Yesterday my bf caught me in a lie. I told him I was out shopping but I was really at a restaurant having a glass of wine, journaling, and eating a bowl of soup ALONE. I had been pulling away from the relationship all week because I was hurt by a condescending remark he made to me earlier in the week. I had lashed out at him and I didn't care for my response so I was doing a whole lot of introspection.
Anyway, turns out he has access to the 'find my iPhone' app for MY PHONE. I can't figure out how but he tracked me yesterday. When i got home he asked me what stores I went to and I lied and told him. 20 mins later he corners me in the closet and tells me he knew I wasn't out shopping because he tracked me. I felt like a kid with her hand in the cookie jar so I told another lie and said I was at the restaurant with a program friend. Well, duh, why did I do that? he wanted to see my phone. I refused because some of my text messages were about him and program friends and me working through my relationship drama.....he wouldn't have liked it.
We got into a huge fight. He accused me of cheating and then claimed he was 100% certain I was with someone else. I eventually just handed him my phone and then told him to call the restaurant and ask the bartender if he remembers me being there with anyone else. I was journaling my step work while I was there. Every time I tried to defend myself he didn't want to hear it. When he asked me why I lied, I honestly didn't know why because it truly was a stupid lie. It's not like I was covering up a real affair or anything. I had no reason to lie. But, upon thinking about it I feel the real reason is that sometimes I feel shame that I have to work program, I feel like lesser of a person if I'm not emotionally sound. I feel like people won't understand, like my self esteem will be shattered if they knew just how broken I am.
Things did not go well. He said I had been acting off all week and I tried to explain by saying I was upset by his condescension (which he denied) he said I always make him to blame and he would not even listen to anything I had to say when I tried to discuss problems I was having with 'us' and with our dynamic. I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to make him the bad guy, I was just trying to explain why I was distant and introspective all week. When I asked if he would listen to me and if I could read my journal entry to him, he refused. When I tried to give him my phone, he refused. In his mind, I had already been tried, found guilty, and the noose was around my neck.
It was awful. Then, today I get home from work and he's acting mostly normal. Like, yep, let's just ignore the elephant in the room. I am not impressed. I am upset at the false accusations. I am pissed that he tracked me on his phone, which he says he did because I didn't answer my phone and because he needed me home to take him to get his car at the shop. And, I wonder just how long has he been tracking me.......I have nothing to hide but it's the principle of trust that is getting me here.
I admitted to him that I was wrong. I tried to explain that I have some shame wrapped around needing time alone and wanting to work my program. He just ignored me.
We are supposed to be leaving for a family vacation to Alaska on a cruise next Friday. Last night I asked him if he was looking at apartments for me and then I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and I told him the ball was in his court because nothing I said made a difference anyway. I was pretty much done. I'm doing my best to stay in the moment and just do the next right thing. But, if I'm honest, I just don't know if I can stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me and was so quick to accuse me of being unfaithful without having any evidence to back it and also being unwilling to hear me out or gather evidence on his own.
I'm really tired today. My picker obviously picked a very broken person just like myself. I am trying to remind myself that he can't comprehend my lies just like I can't comprehend his accusations. We are both broken. Not sure if this can be repaired. Send some prayers and positive thoughts my way, please.
Iamhere said
Jun 29, 2018
(((andromeda))) - I am sending you hugs, positive thoughts and prayers. I don't know if this will help or not, but I 'hear' broken and think 'negatively'. Which is one of many reasons why I say/use the term imperfect. We ( every human on the planet) are designed to be imperfect. I used to try and be the perfect mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, employee, etc. and I felt like a failure across the board. I would have rated myself above average most of the time and average other times....what recovery has taught me is that's imperfectly fine - we're not designed to be above average all the time.
When we have 'blow-ups' here, I do the best I can to seek to understand. I don't look for blame and I certainly don't try to assign who was worst as it's counter-productive. I do exactly what we're told in recovery - look for my part, make amends if necessary and then trust the program and God. I will say that it's taken me 20 years to learn to stop forcing my need to discuss/resolve conflict before my AH or sons are ready....it just doesn't work well. I instead clean up my side of the street and suggest I'd like to discuss if/when they are ready. Most of the time, that follow up does not happen as they don't require a discussion like I want. I've learned to instead talk things out with my sponsor or trusted program friends.
You mention being really tired today - perhaps some self-care and rest will give a different outlook tomorrow. The one thing I've been working on in my own recovery is allowing things to unfold vs. assuming the worse case scenario. It has been helpful for me to just stay present when there are so many unknowns swirling around me.
Hang in there girl - you're not the first person who's lied to get some alone time and won't be the last. He's not the first person with trust issues who is snooping on his gal, and won't be the last. Your relationship is still 'new' - it takes years to truly know another and that's still a misnomer as we are always constantly changing. I'm sending extra prayers with hope that you get good rest tonight! Love and light girl!
a4l said
Jun 29, 2018
Please be gentle on yourself. There's nothing wrong with time alone. Sending warm thoughts and prayers.
andromeda said
Jun 29, 2018
NO,there's not.....but there is something very wrong if I can't be honest with my partner about my needs to do so. Therein lies the problem.
mamalioness said
Jun 29, 2018
((((((((((((((Andromeda)))))))))))))))))). It makes me sad to see you call yourself broken when you are the one in recovery, working to get better, working to reconcile with yourself, lets call it perfectly in perfect, or a work in progress, that sounds much more true than broken.
The relationship may or may not work. It appears that you are doing your best, and even repenting of your mistakes and being honest with him Its perfectly understandable that you felt embarrassed saying that you needed to work your program, I used to feel the same way but now I do not because I figure I am a step ahead of all of those people who need the program and who are not in it I am here with my shirt sleeves rolled up doing the work to make myself a better person, so I am no longer broken, I am a work in progress, I am a perfectly imperfect human being and I am starting to like and respect myself because I could have taken the easy way out and just kept blaming my abusers and not doing anything to help myself. But I chose to get help. So did you. Because I cannot come over there and give you the hug I want to, I am asking you to hug yourself. Youre doing a great job. Nobody knows what our futures have for us, all we can do is do our best one day at a time and as long as you are doing that which I see that you are, if the relationship doesnt work out it may be a blessing in the long run because if he does not trust you, and is accusing you of infidelity, that is going to wear pretty thin. Youre the one thats in recovery so give yourself a big hug for that.
