What tools do you use to help yourself keep calm in a distressing situation?
lgnutah said
Jun 29, 2018
Distressing situation.....like talking on the phone with your qualifier who is under the influence!
Obviously, ending the call is an option. But what I am asking for is help when I do want to talk.
I find I can do great when the conversation is in a text. I can stay calm and in control, I can pause before responding. I can carefully measure my words.
But when I am on the phone and hear my qualifier incoherant or slurring, repeating past woes, making accusations, or being delusional, I find my rate of speech gets faster and my voice gets louder.
So, apparently I haven't found the tool I need to keep my voice under control.
Please tell me what works for you.
hotrod said
Jun 29, 2018
Repeating a slogan over an over in my mind keeps me from "reacting' and allows me to respond in a healthyy manner
tiredtonite said
Jun 29, 2018
Hi Ignutah,
Those calls can be very upsetting. The Serenity Prayer can be helpful. The words make sense and it does for me what I can't in those moments do for myself - it calms me, distracts me and causes me to pause and not react. It a tool I use to take care of myself in all kinds of distressing situations.
Sometimes I have do do more than say a prayer. One problem I had was that I would think I had to stay on the phone and keep talking to the person. Sometimes I stuck around becauise I thought if I did, I could expect to finally get what I needed from that other person. When someone is drunk or crazymaking, that just isn't going to happen.
The solution for me was to give myself permission to hang up the phone to just say I'm sorry I have to go now. I can get busy with my own things rather than waiting for that other person to change to my liking in that moment. I can be respectful and say the words kindly but it's important that I say it, "I have to hang up now, I have to go now, I have some things to do, we can talk later." I don't have to participate in a conversation with someone who is drunk and saying things that are making me uncomfortable. I can keep safe emotionally. I san say that we can talk another time, a time that is good for both of us. I have a choice as to whether that will happen and a choice as to when it happens. I have a right to choose what's best for me.
Thanks for your share and question. I hope something I shared was helpful to you. ((hugs)) TT
lgnutah said
Jun 29, 2018
Thank you both.
It just struck me that I am playing a part in this that is both unrealistic and unhealthy. I actually am staying on the phone with the mistaken notion that if i stay on long enough I will get her to start talking rationally. Hey, lloks like I'm not thinking rationally either :)
I need to rehearse some calming phrases and get into the habit of saying them regularly so it will be easier to say them to myself during stressful times. I need to get a plan in place, and stick to it.
Iamhere said
Jun 29, 2018
I accept that they are probably not in a good state for a conversation and neither am I - both for different reasons - but I really try to manage with facts vs. emotions. I do end conversations as quickly as possible with altered people, family, friends, sons, etc. I just know that it's a trigger for my serenity and I am too distracted to be of service.
For me, the harder step is often to let it go and not mention next time we see each other or talk. I have been practicing ODaaT and Letting Go for a while now as what happened yesterday or even this morning isn't a part of my present and is for learning not dwelling.
When I am 'stuck' in a stressful situation and can't break away, my go to is, Bless them, Change me....I repeat it over and over again - the abbreviated Serenity prayer.
mamalioness said
Jun 29, 2018
I like what Betty said. If this were me, I would be saying to myself over and over, keep the focus on me, keep the focus on me, and I would do deep breathing and just keep reminding me that this is his issue not mine. Its hard. And I feel for you going through this as I did when I was married to my alcoholic and it was tough. And I didnt have a program then like I do now. I handle my alcoholic brother in a very different way , Thanks to the program, I can stay cool by just breathing deep and saying to myself keep the focus on me, keep it simple, this too shall pass, just basically reminding myself as I breathe and let go of any stress as I breathe out, just keep reminding me to keep the focus on myself. And for me, I just tried to get out of the conversation as fast as I can because anything I say hes not going to remember anyway
Bo said
Jun 30, 2018
lgnutah wrote:
Distressing situation.....like talking on the phone with your qualifier who is under the influence! Obviously, ending the call is an option. But what I am asking for is help when I do want to talk. I find I can do great when the conversation is in a text. I can stay calm and in control, I can pause before responding. I can carefully measure my words. But when I am on the phone and hear my qualifier incoherant or slurring, repeating past woes, making accusations, or being delusional, I find my rate of speech gets faster and my voice gets louder. So, apparently I haven't found the tool I need to keep my voice under control. Please tell me what works for you.
The "tool" to keep your voice under control, to keep you "in check" and the best help you can get is...do NOT speak with an alcoholic when he/she is intoxicated. Why would you want to? To what end? You cannot apply logic to an illogical person. You cannot apply logic to an illogical situation. Even in a text...what are you trying to accomplish?
When my wife was drinking...even slightly... I detached. Physically and emotionally. Period. There is no point to having any conversation with an alcoholic who is intoxicated. Even if they are coherent, able to communicate, lucid, etc. -- what could I possibly accomplish? What am I trying to accomplish? I don't take those calls, participate in those calls, or make those calls. I end the phone call ASAP. Immediately. But, I am polite, kind and respectful.
The other component of this is -- what happens next? The next day, later on, whenever...when the alcoholic is now "sober" so to speak...then what? Check your motives. I've long said, if you bring up the phone call, incident, whatever it was -- and your motive is to prove a point, make them wrong, point out and prove they were drunk, get them to not do it again, and things along those lines...well, that, right there...that is YOUR problem. Drinking is his/her problem. Even if they bring it up -- check your motives. In my experience, if I was trying to "change" or "fix" or "prove" or get them to "stop" or whatever -- no, that's my problem. What I found healthy for me, if my wife brought it up, and said something like I refused to talk to her, or I wouldn't communicate with her, etc. -- what I did was revert to my boundaries. That's my truth and my healthy space. That's where I would stand, and be grounded. I would re-iterate my boundaries. That can always be a healthy thing to do. If you have "proper" -- real, authentic -- boundaries, that will always be a healthy reaction.
