AH thinks it's not his fault it's a compulsion and he can't stop. Hes in bed drinking vodka as if there's not going to be a tomorrow. He's says hes not trying to hurt me or him. He doesn't says he cant stop its too difficult. He wont or cant stop? Which is it? A merry go round. He says he cant stop it's a compulsion. He won't sort himself out. I've just said that we'll have to sell the house. He wants me to say it and start proceedings because he's a coward and won't accept responsibility for anything. I feel sick. I love him very much and we both hurt but he doesn't want to stop.
hotrod said
Jul 1, 2018
((Ling)) we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. Please do search out alanon meetings and attend you are not alone.
tiredtonite said
Jul 1, 2018
Hi Ling,
I hope you'll find an Alanon meeting near you for support. People in the rooms understand what you are going through. He could believe that he can't stop. He is addicted. What's important is finding some help for yourself at this time. We also have Alanon meetings at this site in the morning and evening but in person support is really essential when you are living with someone who is still drinking. With Alanon, there's hope, a fellowship of understanding people and a program that can help make life more manageable. (((hugs))) TT
ling said
Jul 1, 2018
Hi he constantly tells me he's unwell and I don't know whether I want it anymore as I am constantly being told he won't stop drinking because he's alcoholic and also that alcoholics can stop drinking. He loves drink more than me and I am worth more. I also have faith that God will help. Should i suffer? - am i being selfish? I am going to put the house on the market
Mattie said
Jul 1, 2018
It really doesn't matter whether he can't or won't, does it? The real truth of it is that he isn't going to stop - so you have to decide how much of this you can cope with and what distance (emotional, geographical, or otherwise) you need to help you live your life serenely. He may not think he can stop, but the other question is whether he's trying to get help - if he's just wallowing in the self-pity of it all, that's not a very helpful attitude to anybody. He knows exactly where to go if he wants to get some expert advice on what his chances are - the doors of AA are always open. Meanwhile, 'he's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?' It doesn't sound like the current situation is a very happy one for you. I hope you can find some new doors of your own soon. Do you have a face-to-face meeting? So much support there. Take good care of yourself.
Bo said
Jul 1, 2018
ling, please find face to face alanon meetings, and go to them, as many as you can, as often as you can. You will find help there. Right now, you are so focused on him, and trying to analyze him, what he's saying, doing, trying to figure out what he can and can't do, and so on. You are focused on HIM -- and that is your problem, at least part of it. You need to focus on YOU, and what you need to do to get better, get healthy, etc.
Forget about him and what he's doing. He's doing what he wants to do. Stop trying to figure it out. The more you try and figure it out, answer the questions you've been asking, etc. -- the more you will drive yourself crazy, the more you will continue to be in pain, and the more unhealthy you will get.
Focus on YOU. Go to meetings ASAP. Find a sponsor. Start working with him/her. You can and will get better. All the best.
mamalioness said
Jul 1, 2018
There is nothing we can do to bring about change in another...We are 100% powerless over anything but ourselves...Please, find a face to face meeting and work the steps and slogans...You will find you are not alone and there are others who have "been there--done that" and they can guide you into healing yourself and your life....the more you try to analyze him, the worse your situation and life will become.....I'm glad you reached out here, but I do believe you need the meetings and fellowship with others in this situation who can help you help yourself.......IN SUPPORT
JerryF said
Jul 2, 2018
Ling...((((hugs))))...that is exactly the insanity of this disease right at this time...forget yesterday you and he cannot change that and for today He won't change it. Ask him to call AA Central in your town or area and go down to a meeting and talk with some recovering members or ask them to come over. Last one of those I did ten years ago the guy is still sober and enjoying his life...Love to see it. Keep coming back.
Tude said
Jul 2, 2018
((Ling)) I really hope too, that you can make some face to face meetings. When my focus is on the A's in my life, it's not helping me or him. No, it's not selfish, we are learning how to live with the disease of alcohol and take care of ourselves. It is then we are truly able to love and not be obsessed with the alcoholic. What they may or may not be doing. It's simply not going to control my life today. If "nothing changes, nothing changes." I've found the more I change and learn to detach, the more peace I have regardless of what they are doing. It is in this change of self, that leaves the alcoholic with their own consequences. They need those consequences! I never clean up after the alcoholic, or sit and watch what they may or may not be doing today. When we go about our own day and life in peace, this also causes a change in them.
Keep coming back and I really hope you can get to a f2f meeting as soon as possible.
canadianguy said
Jul 3, 2018
Hi Ling.... you're getting great love, support, and encouragement from the MIP family, and good for you in reaching out here. I'm copying an old post of mine, entitled "Okay, what CAN we do", as hopefully it will also give you some encouragement, as the situation you describe is dire, but it is NOT hopeless.