Jayla said
Jun 30, 2018
(((Andromeda))) that sounds like a rough situation. IMHO you should not feel ashamed of working the program. Sooooo many people need it and dont know it. Theres a good chance most of the population should be working this program for one reason or another. You are trying to be the best person you can be. Nothing wrong with that at all. * I just have a couple of thoughts. 1) why would you feel the need to lie to your bf about alone time? You dont need to answer me of course but it strikes me that you finding that answer for yourself may tell you some things. (Im not judging you btw. You may have done it to self-protect or some other necessary but possibly subconscious reason). 2. If you dont want him to track you anymore, try changing your Apple ID password. He probably has found it out somehow and once you have that you can track a persons iphone. You can also go into the settings on your phone and turn off find my iPhone or turn off location services altogether. Those measures should shut down his surveillance if that is something you want to do. Take care.
JerryF said
Jun 30, 2018
((((Andromeda)))) That caused echoes from the past to rise up for me and the first echo was the voice of fear...fear of what? anything or everything and it seems both you and your Boy Friend are affected. Why would he track you? fear...Why would you lie? fear. I use to live that way until I accepted the program and the steps...Admitting I was powerless was a huge coming out for me as I admitted it to myself and to others in the program who were supportive. Fear is a huge part of what makes the disease run and keep running and not being open about it keeps it growing.
I need to keep inventorying my program and how I work and live it...I have to cause the program contains the solutions that bring me to serenity and sanity. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working program with that sponsor? What is your part in the problem you are having honestly? Sad with you that you are going thru this. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Jun 30, 2018
(Andromeda)) HP has way of showing me my defects in action so that I i can practice Step 7 and humbly ask for them to be lifted. I believe that not feeling safe enough to admit that you need space is evidence of a hidden need to be perfect, always supportive with have no needs of your own .
Not being truthful is extremely destructive to any relationship so you have now owned it and can make amends, owning the action and resolve to live by the principle of honesty going forward. Positive thoughts on the way
tiredtonite said
Jun 30, 2018
It sounds like you are having some very big awarenesses about this relationship. I remember in your older posts you seemed to try so hard to own your part in every situation with your bf. I see it again in this post but as you know one person can't do the work of two. And if the pattern is for him to walk it back the next day and act like nothing happened "the elephant in the middle of the room" as you rightly called it in your post - well, if nothing changes nothing changes. Maybe you've outgrown him? You're concerned about lieing to him. Just my experience but I've found myself lieing to people to protect myself from their wrath, criticism and punishment of some sort. I've lied because I didn't feel the person was safe to be vulnerable with. I have withdrawn into myself and limit my sharing both physically and emotionally with such people. Plain and simple.. I don't feel safe with them. After reasoning it out, it sometimes results in loving them at a distance if these are not willing to respect my personal boundaries. But in my life partnership, like you I need emotional intimacy. Of course an Alanon sponsor is a wonderful thing for help and guidance with the program but that intimacy at least for me, cannot fill a missing piece in my life partnership. If it does, I'm just having some sort of relationship of convenience. An honest 4th and 5th step helped with seeing how I cultivated that dynamic for a long time in my romantic relationships. I didn't trust my ability to make decisions, my intelligence, my emotional availablity to fully show up intimately, my hp to take care of me in all my life struggles. Ultimately, I attracted controllers who were all to happy to let me know who I was. They often looked good on paper and their outsides very often didn't match their insides just like me. Only I mistook their arrogance for confidence, my vulnerability and being a human being in progress for "brokenness." Alanon is an amazing thing isn't it? One day you're going along in that seemingly one down position and poof all the things you've heard and been trying to practice gel. You have this awareness that your growing and deserve the best you can give to yourself. I use to have a very hard time ending relationships. In fact, I didn't. I was left and didn't do the leaving. I acted like I was glad someone was willing to have me because I thought I was so broken so in need of their control of my life and guidance. When Alanon helped me to stand up and speak for myself, people like that tried to push me back down or they left me. There just isn't any going back to a one down position once Alanon recovery takes hold at least in my experience. I know because I tried in order to stay with someone I had outgrown. I felt squeezed into a tight space and suffocated. I really smiled when I read all the awarenesses you have come to with the help of your hp. You are not broken (((andromeda))) not by a long shot! :) Imho, there is no shame in wanting a balanced love relationship of mutual respect to include one's personal right to privacy, space, safety in sharing intimately and unselfish physical intimacy. I hope your bf will respect your wants and needs in the relationship and be open to knowing you as you are today. You say you lied but you voices so much honesty openness and willingness to him as a result. Now you can see if he is going to react or respond. Maybe it was meant for all of this to come out between you. You'll make a decision a tsome point if the relationship is right for you. I wish you the best going forward. You're honoring your feelings and you can be proud of how you're working the program. (((hugs))) TT
mamalioness said
Jun 30, 2018
((((((((((((((((((((((Tired))))))))))))))))))))))) WOW!!!!! Loved what you said about having to lie because of THEIR negative responses to you, that they are not safe to be vulnerable with...When I find me in a place like that, I question..."what am I doing with this person???" "what is my lesson that they bring????" and Usually its a boundary issue or my accepting less then i deserve, and yea, I put them in an outer circle, farther from my heart, or, depending on who they are, I walk away from relationships that I can't "be me" with and feel safe.......I just wanted to say I really enjoyed reading your post....Thank you
PosiesandPuppies said
Jun 30, 2018
((((Andromeda))))
Huge support here! I see that you are really working your program regarding this. You are NOT avoiding or trying to sweep it under the rug. You admitted to the lie and you tried to make amends.
I can tell you know the bigger issue is the "why" you felt the need to lie. And I can tell you are examining that... even among all the "noise" your BF is creating. Don't let him distract you from the real issue for YOU.
Keep working it!!
Sending you love & peace.
2HP said
Jun 30, 2018
Your post brings back memories of how my alcoholic husband and I were enmeshed. God had made us spiritual beings... God was the Higher Power.... but we didn't understand that and as a result, we held all kinds of erroneous beliefs... often acting like we were one another's "property"... with special entitlements.
Today I know that no one is entitled to know my every move. This is an unhealthy attachment. Today I know that "attachment" does not foster love.
If you know in your heart you caused no HARM in thought or action, perhaps this so-called lie is you BOTH making a mountain out of a molehill...?
How often his dis-ease and insecurities triggered my own, and I would quickly fall into confusion about the TRUTH, that perhaps I have done something "wrong." Al-anon helped me to stop agreeing with everyone's rule book... and their assessment of me. I've finally learned to ask myself, is any of this even TRUE?
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 30th of June 2018 12:56:18 PM
Bo said
Jun 30, 2018
I read a post like this and on one hand, I keep my program hat on so to speak. On the other hand, I read certain things, certain perspectives, I distinguish certain elements, and my "coaching" hat finds it's way on, LOL. So, I step back and keep my program hat on. Interestingly, I teach a seminar on relationships and communication (for an advanced adult educational organization -- NON-ALANON), and I am often quite pleasantly pleased and surprised how much "program" finds it's way into other disciplines, methodologies, curriculums, etc.