All the best.
sakina said
Jul 1, 2018
Hi Ignutah. That is a good question. I have not found a way to talk with my AH while he's under the influence. I've tried different ways. For now I've accepted there isn't a good or healthy way for us to have a discussion of any kind while he's intoxicated. It is for sure a trigger for me! And I'm pretty sure it accomplishes next to nothing because he's not 100% conscious/present. Sometimes he totally forgets the conversation happened! I had to ask myself... if nothing is being accomplished or successfully communicated... then why am I still talking? I'm (sort of) sorry to say this... but it's also a waste of my precious time. If he's intoxicated, I keep my reply short and sweet... then hang up or leave.
It helps me to think of it as a boundary. I told my AH I won't talk to him or be around him while he's intoxicated. When I do forget my boundary, and I'm talking or doing the dreaded lecturing, I repeat silently, "He's not here. His mind is not here." I can't talk to someone who's not there.... remembering this makes it easier to let go.
Hi Ignutah,
Those calls can be very upsetting. The Serenity Prayer can be helpful. The words make sense and it does for me what I can't in those moments do for myself - it calms me, distracts me and causes me to pause and not react. It a tool I use to take care of myself in all kinds of distressing situations.
Sometimes I have do do more than say a prayer. One problem I had was that I would think I had to stay on the phone and keep talking to the person. Sometimes I stuck around becauise I thought if I did, I could expect to finally get what I needed from that other person. When someone is drunk or crazymaking, that just isn't going to happen.
The solution for me was to give myself permission to hang up the phone to just say I'm sorry I have to go now. I can get busy with my own things rather than waiting for that other person to change to my liking in that moment. I can be respectful and say the words kindly but it's important that I say it, "I have to hang up now, I have to go now, I have some things to do, we can talk later." I don't have to participate in a conversation with someone who is drunk and saying things that are making me uncomfortable. I can keep safe emotionally. I san say that we can talk another time, a time that is good for both of us. I have a choice as to whether that will happen and a choice as to when it happens. I have a right to choose what's best for me.
Thanks for your share and question. I hope something I shared was helpful to you. ((hugs)) TT
It just struck me that I am playing a part in this that is both unrealistic and unhealthy. I actually am staying on the phone with the mistaken notion that if i stay on long enough I will get her to start talking rationally. Hey, lloks like I'm not thinking rationally either :)
I need to rehearse some calming phrases and get into the habit of saying them regularly so it will be easier to say them to myself during stressful times. I need to get a plan in place, and stick to it.
For me, the harder step is often to let it go and not mention next time we see each other or talk. I have been practicing ODaaT and Letting Go for a while now as what happened yesterday or even this morning isn't a part of my present and is for learning not dwelling.
When I am 'stuck' in a stressful situation and can't break away, my go to is, Bless them, Change me....I repeat it over and over again - the abbreviated Serenity prayer.
I like what Betty said. If this were me, I would be saying to myself over and over, keep the focus on me, keep the focus on me, and I would do deep breathing and just keep reminding me that this is his issue not mine. Its hard. And I feel for you going through this as I did when I was married to my alcoholic and it was tough. And I didnt have a program then like I do now. I handle my alcoholic brother in a very different way , Thanks to the program, I can stay cool by just breathing deep and saying to myself keep the focus on me, keep it simple, this too shall pass, just basically reminding myself as I breathe and let go of any stress as I breathe out, just keep reminding me to keep the focus on myself. And for me, I just tried to get out of the conversation as fast as I can because anything I say hes not going to remember anyway
The "tool" to keep your voice under control, to keep you "in check" and the best help you can get is...do NOT speak with an alcoholic when he/she is intoxicated. Why would you want to? To what end? You cannot apply logic to an illogical person. You cannot apply logic to an illogical situation. Even in a text...what are you trying to accomplish?
When my wife was drinking...even slightly... I detached. Physically and emotionally. Period. There is no point to having any conversation with an alcoholic who is intoxicated. Even if they are coherent, able to communicate, lucid, etc. -- what could I possibly accomplish? What am I trying to accomplish? I don't take those calls, participate in those calls, or make those calls. I end the phone call ASAP. Immediately. But, I am polite, kind and respectful.
The other component of this is -- what happens next? The next day, later on, whenever...when the alcoholic is now "sober" so to speak...then what? Check your motives. I've long said, if you bring up the phone call, incident, whatever it was -- and your motive is to prove a point, make them wrong, point out and prove they were drunk, get them to not do it again, and things along those lines...well, that, right there...that is YOUR problem. Drinking is his/her problem. Even if they bring it up -- check your motives. In my experience, if I was trying to "change" or "fix" or "prove" or get them to "stop" or whatever -- no, that's my problem. What I found healthy for me, if my wife brought it up, and said something like I refused to talk to her, or I wouldn't communicate with her, etc. -- what I did was revert to my boundaries. That's my truth and my healthy space. That's where I would stand, and be grounded. I would re-iterate my boundaries. That can always be a healthy thing to do. If you have "proper" -- real, authentic -- boundaries, that will always be a healthy reaction.
All the best.
It helps me to think of it as a boundary. I told my AH I won't talk to him or be around him while he's intoxicated. When I do forget my boundary, and I'm talking or doing the dreaded lecturing, I repeat silently, "He's not here. His mind is not here." I can't talk to someone who's not there.... remembering this makes it easier to let go.