(((Ling))) - I can so relate to the questions you ask about is it selfish to put self first and to take care of self when one we love is self-destructing. I remember being in that very place and it was so very, very difficult to get my head and heart aligned. It felt selfish and self-serving to detach from another I love to put me first yet time and time and time again, that's what others suggested.
It is in the choice of my own recovery that I found my sanity again. My head and heart are still not always perfectly aligned but they are much closer than they used to be. I still get sad and frustrated over the disease and the diseased, but I work really hard at recovery to not let it or them dominate my thoughts, actions, feelings.
Accepting that there was nothing I could do, say, shout, feel, pray, etc. that would change another was tough. Yet, at meetings and around recovery, I saw others who had been able to heal and deal from living with the insanity of this disease, which gave me hope enough to try and continue, one day at a time.
If you can't get to local meetings, there are a couple here each day. They kept me floating and saner between F2F meetings and I'm grateful for every tool that has been offered to me in this program. There is always hope and help - please keep coming back - you are not alone!
serenity47 said
Jul 3, 2018
Thank you for sharing that link Canadian guy. It was very helpful to me today.
AH thinks it's not his fault it's a compulsion and he can't stop. Hes in bed drinking vodka as if there's not going to be a tomorrow. He's says hes not trying to hurt me or him. He doesn't says he cant stop its too difficult. He wont or cant stop? Which is it? A merry go round. He says he cant stop it's a compulsion. He won't sort himself out. I've just said that we'll have to sell the house. He wants me to say it and start proceedings because he's a coward and won't accept responsibility for anything. I feel sick. I love him very much and we both hurt but he doesn't want to stop.
Hi Ling,
I hope you'll find an Alanon meeting near you for support. People in the rooms understand what you are going through. He could believe that he can't stop. He is addicted. What's important is finding some help for yourself at this time. We also have Alanon meetings at this site in the morning and evening but in person support is really essential when you are living with someone who is still drinking. With Alanon, there's hope, a fellowship of understanding people and a program that can help make life more manageable. (((hugs))) TT
It really doesn't matter whether he can't or won't, does it? The real truth of it is that he isn't going to stop - so you have to decide how much of this you can cope with and what distance (emotional, geographical, or otherwise) you need to help you live your life serenely. He may not think he can stop, but the other question is whether he's trying to get help - if he's just wallowing in the self-pity of it all, that's not a very helpful attitude to anybody. He knows exactly where to go if he wants to get some expert advice on what his chances are - the doors of AA are always open. Meanwhile, 'he's going to do what he's going to do - what are you going to do?' It doesn't sound like the current situation is a very happy one for you. I hope you can find some new doors of your own soon. Do you have a face-to-face meeting? So much support there. Take good care of yourself.
Forget about him and what he's doing. He's doing what he wants to do. Stop trying to figure it out. The more you try and figure it out, answer the questions you've been asking, etc. -- the more you will drive yourself crazy, the more you will continue to be in pain, and the more unhealthy you will get.
Focus on YOU. Go to meetings ASAP. Find a sponsor. Start working with him/her. You can and will get better. All the best.
Ling...((((hugs))))...that is exactly the insanity of this disease right at this time...forget yesterday you and he cannot change that and for today He won't change it. Ask him to call AA Central in your town or area and go down to a meeting and talk with some recovering members or ask them to come over. Last one of those I did ten years ago the guy is still sober and enjoying his life...Love to see it. Keep coming back.
Keep coming back and I really hope you can get to a f2f meeting as soon as possible.
Hi Ling.... you're getting great love, support, and encouragement from the MIP family, and good for you in reaching out here. I'm copying an old post of mine, entitled "Okay, what CAN we do", as hopefully it will also give you some encouragement, as the situation you describe is dire, but it is NOT hopeless.
Hugs,
Tom
http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/
It is in the choice of my own recovery that I found my sanity again. My head and heart are still not always perfectly aligned but they are much closer than they used to be. I still get sad and frustrated over the disease and the diseased, but I work really hard at recovery to not let it or them dominate my thoughts, actions, feelings.
Accepting that there was nothing I could do, say, shout, feel, pray, etc. that would change another was tough. Yet, at meetings and around recovery, I saw others who had been able to heal and deal from living with the insanity of this disease, which gave me hope enough to try and continue, one day at a time.
If you can't get to local meetings, there are a couple here each day. They kept me floating and saner between F2F meetings and I'm grateful for every tool that has been offered to me in this program. There is always hope and help - please keep coming back - you are not alone!