That said, from my experience, it is not about a lie. It is not about condescending. Cause and effect. People don't want to face those two elements because it's easier when it's the other person's fault. It's easier when we don't act, but when we are reacting to something else that someone else did. Not meaning we always look to blame, but it's easy to argue or take a stand on something the other person said, did, etc. How many times did an argument start...and sometimes fairly quickly...the argument ended up not being about the original topic, subject, incident, etc.? It's common. Sometimes you end up arguing about how you argue, what you say, etc. You always. Every single time. You never. You constantly. Sound familiar? Lol.
So, what's this about? It's not about the effect or the byproduct...it is about everything that caused all of that to occur. For example, you weren't pulling away from the relationship all week because you were hurt by a condescending remark he made to you earlier in the week...you were pulling away from the relationship because of that and everything else that you haven't liked, felt good about, etc., in the last X number of weeks, or even months. We sometimes don't like that we have to "work our program" and do work, because we think we should be better. We think we should do better. And, we don't like that it might be another person who "pushed our buttons" or "triggered something" or "did something" and so on. That shouldn't happen to us. Well, it does, it can, and it will. It's innate. And, your bf's condescending remark wasn't about something you just said or did right there in that moment...it was about the same thing, everything else that had gone on, that he didn't like, etc., for the last who knows how long. These things are cumulative.
After cause and effect, you then have a distinghing element, something that can become representative of something we don't like, feel good about, something that bothers us, whatever. We can distinguish this because it's not about what he said or she said...it's about us and something. In this case...TRUST. That is your distinguishing element. It is all about patterns. If you look around other parts of the relationship, you will see issues of trust. It could come out in minor ways, or ways that may not appear to be about trust, because it may not be about trust as it relates to a person. Look at how a home is decorated, about how decisions are made, about the dynamic between the people who live in that house. You have this problem with Trust now. And, I get that. It's valid. However, look at what else is going on. What else you are not happy with -- but, keep it in the "I" -- and not about him. It doesn't have to be "about" you, but don't make it about him. I am not happy that I don't get to have input or help decide X, or I have always felt that I am not heard or get to express my feelings on Y, and so on.
When we talk about our "picker" being broken, that too is something that we can get a handle on. I found out my picker was broken, two major parts of it. I worked on it, both inside alanon (Blueprint For Progress, Paths To Recovery, and just doing the steps again), and outside alanon, which a "coach" who was able to bring a great deal of knowledge, objectivity, and accountability to the process. Alanon kept me grounded. It kept my head where my feet were. The coach work "fixed" what was broken.
But, here, we lean into and we work our program. It works if you work it. Keep up your good work and all the best.
LinSC said
Jun 30, 2018
I sense a "free spirit" in you....find out who you are... and march to the beat of your own drum, that is enough to endeavor in one lifetime.... prayers for you.... linsc
andromeda said
Jul 1, 2018
We had another talk. He still doesn't trust me, he still thinks I'm hiding something. I told him that our cruise next week will be quite awkward if we're not on the same page. He agreed. He told me that he believes I'm purposely sabotaging our relationship because of my lies. I asked him if he wanted me to move out. He put it back on me and told me that it's up to me.
Long story short, I think it's time for me to move on. I'm not OK. I can't work with someone who doesn't see their part and isn't willing to see their issues in the relationship, as well. He doesn't want to hear how his behavior has contributed to our issues, he doesn't see it, and I'm too old to try to explain it to him.
Anyway, I haven't ended it yet. But, I'm fairly certain I won't be going to Alaska, even if it means I'm out of the money. I don't see putting myself in that position as being a good thing!
Please pray for me to have clarity.
mamalioness said
Jul 1, 2018
Hey sweet pea. Sending you prayers for not only clarity but also for peace and serenity. This is such a tough time, but I just cant see it working with only one of you doing all the work and the growth and the willingness to change and the hard work and the other one does not want to put in anything into the relationship. Im so sorry about the Alaskan trip It sucks to have to let go of someone or some thing you have put your energy and your love into but one thing we are guaranteed in life and that is change. You deserve somebody that you can have an equal and mutual and healthy relationship with. you needed your space to work your program in quiet so yeah, you told a little lie as to your whereabouts, which indicates to me that you did not feel safe to be honest and vulnerable with this person. And if you cannot be honest and vulnerable with someone, that means your InterVoice is telling you he is not safe to be open like that with. I have been in the situation where I had people whom I cannot be honest, vulnerable, and kind with and I ask myself what am I doing in this relationship where I cant even be safe to be the real me. When I get quiet within myself and be honest with myself, I usually find out what the lesson was. Bottom line: after 14 years of recovery, I just dont allow people close in my space if I cannot be completely honest and vulnerable and kind with them and feel safe. Im so sorry that this is happened to you but I am also very proud of you and the strength of your program and that you will be OK. Sending you courage and peace hugs and energy.
Iamhere said
Jul 1, 2018
(((andromeda))) - praying for you and for clarity. For me and my recovery, I can say that relationships with other imperfect people has always been the most challenging part of my existence. I too often pray for clarity and direction and an ability to seek to understand. While I certainly don't have the right answer to fix all my challenging relationships, I will say that when I try to put myself into the shoes of another does sometimes help me better understand where they are coming from AND accept that which I don't like.
Please remember to be gentle with you. We each deserve to be happy, joyous and free and trusting our HP and recovery is one method of keeping that 'end game' in mind. I tend to believe and trust that most people want the same and truly don't wake up with the intent to irritate or annoy me, even if/when they do. We are all the sum-total of our past experiences and some are just more damaged than others. I have to keep close to my heart the realization that I am worthy often and that while words hurt, they don't define me. Huge (((Hugs))) as you process and work through this.
hotrod said
Jul 1, 2018
((Androeda)) i agree with IAH Relationships are indeed a challenge . Program has given me the tools and courage to look at myself, with honesty and attempt to change-
Prior o program i could not see and always blamed my hubby for any problem. Program tells me i am powerless over others and I need to stop blaming and justifying my action because he said or did something. If i do this I have given control of myself over to another . Your partner may be blind to his behavior .as is mine, however I have the gft of program and the tools to help me interact in the world .
Give yourself time- do not throw the baby out with the bath water pray about your decision and let go and let god
andromeda said
Jul 1, 2018
Betty, I am done. I know it in my heart. I'm not throwing the baby out with the bath water, I'm going to get free from a partner who has financially exploited me, who does not initiate affection, who stonewalls and judges, who refuses to see their part in the relationship, etc. In all of that, the biggest issue is that my partner just doesn't want to be an equal partner in this relationship. I can only apologize so many times and it won't get me anywhere anyway. He's told me before that he does not forgive and that oftentimes forgiveness isn't the answer. He holds grudges and he's told me that he can be vindictive. Is that the kind of man I want to be with?
