The trouble with these not-right relationships is that they suck up so much time and energy. A genuinely good relationship flows along peacefully and we have time and energy to make the other parts of our lives good too. When I was involved with the not-right people, the rest of my life got out of whack too. I didn't have the emotional energy to invest in other stuff. Then my whole life felt kind of empty and unsupportive.
Getting back into balance is a gradual process. Every day it gets a tiny bit better. I hope you'll do many nurturing things for yourself. What is the saying about how, when we can't get out of a bad relationship, our HP gets us out? I think maybe that's what's happened here. I know it feels awful. Take extra good care of yourself.
starcatcher2 said
Jul 4, 2018
Mattie wrote:
I know it's so hard when you're hoping for the person to be "the one" - the one you can trust, the one you fit with, the one who's right for you. Or "a" one anyway. And then when we invest time and sacrifice into the relationship, it's even harder when it becomes clear that they're not the person we hoped they would be. And at least in my case, there was so much fear - "What if this means there isn't anybody out there for me?"
The trouble with these not-right relationships is that they suck up so much time and energy. A genuinely good relationship flows along peacefully and we have time and energy to make the other parts of our lives good too. When I was involved with the not-right people, the rest of my life got out of whack too. I didn't have the emotional energy to invest in other stuff. Then my whole life felt kind of empty and unsupportive.
Getting back into balance is a gradual process. Every day it gets a tiny bit better. I hope you'll do many nurturing things for yourself. What is the saying about how, when we can't get out of a bad relationship, our HP gets us out? I think maybe that's what's happened here. I know it feels awful. Take extra good care of yourself.
Yes, I was hoping he was the "one", but all the cheating proved to me that I wasn't. Add the drinking, and things were difficult. The sad part is as he went through sobriety, my depression really started creeping in. Towards the end, I just couldn't control it. Thank you for your kind words. Very enlightening.
StarCatcher.welcome back and thanks for the courage to bring your story back up. To a large degree that is my story also about my addiction to the alcoholic/addict I was addicted to in every same way. They are our addiction just as booze and drugs are theirs. Once they get over the bad taste and just gather the false promises that the chemical brings that is when and where the compulsion becomes real. It doesn't works with other than promises based upon no reality. I can't tell you about how many times I chased my alcoholic/addict down wishing for just a moment with the "right" words to convince her that I was the one for her to live life for and life the best way she could live it and I hadn't met the Al-Anon Family Group yet and sat in the rooms of very many who had and were doing the exact same thing over and over expecting different results each time. We have so many endings and still not really...we just continue over and over in the insanity of this disease. When the ending came for me we were divorced and she was clean and sober and happy and beautiful and I had no reason to be married which was the reality when we met. I married an alcoholic/addict when I didn't have to or should have. Unconditional love is something else and I could find that without marrying anyone especially a very very sick person who I would get as sick with in the disease of Alcoholism
The Ending has Come I needed to have the ending...the ending to my part and when I got that miracles started to happen and still are.
I pray you have a home group and sponsor to work closely with. Prayers and good thoughts going your way. ((((Hugs))))
Hugs
Thank you Tude. It's a dark and lonely place.
Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for sharing Jerry. It's such a blow to find the person you loved, wasnt that person any more. I kept telling him it felt like we were roommates. Nothing changed. Nothing would ever change. So disappointing.
I am sending positive thoughts your way and prayers of strength and courage for you. You are not alone - please keep coming back!!
Hi Tude,
I actually meant sorry the post was so long, but I do appreciate the response. I remember everyone always being supportive here. I just need to keep my mind pre-occupied.
Hello a4l,
thank you for your response. It's so hard to look at anything but that. To think I was waiting so long for that time to come, and it was too late. It breaks my heart.
Hi Iamhere,
lim glad you're still here :). This place is so lonely. I cry uncontrollably, I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I gave up, became depressed and checked out. I feel like I let him down.
Hi Andromeda,
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry you have to go through this too. This depression is kicking my butt. I've made appointments with my therapist, but it's so difficult. Alcohol destroys lives.
They suck us down the plughole for sure. Who would have thought that when he became sober it would be too late for us.
Sometimes life isn't fair is an understatement.
Sending you light, love, & unconditional support, Starcatcher2!!
I am so sorry that you are now facing the realities of that lie (your BF). I understand that dark place... I went there too. But I did not live there. Why? Because I had a child who was dependent on ME. THAT was the one thing that made me suck up all the negative energy that was living within me and made me move forward. At times it felt like only a 1/2 step forward (example: I was able to get out of bed that morning and go to work).
YOU & only you are your child's beacon. You will show (through actions not words) your child how to survive hardship. How to dig deep within you - even if you feel like there is nothing to give or look for - and find the strength to move forward. There will be days that you will not be aware that you are teaching... but you ARE!
As I was reading your post, I could really feel the hurt and turmoil in your words... but at the same time, I kept glancing over to your Avatar (which spoke to me). You are at the point in your life's journey where you need to begin to find the one who will treat you like a priority. And that very first person is you.
Peace, my MIP friend. You are a MOM... you are STRONG... you've got this!
Thank you for your beautiful comment. It brought tears to my eyes. I have already begun working on me. I am seeing my therapist, going to meetings, and looking deeper inside myself. He wasnt the only one who contributed to the crumbling of this relationship, but I have to make sure I dont repeat the same mistakes in the future.
Great Starcatcher2...your eyes are beginning to open along with your heart and memory...that is what happened to me widely when the ending came for me to change the things I could. I use to work for NASA for year but found the real rocket science was in the rooms of the family groups and AA. I didn't know anything about alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know. Thank you God for leading me to the doors of recovery. Forever Grateful. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Jerry. It's a work in progress..slow and steady.
I know it's so hard when you're hoping for the person to be "the one" - the one you can trust, the one you fit with, the one who's right for you. Or "a" one anyway. And then when we invest time and sacrifice into the relationship, it's even harder when it becomes clear that they're not the person we hoped they would be. And at least in my case, there was so much fear - "What if this means there isn't anybody out there for me?"
The trouble with these not-right relationships is that they suck up so much time and energy. A genuinely good relationship flows along peacefully and we have time and energy to make the other parts of our lives good too. When I was involved with the not-right people, the rest of my life got out of whack too. I didn't have the emotional energy to invest in other stuff. Then my whole life felt kind of empty and unsupportive.
Getting back into balance is a gradual process. Every day it gets a tiny bit better. I hope you'll do many nurturing things for yourself. What is the saying about how, when we can't get out of a bad relationship, our HP gets us out? I think maybe that's what's happened here. I know it feels awful. Take extra good care of yourself.
Yes, I was hoping he was the "one", but all the cheating proved to me that I wasn't. Add the drinking, and things were difficult. The sad part is as he went through sobriety, my depression really started creeping in. Towards the end, I just couldn't control it. Thank you for your kind words. Very enlightening.
S