This has been a long time coming. I've been sitting on the fence for a few months now. Back in March, I remember telling my sponsor that I didn't feel emotionally safe with him. This episode has been the catalyst for what I see is the end. Every time I share feelings with him he could never validate them. I often felt unfulfilled and left feeling like our emotional connection was always lost. I tried to accept him for who he is. I tried to overlook and be willing to see his humanness as well as my own. I think I have a lot more growing to do, but I know I want to find someone one day who cherishes me, who validates my emotions as best as they can, and who I feel truly safe with. I did not feel safe with him. I don't want to fight for this anymore and keep accepting things that I'm not OK with.
I just have to gather the strength to tell him.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 1, 2018
(((((Andromeda))))
tiredtonite said
Jul 1, 2018
andromeda,
You sound like you've given a lot of thought to your decision. You're in my thoughts and prayers as you find strength to keep moving forward.
A few things that were once offered to me by Alanon members that still guide me. My sponsor told me that "anyone can be good for an hour." She told me this when I began rationalizing the instant change for the better in my bf when he knew I was going to end things.
The other thing I was told by a guy in our program when a romantic relationship I was having just didn't feel right for me. He told me that I should think of a person who I'd always felt happy and safe with. I thought of my grandmother. He said, "TT, that's how true love should feel."
I don't know if any of this helps but from my experience, the sense of relief that comes over me when I make a decision that honors myself even one that involves letting go; I take to be my higher power's will. ((hugs)) TT
mamalioness said
Jul 1, 2018
Hey girl! Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom emotionally before we can climb back up. It sounds to me like you did everything humanly possible to keep this never was alive relationship going and now you are seeing the hand writing on the wall.
Sometimes in our darkest times, we see The biggest progress in our recovery journey. You did everything you could, now you see its time to go. You will be OK. I have total faith in you that you will be not only OK but you will thrive and flourish and blossom like the lovely flower that you are And just think of all the time and energy now you will have to take care of the one who means the most: you. HUGS
PosiesandPuppies said
Jul 1, 2018
THIS SPOKE VOLUMES TO ME...
"He told me that I should think of a person who I'd always felt happy and safe with. I thought of my grandmother. He said, "TT, that's how true love should feel."
I wish for you peace & clarity as you move forward through your week. Honoring your true feelings will not be easy, but it sounds like your inner self knows the path it needs to take for serenity.
Iamhere said
Jul 1, 2018
(((Andromeda))) - sending you prayers for strength and courage. You know we're all here for you as best we can be! Huge hugs too...
hotrod said
Jul 1, 2018
(Andromeda))) prayers and positive thoughts going out to you.
Mattie said
Jul 1, 2018
Just saw this thread. {{{Andromeda}}}
SerenityRUS said
Jul 1, 2018
Just read .. big hugs my friend ..
Bo said
Jul 1, 2018
Andromeda, my father gave my sister the greatest advice in the world when she was a young woman. He has reminded her of this advice many times over the course of the years now that she is approaching 50. I too have given this advice to my daughter, and she has never made any "wrong" decisions when it comes to men and relationships.
The advice is...when it comes to men and your relationship with them...what they say means nothing. Do not listen to anything they say. Simply watch what they do. Words mean nothing. Actions say it all and tell the truth.
That said, I really don't think this has anything to do with trust. You are not a liar. There's a difference between a liar and telling a lie. While neither is a good thing, the former is an integrity issue, and the latter is a mistake in judgment or decision making. The reason he doesn't trust you is not because of this one lie. He may think there are many others, but even if that's the case -- there is more to it. It speaks to who he is as a person. The same goes with you -- your lie doesn't define you. It's not who you are. You pulling back for X number of weeks or months is not the reason he doesn't trust you. You were doing that for a reason, or reasons. I don't know who you get on the same page at this point, and if it were me, I wouldn't be taking a cruise under these circumstances. This is far bigger than simply being on the same page. The sabotage accusation is BS. That's typical deflective, blame-shifting, etc. I saw that one coming many miles away, LOL. His putting the moving out on you is the same thing -- he wants you to take responsibility, and along with that, in his mind, is blame.
You are a very grounded, responsible person, and from what I've read here, you have integrity. He's been doing something that has caused you to pull back. I don't know what it is, but it was something. Fast forward to today -- now he has to deflect, shift the focus, put the action steps on you, and have you be responsible. Why? Because he doesn't want this to go to -- where it hasn't before -- the real cause, the root cause, which is whatever he was doing that caused you to pull back. Thus, what happens? He cannot and will not look at himself, his role, his contribution, and so on and so on. So, therefore, it has to be on you. Trying to explain it -- you may be a logical, open and honest person in doing so...but he is not willing to do so...similar to the alcoholic. What are the alcoholic's motivations? What is the dynamic between us, and the alcoholic pre-our recovery? Did we try to explain it? LOL.
Call the cruise line. Maybe you can get a credit or partial credit. Something, anything. All the best and if it's clarity you are looking for -- I wish you all the best in finding it.
andromeda said
Jul 2, 2018
I ended things. Its quite late here. Really cant sleep. Same old story of blaming me. He was shocked I was giving up the cruise. He told me I obviously never loved him and that he still thinks I cheated. Why would I want to stay in a relationship where this gets swept under the rug? He seemed to be acting like he going to continue our relationship despite his claims that I cheated. Why would he do that?
Not that it matters. Its over. Ill be taking the next 12 days to move out, find a place first, and to grieve this loss. Im battling anger at myself, guilt for doing this to the kids, and anger at him for his part as well. It will take time.
SerenityRUS said
Jul 2, 2018
I encourage you to feel your feelings .. I really suggest staying out of the pity palace. Please be gentle with yourself.
Kids are unfortunate collateral damage in these situations .. no choice no voice and at the whims of the adults in their lives. All you can do is keep your side of the street clean and move forward.
From what you have shared about the issue of blaming and not accepting responsibility .. it is not your job to accept 100% of the responsibility. He has his stuff and I agree it's exhausting to always be the one to compromise. The other red flag I go back to and has always bothered me is how he treated his X, especially the way he belittled her in front of you and the kids. That is NEVER ok. It is always a good indicator to me that what is given to someone else at some point will be given to me because if nothing changes nothing changes .. nope X not perfect .. however she's trying. I know both mother's and father's who have just walked away and never looked back and it is NOT normal to do that .. there is nothing healthy in that behavior. I actually feel bad for his X because I bet she gets hit with a whammy now that you are gone.
People are not perfect .. I want to be with someone who inspires me to be a better person and wants to take that journey with me .. life is evolving and I know when I am stuck or I observe others who are struggling that way it always goes back to not moving forward in personal growth .. they are in the rut of life and while change is extremely difficult it is necessary .. there is a sluffing off of old stuff and welcoming new growth. I don't expect perfection .. I expect to live life on life's terms and make it a great journey.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Jul 2, 2018
(((andromeda))) - sending you (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers. I also agree that you feel your feelings and just take things one day at a time. I am hopeful you can be gentle with yourself and lean into your support system at this time to heal and deal.
For me, processing my part and what lessons I can learn is one-sided when I am emotionally charged. My best suggestion is to be gentle with you, do the next right thing and just move forward as easily as you can. Hang in there sweetie...
Bo said
Jul 2, 2018
Sending you all my best wishes and warmest thoughts. While you are not buying into the blaming you thing, or the it's your fault thing, try not to get into the self-pity place either. That can be consuming. Yes, get clarity and focus in and around your feelings. But, most of all, be gentle on yourself and hold your head up high -- with dignity, grace and class. Grieving, mourning the loss of a relationship is a good thing. I've long said, grieving and mourning the loss of a relationship or marriage is good, yes, it can be sad, but it's a good thing. However, when it was a proactive decision, that was best and healthiest for "self" -- then that even more is a very good thing.
As far as the kids go, yes, that can be difficult. I always looked at this from the perspective of -- you didn't "do" anything to the kids. Every effort, every decision...is always made with and for the kids, as well as ourselves. That's our role as parents. The immediate, natural reaction is -- I did this to the kids -- and I get that. However, you made a strong, healthy and best decision now for the kids as well. Just because a couple, with kids, ends the relationship -- that doesn't mean it's a "broken home" as people constantly use the phrase. The relationship may have been broken, but the home you provide for your kids will be a solid, stable, and healthy home, one with a solid and healthy foundation. Staying in an unhealthy home, relationship, where the dynamic, the tone, etc., is not healthy, where parents/step-parents are "not getting along" -- now that can be a very broken home. Hence, the phrase -- it is far better for kids to come from a "broken" home with a broken relationship...than to live in one.
I don't buy into and never did the whole processing, analyzing, trying to figure out -- why he said this, why he is doing that, and so on and so forth. With a person who is not healthy, grounded, open and honest, and more -- there is no figuring it out. They have to blame, point the finger, make it someone else's fault, etc. When I was faced with all of this -- I focused on ME. I did the next right thing in front of me, and made sure that I was doing what I needed to do, with dignity and class, even though I was faced with innumerable family members, friends, people in the community, saying that I was throwing her out, abandoning her, and so on. I kept on doing the next right thing in front of me.
From everything I read -- and that was very telling, very reflective -- was how he treated his ex. With you, that may have taken on something completely different, but the deflection of blame, fault, responsibility -- that is reflective of something. So, you don't have to take that on. You shouldn't. A person needs -- and should want -- to share their feelings, be inspired, be able to look to their partner for support, for help, and to care about their feelings.
I wish you all the best and I am sure all will be fine with you. Good luck finding a place...and even more...maintaining your health, peace and positive perspective. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us. I have learned a lot from your sharing, growth and perspective.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 2nd of July 2018 12:08:07 PM
Mattie said
Jul 2, 2018
Sending you so many hugs. But you are AWESOME at taking care of yourself and ending it when it's clear that he can't participate healthily. If we had all done that in our relationships when the truth became clear, we'd all need a lot less healing and we'd all be in a much better place. I know it hurts, though. It does hurt so much when people turn out not to be able to step up. You are going to get through this because you are one strong, smart woman. But take care of yourself, because I know it's also sad.
Yesterday my bf caught me in a lie. I told him I was out shopping but I was really at a restaurant having a glass of wine, journaling, and eating a bowl of soup ALONE. I had been pulling away from the relationship all week because I was hurt by a condescending remark he made to me earlier in the week. I had lashed out at him and I didn't care for my response so I was doing a whole lot of introspection.
Anyway, turns out he has access to the 'find my iPhone' app for MY PHONE. I can't figure out how but he tracked me yesterday. When i got home he asked me what stores I went to and I lied and told him. 20 mins later he corners me in the closet and tells me he knew I wasn't out shopping because he tracked me. I felt like a kid with her hand in the cookie jar so I told another lie and said I was at the restaurant with a program friend. Well, duh, why did I do that? he wanted to see my phone. I refused because some of my text messages were about him and program friends and me working through my relationship drama.....he wouldn't have liked it.
We got into a huge fight. He accused me of cheating and then claimed he was 100% certain I was with someone else. I eventually just handed him my phone and then told him to call the restaurant and ask the bartender if he remembers me being there with anyone else. I was journaling my step work while I was there. Every time I tried to defend myself he didn't want to hear it. When he asked me why I lied, I honestly didn't know why because it truly was a stupid lie. It's not like I was covering up a real affair or anything. I had no reason to lie. But, upon thinking about it I feel the real reason is that sometimes I feel shame that I have to work program, I feel like lesser of a person if I'm not emotionally sound. I feel like people won't understand, like my self esteem will be shattered if they knew just how broken I am.
Things did not go well. He said I had been acting off all week and I tried to explain by saying I was upset by his condescension (which he denied) he said I always make him to blame and he would not even listen to anything I had to say when I tried to discuss problems I was having with 'us' and with our dynamic. I tried to tell him that I wasn't trying to make him the bad guy, I was just trying to explain why I was distant and introspective all week. When I asked if he would listen to me and if I could read my journal entry to him, he refused. When I tried to give him my phone, he refused. In his mind, I had already been tried, found guilty, and the noose was around my neck.
It was awful. Then, today I get home from work and he's acting mostly normal. Like, yep, let's just ignore the elephant in the room. I am not impressed. I am upset at the false accusations. I am pissed that he tracked me on his phone, which he says he did because I didn't answer my phone and because he needed me home to take him to get his car at the shop. And, I wonder just how long has he been tracking me.......I have nothing to hide but it's the principle of trust that is getting me here.
I admitted to him that I was wrong. I tried to explain that I have some shame wrapped around needing time alone and wanting to work my program. He just ignored me.
We are supposed to be leaving for a family vacation to Alaska on a cruise next Friday. Last night I asked him if he was looking at apartments for me and then I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he didn't know and I told him the ball was in his court because nothing I said made a difference anyway. I was pretty much done. I'm doing my best to stay in the moment and just do the next right thing. But, if I'm honest, I just don't know if I can stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust me and was so quick to accuse me of being unfaithful without having any evidence to back it and also being unwilling to hear me out or gather evidence on his own.
I'm really tired today. My picker obviously picked a very broken person just like myself. I am trying to remind myself that he can't comprehend my lies just like I can't comprehend his accusations. We are both broken. Not sure if this can be repaired. Send some prayers and positive thoughts my way, please.
When we have 'blow-ups' here, I do the best I can to seek to understand. I don't look for blame and I certainly don't try to assign who was worst as it's counter-productive. I do exactly what we're told in recovery - look for my part, make amends if necessary and then trust the program and God. I will say that it's taken me 20 years to learn to stop forcing my need to discuss/resolve conflict before my AH or sons are ready....it just doesn't work well. I instead clean up my side of the street and suggest I'd like to discuss if/when they are ready. Most of the time, that follow up does not happen as they don't require a discussion like I want. I've learned to instead talk things out with my sponsor or trusted program friends.
You mention being really tired today - perhaps some self-care and rest will give a different outlook tomorrow. The one thing I've been working on in my own recovery is allowing things to unfold vs. assuming the worse case scenario. It has been helpful for me to just stay present when there are so many unknowns swirling around me.
Hang in there girl - you're not the first person who's lied to get some alone time and won't be the last. He's not the first person with trust issues who is snooping on his gal, and won't be the last. Your relationship is still 'new' - it takes years to truly know another and that's still a misnomer as we are always constantly changing. I'm sending extra prayers with hope that you get good rest tonight! Love and light girl!
NO,there's not.....but there is something very wrong if I can't be honest with my partner about my needs to do so. Therein lies the problem.
The relationship may or may not work. It appears that you are doing your best, and even repenting of your mistakes and being honest with him Its perfectly understandable that you felt embarrassed saying that you needed to work your program, I used to feel the same way but now I do not because I figure I am a step ahead of all of those people who need the program and who are not in it I am here with my shirt sleeves rolled up doing the work to make myself a better person, so I am no longer broken, I am a work in progress, I am a perfectly imperfect human being and I am starting to like and respect myself because I could have taken the easy way out and just kept blaming my abusers and not doing anything to help myself. But I chose to get help. So did you. Because I cannot come over there and give you the hug I want to, I am asking you to hug yourself. Youre doing a great job. Nobody knows what our futures have for us, all we can do is do our best one day at a time and as long as you are doing that which I see that you are, if the relationship doesnt work out it may be a blessing in the long run because if he does not trust you, and is accusing you of infidelity, that is going to wear pretty thin. Youre the one thats in recovery so give yourself a big hug for that.
((((Andromeda)))) That caused echoes from the past to rise up for me and the first echo was the voice of fear...fear of what? anything or everything and it seems both you and your Boy Friend are affected. Why would he track you? fear...Why would you lie? fear. I use to live that way until I accepted the program and the steps...Admitting I was powerless was a huge coming out for me as I admitted it to myself and to others in the program who were supportive. Fear is a huge part of what makes the disease run and keep running and not being open about it keeps it growing.
I need to keep inventorying my program and how I work and live it...I have to cause the program contains the solutions that bring me to serenity and sanity. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working program with that sponsor? What is your part in the problem you are having honestly? Sad with you that you are going thru this. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ((((hugs))))
(Andromeda)) HP has way of showing me my defects in action so that I i can practice Step 7 and humbly ask for them to be lifted. I believe that not feeling safe enough to admit that you need space is evidence of a hidden need to be perfect, always supportive with have no needs of your own .
Not being truthful is extremely destructive to any relationship so you have now owned it and can make amends, owning the action and resolve to live by the principle of honesty going forward.
Positive thoughts on the way
It sounds like you are having some very big awarenesses about this relationship. I remember in your older posts you seemed to try so hard to own your part in every situation with your bf. I see it again in this post but as you know one person can't do the work of two. And if the pattern is for him to walk it back the next day and act like nothing happened "the elephant in the middle of the room" as you rightly called it in your post - well, if nothing changes nothing changes. Maybe you've outgrown him? You're concerned about lieing to him. Just my experience but I've found myself lieing to people to protect myself from their wrath, criticism and punishment of some sort. I've lied because I didn't feel the person was safe to be vulnerable with. I have withdrawn into myself and limit my sharing both physically and emotionally with such people. Plain and simple.. I don't feel safe with them. After reasoning it out, it sometimes results in loving them at a distance if these are not willing to respect my personal boundaries. But in my life partnership, like you I need emotional intimacy. Of course an Alanon sponsor is a wonderful thing for help and guidance with the program but that intimacy at least for me, cannot fill a missing piece in my life partnership. If it does, I'm just having some sort of relationship of convenience. An honest 4th and 5th step helped with seeing how I cultivated that dynamic for a long time in my romantic relationships. I didn't trust my ability to make decisions, my intelligence, my emotional availablity to fully show up intimately, my hp to take care of me in all my life struggles. Ultimately, I attracted controllers who were all to happy to let me know who I was. They often looked good on paper and their outsides very often didn't match their insides just like me. Only I mistook their arrogance for confidence, my vulnerability and being a human being in progress for "brokenness." Alanon is an amazing thing isn't it? One day you're going along in that seemingly one down position and poof all the things you've heard and been trying to practice gel. You have this awareness that your growing and deserve the best you can give to yourself. I use to have a very hard time ending relationships. In fact, I didn't. I was left and didn't do the leaving. I acted like I was glad someone was willing to have me because I thought I was so broken so in need of their control of my life and guidance. When Alanon helped me to stand up and speak for myself, people like that tried to push me back down or they left me. There just isn't any going back to a one down position once Alanon recovery takes hold at least in my experience. I know because I tried in order to stay with someone I had outgrown. I felt squeezed into a tight space and suffocated. I really smiled when I read all the awarenesses you have come to with the help of your hp. You are not broken (((andromeda))) not by a long shot! :) Imho, there is no shame in wanting a balanced love relationship of mutual respect to include one's personal right to privacy, space, safety in sharing intimately and unselfish physical intimacy. I hope your bf will respect your wants and needs in the relationship and be open to knowing you as you are today. You say you lied but you voices so much honesty openness and willingness to him as a result. Now you can see if he is going to react or respond. Maybe it was meant for all of this to come out between you. You'll make a decision a tsome point if the relationship is right for you. I wish you the best going forward. You're honoring your feelings and you can be proud of how you're working the program. (((hugs))) TT
Huge support here! I see that you are really working your program regarding this. You are NOT avoiding or trying to sweep it under the rug. You admitted to the lie and you tried to make amends.
I can tell you know the bigger issue is the "why" you felt the need to lie. And I can tell you are examining that... even among all the "noise" your BF is creating. Don't let him distract you from the real issue for YOU.
Keep working it!!
Sending you love & peace.
Your post brings back memories of how my alcoholic husband and I were enmeshed. God had made us spiritual beings... God was the Higher Power.... but we didn't understand that and as a result, we held all kinds of erroneous beliefs... often acting like we were one another's "property"... with special entitlements.
Today I know that no one is entitled to know my every move. This is an unhealthy attachment. Today I know that "attachment" does not foster love.
If you know in your heart you caused no HARM in thought or action, perhaps this so-called lie is you BOTH making a mountain out of a molehill...?
How often his dis-ease and insecurities triggered my own, and I would quickly fall into confusion about the TRUTH, that perhaps I have done something "wrong." Al-anon helped me to stop agreeing with everyone's rule book... and their assessment of me. I've finally learned to ask myself, is any of this even TRUE?
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 30th of June 2018 12:56:18 PM
That said, from my experience, it is not about a lie. It is not about condescending. Cause and effect. People don't want to face those two elements because it's easier when it's the other person's fault. It's easier when we don't act, but when we are reacting to something else that someone else did. Not meaning we always look to blame, but it's easy to argue or take a stand on something the other person said, did, etc. How many times did an argument start...and sometimes fairly quickly...the argument ended up not being about the original topic, subject, incident, etc.? It's common. Sometimes you end up arguing about how you argue, what you say, etc. You always. Every single time. You never. You constantly. Sound familiar? Lol.
So, what's this about? It's not about the effect or the byproduct...it is about everything that caused all of that to occur. For example, you weren't pulling away from the relationship all week because you were hurt by a condescending remark he made to you earlier in the week...you were pulling away from the relationship because of that and everything else that you haven't liked, felt good about, etc., in the last X number of weeks, or even months. We sometimes don't like that we have to "work our program" and do work, because we think we should be better. We think we should do better. And, we don't like that it might be another person who "pushed our buttons" or "triggered something" or "did something" and so on. That shouldn't happen to us. Well, it does, it can, and it will. It's innate. And, your bf's condescending remark wasn't about something you just said or did right there in that moment...it was about the same thing, everything else that had gone on, that he didn't like, etc., for the last who knows how long. These things are cumulative.
After cause and effect, you then have a distinghing element, something that can become representative of something we don't like, feel good about, something that bothers us, whatever. We can distinguish this because it's not about what he said or she said...it's about us and something. In this case...TRUST. That is your distinguishing element. It is all about patterns. If you look around other parts of the relationship, you will see issues of trust. It could come out in minor ways, or ways that may not appear to be about trust, because it may not be about trust as it relates to a person. Look at how a home is decorated, about how decisions are made, about the dynamic between the people who live in that house. You have this problem with Trust now. And, I get that. It's valid. However, look at what else is going on. What else you are not happy with -- but, keep it in the "I" -- and not about him. It doesn't have to be "about" you, but don't make it about him. I am not happy that I don't get to have input or help decide X, or I have always felt that I am not heard or get to express my feelings on Y, and so on.
When we talk about our "picker" being broken, that too is something that we can get a handle on. I found out my picker was broken, two major parts of it. I worked on it, both inside alanon (Blueprint For Progress, Paths To Recovery, and just doing the steps again), and outside alanon, which a "coach" who was able to bring a great deal of knowledge, objectivity, and accountability to the process. Alanon kept me grounded. It kept my head where my feet were. The coach work "fixed" what was broken.
But, here, we lean into and we work our program. It works if you work it. Keep up your good work and all the best.
I sense a "free spirit" in you....find out who you are... and march to the beat of your own drum, that is enough to endeavor in one lifetime.... prayers for you.... linsc
Long story short, I think it's time for me to move on. I'm not OK. I can't work with someone who doesn't see their part and isn't willing to see their issues in the relationship, as well. He doesn't want to hear how his behavior has contributed to our issues, he doesn't see it, and I'm too old to try to explain it to him.
Anyway, I haven't ended it yet. But, I'm fairly certain I won't be going to Alaska, even if it means I'm out of the money. I don't see putting myself in that position as being a good thing!
Please pray for me to have clarity.
Please remember to be gentle with you. We each deserve to be happy, joyous and free and trusting our HP and recovery is one method of keeping that 'end game' in mind. I tend to believe and trust that most people want the same and truly don't wake up with the intent to irritate or annoy me, even if/when they do. We are all the sum-total of our past experiences and some are just more damaged than others. I have to keep close to my heart the realization that I am worthy often and that while words hurt, they don't define me. Huge (((Hugs))) as you process and work through this.
Prior o program i could not see and always blamed my hubby for any problem. Program tells me i am powerless over others and I need to stop blaming and justifying my action because he said or did something. If i do this I have given control of myself over to another . Your partner may be blind to his behavior .as is mine, however I have the gft of program and the tools to help me interact in the world .
Give yourself time- do not throw the baby out with the bath water pray about your decision and let go and let god
This has been a long time coming. I've been sitting on the fence for a few months now. Back in March, I remember telling my sponsor that I didn't feel emotionally safe with him. This episode has been the catalyst for what I see is the end. Every time I share feelings with him he could never validate them. I often felt unfulfilled and left feeling like our emotional connection was always lost. I tried to accept him for who he is. I tried to overlook and be willing to see his humanness as well as my own. I think I have a lot more growing to do, but I know I want to find someone one day who cherishes me, who validates my emotions as best as they can, and who I feel truly safe with. I did not feel safe with him. I don't want to fight for this anymore and keep accepting things that I'm not OK with.
I just have to gather the strength to tell him.
andromeda,
You sound like you've given a lot of thought to your decision. You're in my thoughts and prayers as you find strength to keep moving forward.
A few things that were once offered to me by Alanon members that still guide me. My sponsor told me that "anyone can be good for an hour." She told me this when I began rationalizing the instant change for the better in my bf when he knew I was going to end things.
The other thing I was told by a guy in our program when a romantic relationship I was having just didn't feel right for me. He told me that I should think of a person who I'd always felt happy and safe with. I thought of my grandmother. He said, "TT, that's how true love should feel."
I don't know if any of this helps but from my experience, the sense of relief that comes over me when I make a decision that honors myself even one that involves letting go; I take to be my higher power's will. ((hugs)) TT
Sometimes in our darkest times, we see The biggest progress in our recovery journey. You did everything you could, now you see its time to go. You will be OK. I have total faith in you that you will be not only OK but you will thrive and flourish and blossom like the lovely flower that you are And just think of all the time and energy now you will have to take care of the one who means the most: you. HUGS
"He told me that I should think of a person who I'd always felt happy and safe with. I thought of my grandmother. He said, "TT, that's how true love should feel."
I wish for you peace & clarity as you move forward through your week. Honoring your true feelings will not be easy, but it sounds like your inner self knows the path it needs to take for serenity.
(Andromeda))) prayers and positive thoughts going out to you.
Just saw this thread. {{{Andromeda}}}
The advice is...when it comes to men and your relationship with them...what they say means nothing. Do not listen to anything they say. Simply watch what they do. Words mean nothing. Actions say it all and tell the truth.
That said, I really don't think this has anything to do with trust. You are not a liar. There's a difference between a liar and telling a lie. While neither is a good thing, the former is an integrity issue, and the latter is a mistake in judgment or decision making. The reason he doesn't trust you is not because of this one lie. He may think there are many others, but even if that's the case -- there is more to it. It speaks to who he is as a person. The same goes with you -- your lie doesn't define you. It's not who you are. You pulling back for X number of weeks or months is not the reason he doesn't trust you. You were doing that for a reason, or reasons. I don't know who you get on the same page at this point, and if it were me, I wouldn't be taking a cruise under these circumstances. This is far bigger than simply being on the same page. The sabotage accusation is BS. That's typical deflective, blame-shifting, etc. I saw that one coming many miles away, LOL. His putting the moving out on you is the same thing -- he wants you to take responsibility, and along with that, in his mind, is blame.
You are a very grounded, responsible person, and from what I've read here, you have integrity. He's been doing something that has caused you to pull back. I don't know what it is, but it was something. Fast forward to today -- now he has to deflect, shift the focus, put the action steps on you, and have you be responsible. Why? Because he doesn't want this to go to -- where it hasn't before -- the real cause, the root cause, which is whatever he was doing that caused you to pull back. Thus, what happens? He cannot and will not look at himself, his role, his contribution, and so on and so on. So, therefore, it has to be on you. Trying to explain it -- you may be a logical, open and honest person in doing so...but he is not willing to do so...similar to the alcoholic. What are the alcoholic's motivations? What is the dynamic between us, and the alcoholic pre-our recovery? Did we try to explain it? LOL.
Call the cruise line. Maybe you can get a credit or partial credit. Something, anything. All the best and if it's clarity you are looking for -- I wish you all the best in finding it.
Not that it matters. Its over. Ill be taking the next 12 days to move out, find a place first, and to grieve this loss. Im battling anger at myself, guilt for doing this to the kids, and anger at him for his part as well. It will take time.
Kids are unfortunate collateral damage in these situations .. no choice no voice and at the whims of the adults in their lives. All you can do is keep your side of the street clean and move forward.
From what you have shared about the issue of blaming and not accepting responsibility .. it is not your job to accept 100% of the responsibility. He has his stuff and I agree it's exhausting to always be the one to compromise. The other red flag I go back to and has always bothered me is how he treated his X, especially the way he belittled her in front of you and the kids. That is NEVER ok. It is always a good indicator to me that what is given to someone else at some point will be given to me because if nothing changes nothing changes .. nope X not perfect .. however she's trying. I know both mother's and father's who have just walked away and never looked back and it is NOT normal to do that .. there is nothing healthy in that behavior. I actually feel bad for his X because I bet she gets hit with a whammy now that you are gone.
People are not perfect .. I want to be with someone who inspires me to be a better person and wants to take that journey with me .. life is evolving and I know when I am stuck or I observe others who are struggling that way it always goes back to not moving forward in personal growth .. they are in the rut of life and while change is extremely difficult it is necessary .. there is a sluffing off of old stuff and welcoming new growth. I don't expect perfection .. I expect to live life on life's terms and make it a great journey.
Hugs S :)
For me, processing my part and what lessons I can learn is one-sided when I am emotionally charged. My best suggestion is to be gentle with you, do the next right thing and just move forward as easily as you can. Hang in there sweetie...
Sending you all my best wishes and warmest thoughts. While you are not buying into the blaming you thing, or the it's your fault thing, try not to get into the self-pity place either. That can be consuming. Yes, get clarity and focus in and around your feelings. But, most of all, be gentle on yourself and hold your head up high -- with dignity, grace and class. Grieving, mourning the loss of a relationship is a good thing. I've long said, grieving and mourning the loss of a relationship or marriage is good, yes, it can be sad, but it's a good thing. However, when it was a proactive decision, that was best and healthiest for "self" -- then that even more is a very good thing.
As far as the kids go, yes, that can be difficult. I always looked at this from the perspective of -- you didn't "do" anything to the kids. Every effort, every decision...is always made with and for the kids, as well as ourselves. That's our role as parents. The immediate, natural reaction is -- I did this to the kids -- and I get that. However, you made a strong, healthy and best decision now for the kids as well. Just because a couple, with kids, ends the relationship -- that doesn't mean it's a "broken home" as people constantly use the phrase. The relationship may have been broken, but the home you provide for your kids will be a solid, stable, and healthy home, one with a solid and healthy foundation. Staying in an unhealthy home, relationship, where the dynamic, the tone, etc., is not healthy, where parents/step-parents are "not getting along" -- now that can be a very broken home. Hence, the phrase -- it is far better for kids to come from a "broken" home with a broken relationship...than to live in one.
I don't buy into and never did the whole processing, analyzing, trying to figure out -- why he said this, why he is doing that, and so on and so forth. With a person who is not healthy, grounded, open and honest, and more -- there is no figuring it out. They have to blame, point the finger, make it someone else's fault, etc. When I was faced with all of this -- I focused on ME. I did the next right thing in front of me, and made sure that I was doing what I needed to do, with dignity and class, even though I was faced with innumerable family members, friends, people in the community, saying that I was throwing her out, abandoning her, and so on. I kept on doing the next right thing in front of me.
From everything I read -- and that was very telling, very reflective -- was how he treated his ex. With you, that may have taken on something completely different, but the deflection of blame, fault, responsibility -- that is reflective of something. So, you don't have to take that on. You shouldn't. A person needs -- and should want -- to share their feelings, be inspired, be able to look to their partner for support, for help, and to care about their feelings.
I wish you all the best and I am sure all will be fine with you. Good luck finding a place...and even more...maintaining your health, peace and positive perspective. Thank you for sharing this journey with all of us. I have learned a lot from your sharing, growth and perspective.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 2nd of July 2018 12:08:07 PM
Sending you so many hugs. But you are AWESOME at taking care of yourself and ending it when it's clear that he can't participate healthily. If we had all done that in our relationships when the truth became clear, we'd all need a lot less healing and we'd all be in a much better place. I know it hurts, though. It does hurt so much when people turn out not to be able to step up. You are going to get through this because you are one strong, smart woman. But take care of yourself, because I know it's also sad.